Mother raised six children...now estranged from 5....

B

Babycakes

New Member
I have no ideal how to get out of this situation. I sacrificed my entire life to give them an exceptional upbringing. The absolute best always putting their needs ahead of mine. I never would have imagined they would be so selfish and ungrateful. They want me to drop dead so they don’t have to ever face how they’ve treated me. The older ones turned the younger ones against me with lies and untruths. As awful as it is I have no ideal what to do.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.
 

Welcome to the forum, Babycakes!

I'm sorry to read of your struggles. Brokenness with our children is heartbreaking.

Please know that it's very difficult to offer advice without specific information. Here's what I do during difficult moments with my children - or anyone, for that matter, including people on this forum.

I take a long look at my own responsibility in our upset, apologize, take full ownership for my actions, work out how to not repeat the problem, and we moved forward.

Only when people sincerely understand where they went wrong and apologize for hurting you, can the relationship move forward.

Thinking of your children as "selfish and ungrateful" and yourself as sacrificial who "always put their needs ahead" of yours will get you nowhere. My guess is that they see their upbringing and your actions differently than you do.

Just as there are no perfect children, there are no perfect parents. I'd recommend a sincere effort toward understanding why they've estranged themselves, apologizing for your missteps, and trying to find a way toward peace and a relationship.
 
Babycakes said:
I have no ideal how to get out of this situation. I sacrificed my entire life to give them an exceptional upbringing. The absolute best always putting their needs ahead of mine. I never would have imagined they would be so selfish and ungrateful. They want me to drop dead so they don’t have to ever face how they’ve treated me. The older ones turned the younger ones against me with lies and untruths. As awful as it is I have no ideal what to do.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.
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You have my support for what it is worth, (I'm estranged from my one daughter, so that qualifies me to speak to an extent).

I take a different view from many others here on the whole subject, and the way our western societies try to emphasise at every opportunity that everything done in relations to anyone's child should always be about their interests, rather than the parents interests, or mutual interests between the two. I believe that in itself helps create selfish children. Many countries in the far east do not follow our lead, and the need for those of age to be shown respect persists in their cultures.
 
Welcome. I'm sorry about your lose but I'm glad that someone is talking about something other than Cornavirus. I hear you loud & clear. We raised 3 kiddies but I have been estranged from them ever since my divorce about 17 years ago. I stopped asking why years ago. Society & teachers in school have been drumming into young people's minds that everything we do we do for them. We do not teach responsibility very well in this country. The issue is very complex. I have learned to accept things as I really believe that it's no use flogging a dead horse & anyways, life is just too short.
 
Rosemarie said:
Welcome babycakes. I'm sorry to hear of the estrangement from your children. However, as a mother myself, I have to say that we make the decision to have children, they do not ask to be born. Therefore they owe us nothing, no matter what sacrifices we make.
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Did you owe your own parents nothing at all?

I'd have thought most people might think good parents are owed a lot of things, and starting with the DNA, moving on to all the care shown to them, be it a sacrifice or a pleasure we'd never wished to have missed.
 
StarSong said:
Welcome to the forum, Babycakes!

I'm sorry to read of your struggles. Brokenness with our children is heartbreaking.

Please know that it's very difficult to offer advice without specific information. Here's what I do during difficult moments with my children - or anyone, for that matter, including people on this forum.

I take a long look at my own responsibility in our upset, apologize, take full ownership for my actions, work out how to not repeat the problem, and we moved forward.

Only when people sincerely understand where they went wrong and apologize for hurting you, can the relationship move forward.

Thinking of your children as "selfish and ungrateful" and yourself as sacrificial who "always put their needs ahead" of yours will get you nowhere. My guess is that they see their upbringing and your actions differently than you do.

Just as there are no perfect children, there are no perfect parents. I'd recommend a sincere effort toward understanding why they've estranged themselves, apologizing for your missteps, and trying to find a way toward peace and a relationship.
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^^^^ Well said. And better (and nicer) than I could put it.
 
Babycakes said:
I have no ideal how to get out of this situation. I sacrificed my entire life to give them an exceptional upbringing. The absolute best always putting their needs ahead of mine. I never would have imagined they would be so selfish and ungrateful. They want me to drop dead so they don’t have to ever face how they’ve treated me. The older ones turned the younger ones against me with lies and untruths. As awful as it is I have no ideal what to do.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Click to expand...
I agree with @StarSong , it's hard to give you advice if you give no details. Your complaints about your children are very vague, and only one sided. We only have your side of the story. In every disagreement there is always one who is more right than the other, but NO ONE is ever blameless. Like the saying goes, "It takes two to tango".
 
Rosemarie said:
Welcome babycakes. I'm sorry to hear of the estrangement from your children. However, as a mother myself, I have to say that we make the decision to have children, they do not ask to be born. Therefore they owe us nothing, no matter what sacrifices we make.
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I agree with most of what you said. But, on the other hand, if the children don't owe us anything, neither do the parents owe them anything after they become adults and self -sufficient. Respect and love have to be earned, forget that ''unconditional'' crap.
 
Catlady said:
I agree with most of what you said. But, on the other hand, if the children don't owe us anything, neither do the parents owe them anything after they become adults and self -sufficient. Respect and love have to be earned, forget that ''unconditional'' crap.
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I have to disagree. My children certainly never had to "earn" my love, and as far as loving them it will always be unconditional.
 
Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry your children are still giving you fits. It's nice that you care. I find it satisfying that my sons are dealing with their own families and have no time to themselves anymore. Now they know how it feels. They thought having a free maid, cook, and therapist would last forever.
I felt a little bad when they saw it was over, but not for long. As far as them speaking foul of you, they should get to work on fixing their own mess.
 
Catlady said:
I agree with most of what you said. But, on the other hand, if the children don't owe us anything, neither do the parents owe them anything after they become adults and self -sufficient. Respect and love have to be earned, forget that ''unconditional'' crap.
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If there is no such thing as "unconditional love", how can any parent or any child for that matter, be in any way special/unique in relation to the people whose existence on this planet brought the the child into it, or cared for them? They can earn that love and respect from anyone can't they by your argument, so you could mix up children in maternity wards willy nilly(?).

Does a newborn baby come with the skills to earn their parents respect(?) - I accept re-reading you're post you are referring to adults, but I have to say "you're a hard woman" given the views you express, (maybe that's a good thing?).

Not sure any of this discussion is helping the OP, but at least they will be hearing enough negative comments to understand this world doesn't necessarily wish them well, whatever they've done besides love their children as they saw fit, or were able to do.
 
I don't see them as negative comments. Most parents dote on their children and want to do their best for them. That is nature's way of ensuring the children's survival. Children should appreciate what has been done for them. I know my own children realise that I went without so that they could have something they needed. The fact that they appreciate it is enough for me. I don't expect anything in return.
 
Going into any interaction with anyone with any expectations is setting yourself up for bitter disappointment.

Because things so often go smoothly, when someone does frustrate or disappoint us, we get upset.

The only way to ensure you get what you want is to only make in the moment deals.
You give me this now, and I give you that now.

There is no tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes.
Investments are risks, usually stupid ones that don't pay off.
Just quit being invested.
Your kids cheated you of what you think they owe you.
So, you can feel bad, but it was YOUR mistake.
 
Rosemarie said:
I don't see them as negative comments. Most parents dote on their children and want to do their best for them. That is nature's way of ensuring the children's survival. Children should appreciate what has been done for them. I know my own children realise that I went without so that they could have something they needed. The fact that they appreciate it is enough for me. I don't expect anything in return.
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I must say I'd think this quote might strike me as a little bit negative:
"Your kids cheated you of what you think they owe you.
So, you can feel bad, but it was YOUR mistake."

It is fair to say there are all sides, or many sides in this case where there are more than one child involved in any argument or breakdown of a relationship, (what is the role of the ex./partner too?).

However, it is blaming this parent to assume they could have done something differently.

If you get to read Penny Cross's book, "Lost children" you might feel differently, about the way that wonderful woman lost contact with all four of her children following separation/divorce, and all she did to try to deal with her own life, then further on to assist so many others finding themselves in the same position, (see Mothers Apart from Their CHildren or MATCH website for her work to care for other mothers, - not the dating site obviously!).
 
I suppose we are influenced by our experiences with our own mothers. Mine took it for granted that I would look after her in her old age. If she had been a good mother, I would have been happy to do so. However, she was a very unpleasant person and I felt no obligations towards her.

When I married, my husband and I made a point of moving as far away from her as possible, so that she would have no influence over our children.
 
Catlady said:
I agree with most of what you said. But, on the other hand, if the children don't owe us anything, neither do the parents owe them anything after they become adults and self -sufficient. Respect and love have to be earned, forget that ''unconditional'' crap.
Click to expand...

Does a newborn baby come with the skills to earn their parents respect(?) - I accept re-reading you're post you are referring to adults, but I have to say "you're a hard woman" given the views you express, (maybe that's a good thing?).
Click to expand...
That is exactly what I was saying. You do your duty as a parent and give them love and shelter until they're self-sufficient adults, and then if they have no use for you or respect for you, then you don't owe them anything. Respect goes both ways. If I'm a hard woman for believing in reciprocity, then so be it, I don't want it any other way regardless of others' opinions.

EDIT= This is in response to @grahamg, I have no idea why it didn't quote.
 
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Judycat said:
Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry your children are still giving you fits. It's nice that you care. I find it satisfying that my sons are dealing with their own families and have no time to themselves anymore. Now they know how it feels. They thought having a free maid, cook, and therapist would last forever.
I felt a little bad when they saw it was over, but not for long. As far as them speaking foul of you, they should get to work on fixing their own mess.
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That's the whole debacle, the OP only points fingers at her children, but does not give specifics or examples as to why her children feel the way they do. Even if misguided, they usually tell you how they feel that you failed them. The OP hasn't even posted again to clarify her position. I always feel that both sides contributed to the problem, one side always more than the other side. NO ONE is completely blameless.
 
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