Mother raised six children...now estranged from 5....

Catlady said:
I agree with @StarSong , it's hard to give you advice if you give no details. Your complaints about your children are very vague, and only one sided. We only have your side of the story. In every disagreement there is always one who is more right than the other, but NO ONE is ever blameless. Like the saying goes, "It takes two to tango".
Click to expand...
True
 

StarSong said:
Welcome to the forum, Babycakes!

I'm sorry to read of your struggles. Brokenness with our children is heartbreaking.

Please know that it's very difficult to offer advice without specific information. Here's what I do during difficult moments with my children - or anyone, for that matter, including people on this forum.

I take a long look at my own responsibility in our upset, apologize, take full ownership for my actions, work out how to not repeat the problem, and we moved forward.

Only when people sincerely understand where they went wrong and apologize for hurting you, can the relationship move forward.

Thinking of your children as "selfish and ungrateful" and yourself as sacrificial who "always put their needs ahead" of yours will get you nowhere. My guess is that they see their upbringing and your actions differently than you do.

Just as there are no perfect children, there are no perfect parents. I'd recommend a sincere effort toward understanding why they've estranged themselves, apologizing for your missteps, and trying to find a way toward peace and a relationship.
Click to expand...
I think not...but thanks for your reply..
 

grahamg said:
Well said young lady.

I'd begun to think there was something suspicious because you hadn't returned to give your comments on others views etc., but feel under no pressure from me to explain your own situation more than you have, if you're not inclined to.
Click to expand...
No worries
 
Rosemarie said:
Welcome babycakes. I'm sorry to hear of the estrangement from your children. However, as a mother myself, I have to say that we make the decision to have children, they do not ask to be born. Therefore they owe us nothing, no matter what sacrifices we make.
Click to expand...
Sorry, but being in this same position, this reply really hit me hard. "They didn't ask to be born" is something I expect to hear from a teenager, not a mature adult.
 
Babycakes said:
Thanks for taking the time to reply...I realize what your saying and in most cases I would agree. I accept I’m not perfect..but refuse to accept responsibility for things I did not do. The older children have lied and repeat untruths to the younger ones...I don’t feel the need to deny lies. I’ve done my best and it is what it is.
Click to expand...
You can't expect to get advice on "I have no ideal how to get out of this situation " if you don't give us examples of what they're accusing you of. If you don't deny lies and refuse to defend yourself, how do you expect to remedy the situation?
 
This thread is getting rather complicated. I suspect that 'Babycakes' was feeling put out about something which was said and came on here more or less to have a rant. I don't think she was really looking for advice or sympathy, she just wanted to let off steam.

It might have been better if she had written it in her personal blog.
 
Rosemarie said:
This thread is getting rather complicated. I suspect that 'Babycakes' was feeling put out about something which was said and came on here more or less to have a rant. I don't think she was really looking for advice or sympathy, she just wanted to let off steam.

It might have been better if she had written it in her personal blog.
Click to expand...
It wasn't a ''rant'', she was asking for help, and still refuses to give details for us to offer a solution. She said in her original post =

I have no ideal how to get out of this situation.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.
 
Last edited:
Catlady said:
You can't expect to get advice on "I have no ideal how to get out of this situation " if you don't give us examples of what they're accusing you of. If you don't deny lies and refuse to defend yourself, how do you expect to remedy the situation?
Click to expand...

I have to agree, even though we've got to remember all the caveats I keep mentioning, (like anyone's private life should remain private, if any person wishes to largely keep it that way).

We can speculate though, whilst acknowledging we dont know what's going on, but just for sake of argument.

"Playing devils advocate", (and believe me I hate anyone playing devils advocate generally), lets assume the OP did do so much to "rock the boat" within the family, and the result was an almost inevitable breakdown of relationships (- all pure speculation obviously). Then there will be no easy answers for them will there(?).

On the other hand, I've got a very good mate whose alcoholism, and at times domineering personality has put great pressure on his relationships with his four children, (he's long since divorced from his ex.). One daughter will probably never have anything to do with him again, but the other three have been very sympathetic towards him, and put up with his extremely poor/controlling behaviour to an extent, seeing the good in him besides the bad, whilst at the same time protecting themselves too. In the circumstances I've described, those children are showing strength of character by taking a broader view aren't they, and should be applauded.

I've come to the conclusion my mate cant change, and his behaviour and attitudes are such that he doesn't want to, much to his own detriment and his families, (though they'll be okay, he just cant enjoy them as he otherwise would be able to do).
 
Catlady said:
If you want your private life to be private you don't go to a public forum to ask for advice without giving details, you go to a therapist.
Click to expand...

Or you could just give away as much or as little as you wish to give away. There are many ways of cutting this, and as would appear obvious now, the OP is likely to reveal the meagrest details.
 
grahamg said:
Or you could just give away as much or as little as you wish to give away. There are many ways of cutting this, and as would appear obvious now, the OP is likely to reveal the meagrest details.
Click to expand...

Well, on the other hand, the less details you offer the more likely the advice will be worthless since the advisors did not have all the details to make a logical evaluation of the problem(s). From her reply to @StarSong (post #53) it seems the OP only wants us to agree with her that her children are horrible.
 
Most parents who have such complaints about their children are in serious denial.
I've lived it with my own mother & also witnessed it with my sister & her kids who want nothing to do with her. Both create their own reality to appear as victims.
 
Catlady said:
Well, on the other hand, the less details you offer the more likely the advice will be worthless since the advisors did not have all the details to make a logical evaluation of the problem(s). From her reply to @StarSong (post #53) it seems the OP only wants us to agree with her that her children are horrible.
Click to expand...

I didn't read the OP as claiming her children "are horrible" (using a rather childish word IMHO), but that their behaviour was appalling, which is very different in my view. You can love your child while believing they've acted appallingly for whatever reason, and I'd say that is one of the problems when revealing too much on a forum such as this one, people's words get misconstrued.
 
Catlady said:
You can't expect to get advice on "I have no ideal how to get out of this situation " if you don't give us examples of what they're accusing you of. If you don't deny lies and refuse to defend yourself, how do you expect to remedy the situation?
Click to expand...
OOPS - sorry - hit wrong message. Eyes are tired.
 
Catlady said:
You can't expect to get advice on "I have no ideal how to get out of this situation " if you don't give us examples of what they're accusing you of. If you don't deny lies and refuse to defend yourself, how do you expect to remedy the situation?
Click to expand...
I am 62 and my oldest is 40 (girl) and youngest is 26 (boy). So in all fairness it is a lot of water under the bridge. I can’t speak for any of them and I can assure you they feel confident in their convictions of my wrong doing. I have heard many things they have said but all 3rd party so let me address what I know for a fact. My oldest is very bitter because she never got to know her father. I got pregnant with her when I was in college and he and I were not in a relationship at all. He was the star athlete at a very prestigious college. He had no interest in me or her and in fact had another girlfriend at the time. I was stubborn and would not listen to anyone and insisted on having her. I was even told by the doctors to abort the pregnancy due to medication I was on Dilantin for a seizure disorder I have had since birth. The medication caused birth defects 70% chance. I did not listen and continued the pregnancy and yes she was born with a birth defect. She had surgery to correct the defect but not 100% so she has to live with it. This is true and I may have made the wring decision but it is what it is. This is one of the many issues.
 
Babycakes said:
I am 62 and my oldest is 40 (girl) and youngest is 26 (boy). So in all fairness it is a lot of water under the bridge. I can’t speak for any of them and I can assure you they feel confident in their convictions of my wrong doing. I have heard many things they have said but all 3rd party so let me address what I know for a fact. My oldest is very bitter because she never got to know her father. I got pregnant with her when I was in college and he and I were not in a relationship at all. He was the star athlete at a very prestigious college. He had no interest in me or her and in fact had another girlfriend at the time. I was stubborn and would not listen to anyone and insisted on having her. I was even told by the doctors to abort the pregnancy due to medication I was on Dilantin for a seizure disorder I have had since birth. The medication caused birth defects 70% chance. I did not listen and continued the pregnancy and yes she was born with a birth defect. She had surgery to correct the defect but not 100% so she has to live with it. This is true and I may have made the wring decision but it is what it is. This is one of the many issues.
Click to expand...
Well, some bad decisions are harder to forgive than others; especially when they result in lifelong problems when life is already hard enough under ideal circumstances. And, (as you said), that is one of the many issues.
 

Back
Top