Mother raised six children...now estranged from 5....

I am 62 and my oldest is 40 (girl) and youngest is 26 (boy). So in all fairness it is a lot of water under the bridge. I can’t speak for any of them and I can assure you they feel confident in their convictions of my wrong doing. I have heard many things they have said but all 3rd party so let me address what I know for a fact. My oldest is very bitter because she never got to know her father. I got pregnant with her when I was in college and he and I were not in a relationship at all. He was the star athlete at a very prestigious college. He had no interest in me or her and in fact had another girlfriend at the time. I was stubborn and would not listen to anyone and insisted on having her. I was even told by the doctors to abort the pregnancy due to medication I was on Dilantin for a seizure disorder I have had since birth. The medication caused birth defects 70% chance. I did not listen and continued the pregnancy and yes she was born with a birth defect. She had surgery to correct the defect but not 100% so she has to live with it. This is true and I may have made the wring decision but it is what it is. This is one of the many issues.

Thanks for your reply. I hope you understand how we the posters were frustrated to help you with no details available about your circumstances.

Re your daughter, I can understand her anger, but you didn't say what her birth defect is. Did not the Dilantin cause defects in the other five children? What did she lie to the others about?
 

Thanks for your reply. I hope you understand how we the posters were frustrated to help you with no details available about your circumstances.

Re your daughter, I can understand her anger, but you didn't say what her birth defect is. Did not the Dilantin cause defects in the other five children? What did she lie to the others about?

I'm scratching my head about this thread, though I'll accept it is basically as we're being told in the OPs few posts.

All I can say that might be of some kind of assistance, is purely general comments about the need to try to portray a view towards your kids in line with the "Transactional analysis" theory, or methodology (created by an American psychologist called Eric Berne half a century ago). You may have heard of this statement or phrase, "I'm okay, you're okay".

I apologise if you are familiar with these techniques, (as used by the police, medical profession etc.), to try to diffuse difficult relationships, and improve communication. Here is a link for those not familiar: https://affinitycentre.co.uk/transactional-analysis-theory-explained/

I lost contact with my daughter, but only after ten years of what I believe was very positive contact for both of us, (albeit she described it as "ruining the first twelve years of her life" - odd though she's forgotten telling her dad "Keep coming daddy", shortly after she'd said "I hate you, you're horrible!"). I did however try my best to create an atmosphere around my child where she was in no doubt how highly I thought of her, and to try my best to ignore her occasionally spoilt behaviour, and not allow my contact with her to focus too much on anything negative, such as her trying to defy me over going to church, telling one of my girlfriend "she wouldn't last long", (- she didn't! :rolleyes:) etc.

Does this help anyone, maybe not the OP with the wide range of very difficult issues outlined already, but who knows.
 
No matter what the subject is, you keep on coming back to your own story, the same story. In other words, YOU. As for your daughter meeting your girlfriendS -- maybe she shouldn't have.


You have a problem with someone thing that sharing their life experiences, but no difficulty handing out criticisms. Surely the OP and any others who might appreciate or find a grain of wisdom in anything I've got to say can decide for themselves can't they?

I admire "Transactional analysis" techniques, and cant/wont stop mentioning where I tried to use it. ;) .
 
I lost contact with my daughter, but only after ten years of what I believe was very positive contact for both of us, (albeit she described it as "ruining the first twelve years of her life" - odd though she's forgotten telling her dad "Keep coming daddy", shortly after she'd said "I hate you, you're horrible!").

I don't know why you quoted my post, are you talking to me or the OP?

You're just like the OP, short on details. You confide that your daughter told you the above in bold, yet you don't say WHY she said all that. YOU also make it sound like the problem is all your daughter's fault, none of your fault. If she thinks you're ''horrible'', there must be a reason even if she's exaggerating that reason. Like the adage says, "Where there's smoke, there is fire". All we know is YOUR side of your story.
 
I don't know why you quoted my post, are you talking to me or the OP?

You're just like the OP, short on details. You confide that your daughter told you the above in bold, yet you don't say WHY she said all that. YOU also make it sound like the problem is all your daughter's fault, none of your fault. If she thinks you're ''horrible'', there must be a reason even if she's exaggerating that reason. Like the adage says, "Where there's smoke, there is fire". All we know is YOUR side of your story.

As I've explained already in another post, I only mentioned my case to show to the OP there are others in the same position (maybe that helps them, and they'll maybe say whether it does?).

Therefore please ignore my post, and I only quoted yours because like you, I dont feel as though I understand the OP very well, (nothing more! :rolleyes: ).
 
Thanks for your reply. I hope you understand how we the posters were frustrated to help you with no details available about your circumstances.

Re your daughter, I can understand her anger, but you didn't say what her birth defect is. Did not the Dilantin cause defects in the other five children? What did she lie to the others about?
Answer to your questions:

1. Her birth defect was called an imperfered anus...she had no opening for a bowel movement. She had her bowels from her Virginia. When she reach 30 lbs they were able to operate and create an opening for her bowels. They called it a fistula transfer. So she did not have the spinkta mussel like we do.
2. I quit taking the Dilantin right then and never took it or any medication again. This also made me nervous to ever drink or smoke. I have continued to have seizures to this day. The other five are totally healthy. A great trade off I would say.
 
Answer to your questions:

1. Her birth defect was called an imperfered anus...she had no opening for a bowel movement. She had her bowels from her Virginia. When she reach 30 lbs they were able to operate and create an opening for her bowels. They called it a fistula transfer. So she did not have the spinkta mussel like we do.
2. I quit taking the Dilantin right then and never took it or any medication again. This also made me nervous to ever drink or smoke. I have continued to have seizures to this day. The other five are totally healthy. A great trade off I would say.
3. She has told many lies through the years. To name a few. I abused drugs. I did not know who the fathers of my kids were. I have been married 3 times. My 3rd and current husband had never met her but I talked of her to him. He and I do not have any natural children together but he raised the four younger. We were married 10 years and he and two of the kids ran into her at the mall. I was not there. She was working in the store they entered her sister was so happy to see her. He said she was nice and pleasant. I told him Not... I found out my daughter has exchanged numbers with her and within one week she had the police at my house with CPS claiming my husband and children life was in danger. I had not seen or spoken to her in over 11 years at that time. Of course nothing came of it...because it was unfounded with the exception of my daughter being unhappy because I would not allow her boyfriend to spen the night.
 
Answer to your questions:

1. Her birth defect was called an imperfered anus...she had no opening for a bowel movement. She had her bowels from her Virginia. When she reach 30 lbs they were able to operate and create an opening for her bowels. They called it a fistula transfer. So she did not have the spinkta mussel like we do.
2. I quit taking the Dilantin right then and never took it or any medication again. This also made me nervous to ever drink or smoke. I have continued to have seizures to this day. The other five are totally healthy. A great trade off I would say.

I'm sorry, for you and for your daughter. On the other hand, fetuses are born with disabilities and birth defects through no fault of the parents. The body is a highly complex organism, anything can go wrong during the gestation. Your only mistake was not aborting, but I know and have heard of plenty of mothers that refuse abortion even when they know for sure that the child will be defective. The child is the one that ultimately suffers the consequences.
 
I'm sorry, for you and for your daughter. On the other hand, fetuses are born with disabilities and birth defects through no fault of the parents. The body is a highly complex organism, anything can go wrong during the gestation. Your only mistake was not aborting, but I know and have heard of plenty of mothers that refuse abortion even when they know for sure that the child will be defective. The child is the one that ultimately suffers the consequences.
I agree...
 
Answer to your questions:

1. Her birth defect was called an imperfered anus...she had no opening for a bowel movement. She had her bowels from her Virginia. When she reach 30 lbs they were able to operate and create an opening for her bowels. They called it a fistula transfer. So she did not have the spinkta mussel like we do.
2. I quit taking the Dilantin right then and never took it or any medication again. This also made me nervous to ever drink or smoke. I have continued to have seizures to this day. The other five are totally healthy. A great trade off I would say.

Dear Babycakes,
you definitely shouldn't blame yourself over the birth defect. One of my sisters had the same condition diagnosed in my nephew, and she too blamed herself until her mother in law told her one of the relations on her side of the family had the condition too.

I hope this inspirational message helps you.
 

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I knew a child with this birth defect. At birth, his anal opening was near the center of his back. It had to be closed and he was operated on and given one in the proper place, all in the first few months of his life. He had great parents and large loving family who proclaimed upon him the nickname "Million Dollar Asshole." He is a fine man now with a family of his own.
 
Dear Babycakes,
you definitely shouldn't blame yourself over the birth defect. One of my sisters had the same condition diagnosed in my nephew, and she too blamed herself until her mother in law told her one of the relations on her side of the family had the condition too.

I hope this inspirational message helps you.
Thanks for sharing...Bless you....
 
I knew a child with this birth defect. At birth, his anal opening was near the center of his back. It had to be closed and he was operated on and given one in the proper place, all in the first few months of his life. He had great parents and large loving family who proclaimed upon him the nickname "Million Dollar Asshole." He is a fine man now with a family of his own.
So funny...
 
So, the one kid you didn't turn off: What does (s)he have to say about the siblings that can help you all be a family again?
 
I also wonder about that. Why did he/she stay in your corner? You said it is the youngest of your children.
He is not the youngest...he is the 2nd oldest...he said growing up she made his life a living Hell. He felt like she wanted to be an only child. She was always looking for something to get him in trouble. He said I always believed her. For some reason he said in spite of it all..he had the best mother and his friends always envied him...
 
I also wonder about that. Why did he/she stay in your corner? You said it is the youngest of your children.
He said the oldest is just plain evil. I would take them out to dinner every Friday to some restaurant. The Red Lobster was my favorite. Her story is I would take them out to dinner and never pay the bill. Can you imagine going to the same restaurant every Friday me and six children ant skipping out on the bill..She is a miserable person.
 
What sarcasm...I was truly refreshed...what is weak about telling you how it made me feel. I am disappointed that you were offended by my truth.
Gee, I'm so used to being criticized (not here) that I assumed that....I am relieved that I was wrong. Let's start all over again: Hi Babycakes, I'm Pepper. Let's get to know and help each other through this thing called LIFE.
 


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