Thanks but Iām not that social.

Yeah we might be.
I ām not religious so donāt much care about the bible or any other man made theories about God. I already know Iām going to what people refer to as heaven but wonāt get into why I know. Thatās for a different discussion.
I try my best with my parents because they are my parents and because my sense of guilt for not loving and forgiving them turns to self loathing and self hatred. For some reason I cannot hang on to anger and bitterness for long periods of time without internalizing it. It destroys me.
Short term anger and resentment I can do well; with flying colours even but it doesnāt last. I wish it could last. Iāve got this super soft spot for my parents . Perhaps I delude myself because I canāt stand the thought that they really didnāt think that much of me. It hurts too bad. In my mind, I justify their lack of compassion and empathy to not knowing any better. Of course I know they did know better because they managed to treat others with at least some resemblance of respect.
Oddly enough anyone who does know how these people treated me wonder why I keep having on. Years ago I was perfectly happy to have a no contact relationship with them but my husband worried that if they died, Iād be haunted forever, plus my brother needed my help.
Most families have grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and relatives and friends from these relatives who they could take cues from whereas I had none so didnāt really know what was normal and what wasnāt while growing up.
With all thatās happened regarding my parents, I probably should hate them . There are periods where I do but that hatred seems to poison me from within and I end up despising myself. I end up telling myself that they just donāt know how to love or be generous or that I wasnāt worthy of their love but while caring for them found evidence that they could be exceptionally generous; just not to me.
Truth is Anneda, there was a period while I cared fir my dad that I seriously considered pushing him down the stairs. The arrogance. sense of entitlement and total lack of gratitude for all Iād done was mind boggling but when he started whacking his cane at me because Iād purchased a bottle of scotch for his neighbour for caring for their personal mail for 25 years got me seeing red so I called him a selfish @sshole. It wound have cost them 2,000 a year to have their mail looked after by Canada post but taking advantage of someone rise so they could save money was far more important.
Apparently he didnāt give me permission to offer such kindness to this neighbour and this was $60 of his hard earned money.
This is the stuff I can tell you about . Thereās so much that happened that I canāt express since itās so inappropriate. Another thing that weighs heavily on my mind is the negativity others show when you withhold love from your own family. It all adds up to the total feeling of ānot belonging/damaged/ feeling ostracized.ā While everyone else is sharing all their cute, warm and fuzzy memories , you canāt help but feel like either the oddball or trouble maker. The cute message being ā you werenāt good enough to be loved.ā
If my brother hadnāt called me to reunite us 3 years ago then I would never have known they were going senile and needed help but since he did, I couldnāt help but help. Iām pretty sure that was the plan all along since my brother still works. He couldnāt do all the work needed and he knew that so he made a verbal deal with me which he later fully denied. My mom was coherent enough to rub it in that my brother was getting everything. Sheād even look directly into my eyes while she said it so she could get the total impact of hurt it caused.
Yeah. Thereās something wrong with me when I try and love people who consistently abused me throughout my entire life but I donāt know how to deal with the emotions connected to it all. Iāve even considered sueing them for physical.mental and sexual abuse sense thereās no time limitation . Thereās medical records and school records as proof , but again, Iād feel like a total scum bag for even considering it. Iām not sure if it would be liberating helpful or become one more huge factor to feel bad about.
Sometimes I wish I could fully hate them but Iād be hating myself too which Iām all too familiar with already. I donāt know how to handle this.
My brother emailed me the other day.
Heās text me. He called me on my birthday. I said nothing. I donāt want to resent my brother for being their favourite and getting everything my parents ever owned including their house , their possessions and all their money , but I do.