Helpful People Melt Away

debodun

debodun

SF VIP
Location
way upstate in New York, USA
How is it when you're undergoing bereavement, illness or other tough time people often say "If there's anything you need or I can do for you, just call." Then when you do, they are full of excuses why they can't help?

I asked an acquaintance that question and she said it's because it's a knee-jerk response for the circumstances, like the first thing you ask a person you know and meet, or that phones you, "How are you?" when you really aren't that interested in their condition. People that say to let them know if you need help don't expect you will actually take them up on it. It's bad form.
 

I heard George Carlin talk about this one time. He said he met an old friend on the street who asked him, “How are you doing?” George said he went into this long winded explanation of what was going on with him (all made up, of course) and soon the guy was looking at his watch.

When George was done talking, the guy says, “Sorry to hear that, but I have to run. Call me and we can talk about it.”

Some people really are sincere when they tell a person if there’s anything that you need, just call me, but like your friend said, most are just being patronizing.
 
A man told me that a few days after my husband died. I took him up on it, I said, "Actually, I have four railroad ties in the back of the pick up. I have to get them off the truck bed! I can pull on them if you could help push them out with your foot. Could you please help me do that?"
"Sure"
He jumped on the truck bed and pushed as I pulled them. It only took a couple minutes.
He jumped off the truck.
I said, "Oh, You don't know how much that helps me. I didn't know how I'd get them off by myself! Thank you so much!"
He held out the palm of his hand. "Fifty bucks!"

911 is right. Any sympathy is just being patronizing.
 

Gaer said:
A man told me that a few days after my husband died. I took him up on it, I said, "Actually, I have four railroad ties in the back of the pick up. I have to get them off the truck bed! I can pull on them if you could help push them out with your foot. Could you please help me do that?"
"Sure"
He jumped on the truck bed and pushed as I pulled them. It only took a couple minutes.
He jumped off the truck.
I said, "Oh, You don't know how much that helps me. I didn't know how I'd get them off by myself! Thank you so much!"
He held out the palm of his hand. "Fifty bucks!"

911 is right. Any sympathy is just being patronizing.
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I hope you said "bill me".
 
A friend of mine told me this many years ago the older you get the more you realise 03944D0B-7C7F-469E-9284-C0DA806C8D62.jpeg
how very true the statement is.

Ive been lucky having a couple of really close friends for years that I could rely on at a moments notice
 
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I found that I got more genuine sympathy from strangers than from the people I know. A lot of my friends fell to the wayside over the years when my husband was just too weak to do more than stay home. I got sympathy cards from my daughter-in-law's relatives who live in other states. I got one card from a friend who lives close by.

Business people I had to call to settle my husband's affairs always took time out at the end of the conversation to ask if I was o.k. and tell me they were sorry for my loss. The folks at my bank were very nice also. But those I would have listed as friends just weren't that interested anymore. The old "fair weather friends" title really fits sometimes.

I was raised to be very responsible and independent. That ended up getting me through this as well as I did. I know I can count on my son and daughter-in-law, but I also know I can count on myself. They say we can be our own worst enemy, sometimes. But, we can also be our own best friend.
 
Gaer said:
A man told me that a few days after my husband died. I took him up on it, I said, "Actually, I have four railroad ties in the back of the pick up. I have to get them off the truck bed! I can pull on them if you could help push them out with your foot. Could you please help me do that?"
"Sure"
He jumped on the truck bed and pushed as I pulled them. It only took a couple minutes.
He jumped off the truck.
I said, "Oh, You don't know how much that helps me. I didn't know how I'd get them off by myself! Thank you so much!"
He held out the palm of his hand. "Fifty bucks!"

911 is right. Any sympathy is just being patronizing.
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That's outrageous. Hope you dropped this guy like a bad habit. You need people like this in your life like you need the flu.

Friends and family have been very supportive the few times I've been in need, but I was careful to not take advantage, nor to drone on and on about my misery.

There's a difference between acquaintances who'll gladly lend a hand for a few minutes and close relationships that can weather greater need. Bottom line, everyone's got to paddle our own canoes. Once in a while you can reach over and lend someone an oar.
 
I just want to say..when I offer help to anyone, it's a genuine offer, and I will go out of my way to help them until they start taking advantage. Too many people equate kindness with weakness sadly.

However, all that said, if any of you ever need my help in any way, I'll be only to pleased to do what I can..

@Gaer ...what a horrible story.. what a complete user that guy was. Karma will be upon him one day..
 
Because I’m very aware of this insincerity, when I offer to help someone, I always add “This isn’t a social offer. I mean what I say.” And I make sure they understand that.

Occasionally I’m taken up on my offer and I always respond positively.

And I do things that way because insincerity is a HUGE pet peeve!! I hate when it’s done to me so I make sure to never do it to anyone else. 😡
 
debodun said:
How is it when you're undergoing bereavement, illness or other tough time people often say "If there's anything you need or I can do for you, just call." Then when you do, they are full of excuses why they can't help?
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I'm sorry you had to experience that Deb.

We went through a really difficult time in the last year or so and it was a real eye opener as to who our "friends" really were.

A counsellor friend of mine once told me that it can be difficult as seniors to find true friendship as so many our age are fighting really tough battles daily, of their own, such as health problems, family issues, financial struggles etc. Oddly enough there was one (much older) couple that did extend an unexpected by much appreciated hand of friendship to us when we needed it. Later when we had a chance to get to know them a lot better it was learned that they not only had experienced many serious personal/family problems for years, but were still willing to reach out and help someone else in need. I do believe there are indeed some who are angels among us.
 
I needed a few things fixed around the house like putting a brace on a front porch railing and sanding a door frame - probably very simple for someone that knows what they're doing and has the tools. There's a handyman in my church that has has a property management business and I dropped a few strong hints to him. All I got from him was a Mona Lisa smile. After a while, I finally asked him directly and he said in essence " I don't talk business on Sunday. Even so, If I do it for you, then everyone in the church will expect the same thing." All I can surmise is that he thought that because we attend the same church I expected he'd do the work for nothing. We never actually touched on that topic, but I guess that was his way of saying "Not interested." Maybe he just takes big jobs. I know some contractors I've talked with say they have a minimum price for work they accept (i.e. if the job isn't worth at least $5000 - sayonara).
 
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debodun said:
I needed a few things fixed around the house like putting a brace on a front porch railing and sanding a door frame - probably very simple for someone that knows what they're doing and has the tools. There's a handyman in my church that has has a property management business and I dropped a few strong hints to him. All I got from him was a Mona Lisa smile. After a while, I finally asked him directly and he said in essence " I don't talk business on Sunday. Even so, If I do it for you, then everyone in the church will expect the same thing." All I can surmise is that he thought that because we attend the same church I expected he'd do the work for nothing. We never actually touched on that topic, but I guess that was his way of saying "Not interested." Maybe he just takes big jobs. I know some contractors I've talked with say they have a minimum price for work they accept (i.e. if the job isn't worth at least $5000 - sayonara).
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He probably had several experiences with church members wanting him to work for free or cheap. "Church member discount" type of thing.

You could have responded with, "I understand not wanting to talk business on Sunday. If you have a card, perhaps we can talk business another day. There's some work I'd like to have done and would prefer to hire someone I know and whose work I've seen."
 
At a neighbor's birthday party, I met a lady who had cancer, and she mentioned her husband loved to fly, but had Parkinson's and could not get a license. I told her I was a pilot, and would be happy to take him up. The look on her face and her tears really moved me.
I met him, and we went flying together.
In the interim, unfortunately, his wife had passed away, and he needed comfort, and a place to go where he could escape his ground bound problems. Well, neither of us would see 70 again, but a late in life friendship was forged. Together, we flew over 250 hours of Angel Flight missions, and at one point were awarded a "Joined at the Hip" certificate from Angel Flight. We continued flying these missions until his disease got to a point where he was grounded. We are still very close.
My wife remarked how unusual it was to find a real friendship at our ages.
 
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There are "stand up" people and there are not. Thank God I've been permitted to stand up for some that really needed it. Its a wonderful blessing for both...the "healer gets healed".
 

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