Have you lost your grounding?

[Phoenix]

Today while I was painting my cover art for my current novel, it came to me what I've been experiencing relative to all my losses this last year and a half. As mentioned in another thread I've lost eight people and a 19-year-old cat. My dad has been gone since 1983, Mom since 2009, my dearest grand aunt since 2000. A bunch of older friends I always went to when I needed to be someplace comforting and supportive also died. My dad's mom died when I was 7, his dad when Dad was 15. My maternal grandparents passed when I was 16 and 21. All my aunts and uncles, except one aunt-in-law are gone. Plus over the years all my belief systems failed, and I had to find new ones, only for them to fail. Which is why I go by Phoenix. I could go on and on. At first I was thinking that it's like being one tree in a vast forest, and a few at a time those trees around you are cut down or die in a storm. Now, it's like I'm one of the few remaining trees, and it's disorienting. Today, I realized all of those from my past were part of my grounding, and it is now gone. I'm still standing, but the soil has washed away from most of the roots. It's a relief for my answers to come to me that way. It makes me feel freer. Yea!!!! On to the next...a new way of being...creating my own grounding.

 

[Ceege]

When I was 13, my grandmother told me that when you get married, and the first of the four parents pass away, that from then on it's like watching the coffins go by. After that, many of the people from their generation pass away, and as time goes by, many from your generation and even the generation after you pass away. In a four year time period, we lost the wife of a cousin, followed by the death of her daughter, and the suicide of the cousin. A whole family unit was gone. I can still picture the three of them sitting together at the dinner table at Thanksgiving.

This year my 20 year old cat passed away in January. My husband passed away in the spring. His younger brother passed away just two months later. And over the years many of our relatives have gone. Everything has changed. I have a son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter. But my daughter-in- law is a nurse and my son works at home now and stays with my granddaughter. We've visited a few times in our yards.

So yes, I understand what you mean about losing your grounding. And I know that even after this virus gets under control, everything will still be different. None of us know what the new normal will be. "On to the next" is a mystery for now.

 

[chic]

I understand.

 

[Gardenlover]

Life goes on in this world and the next. While "we" miss those who have passed away, do not be sorrowful for those things that are yet to come.

 

[Keesha]

The term, ‘they’re in a better place’ holds so much truth to those who believe.

 

[Phoenix]

When I was 13, my grandmother told me that when you get married, and the first of the four parents pass away, that from then on it's like watching the coffins go by. After that, many of the people from their generation pass away, and as time goes by, many from your generation and even the generation after you pass away. In a four year time period, we lost the wife of a cousin, followed by the death of her daughter, and the suicide of the cousin. A whole family unit was gone. I can still picture the three of them sitting together at the dinner table at Thanksgiving.

This year my 20 year old cat passed away in January. My husband passed away in the spring. His younger brother passed away just two months later. And over the years many of our relatives have gone. Everything has changed. I have a son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter. But my daughter-in- law is a nurse and my son works at home now and stays with my granddaughter. We've visited a few times in our yards.

So yes, I understand what you mean about losing your grounding. And I know that even after this virus gets under control, everything will still be different. None of us know what the new normal will be. "On to the next" is a mystery for now.

I'm so sorry for your losses. I know what it feels like to have the house sit on my chest and stay there, crushing the life out of me, and yet not doing the entire job. If you want to talk about it please contact me with a private message. I would be more than proud to hold your hand and allow you to cry on my virtual shoulder.

Keesha, I was raised to believe the way you do. But when you are alone in the middle of the night, God does not have skin you can touch. I know this is comforting for you, and I'm glad you have that. But for some of us, it does not work. We each have to find our own way. I am spiritual, but not religious. I choose to believe those who have died have gone on and I will see them again. It may or may not be true. But like I said, when a person is alone in the middle of the night it is not comforting to some of us. They aren't here and it's like having one's heart ripped out of the chest and all that remains it a gaping bloody hole with veins and arteries hanging out. So, we each have to find our own way that works. It's helpful to have friends who care enough to check on us regularly. That's one of the things that helps the most.

 

[grahamg]

Today while I was painting my cover art for my current novel, it came to me what I've been experiencing relative to all my losses this last year and a half. As mentioned in another thread I've lost eight people and a 19-year-old cat. My dad has been gone since 1983, Mom since 2009, my dearest grand aunt since 2000. A bunch of older friends I always went to when I needed to be someplace comforting and supportive also died. My dad's mom died when I was 7, his dad when Dad was 15. My maternal grandparents passed when I was 16 and 21. All my aunts and uncles, except one aunt-in-law are gone. Plus over the years all my belief systems failed, and I had to find new ones, only for them to fail. Which is why I go by Phoenix. I could go on and on. At first I was thinking that it's like being one tree in a vast forest, and a few at a time those trees around you are cut down or die in a storm. Now, it's like I'm one of the few remaining trees, and it's disorienting. Today, I realized all of those from my past were part of my grounding, and it is now gone. I'm still standing, but the soil has washed away from most of the roots. It's a relief for my answers to come to me that way. It makes me feel freer. Yea!!!! On to the next...a new way of being...creating my own grounding.

You say "your belief systems failed, you found new ones, only for them to fail".
I can recognise how things I believed to be true, or more so as a young man, have changed over the years. I used to believe the purpose of life was to love, but now I probably accept more my mothers viewpoint, that the purpose of life is survival.
I feel grounded most of the time, but its not beyond being shaken a little, as difficulties ahead sometimes appear more daunting. I am at peace with my thoughts about my parents passing, both within the last ten years, after good innings, although I didn't expect to feel that way concerning my mother. I can see all the good in her, in a way I couldn't appreciate when she was here, but my mother was not the sort to hold my foolishness against me I know.
Hopefully you will find enough to make you feel grounded that is timeless before too long. In the meantime you can always do some things you probably shouldn't do, or you're told you shouldn't do, to see if that makes you feel better(?). .

 

[Gary O']

Have you lost your grounding?

Now, it's like I'm one of the few remaining trees, and it's disorienting. Today, I realized all of those from my past were part of my grounding, and it is now gone.

I'd like to say I can relate
but
I can't
My folks were great
But, being home smothered me
Left home early
On my own for a very long time
The lady of the last 51 years of my life has given me caring skills I didn't know I had

But

If she takes a dirt nap before me?
I'll go back to what I've learned from early on

Guess I've developed my own 'grounding'

I may very well lose my mind before I lose my grounding or anything else

And, if so......heh....I won't know!

 

[Pecos]

Phoenix, I can sense your feeling of great loss. Our connections to the people we love are vital.

I do need to think about this subject quite a bit more, especially where it connects to the memories that we have edged into the individuals that we ourselves have become. This is a very deep topic.

 

[hellomimi]

I felt a deep sense of loss when dad passed away. He was my rock, whenever I felt unsure of myself, he'd remind me I can do anything. I had to let him go to be free of his earth body with all its pains and discomfort.

Dad's voice still plays in my head when I'm sad, and it puts me back to happy state.

@Phoenix, it's okay to feel what you're feeling now. Just know how fortunate you are for having the chance to engage with those beautiful creations in this lifetime.

 

[Phoenix]

Thank all of you for your caring when giving your responses to me. This giving a label to all I've been feeling has helped me. My parents have been gone long enough that I no longer feel pain because of it. When Mom died it was a relief. I no longer had to hold her up relative to my brother's crimes or protect her from him in any way. I no longer had to take care of everything for her. When Dad died I was 34. He had a bad heart, and it was time for him to go. When Mom died I was 60. All of her systems failed by then. It was time. So it was with the others. It's like being set free, but it takes adjustment. I've been married nearly 30 years. He's a good man. If he goes first it will be quite an adjustment for me. If I go first it will be quite an adjustment for him. There will be no one reliable to take care of our affairs. But such is the way of things. It's live, learn and grow. When we are young there are things that we learn, and as we age if we grow, those things grow too. I'm in the growth process. Life is about growth.

Thank you for sharing your own losses with me. I send you love and light.

 

[asp3]

It's a relief for my answers to come to me that way. It makes me feel freer. Yea!!!! On to the next...a new way of being...creating my own grounding.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel like you've lost your grounding but I really liked the way you closed your post. I found it to be quite positive and uplifting overall because of your last few lines.

I'm not sure I've ever really felt grounded, but I don't think I've really missed it. My family (mother, father and sister) have ebbed and flowed in and out of my life, there but not directly attached since we generally only get together on holidays and a few days a year here and there. I grew up completely non-religious and non-spiritual, but in my early 30's I learned how I could view the universe in a spiritual way while still not believing there is any sort of all knowing being or intelligence behind it all.

I love my wife and sons and would be devastated if I lost any of them, but for me it would be a change in my life but not something that ripped my foundation away. My mother is slowly slipping away but I'm at peace with that because I tried to help her get help but she and my father chose not to pursue help that would have improved her life and also would have improved my father's life as well. My sister and I enjoy seeing each other from time to time but I don't really feel that close to her.

So I think I'll be able to continue to live an enjoyable life and have the joy, happiness, pleasure and satisfaction I desire to have in my life. I don't feel grounded, but I think that might be what makes me feel free.

 

[Phoenix]

I'm sorry to hear that you feel like you've lost your grounding but I really liked the way you closed your post. I found it to be quite positive and uplifting overall because of your last few lines.

I'm not sure I've ever really felt grounded, but I don't think I've really missed it. My family (mother, father and sister) have ebbed and flowed in and out of my life, there but not directly attached since we generally only get together on holidays and a few days a year here and there. I grew up completely non-religious and non-spiritual, but in my early 30's I learned how I could view the universe in a spiritual way while still not believing there is any sort of all knowing being or intelligence behind it all.

I love my wife and sons and would be devastated if I lost any of them, but for me it would be a change in my life but not something that ripped my foundation away. My mother is slowly slipping away but I'm at peace with that because I tried to help her get help but she and my father chose not to pursue help that would have improved her life and also would have improved my father's life as well. My sister and I enjoy seeing each other from time to time but I don't really feel that close to her.

So I think I'll be able to continue to live an enjoyable life and have the joy, happiness, pleasure and satisfaction I desire to have in my life. I don't feel grounded, but I think that might be what makes me feel free.

When nearly everyone you know or have known is gone, it changes one's foundation. A person does not realize how much until it happens. Some of what surprised me was when I learned that four of my second husband's brother's had died. Three of them I really had not relationship with other than at family gatherings. They were cordial. One of them I considered a friend at the time my ex and I were together, but I hadn't seen or heard from him since. When I learned of their deaths, there was a vacancy. Same with my ex's second wife. She was a good woman. I hoped he treated her better than he treated me. I had a passel of cousins. A lot of them died. It's the vacant forest thing, even though I hadn't seen them for years. It's an odd feeling, maybe even trite. But there it is, if a person does not live in denial. I like to face what comes my way and overcome it. I don't escape into the usual escapes. It works better for me that way.