Wasn't sure the appropriate forum to post this on so here it is. I am looking for your thoughts. As my subject line states, my best friend died of cancer when we were both very young. She will always and forever be in my heart. She left behind a 2 year old child. Her husband remarried 6 months later, to the nurse who had cared for Autumn in her final days. That struck me as crass and I never had contact with him after that. But now and then over the years I have thought about her son and wondered if he is happy? successful? as loving as his mother was? A long time ago I did a Facebook search on his name. There were a few results, but when I saw one particular photo there was no question that he was Autumn and Gary's son (names changed for privacy's sake). I want to send him a private message. Maybe he would delete it, maybe he wouldn't respond, since he doesn't know who I am. I would like the opportunity to tell him about his mom and what an incredible person she was. I realize that decades have passed since her loss and maybe he wouldn't be interested in what I have to say anyway....or maybe he grew up believing his step mom is his real mom. Do I just leave this alone? Maybe there are questions in his heart about his mom? I don't want to drop a bomb on anyone's life. But I want him to know the person and friend that his mother was to me. What would you do?
My best friend died of cancer in 1974 at just 21 years old. She left behind a toddler.
- Thread starter deesierra
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What happens if his father never told him and he believes the step mother is the real mother? Not only does he find out that he has been lied to his entire life, he also finds out his mother is dead. I think it would be asking a lot of him to accept something like that from a stranger. You have no idea how his father chose to handle this. He did what he thought was best for his son. You could possibly be causing unnecessary emotional trauma. You could try to contact his father to see what he knows but, that may come across as odd. Maybe it is best left alone? This is of course is just my opinion.
C'est Moi
Dishin' it out.
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- Houston Y'all
Since she was your best friend, did you know her parents as well? If they (or any siblings) are still alive they might have more details about whether the child knows. I'd venture to guess that since his mother died, he knows... especially if his grandparents have had any part of his life.
I had a similar situation last year. A guy I was friends with when we were in our 20's moved to the Philippines. There were some things I didn't like about him later & I stopped being friends with him, but it didn't matter because he lived far away. I knew he had medical issues & didn't have much time left, so I decided to continue chatting with him because it made him happy.
After he died, his son (who I only met when he was 5 months old) contacted me & wanted to know everything about his dad, including why I stopped being friends with him for 3 years. I didn't want to tell him any negative stuff, but he reminded me that he was 25 & old enough to know & his mother wouldn't tell him the truth. I mentioned about how we butted heads over his father's racism, his 6 marriages & that he cheated on all of his wives, which made him a hypocrite because of his "deeply religious views" & how he liked to "counsel" people when he could use quite a bit of counseling himself. Then, I found out his son already knew some of it, but not the worst of it.
I haven't heard from the family since then; it's OK with me.
After he died, his son (who I only met when he was 5 months old) contacted me & wanted to know everything about his dad, including why I stopped being friends with him for 3 years. I didn't want to tell him any negative stuff, but he reminded me that he was 25 & old enough to know & his mother wouldn't tell him the truth. I mentioned about how we butted heads over his father's racism, his 6 marriages & that he cheated on all of his wives, which made him a hypocrite because of his "deeply religious views" & how he liked to "counsel" people when he could use quite a bit of counseling himself. Then, I found out his son already knew some of it, but not the worst of it.
I haven't heard from the family since then; it's OK with me.
hollydolly
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- Location
- London England
I would leave well alone . This man has to be at least 45 years old , and he most likely knows about his mother through relatives .. but there's always the small chance he doesn't !.. I can imagine how tempting it must be to contact him, but unless you can be sure about him knowing nothing about his mother , then I would leave the past in the past!!
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Thanks for sharing your experience. You were sure put on the spot!
Yes I knew her parents well. I spent a lot of time at their house through the years. She also had a younger brother. Sadly, her brother was killed in a tragic accident just a year prior to her death. Losing both children so close together was more than their marriage could survive and they divorced. I tried to keep in touch with each of them but they shut me out. I'm sure I was a sad reminder of what they had lost. Also, they never liked my friend's husband, didn't trust him (with good reason). I am afraid that they were not allowed to be a part of the boy's life. As for what he may have been told by the paternal grandparents.....who knows
I'm going against the grain on this one.
Life is short, Deesierra, and if (deep inside) you feel you want release or closure on this, and are fully prepared for whatever outcome arises, I say go for it.
All too often people go through their entire lives, holding back from reaching out, and IMO, not only does that make for a long life, always being reminded of something (the gnawing wonder of such), why put yourself through that.
I personally would reach out.
The door will either open, or the door will remain closed. You have nothing to loose and everything to gain.
Life is short, Deesierra, and if (deep inside) you feel you want release or closure on this, and are fully prepared for whatever outcome arises, I say go for it.
All too often people go through their entire lives, holding back from reaching out, and IMO, not only does that make for a long life, always being reminded of something (the gnawing wonder of such), why put yourself through that.
I personally would reach out.
The door will either open, or the door will remain closed. You have nothing to loose and everything to gain.
Butterfly
SF VIP
- Location
- Albuquerque, New Mexico USA
Same here. If someone told me that my mom wasn't my real mom and I didn't know them I'd be freakin.
Thanks for your thoughts Aunt Marg. If it weren't for Facebook I wouldn't have even know where to start in finding her son. Now that I have, yes, it is a gnawing wonder. His father and his maternal grandparents are not on FB that I can determine. It's very possible they are all deceased. I agree life is short and after we're dead, all the answers die with us.I'm going against the grain on this one.
Life is short, Deesierra, and if (deep inside) you feel you want release or closure on this, and are fully prepared for whatever outcome arises, I say go for it.
All too often people go through their entire lives, holding back from reaching out, and IMO, not only does that make for a long life, always being reminded of something (the gnawing wonder of such), why put yourself through that.
I personally would reach out.
The door will either open, or the door will remain closed. You have nothing to loose and everything to gain.
You are most welcome, Deesierra.
Nothing would make me more happy than to see you get that monkey off your back.
Thank you for your thoughts Aunt Marg. I didn't pursue anything for a few weeks, giving myself time to make the right decision. Strangely enough, after that few weeks I went back onto Facebook and could no longer find the man that appeared to be my friend's son. So I've reached a dead end, at least for now. Perhaps I should take not being able to find him on Facebook again as a sign to let it go.
I'm saddened by the news.
I was hoping to hear of a warm and long overdue reconnect with you and your friends son.
I appreciate you replying and letting me know, Deesierra.
Kaila
SF VIP
@deesierra
I've read this entire thread, and I too, have thought about you, in this situation.
There are many interesting, good thoughts people shared, regarding it.
It isn't an easy decision, and there doesn't seem to me to be a right or wrong, but I myself, leaned toward Aunt Marg's view on this one.
It might be time to let it go, now though. Perhaps time will tell.
Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you also.
I've read this entire thread, and I too, have thought about you, in this situation.
There are many interesting, good thoughts people shared, regarding it.
It isn't an easy decision, and there doesn't seem to me to be a right or wrong, but I myself, leaned toward Aunt Marg's view on this one.
It might be time to let it go, now though. Perhaps time will tell.
Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you also.
Thank you for caring
.