What’s the hardest thing you have done?

:cry:🥀 ...this is beyond "the hardest thing" for anyone to bear Gary O. It's a miracle that he's as functional now as you and me..."as long as he takes his meds" and we can be grateful for any steps forward. But still, you and your wife don't deserve this lifetime of deep disappointment and dark memories. I'm sorry Gary. Do you have support to give you comfort?
 

Gary O' said:
Oh, I hardly ever bottle tings up.
I just don't care to bore anyone, especially when it's been posted more than once.

But, here 'tis;

I just watched the movie 'Shine' last night

.....reminded me of my eldest son

was hard to hold emotion thru some parts

was much harder for my Lady

but we remained

riveted

My son
Excelled in academics
Skipped grades
Won awards
Became somewhat sought after
Mensa
Artistic things hung in municipal halls
Life for him was just too slow apace
Stayed up for days at a time
He’d regurgitate all his thoughts to his mother and I
It was a bit suffocating

Then one day he came to me in my shop
....and began crying, telling me he felt he was going crazy,
but unable to put his feelings into words
I hugged him
Told him all kids go thru puberty and change
‘this too shall pass’ kinda thing

The next years are a blur
I guess maybe I never have wished to dwell on the events in those years

I’ll try to piece some together on my own, as I know better than to ask my lady


He ended up in prison
At 19
Advancing from a minimum security facility to OSP
And on to ‘thunderdome’
Where nobody wants to go

Tried to arrange visits
Rejected countless times
Talked to OSP counselors
‘forget your son, concentrate on your other children’

We got a call
OSP does not call anyone
‘You need to see your son’

The visiting area was like a staging zone for zoo critters
Steel tables, benches, cemented in
Chain link walls and doors
He was led in by guards
Shackled head to toe
Made to sit
Unseeing eyes
No recognition
Indistinguishable utterances
He stunk to high heaven
Never looked our way

On the way home I had to pull over, off the freeway
I don’t remember the last time I cried
Maybe as a small child...
But
Never wept like that in my life
And have yet too since
Bitter
Helpless
Godless
Utter hopelessness

A week (?) later we got another call
He was being transferred to the psych ward across the street
Where ‘One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest’ was filmed

We were told he had quit eating entirely
Weighed 90 lbs
A guard carried him across the street

We were led to the visiting area
Typical booth like situation for visitors
Only, the other side of the glass was something from a zombie movie
We got to watch him attempt to drink milk and cry

My lady had a very hard time
I went alone
Weeks of visiting later, he was released
Just like that

After 7 years of maximum security

to us

I do not do well when cleaning up men with uncontrolled body functions

Triage
Nut bins
Meds

It’s all a blur

Somewhere in there, when he was still cognizant, I did a bit of a fraught thing…

We talked about his options
He wanted to go camping

So

Him and I packed his meager belongings

Bought him some basic camp stuff

Drove him to the Trask river area


And dropped him off

while it began to rain

Ever do something that gave you immediate relief, knowing the end result would probably not be optimal?

The sack of cats Dad would have me toss out the window of a speeding Chevy may have had an influence

On the way back home, I tried not to think.

Still

Thoughts crept in

Maybe he’d just lie there curled in his sleeping bag
Inert
Oblivious
Until days later large birds of prey would dine on his remains

It’s all a blur

They found him 300 miles south
Incoherent

The Tillamook women’s mental health facility asked us to take him back 'he can't stay here'

More triage

Got him hooked up with a place called Luke-Dorf

General population nut bin for semi-functional goofballs
Then what they call the quad
Then paired up in a shared apartment
And now
On his own
On a budget

I figger the tax payer’s dollars for this are from this tax payer

During these times he’d ever so often not take his meds
Sometimes it was because they changed colors or shapes and he didn’t think they were right
Sometimes it was just because he thought he no longer needed them
Always ended with me going over there, reattaching his phone, and fishing his glasses outa the toilet.

He’s as functional now as you and me, first look.

As long as he takes his meds.

Sorry
This is jumbled time line mess
My lady can recite the events like they happened yesterday
7 or more years of them
I will not take her there
Click to expand...

Remember "Footsteps" GO? Even when you are not with your son he will never be alone. GOD will walk in the sand for him.
 
I looked after my bipolar mother for 60 years and dad despised me for doing what he wouldn't learn how to do. When his pancreatic cancer struck, I nursed him as well......mercifully for everyone his death came pretty quick. His last words to me were, "You're not good enough to shine Skip's shoes". Skip was the older of my two brothers and dad's favorite. Dad's been gone 19 years, Mom a bit more than a year and a half and Skip 2 years.
Now I'm 67 years old and figuring out what to do with the time I have left. It would be nice to not keep thinking about the past.
 
Gary O' said:
What’s the hardest thing you have done?


Visiting my first born son in a secured mental ward (seeing him chained head to toe), before he was diagnosed with catatonic schizophrenia.
That was a tough one, probably the toughest

I'd post my story on that one, but it's been posted too many times
I don't mind re-reading it, just don't wish to upset anyone


I get that
Darkness can never exist in light
Yet light can remove darkness
Click to expand...

Thanks GO. Your story is proof positive that one truly has to walk in another's shoes to fully understand their lot in life. This movie is as close as one can get to know what you have experienced. You and your son are in my prayers.

I hope you don't mind my sharing this telling story with our family here.

Just the first few minutes are in Spanish but the rest of the video is in English.

 
Mr. Ed said:
For me the most thing I have done in life was emptying myself of all preformed notions of life and trusting in myself to live each moment as it comes to me. Sometimes I lose patience or get upset over trivial nonsense I put myself in a context from people from whom I feel wronged until I realize my error and recenter myself.

Overcoming mental illness was not easy, but highly productive.
Click to expand...
You're on a good path Mr. Ed. Keep faith in yourself, one day at a time.
 
Repondering said:
I looked after my bipolar mother for 60 years and dad despised me for doing what he wouldn't learn how to do. When his pancreatic cancer struck, I nursed him as well......mercifully for everyone his death came pretty quick. His last words to me were, "You're not good enough to shine Skip's shoes". Skip was the older of my two brothers and dad's favorite. Dad's been gone 19 years, Mom a bit more than a year and a half and Skip 2 years.
Now I'm 67 years old and figuring out what to do with the time I have left. It would be nice to not keep thinking about the past.
Click to expand...
@Repondering I feel the same as you in that I am the eldest of 2 girls and in my Alcoholic Mother's eyes
I was to blame for anything and everything that went wrong whereas my younger sister could do no wrong
My Mother and Father divorced when I was 12 and Mum took great delight in telling me it was all my fault
she had to marry Dad in the first place. I often find myself thinking about the past and the worst times
for this are when I am by myself or I am unable to sleep and I go over the awful things she did and said to me
Read the following....it may help....but know this....you are NOT alone....you have many friends here :giggle:

'Yes, there is a psychological reason, you are there as a mirror to your motherʼs /father's thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
This is only because by birth you are a captive audience. She/He can lash out at you as you remind her/him of all her/his faults, failures and emotional angst. You merely just happen to be there.'
 
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Gary O' said:
Oh, I hardly ever bottle things up.
I just don't care to bore anyone, especially when it's been posted more than once.

But, here 'tis;

I just watched the movie 'Shine' last night

.....reminded me of my eldest son

was hard to hold emotion thru some parts

was much harder for my Lady

but we remained

riveted

My son
Excelled in academics
Skipped grades
Won awards
Became somewhat sought after
Mensa
Artistic things hung in municipal halls
Life for him was just too slow apace
Stayed up for days at a time
He’d regurgitate all his thoughts to his mother and I
It was a bit suffocating

Then one day he came to me in my shop
....and began crying, telling me he felt he was going crazy,
but unable to put his feelings into words
I hugged him
Told him all kids go thru puberty and change
‘this too shall pass’ kinda thing

The next years are a blur
I guess maybe I never have wished to dwell on the events in those years

I’ll try to piece some together on my own, as I know better than to ask my lady


He ended up in prison
At 19
Advancing from a minimum security facility to OSP
And on to ‘thunderdome’
Where nobody wants to go

Tried to arrange visits
Rejected countless times
Talked to OSP counselors
‘forget your son, concentrate on your other children’

We got a call
OSP does not call anyone
‘You need to see your son’

The visiting area was like a staging zone for zoo critters
Steel tables, benches, cemented in
Chain link walls and doors
He was led in by guards
Shackled head to toe
Made to sit
Unseeing eyes
No recognition
Indistinguishable utterances
He stunk to high heaven
Never looked our way

On the way home I had to pull over, off the freeway
I don’t remember the last time I cried
Maybe as a small child...
But
Never wept like that in my life
And have yet too since
Bitter
Helpless
Godless
Utter hopelessness

A week (?) later we got another call
He was being transferred to the psych ward across the street
Where ‘One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest’ was filmed

We were told he had quit eating entirely
Weighed 90 lbs
A guard carried him across the street in his arms

We were led to the visiting area
Typical booth like situation for visitors
Only, the other side of the glass was something from a zombie movie
We got to watch him attempt to drink milk and cry

My lady had a very hard time
I went alone
Weeks of visiting later, he was released
Just like that

After 7 years of maximum security

to us

I do not do well when cleaning up men with uncontrolled body functions

Triage
Nut bins
Meds

It’s all a blur

Somewhere in there, when he was still cognizant, I did a bit of a fraught thing…

We talked about his options
He wanted to go camping

So

Him and I packed his meager belongings

Bought him some basic camp stuff

Drove him to the Trask river area


And dropped him off

while it began to rain

Ever do something that gave you immediate relief, knowing the end result would probably not be optimal?

The sack of cats Dad would have me toss out the window of a speeding Chevy may have had an influence

On the way back home, I tried not to think.

Still

Thoughts crept in

Maybe he’d just lie there curled in his sleeping bag
Inert
Oblivious
Until days later large birds of prey would dine on his remains

It’s all a blur

They found him 300 miles south
Incoherent

The Tillamook women’s mental health facility asked us to take him back 'he can't stay here'

More triage

Got him hooked up with a place called Luke-Dorf

General population nut bin for semi-functional goofballs
Then what they call the quad
Then paired up in a shared apartment
And now
On his own
On a budget

I figger the tax payer’s dollars for this are from this tax payer

During these times he’d ever so often not take his meds
Sometimes it was because they changed colors or shapes and he didn’t think they were right
Sometimes it was just because he thought he no longer needed them
Always ended with me going over there, reattaching his phone, and fishing his glasses outa the toilet.

He’s as functional now as you and me, first look.

As long as he takes his meds.

Sorry
This is jumbled time line mess
My lady can recite the events like they happened yesterday
7 or more years of them
I will not take her there
Click to expand...
Your story has broken my heart in a million pieces. I am so sorry for what you and your wife have had to endure all of these years. Mother, my sisters and I dealt with a very similar situation with my one and only brother. He led a tragic life and experienced an even more tragic death. My beautiful baby brother is now resting in peace.ed273875058ed38f92b928b554a44e79[1].jpg
 
Last edited:
Repondering said:
Now I'm 67 years old and figuring out what to do with the time I have left. It would be nice to not keep thinking about the past.
Click to expand...
Have you pondered why you keep ruminating on the past? Our past is there to teach us lessons and not like a boulder we carry on our shoulders.

Do not just wish it would be nice not to keep thinking of the past. You have the choice @Repondering and choose wisely to enjoy the remaining years of your life. You are not a victim, fate has molded you to be a survivor. Be kind to yourself and reach out to others. Nothing changes unless you act...NOW.
 
I do not often share this however, here goes. I was diagnosed in 1974 as Borderline Schizophrenia after binging on psychedelic drugs. I was a mess. I could not make simple decision such as should I pick the chair or the couch to sit on, knowing full well should my choice be wrong it would be deviating. The same was true with any decision I made followed by certain catastrophe.

I thought the world and life was made up of a series levels like a video game and choosing the correct combination I would gravitate to higher consciousness. I thought the world was magic, I would drive around searching for a sign. Once found could do something else.

I was addicted to tobacco products until going into the hospital for cardiomyopathy my wife removed all tobacco items before returning home so I stopped smoking.

Prior to hospitalization, I isolated myself in the laundry room puffing away on cigars & cigarettes nonstop until it was time to go to bed. My nicotine addiction was time consuming and a convenient excuse to avoid socialization.

In 2005, I overdosed on prescription medication and herbal supplements. Realizing what I had done I called my wife at work, but the office personnel could not understand my garbled voice. Frustrated I yanked the phone from the bedroom wall, and as if I was being led to the bathroom I disrobed, turned on the shower and entered through the shower curtain at the front off the bathtub. I paused for a moment letting the soothing water trickle off my shoulders and down my body.

I pulled the shower curtain this time from the rear of the bathtub and exited. There is no way I could have or would have conducted this type of ritual on my own without guidance. This occurred in March of 2005, the week before Easter when Christians celebrate. Jesus’s resurrection and victory over death/sin. Easter is viewed as forgiveness and new beginnings which was certainly true in my case.

Suddenly life made sense to me and is if by miracle I understood what needed to be done in my life to be a free and productive human being. From that moment forward I returned to work after 34 years of symptomatic disability, I graduated with honors from community college and because my recovery was Christian symbolic I attended Bible College for two semesters until transferring to New York State University and graduated in 2017 in Human Services.

Presently employed at a 38 bed single room occupancy mental health housing for moderate-severe symptomatic adult co-ed living Facility as Peer Support Specialist.

Well, that’s me in a nut shell except I forgot to mention. Since childhood I imagine myself serving as minister in some compactly, however, this turned out to be false. I learned this in Bible College. In retrospect my purpose for attending bible college was to immerse myself in Christian studies for my own understanding. It was not a waste of time even though all of the while I assumed I was studying to enter into the ministry. Nothing is wasted in life.
 
Repondering said:
I looked after my bipolar mother for 60 years and dad despised me for doing what he wouldn't learn how to do. When his pancreatic cancer struck, I nursed him as well......mercifully for everyone his death came pretty quick. His last words to me were, "You're not good enough to shine Skip's shoes". Skip was the older of my two brothers and dad's favorite. Dad's been gone 19 years, Mom a bit more than a year and a half and Skip 2 years.
Now I'm 67 years old and figuring out what to do with the time I have left. It would be nice to not keep thinking about the past.
Click to expand...
Heartbreaking... :cry:
 
Y'know, there's some horrific stories here
It may not be so good to dwell on them
Kinda hard to not if it's ongoing

Someone here posted 'one day at a time'
So true

But, you know what?
If you dwell on others, in a kind way
Your own troubles take a back seat
I've found this early on in life
One's own burdens tend to go away
Heh, I've even seen it right here in this thread...folks caring for others

You guys all rock
Guess that's why we're now so freaking old
We know how to get old
And how to enjoy life
No matter what comes

Y'all keep a fire

zz.jpg
 
Gary O' said:
Y'know, there's some horrific stories here
It may not be so good to dwell on them
Kinda hard to not if it's ongoing

Someone here posted 'one day at a time'
So true

But, you know what?
If you dwell on others, in a kind way
Your own troubles take a back seat
I've found this early on in life
One's own burdens tend to go away
Heh, I've even seen it right here in this thread...folks caring for others

You guys all rock
Guess that's why we're now so freaking old
We know how to get old
And how to enjoy life
No matter what comes
Click to expand...
None of us, even those that lived/lives a sheltered life are spared from adversities, heartaches, difficulties, or whatever...

BUT

The fact we're here discussing this means we're all survivors. Ain't that great? Today, tell someone you love them and that love will come back to you 😊
 
hellomimi said:
None of us, even those that lived/lives a sheltered life are spared from adversities, heartaches, difficulties, or whatever...

BUT

The fact we're here discussing this means we're all survivors. Ain't that great? Today, tell someone you love them and that love will come back to you 😊
Click to expand...

Unfortunately not my parents, or any of my siblings..we were raised without love, and ergo my siblings don't know how to give it
 
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