Ron's ex has escalated. Any advice?

Ronni

Ronni

Well-known Member
Location
Nashville TN
I've posted here before about Julie, Ron's ex. She's manipulative and controlling, and has up till now maintained and propagated her fantasy that in spite of their divorce, she and Ron and the kids and grandkids are still one big happy family, and that I, and her husband are adjuncts to it. She's said this very same thing to me on more than one occasion. She "welcomed" me into "their family," when Ron and I became engaged. She kept making overtures of friendship in the beginning, wanting to engage me in friendly chats about "our man" (Ron) I wouldn't oblige her.

Her confrontational, aggressive manner began escalating the closer we got to the wedding. She was unhappy that she wasn't invited, attempted by several means to manipulate her way into being around for the wedding (having her daughter ask us, and then calling me, wanting to just "drop by" on the day of our wedding so her husband could see the newest grand baby...a transparent excuse.) Uh....no. The day after the wedding, two days before we were leaving on our honeymoon, she called Ron and demanded to have returned to her a sketch she drew of their oldest daughter when she was a baby. Ron has had it and treasured it for many years, and I had it framed for him as an engagement present. Ron was angry at the request, angry that she'd try to get into a fight with him about it, and told her he'd deal with it when we returned from our honeymoon. She was furious.

The first day of our honeymoon, she began barraging us with texts, over and over about the picture. We just ignored her. The next day she sent another text:
"Hey Sheri (Ron's daughter) couldn't find the picture. Did you hide it?" She sent Sheri into the house (she has access to the house to take care of her turtles which she still hasn't moved over to her new place yet) to get the picture!!! We ignored that one too.

The next day while we're back on the road, she sends a series of group texts to us:
"Well that pic of Krystal isn't up on your wall. Just saw FaceTime from Sheri to prove it. So FYI, I don't have it."
"We don't know where it's at. Why does this have to be so much drama to get something back I made.
"Don't know what you guys did with it but it's my picture that i made of my daughter with my own two hands n heart."
"I'm really upset about the picture, it's nowhere to be found, it's just ****ing gone."
"I don't want anything to do with you guys anymore. it's ****ed up"

She sent someone into our home to VIDEO EVERY ROOM so that she could see that the picture wasn't there! While we were on honeymoon. WTF?????? Into our own personal private space!!! Uh....BOUNDARIES????? (The picture btw is where it always was. We didn't do anything with it. My daughter came to the house to get mail and water the plants etc., while we were on honeymoon, and saw it sitting right where it's always been.)

We were driving when the texts came in. Ron was so furious when I read them to him that he had to pull over. He wanted to call her and have it out with her. I told him no, let's not play her game and spoil our honeymoon. So we blocked her on both our phones and he called Sheri and told her to tell her mother that she (Sheri) was forbidden to enter the house unless we were there.

There was blessed silence after that....until yesterday, when Ron answered his phone, thinking it was a work call, to discover that Julie was calling him from another number, to harass him once again about the picture. No hello, no nothing. Just “Hey, did you block me on your phone?” Said with major attitude. Ron said, yeah, I did, and I can’t talk to you right now. Click. His phone rang and rang after that, and he just didn't bother. Then last night, he noticed he had voice mails. He suspected Julie, and he was right. She was harassing him again, cussing me out, calling me every name, saying I'd destroyed her family, ranting and raving, message after message.

He's blocked that number too. Eventually she'll run out of phones to use lol!! Our marriage obviously triggered something for her. Her oldest daughter Krystal asked us if there was an issue, because apparently Julie called her too. Krystal was disgusted with her Mother's behavior, surmised that her Mom was jealous that her Dad was happy and had a good healthy relationship etc. while her Mom's relationship is rocky.

She's unstable. She's a nut case as far as I'm concerned. I guess we've blown apart her fantasy that we're all one big happy family and she doesn't like that. Her comments about me are vicious. We're continuing to block her, and will for as long as possible. As far as I'm concerned, I won't be talking to her again, but realistically, Ron may need to if anything serious with the kids or grands come up. But other than that, he's so relieved to finally have her essentially out of his life for the most part.

I've dealt with nut cases before, by maintaining very firm boundaries and distancing myself from them. Same as I'm doing with Julie right now. The difference here though is that it may become necessary for Ron to deal with her from time to time.

Any additional advice?
 

peramangkelder said:
@Ronni if Ron has to deal with Julie then you be there with him as support
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Agreed. He's always been completely transparent about Julie, if she calls he immediately puts it on speaker, etc., and really values my support of him when things get rough with her, as they've done off and on ever since I've known him. She seems to be cyclic in her ups and downs, but the downs have been getting more and more aggressive the closer we've gotten to the wedding. I'll continue to support him like I always have.
 
I feel sorry for you and your wife. I ended up making a police report about my ex and her mother. az visit to the District Attorney's office solved our problem. BUT, this was in 1975, long before smartphones, Facebook, etc.
The only advice I can give is try not to upset you and ignore her. It is very difficult to do when children are involved and she is manipulating them.
When my sons reached adulthood, they finally realized what a whack job my ex was.
 
Well, this is what life is like with mother’s in laws, children, and ex wives and ex mothers in laws. My daughters husband ex wife was hellish and it didn’t end until my daughters three step sons graduated from high school even though the ex wife had remarried.

I agree. Just stay out of it and let him handle his and you handle yours. The one big happy blended family situation usually only works on tv. As the daughter of a man who married, at least 7 times, and has, at least, 9 half siblings I am aware of the challenges.

Though I was lucky because dad was always hiding from process servicers and the law. 😂
 
@Ronni .. I know exactly what you're going through, and also know that it's a difficult thing to have to endure. Some exes are very manipulative, dragging their children along on their vendettas. Ron may have to go through legal means to stop her harassment. The children should not have to become involved with her bitterness.
 
Can you file reports with the police department so that there is a defined and reported paper trail and if it continues ask for a no-contact (meaning both physical and telecommunication) restraining order? That would be signed by a judge that prevents that individual from engaging in problematic behavior with you, you're husband or both. Best wishes..
 
Becky1951 said:
Her whole basis for her current fit she's throwing is the sketch, I agree with Pepper, make a copy.

Give her the original then she has lost her reason to argue and demand it.

Make it clear to her that her own actions over the sketch has prompted yours and Ron's desire of having no future contact with her.
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Julie gave the sketch to her daughter Krystal years ago. Krystal is the subject of the sketch from when she was a baby. Ron’s girls have always lived with him and the sketch was always on Krystal’s wall. She knew how much her Dad loved the piece, and when she moved out she gave it to him as a gift and he’s had it ever since.

Julie maintains that it’s still hers. She’s rewriting history as to how it came into Ron’s possession, said it was never Krystal’s to give away. Ron won’t be giving her the sketch back but is more than willing to make a copy of it for Julie.

@Becky1951 Julie hasn’t ever taken responsibility for her own actions since I’ve known her, so it won’t ever be clear to her that something SHE did has resulted in us blocking her or wishing no further contact. Nothing is ever her fault.
 
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Oldguy said:
The picture has nothing to do with her stupidity. Give it to her and she will just come up with something else to be stupid about.
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Exactly this!!! It’s always something, Some thing she’s upset about, some mean way someone has treated her, some inequity in her life that somehow Ron or her girls or me are responsible for.

Before she escalated as badly as she did as a result of the wedding, she insisted that Ron was to blame for Julie and her husband dealing with hard times financially, because her husband’s work was cut back, and Ron wouldn’t hire him as a part-time helper in his business. Of course their financial hardship had NOTHING to do with the fact that her hubs wasn’t out there hustling for work but spent the time in his shop building things that “were sure to sell” 🤦🏼‍♀️
 
IMO, if you report her to the police or get a restraining order things will get much worst. I won’t go into great detail, but I had a restraining order once. Didn’t restrain anyone. Then went to court, twice, after the order was issued, when a couple of foster children could not accept moving from my home. Judge ordered them and the social services department to stop bothering me.

Social services did. Took years before the children did. Then heard from two of them last year asking where I lived. Yeah, like I’m giving out that information-not. Anyway, it’s your decision.
 
Oldguy said:
Change the locks, put the turtles outside, call her to pick up the turtles before the vultures get them. The picture has nothing to do with her stupidity. Give it to her and she will just come up with something else to be stupid about.
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Exactly! Like others said, make copy of the picture for her, and see if that silences her. I doubt it.
 
The more oxygen she gets the more viciously her fire will burn. I agree with Old Guy somewhat about the turtles.

If it were me, I'd have Ron wander over to Sheri's when she's sure to be home, and bring the turtles, turtle food, turtle tank, and all turtle paraphernalia, with the saga that they seem to have been missing her and her children. Problem solved.

Change the locks on your doors, don't give a key to anyone who has been proven untrustworthy with one, and install some security cameras.

Ron might also mention to Sheri that if she continues to step over the line she'll need to find someplace to live other than on his property.
 
StarSong said:
Change the locks on your doors, don't give a key to anyone who has been proven untrustworthy with one, and install some security cameras.
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Make them electronic with unique key codes for each approved person. There are fancy ones so you can see who used the codes, reset them remotely, etc. Security cameras inside & out, absolutely.

Both of you should keep a copy of all harassing phone calls & messages.

It doesn’t seem to me that you’re trying to solve the problem, just being supportive and asking us for advice for Ron.
 
needshave said:
Can you file reports with the police department so that there is a defined and reported paper trail and if it continues ask for a no-contact (meaning both physical and telecommunication) restraining order? That would be signed by a judge that prevents that individual from engaging in problematic behavior with you, you're husband or both. Best wishes..
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^^^^ Bingo. I was waiting to read an intelligent post. Another reason for the restraining order: There has to be a legal record established BEFORE she does something worse than simple harassment. That gives you some protection if she escalates - which is likely.
I went through the same thing when I dated a woman years ago. Her ex harassed & threatened me for weeks - including threatening to kill me, until I took out a restraining order. After he was served & had to hire a lawyer & appear in court, he again phoned me & sarcastically asked, "Do you really think that restraining order will protect you?"
I replied, "No. That's not the purpose. The purpose is to establish a legal record that you're a nutcase, so if you force me to defend myself, there will be evidence of your conduct that may prevent me from being convicted of manslaughter. And, since you've threatened to kill me, and it is now a legal record, coming within 100 yards of me would be a fatal mistake for you."
 
win231 said:
^^^^ Bingo. I was waiting to read an intelligent post. Another reason for the restraining order: There has to be a legal record established BEFORE she does something worse than simple harassment. That gives you some protection if she escalates - which is likely.
I went through the same thing when I dated a woman years ago. Her ex harassed & threatened me for weeks - including threatening to kill me, until I took out a restraining order. After he was served & had to hire a lawyer & appear in court, he again phoned me & sarcastically asked, "Do you really think that restraining order will protect you?"
I replied, "No. That's not the purpose. The purpose is to establish a legal record that you're a nutcase, so if you force me to defend myself, there will be evidence of your conduct that may prevent me from being convicted of manslaughter. And, since you've threatened to kill me, and it is now a legal record, coming within 100 yards of me would be a fatal mistake for you."
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I will remind you of countless women who have restraining orders to prevent their ex husband from hurting or killing them, and they were still beaten and many are dead. I disagree doing this completely.

The restraining order I had was not for me but one of my children. Twenty years later, there are still safeguards in place to protect him. Jealous is horrific.
 
Aneeda72 said:
I will remind you of countless women who have restraining orders to prevent their ex husband from hurting or killing them, and they were still beaten and many are dead. I disagree doing this completely.

The restraining order I had was not for me but one of my children. Twenty years later, there are still safeguards in place to protect him. Jealous is horrific.
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Exactly the point. Many women are found murdered at the hands of their ex's - with the restraining order documents near their body.
A pile of papers can't offer any physical protection; only legal protection if someone protects themselves.
 
Seems like she's looking for excuses to stay in his life as much as possible. Her current 'business' with Ron is find the sketch. Next week it will be a graduation picture or something. It all seems like an excuse to stay in his life. She has not moved on obviously.
 

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