Wanting all our own way,....., is this ubiquitous?

grahamg

grahamg

Old codger
Location
South of Manchester, UK
My late father used to say to my mother (in particular), "Have your own way, and you'll live a day longer"!

I doubt anyone one of us is completely immune from liking to have our own way over whatever it might be, anything from something so simple and inconsequential as which parking space you might choose, when your partner tells you to park in another one perhaps, to the next house you might choose to purchase, and how easily you come to agreement to purchase, or decline their choice for whatever reason(?).

You don't have to be a complete control freak to like to have your own way, (though by all measures they've got this characteristic in spades by definition,.... I hope no one thinks this description fits me btw?), but life does get pretty tough if you're denied your own way " too much",(however you might assess this?). :)
 

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A lot depends on your upbringing. A child which is used to getting what it wants will expect life to continue in the same vein. A rude awakening is usually on the cards!
Incidentally, wouldn't you think that indulged children would be the happiest in the world? Yet they seldom are. Proof I think that getting what you want all the time perhaps makes you feel dissatisfied?
 
Rosemarie is right, indulging the child often makes bullies of them, they think that they can always have it their own way even if that means riding roughshod over anyone and everyone.

My wife and her siblings are all very generous at compromising. When they were growing up at home, there might be a time when they couldn't get their own way. If it caused a tantrum my mother-in-law would let them go on for only so long, she had the perfect expression to bring them down. "Go on kid," she would say, "shit and stamp in it!" It either brought tears or a begrudging smile but it instilled fair play while they were young, something indulgent children never knew.
 

Sadly, more and more seem to have adopted the attitude of "I want what I WANT and I want it NOW!". This became particularly clear to me over the past year as I observed the responses of people here to the pandemic.

Rosemarie is quite right. Since the end of WWII young people in the west have been increasingly coddled and indulged. I believe we're now paying the price for that.
 
I think most women want their own way, because they know what they are talking about !!
But a lot of spoilt men demand their own way......and they wonder why, their marriages donā€™t last .šŸ§
 
Tommy said:
Sadly, more and more seem to have adopted the attitude of "I want what I WANT and I want it NOW!". This became particularly clear to me over the past year as I observed the responses of people here to the pandemic.
Rosemarie is quite right. Since the end of WWII young people in the west have been increasingly coddled and indulged. I believe we're now paying the price for that.
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We start to sound like a curmudgeon, but we do think this don't we! :(
 
horseless carriage said:
Rosemarie is right, indulging the child often makes bullies of them, they think that they can always have it their own way even if that means riding roughshod over anyone and everyone.
My wife and her siblings are all very generous at compromising. When they were growing up at home, there might be a time when they couldn't get their own way. If it caused a tantrum my mother-in-law would let them go on for only so long, she had the perfect expression to bring them down. "Go on kid," she would say, "shit and stamp in it!" It either brought tears or a begrudging smile but it instilled fair play while they were young, something indulgent children never knew.
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Your mother-in-law sounded like quite a character, (her saying really made me laugh!), and in big families I'd guess egos sometimes did get punctured for the good of all. :)
 
Growing up in a large family, the environment I grew up in was not focused on the individual, but what was best for everyone. I saw some (most were fine) folks have a lot of trouble adjusting in the Army, and I see it in our condo association. As president of our association of 72 units for many years and having been on the board even longer, I saw again and again two issues that cause the most problems:

1. People not looking at what is good for everyone, rather than just focusing their own wants
2. People not considering how their actions and choices affect those around them

It seems so simple to me to just naturally attend to these two things, but there are always those who can't or won't. Most of the people in our association fall somewhere between these extremes and don't seem to cause any trouble, but there ALWAYS seem to be two or three units whose inhabitants simply can't grasp these two simple tenets. I find it interesting that in all the years I have lived here (since 1988), no matter how many people come and go, this number of two or three problematic units never seems to change even though the faces do. Also, age doesn't seem to be the factor, though we might look at younger generations as being somehow flawed. I don't buy it. I am often embarrassed for those in my generation and how inflexible they can be. Many of the younger people in our condo association seem more open and flexible than those of my generation. So I don't see any particular age group as having a corner on these issues.

Why is it so important to have our own way all the time? Why can't we compromise on the insignificant things, which is most of what we deal with day to day? Sure, there are some things that are very important to us, but the majority of the issues are really rather dumb and a bit of compromise would save a whole lot of trouble.

Tony
 
Some research or links on the thread topic:

https://kvanb.com/do-you-just-tolerate-other-people-or-do-you-impose-your-own-will-on-them/

Do You Know Someone Who Always Needs to Get their Own Way?

Confidence is healthy. But confidence does not mean a person has all the answers, they are not always right. It is important to remember that self-confidence is about trusting in oneā€™s abilities and judgment. It is not about comparing yourself to others. When an individual has healthy self-confidence, they will still be attuned to the needs of others.
If a person things highly of themselves but doesnā€™t respect the opinions of others, it can be damaging to relationships. Thinking only of yourself can result in broken friendships and isolation. If you are coping with feelings of loneliness, set up a telephone coaching session and review whatā€™s going on in your life.

Do You Have to Get Your Own Way?

If you always have to get your own way, you are not valuing otherā€™s opinions. Then, when a person doesnā€™t agree with you, you ignore them and continue to do what you wanted to do in the first place. A desire to have your own way and being or acting intolerant of other peopleā€™s view creates relationship issues. It is essentially suggesting to the other person that your ideas are the only right ones.
Even if you donā€™t struggle with this way of thinking, there is likely someone close to you who exhibits this type of behavior. If so, how do you react? Do you go along with it and agree with whatever that person suggests in an effort to avoid arguments?
Sometimes this type of behavior, when used too frequently, can lead to not having many friends. In other instances, there are friends being manipulated, giving up their own opinions to remain in the association. Hurt feelings are a common result.

Another link saying similar things:

https://gailbrenner.com/2009/09/wanting-your-own-way/
 
Back when I and my two preschool children lived in my parents little apartment in their basement built by them for us, upstairs my step-father and I argued over some dumb issue. I chose then to take my son by his arm and we headed for the basement. Stepfather grabbed my son's other arm and pulled him back. I let go my son's arm to stop my stepfather from pulling on the one he held to prevent possible injury because of his hot, stubborn temper. I acted & spoke calmly to him to help my son not be afraid. I don't remember what I said, but he let go my son's arm & we I hurried down to the basement.
SHORTLY, SURPRISE!:
My stepfather came charging down to my "apartment" & demanded that I open the door! I, annoyed, thought, oh great he's still having a fit. I said lets talk later after we've both calmed down. "No! Open the damn door or I'll kick it in!" Thoroughly disgusted, I said go ahead, it's your door. And he kicked the door in. When he charged in hotly griping, I glanced at my son. He looked half afraid and was watching my reaction. I sat down on the edge of my bed, looked up at my stepfather as he continued griping. I finally got him cooled off and he left. And my son was fine/relaxed. The next day as my stepfather repaired the door I said nothing, just smiled/smirked?
 
Rosemarie said:
A lot depends on your upbringing. A child which is used to getting what it wants will expect life to continue in the same vein. A rude awakening is usually on the cards!
Incidentally, wouldn't you think that indulged children would be the happiest in the world? Yet they seldom are. Proof I think that getting what you want all the time perhaps makes you feel dissatisfied?
Click to expand...
Do you think the satisfaction you seem to gain when getting your own way occasionally does as my late father used to say, increase your life span by a day? :)
 
Tommy said:
Sadly, more and more seem to have adopted the attitude of "I want what I WANT and I want it NOW!". This became particularly clear to me over the past year as I observed the responses of people here to the pandemic.

Rosemarie is quite right. Since the end of WWII young people in the west have been increasingly coddled and indulged. I believe we're now paying the price for that.
Click to expand...
Remember young adults chanting in the 60s "We want the world and we want it NOW!"? Precedent set.
 
grahamg said:
Do you think the satisfaction you seem to gain when getting your own way occasionally does as my late father used to say, increase your life span by a day? :)
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I know this is @ Rosemarie but.. If I were to characterize one who always wants their way as selfish, do you think that person feels any sort of remorse when they get it? The saying "get your way, get 1 day" is just a saying, but do you think selfish people live longer, happier lives being all satisfied and guilt free?
 
Murrmurr said:
I know this is @ Rosemarie but.. If I were to characterize one who always wants their way as selfish, do you think that person feels any sort of remorse when they get it? The saying "get your way, get 1 day" is just a saying, but do you think selfish people live longer, happier lives being all satisfied and guilt free?
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There are other views on that one I believe. Someone I know was told by a ranking police officer they would one day come to regret not complying with a very reasonable suggestion he was making, rather than selfishly refusing, so he did believe guilt can catch up with some of the most selfish, though I agree, not for a long time perhaps(?). :) :(
 
grahamg said:
Do you think the satisfaction you seem to gain when getting your own way occasionally does as my late father used to say, increase your life span by a day? :)
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Many people would get satisfaction from persuading or manipulating others into giving in to their demands. Children quickly learn how to work round their parents, and it can be very charming....not so in an adult.
It may increase your life expectancy. Perhaps we need to do a survey of centenarians and ask them!
 
Rosemarie said:
Many people would get satisfaction from persuading or manipulating others into giving in to their demands. Children quickly learn how to work round their parents, and it can be very charming....not so in an adult.
It may increase your life expectancy. Perhaps we need to do a survey of centenarians and ask them!
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2/3 the way there not do?
I suppose the snag in your plan is how to assess your control group of those not getting their own way so often, as they'll be gone before you can confirm which side they were on in the ying and yang of any couples etc.(?). :)
 
jujube said:
As I always tell the Spousal Equivalent, "Let's compromise....and do it my way." Unfortunately, it doesn't work all that often.
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Love the term "Spousal Equivalent", (new to me I must say!) :)

My godfather called his wife, "The Housekeeper", (as she had been once, but they were a great match, and loved one another!)
 
I hope no one minds, but I intend to mention "a few facts", or my recollections I hope you will accept as facts, for this discussion anyway, (I say that for those of you who always think, "there are two sides to every story, and we've not heard the other side", which will automatically frustrate the discussion because my ex., and daughter "are not available"!).

On the day my regular contact with my daughter ended, when she was aged twelve, the following happened:

1). As I drove away from her mothers house my daughter told me her mother and stepfather did not want me to see her, (they had just returned from a week long trip to Eurodisney, so had time to " work on" my daughter). I stopped the car a couple of miles away, and tried to find out what was going on, but all I could discover from my child was this contorted logic, "her mother, and self styled real daddy, on!y wanted what she wanted"!
If that were the case there would be no need for my daughter to emphasise their views on my contact with her, she would simply say, "I don't want to see you" and leave it at that, or put forward her reasons if she chose, like I was so "boring, and never took her anywhere enjoyable", (as was said to court welfare officers months later).

2). I was told to bring my daughter home an hour or two early on this last contact day, so when I took my daughter to visit an aunt and uncle some miles away, and my uncle showed my daughter some party magic tricks, I had to decline when they asked us to join them going out for lunch with their family. My daughter and I then went to MacDonalds for our lunch, (probably the first time I'd taken her there, but it was closer to her mothers home, so we didn't have to travel too far to get her back at the appointed time). My daughters behaviour towards me as we ate, was that she was sort of acting, or had other things on her mind.

3). As I drove up the road to her mothers house, her mother was standing on the pavement outside her house, (you may recall I told you in ear!ier posts my daughter used to emerge from behind the front door, and when she went home would disappear behind it, (so it was very unusual that my ex should be standing outside her property).

4). Fifty yards or so from her home, when she'd seen her mother, my child said the words "Don't come again daddy"! I slowed the car and said, "Don't be silly", and then I left her with her mother. When I returned to my home in the south of England a few hours later, I found I had an answerphone message, just my daughter speaking, saying simply this, "Don't come again daddy, I won't come with you if you come to pick me up"!

5). I tried to ring my daughters home, but the reason I had to take her home ear!y I was told was because they were going out, so no one answered.
I then put the matter in my lawyers hands, (we'd had various court battles trying to get my ex to agree to my daughter coming on a short holiday with me some years before, when ironically we had the chance to do many more interesting things, (but if you believe the rationalisation given afterwards that it was the quality of the contact that leading to it stopping, I'm afraid I've lost you, and can't think how you will ever come to understand or accept matters were as I've stated).
 

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