How long does one grieve after the death of a spouse?

A dear dear lady friend of mine passed in 2012 at age 58. Her and her husband were married 35 yrs. High school sweethearts. Never dated anyone else.
He married a year later! It was someone they both knew. He was even looking on dating sites after 6mos.

I asked one of our gfriends why did he marry so fast?, and she replied because he didn't want to be lonely.

So, may be that's part of it. I still shake my head about it though.
 
chic said:
There are moments when I still grieve but basically I feel I wouldn't be honoring him by doing so. I do think men get over the death of a spouse more quickly than women do. It may seem appalling to us, but it's the way the majority of men feel.
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Perhaps ‘some’ men do but there are men who love deeply and are as loyal as a companion dog and that’s the highest compliment I can make.
I think most men don’t express their emotions the same as women. They are much more discreet concerning their emotions since they have been conditioned their entire lives to be.
Not debating the topic. It’s just a personal opinion.
 
Keesha said:
Perhaps ‘some’ men do but there are men who love deeply and are as loyal as a companion dog and that’s the highest compliment I can make.
I think most men don’t express their emotions the same as women. They are much more discreet concerning their emotions since they have been conditioned their entire lives to be.
Not debating the topic. It’s just a personal opinion.
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Thank you for some understanding.
 
Nathan said:
So hard to say. I've been divorced 3 times, some have said that divorce has a similar impact emotionally on a person as the loss of a loved one. I never disliked or hated my ex-wifes, I'd have to say we just weren't on the same page.
My current wife is very sweet, we are close emotionally. I would have to have a couple years to myself, if I lost her.
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I agree with that statement 100%. That's how it felt for me. And she became addicted to alcohol several months before, so after doing everything I knew of to help her, the divorce it was like losing my wife after a long, devastating illness.
 
Keesha said:
This is beyond bizarre. I hope you aren’t offended. You, yourself even stated that you don’t understand why. It’s one thing I’ve never quite understood about religion ; having depression is frowned upon and considered a mortal sin.

In my world, being depressed is all part of being human and to deny any part of us is self rejection. I say embrace it all.

I’m sorry to all those who have lost their life partner. 😕
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I think it has to do with not causing the departed to want to stay on this plain rather than move to the next because of our grief. It was explained to me once (and at that time I was told it was a 3 month grieving period) but I don't remember the explanation. I am not personally offended but each religion does have it's set of rules and guidelines that need to be respected. There are some guidelines that absolutely work for me and others that do not. Some are even good things because if everyone followed them in this day and age, there would be no venereal diseases, no cheating amongst spouses, more cohesive family units and possibly a much lower divorce rate to cite a few.
 
May 23 2020 a month after our anniversary my dear Angela lost to cancer..Still coping it doesn't seem to get easier. My kids and grandkids all think I am so strong but the reality is that I am only learning to live with the pain and it will last my whole life .. I do not see myself getting over 40 years of love,..Now I must suffer old age alone part of me hopes to find love again but part of me only will love my Angela..
 
I lost my husband in Nam when our son was an infant. I, of course went through a variety of emotions and grief was deep. But, I had a baby to care for, so I did not wallow in it until I was alone. Actual grief turns to mourning the loss of your spouse and an empty spot in your hear remains forever, but eventually, you move on. I think of him everyday, yet in pleasant and loving ways. There is no set formula for dealing with this. My son lost his wife to cancer 2 years ago and he's getting better, but still has some tough moments of coping. She was only 49. While I never remarried, he may find someone some day. He's 55 and looks at least 10-12 years younger. I told him it's because he never had children.
 
jamesrush308 said:
May 23 2020 a month after our anniversary my dear Angela lost to cancer..Still coping it doesn't seem to get easier. My kids and grandkids all think I am so strong but the reality is that I am only learning to live with the pain and it will last my whole life .. I do not see myself getting over 40 years of love,..Now I must suffer old age alone part of me hopes to find love again but part of me only will love my Angela..
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I don’t know how I will be, andI oh so don’t want to know. After 53 years of marriage, he is my life. The only condolence I have is, at our ages, it hopefully won’t be long until we can be together again. If I go first, I hope that he would find someone for companionship. Just someone to talk to or be friend with. I don’t want him being alone for the time he has left.

There have been two times in my life that my heart hurt so bad it actually ached with pain. The first time is when he was in the navy and deployed leaving me alone with three small children, far away from any family and friends.
The second time is when we had to move a couple of states away from our grandson Sean. I was a mess and my heart actually ached.

so what what I be like if I lost my husband? My world? I don’t know. I try not to dwell on it and be happy and grateful for every day God gives us together.
 
Sliverfox said:
My mother died at age 58.
My father remarried 2 years later.

From what others have told me ,, Dad started looking about 1 & 1/2 year after my mother died.

I think it really depends on the person & their married relationship.
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Several others have also expressed this same sentiment, and I have to disagree. I've been twice widowed, the first time in similar circumstances as your father, and I remarried after approx a year. The grieving/mourning period has nothing to do with the quality or depth of the "married relationship". Please don't judge the marriage and love and commitment of others because they grieve differently than you think they should.
 
Sometimes the length of grieving a death depends on Life.

For me, I had 4 children under the age of 8 when my husband died suddenly. We had the best traditional marriage ever, I the mom and he the provider and strength. Tons of love, laughter, and respect. I grieved deeply but had to stay focused. It was too scary for the children to see me cry. They needed someone strong. I wasn't fake, they saw me sad, but I had to have balance. They deserved happiness and leadership. I never remarried.

Then, after 2 years, I made a firm decision to completely move forward with our lives for the sake of the children. I had to smarten up fast, muster strength and courage, and put them first in all things because I had to be mother and father to 4. I sold the house, sold the business, sold some real estate we had, and moved us from California to NC for a whole network of reasons and hard choices that I didn't take lightly.

Staying super busy and having purpose helped a lot.
 
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jamesrush308 said:
May 23 2020 a month after our anniversary my dear Angela lost to cancer..Still coping it doesn't seem to get easier. My kids and grandkids all think I am so strong but the reality is that I am only learning to live with the pain and it will last my whole life .. I do not see myself getting over 40 years of love,..Now I must suffer old age alone part of me hopes to find love again but part of me only will love my Angela..
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James, so very sorry for your loss. I hope you do find a friend and companionship some day. That, I think, would be a testament to your Angela. Will we ever find true love again? Maybe, maybe not, but you deserve to be happier, andI’m pretty sure Angela would want this for you too. Of course you will always love her...how could you not? But when the time is right, FOR YOU, I hope you find someone...not to relace Angela, but to add to the happiness the two of you once shared 💕
 
Sassycakes said:
My sister lost her husband almost 20yrs ago and she has never had the desire to be with anyone else. We still often cry on the phone whenever we talk about him. My prayer is that I die before my Husband. I don't want to spend one day on earth without him.
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Never gamble on who is going to die first. My brother talks about a guy that drank whiskey almost everyday & lived to a ripe old age while another guy he knows who never drank any alcohol died in his 50s. Go figure. Fact is that in every relationship one is going to die 1st & one will be left alone. Only in very rare cases are both killed on the highway or that plane that falls into the ocean. Age is not a big factor. Just because one spouse is 8 years older does not guarantee that he/she will die 1st. It really is a gamble. Another fact: Sometimes, very healthy people die over night while others that have been crying & complaining about their poor health seem to live on and on and on.
 
Don M. said:
I've had several friends, or their spouses, pass on in the past few years. The "grief" involved seems to fall generally into two categories. One...when the death is sudden and unexpected, the grief can be quite severe. Two...when the death occurs after an extended period of illness, the grief almost becomes a sense of relief.
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Very much agree with that Don
 

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