Pecos
Well-known Member
- Location
- Washington State
I will confess to being an Engineer, ... and yes we are a bit like this.
Understanding Engineers
- Thread starter Pecos
- Start date
Understanding Engineers 1
Two engineering students were riding bicycles across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get the great bike?
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers 2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers 3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'll contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers 4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers 5
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?
Understanding Engineers 6
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it isn't sufficiently complex yet.
Understanding Engineers 7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog - now that's cool."
And Finally
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a spanner from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "6.5 metres," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and have been elected to Congress.
* Pecos. I hope you're not cross with me, but I cleaned the red lines up and increased the format size to allow for easier reading.
Two engineering students were riding bicycles across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get the great bike?
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers 2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers 3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'll contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers 4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers 5
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?
Understanding Engineers 6
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it isn't sufficiently complex yet.
Understanding Engineers 7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog - now that's cool."
And Finally
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a spanner from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "6.5 metres," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and have been elected to Congress.
* Pecos. I hope you're not cross with me, but I cleaned the red lines up and increased the format size to allow for easier reading.
Pecos
Well-known Member
- Location
- Washington State
Thanks, Aunt Marg
You are a great "Wingman."
You are a great "Wingman."
tbeltrans
Senior Member
Sliverfox
Well-known Member
Number 7 is my son to a T.
officerripley
Well-known Member
- Location
- Porlock, Calif
Thanks, these are so funny. I had heard all of these back in the day except "And Finally", a good one also. Nowadays I've heard some of these related as "Understanding Techies" and Number 3 (the golfers), I've heard several versions with an atty, a hedge fund manager, a CEO, or whoever somebody's mad at as the "why can't they play at night" guy. The classics are always great! 
Gaer
"Angel whisperer"
- Location
- New Mexico U.S.A.
hahahaha! Pecos,These are great! As anartist, number 5 had me laughing SO HARD!!!!!
Geezerette
Senior Member
Loved that! I was raised by a civil engineer. Some of it rubbed off!
Old Dummy
Who am I? Why am I here?
- Location
- In the backwoods of NYS
An engineering mind in short: Define the task. Then design the item that will accomplish the task with the minimum amount of gears, levers, pulleys, switches, or other components possible.
Accomplishing the task in the simplest way should always be the goal.
Accomplishing the task in the simplest way should always be the goal.
peramangkelder
Well-known Member
- Location
- Fleurieu Peninsula South Australia
Yup Engineers....I am married to a Mechanical Engineer....enough said
Geezerette
Senior Member
One of the greatest compliments my father could give a person was to say they were “a good mechanic”.
horseless carriage
Well-known Member
Three engineers and three mathematicians are on a train going to a conference. The mathematicians each bought a ticket. The engineers have one between them. As the conductor starts walking through the train car, the engineers all rush off and jump into the small lavatory.
The conductor knocks on the door of the lavatory and says "Ticket, please."
At which point the engineers slide the one ticket through a ventilation slot and the conductor punches it. The mathematicians think this looks like a good trick and decide to try it on the train ride back home.
As the mathematicians board the train they have one ticket between them. The engineers have no ticket!
After a while, one of the engineers says, "Here comes the conductor!" So all three mathematicians jump up and run into the lavatory with their one ticket.
One of the engineers goes to the lavatory door and says "Ticket, please."
The conductor knocks on the door of the lavatory and says "Ticket, please."
At which point the engineers slide the one ticket through a ventilation slot and the conductor punches it. The mathematicians think this looks like a good trick and decide to try it on the train ride back home.
As the mathematicians board the train they have one ticket between them. The engineers have no ticket!
After a while, one of the engineers says, "Here comes the conductor!" So all three mathematicians jump up and run into the lavatory with their one ticket.
One of the engineers goes to the lavatory door and says "Ticket, please."
Remember this one from several years ago.
Mike.
A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes
without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers
and distributors.
Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the
company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering
company to solve their empty boxes problem.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated,
RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic
solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.
They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell
and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should.
The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box and then
press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring
process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.
With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent.
He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes
picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next
three weeks were zero!
The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers
check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.
Puzzled, the CEO travelled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the
precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new$8 million dollar solution
sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line
supervisor what that was about.
"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he
was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang."
Mike.
A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes
without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers
and distributors.
Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the
company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering
company to solve their empty boxes problem.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated,
RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic
solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.
They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell
and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should.
The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box and then
press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring
process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.
With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent.
He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes
picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next
three weeks were zero!
The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers
check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.
Puzzled, the CEO travelled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the
precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new$8 million dollar solution
sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line
supervisor what that was about.
"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he
was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang."
tbeltrans
Senior Member
That has a similar ring as the often told story about the truck that got stuck under a bridge. All these people were trying to figure how to get the truck out when a little kid comes along and suggests letting some air out of the tires to lower the height of the truck so it can pass under the bridge.
Tony