What to do about driving.

Papawayne

Papawayne

New Member
I have been placed in a bad spot. My wife and daughter have just informed me that my mother has told them that my stepdad. we call him PawPaw, has been making some dangerous mistakes in his driving and my mother is very concerned. They have completed a form, issued by the DMV which, when processed and mailed to PawPaw, will require him to take an extensive driving evaluation. They want me to give the completed form to my mother for her to mail in. I am of the opinion that I should first consult with PawPaw instead of doing this behind his back but they believe he will refuse. What say you? Thanks for your help.
 

You are right. Going behind his back would be crass and uncaring. First, #1 is to talk to him, go over the mistakes and show that you care for him. Point out that he cares for himself, his wife and his family and shouldn't want anything to happen. If he shouldn't be driving, then tell him that he shouldn't be driving, and don't take no for an answer.

If he refuses to stop and/or take remedial measures, then tell him about the form, not in the form of a threat but rather that you don't want to use it but everyone's protection should be the top priority. Try to get his agreement on what ever happens, and try as much as possible to get him to make the right choice about doing what is best. Talking with him should be done in person, if possible. If you and family did anything behind his back, it would not have a good outcome. If the only option is to fill out the form, then fill out the form, but make sure he knows and has a choice in the matter.

My spouse/partner liked to go out to dinner with her friend once a week, and one evening when she was leaving I heard a big BOOM in the driveway. I went out and instead of curving the car down the driveway, she had backed straight across it into the big garbage bin next door, the only thing that stopped her from backing through a wall. I said, "no driving tonight!," drove the car back into the garage and we had a talk about it. She agreed to not drive unless and until her condition improved, which it did in a month or two and she could start driving again. However, it wasn't long after that where she didn't drive at all anymore. I did all the shopping anyway, so it wasn't a problem, and she was healthier with no longer eating in restaurants.
 
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John cycling said:
You are right. Going behind his back would be crass and uncaring. First, #1 is to talk to him, go over the mistakes and show that you care for him. Point out that he cares for himself, his wife and his family and shouldn't want anything to happen. If he shouldn't be driving, then tell him that he shouldn't be driving, and don't take no for an answer.

If he refuses to stop and/or take remedial measures, then tell him about the form, not in the form of a thread but rather that you don't want to use it but everyone's protection should be the top priority. Try to get his agreement on what ever happens, and try as much as possible to get him to make the right choice about doing what is best. Talking with him should be done in person, if possible. If you and family did anything behind his back, it would not have a good outcome. If the only option is to fill out the form, then fill out the form, but make sure he knows and has a choice in the matter.
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Yes, this is what I want to do. Thank you.
 
Everybody knows what happens when you turn 16-you get a driver's license. It's a rite of passage. It represent being an adult, and the freedom of the road. And getting that license ripped from your hands represent, being a non-adult. Plus, not being able to drive puts you at the mercy of others. It sucks, and it also expensive. (I know). So, if you are planning to do that to PawPaw, you might have the decency to tell him about it. You might stress that, of course, with his driving skills, he will surely pass. Then let the DMV do it's thing-they know they aren't loved.
 
In every case I know of (and there have been a lot), no matter how reasonably, carefully, respectfully an elderly male was approached about his driving, his reaction was bloodcurdling, all-out war, refusal to even consider stopping driving. Every elderly female I've known of, was reasonable about it (in fact, in a lot of cases, she'd be the one to decide on her own that she should stop driving). But the males? As a person (who'd been thru it with 3 diff. elderly males) on another website put it when asked by another member who was planning to approach her elderly father about him no longer driving and was wondering if it'd be that bad: "You're going to think you have died and gone to Hell. You will be called every name in the book and will never be forgiven for ever even suggesting he quit driving. And he will never ever apologize for what he says to you." And that's been my experience too.
 
When my father was having difficulty behind the wheel he was fully aware of it and decided to call it quits on his own. If it was discussed beforehand with my mother, I don't know. Just have the discussion with him. It's all in how you say it.
 
Papawayne said:
I have been placed in a bad spot. My wife and daughter have just informed me that my mother has told them that my stepdad. we call him PawPaw, has been making some dangerous mistakes in his driving and my mother is very concerned. They have completed a form, issued by the DMV which, when processed and mailed to PawPaw, will require him to take an extensive driving evaluation. They want me to give the completed form to my mother for her to mail in. I am of the opinion that I should first consult with PawPaw instead of doing this behind his back but they believe he will refuse. What say you? Thanks for your help.
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I am not in your shoes but I NEVER get involved in doing things behind someone else's back. Generally speaking you just end up with everybody hating you and the person behind whose back you have gone never trusting you again for anything.

Certainly it would be better for the family to talk with him about this; perhaps he could enroll in one of those safe driving or defensive driving for seniors courses.
 
Marie5656 said:
Does he have internet access? He can be signed up for a defensive driving course. I am not sure if such a thing is available from DMV, but maybe another driving test? Maybe one specific to Seniors? If one was available, I would be up for it
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I took a driving course for seniors through AARP, I think it was. Tried to get my huzz to go but he refused. There were a couple of husbands there who had obviously been dragged there kicking and screaming; they were frequently muttering stuff arguing with what the instructor was saying ("That's the dumbest thing I ever heard", "I don't believe that", etc.). The class was useful for sure: I learned about a couple of things that I didn't know. Unfortunately one of those things was that, since the peripheral vision of the human eye starts going downhill at the age of 50, no one 50+ should ever attempt to make a non-signalized left-turn; you should make 3 right-hand turns instead. (Toyota Motors had a big study done and 95+% of the veh. accidents where at least 1 of the drivers was 50+, the 50+-year-old caused the accident by trying to make a non-signalized left turn.) So that was depressing. And of course, when I told Huzz about that, I got "I don't believe that; that's the stupidest thing I ever heard." Sigh.
 
I remember the day I sat down with my step father and talked to him. He agreed with me and surrendered his car keys without any drama. My wife’s grandfather did the same and volunteered to stop driving the day he turned 60.
I have set my own deadline as sometime before I turn 85.
Do not be surprised if he agrees with you.
 
Gaer said:
Really? OK. Wow. I thought they would know if they are not functioning properly.
OK. I'll bend to your wisdom in this.
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Not *my* wisdom; the Dunning-Kruger effect is named after Cornell Univ. psychologists David Dunning and Justin Kruger, who tested participants on their logic, grammar, and sense of humor, and found that those who performed in the bottom quartile rated their skills far above average. (The paper they published on it came out in 1999.) If interested, an article on it: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/dunning-kruger-effect. There are different schools of thought, of course, on how prevalent it really is. But I for one have really noticed it, espec. with male (oh, okay, some females too but nowhere near as many as males) drivers. IMO, some of that has to do with the fact that, in some places of the world anyway, being able to drive and drive well (and fast, sigh) is considered "manly."
 
officerripley said:
Not *my* wisdom; the Dunning-Kruger effect is named after Cornell Univ. psychologists David Dunning and Justin Kruger, who tested participants on their logic, grammar, and sense of humor, and found that those who performed in the bottom quartile rated their skills far above average. (The paper they published on it came out in 1999.) If interested, an article on it: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/dunning-kruger-effect. There are different schools of thought, of course, on how prevalent it really is. But I for one have really noticed it, espec. with male (oh, okay, some females too but nowhere near as many as males) drivers. IMO, some of that has to do with the fact that, in some places of the world anyway, being able to drive and drive well (and fast, sigh) is considered "manly."
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I think that driving has to do with ones sense of independence and many are loathe to give that up. It is very difficult for those who have been independent all of their adult lives to confront the fact that they are losing that independence gradually or perhaps in one fell swoop. Have you not resented not being able to do what you used to do as you age? Giving up being able to drive, to go where you want when you want without consulting anyone, is a huge blow. As a health care professional having these conversations with patients is heartbreaking.
 

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