The "needing help" BUT "unable or unwilling to accept help" conundrum,.....!

grahamg

grahamg

Old codger
Location
South of Manchester, UK
How often do we all hear the refrain, "So and so needs help, but they need to ask for it first"?

I know there is much truth in the statement, BUT, it isn't the whole story is it(?).

For example how many of us can say "we've never received unexpected help in our lives", (and we've been very glad of it and grateful to have received such help)?

Then there is the issue of why it is so very difficult for so many people to accept assistance, when they very much need it, (we're all guilty of this sometimes perhaps, certainly I've very much been in that situation).

What to do then, for those who probably need a miracle to save them, and I would consider it a near miracle if they were ever able to accept the help they most desperately need, before their lives are completely thrown away, (the person I'm thinking of could not be much worse, and in all likelihood is near the end of his life)?

Help, and those willing and capable of giving what is required, cannot always force the assistance needed on whoever it might be, and in truth, especially as so often whatever help is offered isn't appreciated by those you're trying to assist, you maybe dont offer as much support as you would otherwise do, (though I may be coming up with an excuse myself there).

There we go, I do believe we're dealing with a conundrum, and yet I dont see so many people repeating the mantra, "so and so needs to ask for help before they can be helped", moves anyone further forward. Maybe saying it or thinking it, means those unable to accept help have that negative behaviour reinforced even, because they maybe already know they're causing their own demise, and whatever it is inside us/them that makes it hard to accept help, such as admitting to ourselves we're weak for example, is something we wish to hide too.

Here is an article related to the thread topic you might find useful:

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/trouble-accepting-help_b_951545
 

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Reasons why people refuse help:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/...ffed-4-reasons-someone-might-reject-your-help

Quote:
Might they be too proud to accept your offer? As a matter of personal pride, they might feel that to take what you’re offering them would be to admit inferiority, inadequacy, dependency, or defeat. And such a reaction could be the case whether you’re proposing a financial gift or loan, or concrete assistance with something they’re struggling with. Any money offered them, even if only temporarily, could make them feel patronized—or as though they were some sort of “charity case,” pitiful enough to be offered a hand-out. Additionally, accepting non-monetary help on a task or project might be experienced by them as conceding an inability to successfully complete the work on their own.

"Might they feel too undeserving to accept your offer?"

"Might they connect acceptance with incurring a burdensome sense of obligation?"

"Might they associate taking from others as rendering themselves more vulnerable to them?"
This explanation is an overarching one. And in a sense, the first three explanations could all be viewed, indirectly, as necessitating a greater willingness to experience personal vulnerability. But here I’m focusing specifically on the individual’s fear of accepting something because of abiding trust issues. They may fear that taking—as opposed to giving—will place them one down in the relationship and that such subordinate “positioning” will lessen their ability, going forward, to protect themselves.

If in the past such “taking” was, unexpectedly, used against them, then why in the world would they open themselves up to the possibility of re-experiencing such betrayal? Victimized precisely because in the past someone convinced them that it was okay to accept some sort of unearned “perk,” they learned—or more likely, overlearned—the sad lesson of distrust. If the gift received was in reality an instrument of manipulation later used to exploit them, then now anything like a gratuitous offer can rouse their suspicions, strongly prompting a knee-jerk refusal."
 
The conundrum is in "unable or unwilling". Separate the two and the conundrum goes away.
 

grahamg said:
How often do we all hear the refrain, "So and so needs help, but they need to ask for it first"?
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Unfortunately, our family has experienced just such a situation. My Sister and Brother-in-law began to decline about 5 years ago. It was pretty obvious to everyone that they needed help, but they vehemently refused. In their minds...especially the BIL, they were just fine, and everyone else were the one's having problems. The BIL's nearby Sister bore the brunt of their Ire, as she and the cousins tried to help them.

The end result....they let things go so long, without seeking help, that they pretty much fell apart, about a year ago, and were diagnosed with rather severe dementia, and deemed no longer able to live independently.

They have no children, and are fairly well off, financially. So now, they are housed in a fairly nice, and expensive care facility, and will probably be there until their end.

I call them about once a month, and they still think everything is "hunky dory", and are looking forward to taking some more trips and cruises, etc. They have lost All grasp of reality.....lucky if they even remember who I am.
 
Knight said:
The conundrum is in "unable or unwilling". Separate the two and the conundrum goes away.
Click to expand...
Is it always possible to know whether someone is simply "unwilling" to accept help, or unwell enough mentally, or not have the mental capacity to accept help, (for all the reasons given in the second post above)?
Plus, you're really splitting hairs, or arguing about semantics, and I admit my reluctance to offer help to my friend as much as I perhaps should, I excuse because he probably won't appreciate it.

The need for someone who cannot stand unaided to receive help is blatantly obvious, but his "strong will", (often a character trait we all admire), means he's one of the hardest men in the world to help. Even so, health professionals in this country, who could fairly turn their backs as we might do, are continuing to offer help to a man who has rudely rejected so much help, or failed to appreciate his good fortune to a shameful degree.

One last thought for those who comfort themselves by asserting everyone needs to seek help before being given it, can we be sure the right assistance is always there, once those desperately needing it do ask? It does smack of blaming those in trouble for the mess they're in, when this isn't the whole story, and the thought "there but by the grace of god" should cross our minds, before we condemn them.
 
More expert advice taken from a well known site:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-mastery/201904/what-makes-it-so-hard-ask-help

"What Makes It So Hard to Ask for Help?"

"Asking for help is an essential aspect of emotional strength.​

(Break)
Emotional Strength Defined: Being Resourceful

Being resourceful is a defining element of emotional strength. It involves embracing the dependent side of your nature; it takes feeling vulnerable, courageous, and comfortable enough within yourself to recognize when you need help. When you are able to do that, you are more apt to openly and genuinely acknowledge your specific needs and limitations. This acknowledgment enables you to take the next, most essential move—that of asking for help. Asking for help is part of what it takes to be emotionally strong. Asking opens the door to the last step: to receive graciously.

It is appropriate to absorb what is good and to feel grateful for the appreciation and support of others. When others extend their assistance, wisdom availability, time, talents, or enthusiasm to you, unquestionably, they are giving of themselves. Gracious receipt of their generosity not only meets whatever needs you may have, it also honours them. When you allow yourself to receive, you have reached that harmonious balance between independence and dependence.

Relying on others, experiencing needs and limitations, and asking for help are all part of being emotionally strong and of the human experience at large.

Asking for help is not a burden nor a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of humanness."

Here are some more comments by the same expert:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/.../how-do-you-develop-emotionally-strong-person
 
Quote
"Is it always possible to know whether someone is simply "unwilling" to accept help, or unwell enough mentally, or not have the mental capacity to accept help, (for all the reasons given in the second post above)?"

Based solely on your input of mental capacity. Since there are different levels of mental capacity the answer is. No.

Quote
"Plus, you're really splitting hairs, or arguing about semantics, and I admit my reluctance to offer help to my friend as much as I perhaps should, I excuse because he probably won't appreciate it."

That brings it down to a personal level rather than a random acquaintance. You obviously know the person's mental capacity well enough to say he probably won't appreciate it. Are you denying to offer help you recognize your friend needs because your help depends on his appreciation?
 
Knight said:
(Break)
That brings it down to a personal level rather than a random acquaintance. You obviously know the person's mental capacity well enough to say he probably won't appreciate it. Are you denying to offer help you recognize your friend needs because your help depends on his appreciation?
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Maybe I'm just idle, maybe I don't care enough, but in my defence this man, for all his positive qualities, and the enormous assistance he's been to me in the last five or so years, I've given up hoping he'll ever behave sensibly. He cant see what is in his own true interests due to alcoholism, where the "only true friend" becomes the booze, or so it appears, very unfortunately. :(
 
grahamg said:
Maybe I'm just idle, maybe I don't care enough, but in my defence this man, for all his positive qualities, and the enormous assistance he's been to me in the last five or so years, I've given up hoping he'll ever behave sensibly. He cant see what is in his own true interests due to alcoholism, where the "only true friend" becomes the booze, or so it appears, very unfortunately. :(
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So were back to my post #3. You have separated unable & unwilling. He is able but unwilling due to his "only true friend" being booze.
 
Gaer said:
I am alone. Whenever i needed help in my life, I didn't ask for help.
You stand alone. You carry your own water. You don't ask for help.
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And by reading your various post you come across as a very capable woman. Doesn't seem like solving your needs has made a negative impact on you.
 
People's pride gets hurt when they need help. In the U.S., we pride ourselves on self-sufficiency, or at least the illusion of self-sufficiency. If people can find an excuse to receive help, then they're all for it, and they'll condemn others for accepting other forms of help.

During the Great Depression, a lot of people refused to accept welfare and didn't like Woody Guthrie's music because it made them feel like victims. And then there were people who feigned victimhood to justify atrocities they'd commit, like lynchings and antisemitism.

Then there's the category of people who won't help themselves but expect others to help them.

And finally, there are the people who act like they're trying to help, even though their help isn't needed or wanted, and then the "helpers" claim that they're "just trying to help." Actually, they're just being a**holes.
 
Anyone that wants to help me move - come right over!

I was hinting to my cousin about helping me move (the one that helped move the dressing mirror from the attic). He said I should probably hire professional movers.
 
I grew up in a world where nobody asked for help and most people offered to do what they could without being asked.

IMO many times the help that is being offered is really another person’s judgement of a person or their situation.

Keep an eye on the people that you care about. Give them a call to see if they need anything, take them out for coffee, etc... Over time most people will develop trust and open up to the people that they view as good friends and neighbors.
 
grahamg said:
Maybe I'm just idle, maybe I don't care enough, but in my defence this man, for all his positive qualities, and the enormous assistance he's been to me in the last five or so years, I've given up hoping he'll ever behave sensibly. He cant see what is in his own true interests due to alcoholism, where the "only true friend" becomes the booze, or so it appears, very unfortunately. :(
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"(Just thinkin' here') Maybe to get through the booze in him, tell him that he has been a good friend, and has helped you many times since you two became friends, so why not let you help him now? Tell him you have respect for him and if he would let you help him it would be his deserved payback from you. (BTW, what kind of help?)
 
Elsie said:
"(Just thinkin' here') Maybe to get through the booze in him, tell him that he has been a good friend, and has helped you many times since you two became friends, so why not let you help him now? Tell him you have respect for him and if he would let you help him it would be his deserved payback from you. (BTW, what kind of help?)
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We've been convinced for a few years now, the only form of help that could possibly save his life is professional help, (by "we" I mean the few people left in his life he hasn't totally alienated).
At the moment even the health professionals are probably beaten, but as stated earlier, they keep trying in this country, and we should all admire their efforts.
 
Irwin said:
People's pride gets hurt when they need help. In the U.S., we pride ourselves on self-sufficiency, or at least the illusion of self-sufficiency. If people can find an excuse to receive help, then they're all for it, and they'll condemn others for accepting other forms of help.
During the Great Depression, a lot of people refused to accept welfare and didn't like Woody Guthrie's music because it made them feel like victims. And then there were people who feigned victimhood to justify atrocities they'd commit, like lynchings and antisemitism.
Then there's the category of people who won't help themselves but expect others to help them.
And finally, there are the people who act like they're trying to help, even though their help isn't needed or wanted, and then the "helpers" claim that they're "just trying to help." Actually, they're just being a**holes.
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Thank you for your post and the broad view you've provided.
Coincidentally I've spotted a placard covering the main question raised in the OP on another forum, and I'll try to post it here. :)
 
Knight said:
So were back to my post #3. You have separated unable & unwilling. He is able but unwilling due to his "only true friend" being booze.
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Maybe you're right, though others have stated there is usually some deeper reasons why people go down this route, (self medication of depression perhaps?).
I do know as a very young man (/ young teenager), this mans mother felt he needed medical assistance of some kind, to deal with psychological issues.
 
grahamg said:
We've been convinced for a few years now, the only form of help that could possibly save his life is professional help, (by "we" I mean the few people left in his life he hasn't totally alienated).
At the moment even the health professionals are probably beaten, but as stated earlier, they keep trying in this country, and we should all admire their efforts.
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He sounds like a person ONLY God would be able to reach/change now, if God so chooses. Seems it's time for you to let go, without guilt in his not giving up on his ways of living. As we know, "We can't save everyone." It's heartbreaking to let go, and it's no fault of yours, or anyone elses if he loses his battle to overcome any of his demons. Peace.
 
Elsie said:
He sounds like a person ONLY God would be able to reach/change now, if God so chooses. Seems it's time for you to let go, without guilt in his not giving up on his ways of living. As we know, "We can't save everyone." It's heartbreaking to let go, and it's no fault of yours, or anyone elses if he loses his battle to overcome any of his demons. Peace.
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I pretty much gave up a few years ago, along with my admiration for those who didn't give up only shows up my puny efforts to help him more clearly, (mainly health professionals who have of course consistently done everything possible).
However, I don't have to let this man know what I'm thinking, and can do my best to make encouraging noises as to his getting better, and leading a happier, and healthier life one day.
 
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