Today I was reminiscing about a Christmas party from forty years ago.
It finally dawned on me that I'm the only one that is still alive.
I am the cheese.
Yeah, not many left to answer to....
Around 12 years ago, I wrote something to a forum guy that'd just turned 50
He was depressed....asking me what's next
Here and Now
So, here I am, on the wrong side of sixty, weird things growing, wiry hairs, warts, splotches, odd indefinable patches, moles the size of gophers, and thatās just on my hind end.
Iāve got good hearing, but only in one ear.
It's why we have two of most everything.
Vision is going south. Reading glasses are strategically laid throughout the house, cars, tackle boxes, and shop.
Itās not a serious issue just yet, but need to demonstrate more patience when trying to get the neighborās hibachi to fetch.
I make little noises when I commence to get outta my lay z boy.
I notice that those same noises will emanate from my wretched larynx when I commence to sit in said lazy boy.
Speaking of larynxes, I find that throat clearing takes several triesā¦like starting an olā model T.
I have partial recall, and even that is a struggle.
I can put on 157 lbs in 13 minutes, just from sniffing a bran muffin.
After sixty, while you slumber, a pubic hair can grow the length of 3 feetā¦on the pointy part of your ear lobe.
Things grow, and things that were already there will up and move
āDoc, take a look at whatever that is on my left knee.ā
āGary, thatās just your right testicle.ā
āBTW, whenās the last time I ran my finger up your pooper?ā
When in your 60s you must learn the difference between the words
colostomy and
colonoscopyā¦itās important when checking in.
Of a morning, youāll look in the bathroom mirror, and find a goblin looking back.
So just comb back your ear hair and greet the day.
Self-keeping becomes secondary.
āHoney, thereās a puffed wheat in your mustache.ā
āOhā¦..so?ā
āWe had puffed wheat two weeks ago.ā
āAnd your point, dear?ā
By sixty your underwear from high school has finally given up the ghost, so you retire the little strands of elastic,
but consider the frugal acquisition of 12 headbands.
You discover your new fresh (actually brilliant white) briefs are quite the contrast to the occasional poop stain
ā¦of which is no longer so occasionalā¦ā¦poop cake can become a concern.
Oh, and you discover you no longer have a hind end.
It has gingerly crept up and nestled onto your lower back, leaving you with just a six inch line and a tuft of hair.
The fire in your eyes is now just pain recognition.
Speaking of fire, get wunna those birthday candles that doesnāt blow out.
Itāll help you keep the fire.