Thinking of divorce but holding back?

SeaRaven

SeaRaven

New Member
Location
Seacoast of NH
I'm FINALLY separated after 40+ years. This should have happened years ago and not after retirement but I can't change that.
I'm truly happy now that he lives an hour away and I don't see him or deal with him. When we went to counseling, he refused to talk and just stared at the floor. I knew it was over.
How many of you are out there and you want OUT of a long- standing marriage? How many of you have had these thoughts for YEARS but have only confided in a few people or no one at all?
"Gray divorce" will only continue to climb; the last of the Boomers turn 65 in 2030. In other words, there are lots of us out there and this type of divorce will become normal.
( no offense to those of you with awesome marriages but please don't reply here, start your own thread of "Best.Marriage.Ever.")
 

SeaRaven said:
I'm FINALLY separated after 40+ years. This should have happened years ago and not after retirement but I can't change that.
I'm truly happy now that he lives an hour away and I don't see him or deal with him. When we went to counseling, he refused to talk and just stared at the floor. I knew it was over.
How many of you are out there and you want OUT of a long- standing marriage? How many of you have had these thoughts for YEARS but have only confided in a few people or no one at all?
"Gray divorce" will only continue to climb; the last of the Boomers turn 65 in 2030. In other words, there are lots of us out there and this type of divorce will become normal.
( no offense to those of you with awesome marriages but please don't reply here, start your own thread of "Best.Marriage.Ever.")
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I think there are many of us.
 
Wow! Stagnant/stale marriages! So many want to get out of a marriage that has ran it course. Someone once said that marriages should be like leasing a car. Maybe a 5 year contract to start (no more of the archaic "until death do us part"). As the initial period is concluding, the couple would sit down and decide if it's necessary to renew the contract.

Life is too short to hang around waiting and hoping.
 
Packerjohn said:
I had a wonderful marriage so as requested I wouldn't and actually can't comment here. Good luck to ya all!
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My marriage was best brought to an end, (even though I didn't think so at the time), but I still admire those whose marriages have lasted generally, and haven't thought how many of them are like the one described in the OP.

I have a funny thing to say though, and it is something my patents used to say, "Least said soonest mended", (I do think sometimes expecting to be able to talk out every problem is a mistake, and can become overbearing behaviour).
 
Bellbird said:
In the 1970’s when I wanted to get a divorce,Social Welfare was not available, there were no support groups, family support was not around,I certainly didn’t have the finances to support myself or my kids, so as was the saying at the time, make the best of what you have. .
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Which is exactly the problem my mother had in the 60's and 70's . She wanted desperately to leave my father,, but there was nowhere she could take children, and no social welfare to help, even if she could have found somewhere to rent with 4 kids... ... so she left a couple of times alone and found a little bedsit , and left us with him :eek:, but he always found her and brought her back...
 
As I have written before, there are some serious problems with aging for some people, For instance, if your mate was not a communicator to begin with it may only get worse with aging. Unfortunately, some if not all of those aging get brain deterioration and may have what are known as plaques. This can cause impairment in behavior and the thought process of the individual.

Of course, you cannot force someone to get help and some men and women have a very hard time verbalizing their feelings or medical needs.
If a spouse is feeling upset by coping with a loved one, perhaps it is time to get them the help they need.
After 40 or 50 years together, I hate to see people give up. And, if the other spouse has health issue themselves, it is even more difficult.

Some couples in this situation may be able to get visiting nurses or the like to come in and help if possible. I believe Medicare covers this option.
If a person believes there is no way to salvage the marriage then it may be impossible to continue under the circumstances.

These are just my opinions and suggestions. I hope it helps.
It seems like a very difficult position to be in. You have my sympathy and well wishes.
 
grahamg said:
I have a funny thing to say though, and it is something my patents used to say, "Least said soonest mended", (I do think sometimes expecting to be able to talk out every problem is a mistake, and can become overbearing behaviour).
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Your parents were onto something there. My wife and I were given similar advice: "No matter what the spat, always be friends by bedtime." It was sound advice, going to sleep in 'no talking,' mode can only allow the row to fester. We have lost so many good friends through divorce, but as SeaRaven asked for, best not to comment. Divorce is a bitter pill that we have never had to swallow.
 
IFortuna said:
If a spouse is feeling upset by coping with a loved one, perhaps it is time to get them the help they need.
After 40 or 50 years together, I hate to see people give up. And, if the other spouse has health issue themselves, it is even more difficult.

Some couples in this situation may be able to get visiting nurses or the like to come in and help if possible. I believe Medicare covers this option.
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A couple who are friends of ours are starting to move into this territory; the husband is the one with the health issues (many!) but the wife is becoming exhausted, partly because the doctors don't seem to have a clue how to help the huzz (severe pain, speech slurring, muscle spasms and none of the numerous scans show anything); and after giving up on the doctors here, they drove 2 hours to a university med center, one that's supposed to be excellent; welp, they haven't been any help either. And unfortunately, I think the only thing Medicare covers is 3 months of being in a skilled nursing facility. I think the only time visiting nurses are covered for any length of time is if you're far enough down the economic ladder to qualify for Medic-Aid (in this state anyway) which they aren't; otherwise it's cash on the barrel head as they say to cover the visiting nurses.

I'm worried about them. (And I was already worried about when this day comes for Huzz and me! Ain't getting old great? ☹️
 
fuzzybuddy said:
Years ago, divorce was a sign of failure, and tragedy. Today, I believe most people realize that all marriages are not made in heaven. And there is no reason to continue to live unhappily ever after. And to be honest, when some of my friend's announced their divorce, it really wasn't a total shock.
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If something can't survive tough times was it really worth much in the first place, (my ex. claimed our seven year marriage was a mistake, and it hard to argue against that in almost any way, funny thing is though she's managed two more "mistakes" since then!)? :(
 
officerripley said:
A couple who are friends of ours are starting to move into this territory; the husband is the one with the health issues (many!) but the wife is becoming exhausted, partly because the doctors don't seem to have a clue how to help the huzz (severe pain, speech slurring, muscle spasms and none of the numerous scans show anything); and after giving up on the doctors here, they drove 2 hours to a university med center, one that's supposed to be excellent; welp, they haven't been any help either. And unfortunately, I think the only thing Medicare covers is 3 months of being in a skilled nursing facility. I think the only time visiting nurses are covered for any length of time is if you're far enough down the economic ladder to qualify for Medic-Aid (in this state anyway) which they aren't; otherwise it's cash on the barrel head as they say to cover the visiting nurses.

I'm worried about them. (And I was already worried about when this day comes for Huzz and me! Ain't getting old great? ☹️
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It will be fantastic when imaging technology improves (and becomes cheaper, ergo, more accessible).

The only way my spine specialist realized my problem was the nerves and not the bones is that he spotted it during a surgery. Most of your nerves are super tiny, and don't show up in most types of imaging, plus most doctors aren't even looking at the nerves, because when you complain of back pain you're sent to an osteo/bone specialist.

(sorry, @SeaRaven , for going off-topic)
 
officerripley said:
A couple who are friends of ours are starting to move into this territory; the husband is the one with the health issues (many!) but the wife is becoming exhausted, partly because the doctors don't seem to have a clue how to help the huzz (severe pain, speech slurring, muscle spasms and none of the numerous scans show anything); and after giving up on the doctors here, they drove 2 hours to a university med center, one that's supposed to be excellent; welp, they haven't been any help either. And unfortunately, I think the only thing Medicare covers is 3 months of being in a skilled nursing facility. I think the only time visiting nurses are covered for any length of time is if you're far enough down the economic ladder to qualify for Medic-Aid (in this state anyway) which they aren't; otherwise it's cash on the barrel head as they say to cover the visiting nurses.

I'm worried about them. (And I was already worried about when this day comes for Huzz and me! Ain't getting old great? ☹️
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I am so sorry for this predicament for your friends. Please take heart as their situation may likely not be your fate. Waiting for there to be news is very hard. My prayers for all of you.
 
IFortuna said:
I am so sorry for this predicament for your friends. Please take heart as their situation may likely not be your fate. Waiting for there to be news is very hard. My prayers for all of you.
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Thank for the good thoughts. One thing about our friends: they have grown children who I think might be stepping in soon to help. I am afraid though that their situation or something like it will indeed be my fate since my Huzz and I have never had children; I'm just hoping that I get Alzheimers or dementia before he does since he's a foot taller and 100 lb. heavier than I; I can just see me trying to stop him from driving, wandering around all night, trying to go outside unclothed, etc...yeah, right; he's stubborn now and that only gets worse as these old men get older--proven to me by my grandfather, father and stepfather--even before they get Alzheimers. I guess some guys hate getting older even more than women do.
 
officerripley said:
Thank for the good thoughts. One thing about our friends: they have grown children who I think might be stepping in soon to help. I am afraid though that their situation or something like it will indeed be my fate since my Huzz and I have never had children; I'm just hoping that I get Alzheimers or dementia before he does since he's a foot taller and 100 lb. heavier than I; I can just see me trying to stop him from driving, wandering around all night, trying to go outside unclothed, etc...yeah, right; he's stubborn now and that only gets worse as these old men get older--proven to me by my grandfather, father and stepfather--even before they get Alzheimers. I guess some guys hate getting older even more than women do.
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I have no children either so I will have to tough it out. However, things always seem worse in my imagination than they turn out to be in real life. My brain exaggerates just about everything so I have to keep it in check. Also, by the same token, I love intensely and may need to be content to love from afar if I must. Nothing is impossible. Yes, some guys are stubborn. It is a matter of perceived manhood I guess. When the body starts breaking down, men feel less manly and women may feel less sexy. LOL It is humbling isn't it. So, I live in the moment and cross my fingers. LOL My best to you and your hubby. :)
 

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