How to react to a life long friend , who you know has less than year to live?

fuzzybuddy

fuzzybuddy

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Location
The Sticks, Northeast PA.
I have a long time friend. I went to his wedding, etc. But over the years, we both wound up on different parts of the world. The Xmas card notes got shorter and then there were none. I found him on Facebook, and reconnected. The problem is he is in the last stages of ALS-. He has less than a year to live. I know all the platitudes, and "happy talk", but somehow they just don't work when it's someone you care about.
 

fuzzybuddy said:
I have a long time friend. I went to his wedding, etc. But over the years, we both wound up on different parts of the world. The Xmas card notes got shorter and then there were none. I found him on Facebook, and reconnected. The problem is he is in the last stages of ALS-. He has less than a year to live. I know all the platitudes, and "happy talk", but somehow they just don't work when it's someone you care about.
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I am so sorry about your friend. It is not easy going through watching people you care about die. I had a friend that I reconnected with on fakebook also, who had ALS and died of it within two years of her diagnosis. We talked about our old days together of growing up in FL in the 60's. She had a large family and friends and relatives all came to see her and spend time with her before she died. Every picture anyone shared of her, was her laughing or hugging family members. We would message each other all the time. Especially in the middle of the night when she could not sleep. I tried to be the person she could talk to when she could not say what she was feeling to her family members because they felt so bad.
 
For those that live longer, we get to increasingly experience many we know pass from existence. It starts when we begin reading of the famous passing early and then some of our acquaintances, then parts of our families/relatives, our close friends, and then the hollow feeling it is just we few facing an inevitable sad reality of being mortal...alone.

grandparents...long gone
famous film stars from my youth...almost all gone
many favorite musicians, sports heros...most gone with more each day
all but one uncle...gone
parents...gone
sister...gone from pneumonia early in the pandemic with oxygen tube up her bronchia
nearest aged brother...gone, 4 others still there worried

The above noted, as a science person, have personally not given up hope and faith that there is a race of ancient eternal ultimate intelligent entities most refer to as the Christian God including Jesus that is indeed saving those of us as promised that persevere. If so that most definitely includes my beloved mother Pauline and sister Dee, both evangelical prayer warriors. You need to understand what we are is the complex low voltage, low frequency oscillating electromagnetic fields within our Earth creature brains that if provided with a compatible non-organic container duplicating each individuals reactive organic neural properties, could indeed after our body's end, be brought back into existence. And yes such might be duplicated by a UIE race because what we sense as solid matter is actually to particles like neutrinos mostly empty space that might readily be XYZ scanned. All is not lost for the good, don't give up hope.
 
A few months ago I was in this situation. Someone I'd known for most of my life had been given 2 months. Got to visit with him in the hospital. After a bit of an awkward start, had been a year or so since we last saw each other and of course, being in a hospital environment isn't normal. Didn't take so long and it became just visit talking about all sorts of things from over the years. Didn't talk to much about his condition or circumstance. Subject did come up with his wife when he'd nod off for a few minutes now and then because of the pain meds. Really a good visit. Afterward was tougher. Made my wife acutely aware of her mortality and her medical issues. Tough on me too found out someone I'd known just as long also passed the month before. Odd feeling being the last one from a time long ago.

My only suggestion is to be yourself. Your friend knows his circumstance--just be his friend.
 
He is an old Navy buddy. We worked in a Navy hospital, in NYC, we shared an apartment. ( This is NYC, what we could afford is the size of my bathroom). When you go out on the town at 8 PM, and crawl out of "after hours bar", and it's sunny; you appreciate the guy who's staggering with you.
What's bothering me is it would be easier on me, if he had passed before I found him. One of his traits is that he's unbelievably vain. He's not obnoxious about it, I used to razz him about it. But I'm sure he wants me to remember him as he was- not as he is.
Thank you for your kind words.
 
Personally, i would ask them what they need from me: Distraction? Practical assistance with anything? A sounding board for feelings they don't want to 'burden' family with? Just sit with them? I've provided each of those things for people who knew their death was near, sometimes provided similar support for their loved ones.

End of last June my dearest friend called me. Left a voice mail that she was seriously ill, from several strokes over last couple of years and more recently colon cancer. She had decided on palliative care only. No children, parents deceased, but fortunately some good friends in same locale. She felt ready to transition.

She just wanted to say 'farewell, for now' while what she felt would still come out her mouth the way she thought it. I called her back and we had lengthy chat. The effects of most recent stroke were obvious. But we had a good talk that had a lot of pauses, mostly i listened.

I told her that just because i fully understood and supported her choice, didn't mean i wouldn't miss her being in this world. A few weeks later she was in a hospice, she died 8/13/21. It hit me as hard as the deaths of family members have, maybe harder because our bond was fully a matter of choice not byproduct of genetic connection.

Respect their belief system or absence of one, your beliefs about afterlife may not be a comfort to them.

Be sure to let them know how much they've meant to you, but try not to focus solely on your sense of loss. They probably will have a good deal of that from family. Some times people 'hang on', suffering because their loved ones seem to want them physically here no matter what the individual is feeling physically or wants. Sometimes it seems like what they need most is one person who loves them enough to essentially give them 'permission' to let go of life. Find out what they want, they might not be able to be be as honest with family as with a friend.
 
fuzzybuddy said:
He is an old Navy buddy. We worked in a Navy hospital, in NYC, we shared an apartment. ( This is NYC, what we could afford is the size of my bathroom). When you go out on the town at 8 PM, and crawl out of "after hours bar", and it's sunny; you appreciate the guy who's staggering with you.
What's bothering me is it would be easier on me, if he had passed before I found him. One of his traits is that he's unbelievably vain. He's not obnoxious about it, I used to razz him about it. But I'm sure he wants me to remember him as he was- not as he is.
Thank you for your kind words.
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You're a good friend.
 
People respond differently to the news of their mortality. Some want to talk about it. Others want to ignore it. Some want you to act as if you don’t know.

That makes it difficult sometimes to know how to interact with them. The way I approach it is that I am primarily there for THEM. Yes I want to be able to see them before they pass, and that’s for me. But beyond that, I try and determine what they need from me.

Depending on the relationship you can maybe ask them outright…”what can I do to help you/what do you need from me to make this easier for you?” kind of thing. Sometimes the direct approach is uncomfortable so you will have to kind of intuit what the needs are.

Maybe they just want to talk about old times. Some want to express their fear. Others are concerned about their loved ones etc.

My ex MIL to the very end refused to even acknowledge her terminal diagnosis and spent time discussing what she was going to plant in her garden next summer, the trip she was planning, the renovation to her house she was going to do when she retired … it gave her peace and happiness to talk in this way. She was religious and the only nod she gave to her diagnosis was to say from time to time “God’s not done with me yet!”

I’m sorry about your friend. 💔
 
Meanderer said:
We have had old friends die, only to hear about it months later, or too late to say goodbye. We still think of them with regret. Make the most of your friendship while you still can. Be as honest as you can about how you feel, and be sure to say your "goodbye".
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I asked my son to make sure he will NOT say goodbye to me. Maybe au revoir, no, not that either. Say hello, no goodbyes please.

Just want to hear I Love You.
 
Have had months to sit with this type of circumstance. A good friend with cancer told me in May 2021 and is still here. Cannot go 12 hours away to see him and it has been difficult to know what to say on the phone the few times we have talked. Sent a care package at Christmas and shared a lot of old photos. Now it is on my mind to reach out again in a few days.
 
I'd say business as usual. I know too many including myself who lost friends and family by surprise. In other words don't put off a simple phone call or greeting cards. Once we hit a certain year or stage as seniors take nothing for granted including time to procrastinate.
 
Feywon stated it perfectly.

Often at the end of life, the patient has come to terms with his fate and is fine with it. Just wants your company as per usual so as to feel you are ok with it too.
 
I myself somewhat dealt with this sort of situation with my friends when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Although my doctors never really came out and said to me you have such and time to live there was always that possibility that I was not going to beat the Cancer. Some of my friends had difficulty with that especially when I was taking my treatment and was at my sickest moments and would avoid certain interactions with me. What I truly wanted from all of my friends was for them to be up beat and positive and just be themselves. That is really what helped me.
 
I've lost a few old friends in the past 4 or 5 years....some stretching back decades to high school. Most recently, I lost a neighbor last year, after he succumbed to multiple health issues. I've almost reached the point where I no longer want any "close friendships", and just prefer to maintain a cordial, but "uninvolved" relationship with others. About the only one's I want to stay close to, are the family members.
 

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