Is it possible to trust again after severe betrayal?

J

Jan14

Member
I left my husband 4 years ago. After 20 years of marriage we still loved each other. He is a sex addict for one thing, admittedly so. After not getting the help he needle to get well, I had to leave. It’s a hard addiction to understand, unless you know someone involved or are one. While I have great empathy for any addict, it had left me fearful of relationships. I’ve dated a little, however I’m afraid I’ll never trust anyone again. I can’t believe how people can live a double life. I’ve gone through therapy, etc. Just looking for any additional advice. I really don’t want to be alone forever.
 

Jan14 said:
I left my husband 4 years ago. After 20 years of marriage we still loved each other. He is a sex addict for one thing, admittedly so. After not getting the help he needle to get well, I had to leave. It’s a hard addiction to understand, unless you know someone involved or are one. While I have great empathy for any addict, it had left me fearful of relationships. I’ve dated a little, however I’m afraid I’ll never trust anyone again. I can’t believe how people can live a double life. I’ve gone through therapy, etc. Just looking for any additional advice. I really don’t want to be alone forever.
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Oh my, this is tough for you. I'm so sorry, Jan.

I can't blame you for your mistrust, but I think in your own time, you will heal enough to try again. If you really don't want to be alone, you'll give a close friendship a chance. Believe in yourself! Good luck. 🌹
 
I agree with Radish Rose, you will never forget but as time goes on and you not wanting to live alone, trust your instinct when it comes to people, I am a great believer in it, seldom, if ever, do you get let down, your confidence will grow. . All the best to you.
 

You will never forget the past that is for sure, but there are ways to move on from it because people have. I have never dealt with a situation that you are going through or even know of someone who has and I imagine it must be painful and a struggle. The only thing I can remotely relate to this is my Ex cheated on me once we came to find out I was not able to have children after trying several years into our marriage. He first became very distant to me and then I found out he was cheating. Sure it was very hard for me at first to trust men and I had difficulty dating. I have never forgotten that feeling of being cheated on by my Ex, but eventually I did take that step by realizing that not every man had the same intentions as my Ex. I also went into relationships with zero expectations and especially going down the marriage path again which I never did. I think that only time will somewhat heal these things for you, but time will never unfortunately make the past go away completely.
 
Signe The Survivor said:
You will never forget the past that is for sure, but there are ways to move on from it because people have. I have never dealt with a situation that you are going through or even know of someone who has and I imagine it must be painful and a struggle. The only thing I can remotely relate to this is my Ex cheated on me once we came to find out I was not able to have children after trying several years into our marriage. He first became very distant to me and then I found out he was cheating. Sure it was very hard for me at first to trust men and I had difficulty dating. I have never forgotten that feeling of being cheated on by my Ex, but eventually I did take that step by realizing that not every man had the same intentions as my Ex. I also went into relationships with zero expectations and especially going down the marriage path again which I never did. I think that only time will somewhat heal these things for you, but time will never unfortunately make the past go away completely.
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Thank you. It was extensive cheating. The numbers are so high we don’t know how many. I’m fortunate I didn’t catch a disease. I have forgiven him and we are friends, of sorts. It’s hard to believe the lies I did live through all those years. Addicts are good liars. There were signs through the years that he would lie about. Then I’d forgive. But when the truth was uncovered, wow! But I do know not to ignore “signs” or flags anymore. I just have to lose this mindset that I can’t trust. As you ladies say, in time.
 
Betrayal is a hard thing to get over. I think that maybe you could spend your alone time taking inventory of all the good things that are you, and appreciating them. You are apparently a person of integrity and for that it is extremely painful to have someone cheat and basically live a lie with you. In time you can redefine what you want in a relationship and what you don't want.
 
Jan14 said:
Thank you. It was extensive cheating. The numbers are so high we don’t know how many. I’m fortunate I didn’t catch a disease. I have forgiven him and we are friends, of sorts. It’s hard to believe the lies I did live through all those years. Addicts are good liars. There were signs through the years that he would lie about. Then I’d forgive. But when the truth was uncovered, wow! But I do know not to ignore “signs” or flags anymore. I just have to lose this mindset that I can’t trust. As you ladies say, in time.
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I am sorry. Being cheating on and being lied to over and over is not easy to deal with and you dealt with it with grace and forgiveness and staying friends with him. I commend you on that. Time will heal you and you will eventually come to the realization that all men are not like this.
 
Jan14 said:
I left my husband 4 years ago. After 20 years of marriage we still loved each other. He is a sex addict for one thing, admittedly so. After not getting the help he needle to get well, I had to leave. It’s a hard addiction to understand, unless you know someone involved or are one. While I have great empathy for any addict, it had left me fearful of relationships. I’ve dated a little, however I’m afraid I’ll never trust anyone again. I can’t believe how people can live a double life. I’ve gone through therapy, etc. Just looking for any additional advice. I really don’t want to be alone forever.
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It will take time, my ex led a double life(really long story), there was a small event that tipped me off to something going on. I investigated for a year, finally confirmed the whole deception. I moved out, eventually filed for divorce. Years later, I had a conversation with her next ex...she pretty much did the same thing to him. When you find a sincere, honest person, you'll know it, and just give him a chance.
 
Well, I guess I'm the first one here, though probably not the only one, to post that life can be full without a man. After my second husband died during a final tennis tournament of a heart attack when I was 36 (he was 46), I felt like I wasn't whole for quite awhile. I felt like my little family wasn't whole and it hurt. But over time I became totally comfortable living independently.

It just takes time, courage, and a dose of healthy self-esteem and positive attitude to find that you can once again find happiness with friends, family, pets, hobbies, exercise, fresh air, books, journaling, travel, etc. Perhaps happier even! Stay busy. My mother always said, "Always plan something to look forward to". Btw, she was cheated on after 30 years of marriage (and during she realized). Classy mother she was. A great example of strength and integrity.
 
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Lara said:
Well, I guess I'm the first one here, and maybe the only one, to post that life can be full without a man. After my second husband died during a final tennis tournament of a heart attack when I was 36 (he was 46), I felt like I wasn't whole for quite awhile. I felt like my little family wasn't whole and it hurt. But over time I became totally comfortable living independently.

It just takes time, courage, and a dose of healthy self-esteem and positive attitude to find that you can once again find happiness with friends, family, pets, hobbies, exercise, fresh air, books, journaling, travel, etc. Perhaps happier even! Stay busy. My mother always said, "Always plan something to look forward to". Btw, she was cheated on after 30 years of marriage (and during she realized). Classy mother she was. A great example of strength and integrity.
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I am beginning to realize I may be facing life alone, and that could be ok too. Just getting my footing. Thanks for your input.
 
Jan, My first husband was an entertainer and would choose the prettiest lady in the audience every night and
of course, have considerable affairs. As you said, "extensive cheating"
It took me a long time to trust men again and my second (late) husband sometimes received the distrust because of it.
and yes, the first one was also a liar, a thief, a child and wife beater.
There are some good men out there, but to find them is another thing!

Just know you are stronger than you think! Living on your own can be a scary experience at our age.
But you can do this! Use this time to evolve your soul and be the best you can.
I'm sure I will always be alone because I'm so picky! he has to be, well, godlike!
At least we know now what to look for in a relationship if one happens to occur.
You can do this! Blessings to you!
 
Lara said:
Well, I guess I'm the first one here, and maybe the only one, to post that life can be full without a man. After my second husband died during a final tennis tournament of a heart attack when I was 36 (he was 46), I felt like I wasn't whole for quite awhile. I felt like my little family wasn't whole and it hurt. But over time I became totally comfortable living independently.

It just takes time, courage, and a dose of healthy self-esteem and positive attitude to find that you can once again find happiness with friends, family, pets, hobbies, exercise, fresh air, books, journaling, travel, etc. Perhaps happier even! Stay busy. My mother always said, "Always plan something to look forward to". Btw, she was cheated on after 30 years of marriage (and during she realized). Classy mother she was. A great example of strength and integrity.
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After my first marriage ended, I was left a single mom of one, and with an enduring hatred towards males that lasted quite awhile. But after about five years, I realized that I enjoyed being on my own! I went back to school, got my degree and started a whole new career. I was single for 23 years, and was perfectly content to be on my own; I was busy, involved in various things and had friends to hang out with. When I met my current husband, I was 51. I hadn't been looking to be in a relationship, so it was a pleasant surprise.
 
Gaer said:
Jan, My first husband was an entertainer and would choose the prettiest lady in the audience every night and
of course, have considerable affairs. As you said, "extensive cheating"
It took me a long time to trust men again and my second (late) husband sometimes received the distrust because of it.
and yes, the first one was also a liar, a thief, a child and wife beater.
There are some good men out there, but to find them is another thing!

Just know you are stronger than you think! Living on your own can be a scary experience at our age.
But you can do this! Use this time to evolve your soul and be the best you can.
I'm sure I will always be alone because I'm so picky! he has to be, well, godlike!
At least we know now what to look for in a relationship if one happens to occur.
You can do this! Blessings to you!
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I feel at least I know I’m living a real and honest life although lonely at times, I was lonely with my husband to.
 
Jan14 said:
I feel at least I know I’m living a real and honest life although lonely at times, I was lonely with my husband to.
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Being alone doesn't have to mean loneliness. Isn't it better than feeling the pain he continually caused you?
Don't spend another moment thinking about the past; the sadness, the anger, the pain he caused, the worry.
the mistakes. bad things;
Design your life and from this moment, think "I feel good" thoughts! It's like turning on a light switch!
You can feel bad for the rest of your life (darkness) or you can think positive thoughts
and feel good for all your life! (turning on the light)
leave the past behind! You are not that person! No one is going to hurt you again!
You are STRONG and WONDERFUL!
Remember, Any wonderful thing can happen at any moment! I all begins with your thought!
You can do this and we are all here to help!
haha! This next year will be hard alone, and I have no friends or family closer than 3000 miles from me.
So, I have NO CHOICE but to toughen up and KNOW I have to handle things myself!
I can do this and SO CAN YOU!
 
Due to past experiences I have huge trust issues, but I enjoy a full, happy life with my daughter and friends, (of both sexes) choosing to live alone with no interest in another relationship

My only advice to you Jan would be to take things very slowly if you meet someone you are attracted to, do not rush into anything, get to know his family and friends as well, but, as has been said already, you can have a great life without a man, and be sure you won’t have your heart broken again !

Wishing you all the very best, I hope you find peace and happiness in the not too distant future
 
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The main thing I have to say is that, "Don't take in personally. You could have been the best wife in the world and he still would have cheated." Cheaters have personal/emotional issues in much the same way as addicts do.
PS: Please don't look for a heathy relationship in a bar. As you probably already know, bars are meat markets, ok for a one night stand but NOT for long term relationships. The best places to find "the right one" are groups where you have something in common, like: just for example, a pottery class or cooking class etc etc. Also, if you are religious, church can be good.
 
Jan14 said:
Thank you. It was extensive cheating. The numbers are so high we don’t know how many. I’m fortunate I didn’t catch a disease. I have forgiven him and we are friends, of sorts. It’s hard to believe the lies I did live through all those years. Addicts are good liars. There were signs through the years that he would lie about. Then I’d forgive. But when the truth was uncovered, wow! But I do know not to ignore “signs” or flags anymore. I just have to lose this mindset that I can’t trust. As you ladies say, in time.
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I can not understand why human nature has to be covered up to cause the truth of why a mother cries at her daughter's wedding
Living in denial would create the woman to keep having babies so the governments gain with all the fairy tales
That bring on these memories of a woman's dream to a man's natural nature of not able to sustain, the human changes of men, they incorporate to lie after the love evaporates ideal of marriage and the children suffer as well. Sorry to not sugar coat any of it the truth is he's not that into you only.
 
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Autumn72 said:
I can not understand why human nature has to be covered up to cause the truth of why a mother cries at her daughter's wedding
Living in denial would create the woman to keep having babies so the governments gain with all the fairy tales
That bring on these memories of a woman's dream to a man's natural nature of not able to sustain, the human changes of men, they incorporate to lie after the love evaporates ideal of marriage and the children suffer as well. Sorry to not sugar coat any of it the truth is he's not that into you
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senior chef said:
The main thing I have to say is that, "Don't take in personally. You could have been the best wife in the world and he still would have cheated." Cheaters have personal/emotional issues in much the same way as addicts do.
PS: Please don't look for a heathy relationship in a bar. As you probably already know, bars are meat markets, ok for a one night stand but NOT for long term relationships. The best places to find "the right one" are groups where you have something in common, like: just for example, a pottery class or cooking class etc etc. Also, if you are religious, church can be good.
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I agree with most of what you say, but there are Bars and there are BARS... bars here in the UK vary greatly in the type of establishment, many are upmarket Gastronomic restaurants.. others are dirty dives... so only the latter would be somewhere to avoid while looking for life's partner ( not that you wouldn't find a cheater in the former,..or anywhere for that matter).

I met my husband in a bar.. a nice local village bar... ...over 30 years ago.. we've been married for 21 years, and only recently separated...
 
In response to you Autumn72. His problem stemmed from child hood trauma of being molested and neglected and not properly treated. He didn’t want to continue his behavior but wouldn’t get all help needed. It’s quite intensive the treatment. His was not just affairs but involved sex workers etc. After me he got involved with a drug dealer who went to prison. She almost bankrupted him. He’s leading a very dangerous lifestyle. Believe me when I say he is a very average looking man. A blue color worker, you would never expect this of him. I thought I had a decent guy. But he does prefer very young. He now has a Filipino fiancé 27 years younger than he. He confessed to me he should never be married. She just got to the states. I am happy to be free from that situation. Some people should never be married!
 
Hey Jan, sorry this happened to you. However as others have said it is not your fault, being trusting of a spouse is not only good, but necessary. You were just unfortunate to have chosen the wrong one. I don't know that there is anyway you could have known ahead of time, its hard.

However as we get older I think it is easier, we all now have "track records" that can be checked out. All your ex's new lady friends need do is ask you... Hope you don't let this stop you from pursuing a new relationship, if that is what you want.
Jan14 said:
Some people should never be married!
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Yep!
 
Can't help you here on the cheating problem. I have been married twice and my wife never cheated and I never cheated. I do know something about trust. Trust is a wonderful thing between a couple; however, once it is lost or destroyed it is very hard and sometimes impossible to regain. No matter how sorry your partner now seems, there will always be a concern that this partner will pull the same stunt again.

If you are serious in finding someone in your life, might I suggest dating. Yes, the old fashioned and the slow kind. It takes time to find out what your new friend is really like. The worse thing is to rush into a relationship.
 

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