Having disagreement with my niece about how much help I need around the house

Marie5656

Marie5656

SF VIP
Location
Batavia, NY
My niece, Julie, has been a good advocate for me..and I appreciate it. But it is reaching a point where she is trying to micromanage things. She has suggested a housekeeper....which I have discussed in a separate thread.
Sh has decided I NEED meals on wheels. Nope..Some of the people I know do not really like the meals..and you have to pay for them. Having to pay is not the issue, but I prefer preparing my own meals, and I really do enjoy preparing things ahead, and freezing meals that I can just take out and microwave. I already have chili in the freezer, and before I go off for surgery I plan to make some beef stew and chicken soup to freeze.
Also, if I want something special, I can order things for delivery..subs, pizza, even pasta from one place here. Anyone else have similar go rounds with family? How do you handle it? Expecially for someone who does not like taking no for an answer
 

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Just tell her no, that you want to do it your way, that you prefer your own cooking, that you can make extra and freeze the rest for fast reheating that's not on someone else's timetable, and you prefer this rather than having to pay for something that you don't want. That she's a sweetie for helping, but thanks but no thanks.
 
@Marie5656 , I have two great kids and what you described is my biggest fear. They mean well but already I am getting an idea of what's to come.
Why don't you do this or that, I can't understand why you don't have a dishwasher and that's now, what will it be like in years to come. I really appreciate there concern but I'm not ready for them to take over.
Right now I just say, that sounds like a good idea, I'll look into it, and then do it my way.
 

Marie, Is she more concerned now than usual?
Possibly because she's worried about after your surgery? .... and maybe she wants to have things already in place, before that, which she thinks you might need during that situation?

I think I would try to find out more from her, on why she thinks you need some things that you do not need and do not want.

So then, possibly you could come up with a response she might listen to better? If you could address her specific concern, whatever it is?

Such as, is she afraid you may already skip meals or don't eat the right things?

Have you shown her your foods that you have prepped for yourself?
Have you written out what you do eat for meals, so she has something more definite?

I understand it is very difficult to show her how much you do appreciate what she has done for you, and value what she does for you,
while at the same time,
telling her you do not want her help in all areas.

I have found it difficult myself, to make both of those things clear, when I needed to. Some people find it too difficult to comprehend that.

Try to keep showing her you appreciate the other types of help she does, but repeat to her, that you do not want meals on wheels, and that you prefer to continue the ways you like much better, to eat.
 
Sometimes Seniors forget to turn off the stove or oven. That may have led her to suggest the alternative plan of delivered meals. She probably read an article on the internet about how to keep Seniors safe. It's so nice to have someone who loves you that much.

But I'm like you in that I like cooking my own meals too. Just explain to her that you have no problem remembering to turn off the stove or oven and want to cook on your own for as long as possible.
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Jan14 said:
It is your decision in the end. Keeping active doing chores, cooking etc. is very important as we age. I’m sure it is all through love that she is having these conversations. Good for you and your independence 😍
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I'm not so sure, Jan. I think it's more a lack of understanding on the part of Marie's niece. I think she equates elderly with feeble and infirm, and then, on top of that, she's too managerial.

Just stick to your guns, Marie. Might be driving her nuts, but that's her problem, not yours.
 
Murrmurr said:
I'm not so sure, Jan. I think it's more a lack of understanding on the part of Marie's niece. I think she equates elderly with feeble and infirm, and then, on top of that, she's too managerial.

Just stick to your guns, Marie. Might be driving her nuts, but that's her problem, not yours.
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You might be right. We (myself and 3 sisters)go around with my 89 year old mom about getting meals on wheels and more help. She’s very defensive. Of course we always go along with want she wants. However, we like to put suggestions out there for her, and it is all through love and concern for her welfare.
 
I had meals on wheels for a while. It cost $300/month. And it depends on your definition of "meal". You might call an orange a "meal", I didn't. The people, who delivered the meals were great; they looked after you. But I question the dietary level of their meals. I did have a cleaning service, but they just couldn't keep help. The 'cleaning' went way down, so why am I paying someone to clean my place the same as I'm keeping it clean?
But Marie5656, after surgery, you're not going to be dying to wax your floors. You're going to be wiped out, and exhausted.
 
Hubs and I delivered Meals-on-Wheels for a while as volunteer work. Unfortunately he brought his military side to the job and was more concerned about accurate logging of times delivered than giving me time for a bit of chit-chat, which was obviously the most important part of the deal for most of the customers. The meals looked tasty enough, but on the occasions where they asked me to take something to the fridge for them, I discovered lots of half-eaten meals and many of those oranges Fuzzybuddy just mentioned.

We could do a separate thread on, "things young people just don't understand."
Like the dishwasher thing. I find standing at the sink with my arthritic hands in warm water to be very pleasant while bending over to load and unload the dishwasher makes my head swim.
Since I broke my leg, a few years ago, both husband and son are good about offering their arm when we walk somewhere together, but they go way too fast for me. And by "too fast" I mean anything faster than the Tim-Conway shuffle.
They and other kind hearted men have nearly pulled my arm out of its socket trying to help me out of chairs when my legs weren't in position to help at all.

I'm grateful for them all, though.
 
We could do a separate thread on, "things young people just don't understand."
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I agree with that ....

Not too long ago, I was out walking my dog with his dog stroller, and one of my granddaughters came over to visit.
Trying to be helpful, she grabbed the stroller handle out of my hand and started off .... I was left standing there without my 'crutch'.
It took her a few minutes to realize that I needed that handle for support.
 
Marie5656 said:
My niece, Julie, has been a good advocate for me..and I appreciate it. But it is reaching a point where she is trying to micromanage things. She has suggested a housekeeper....which I have discussed in a separate thread.
Sh has decided I NEED meals on wheels. Nope..Some of the people I know do not really like the meals..and you have to pay for them. Having to pay is not the issue, but I prefer preparing my own meals, and I really do enjoy preparing things ahead, and freezing meals that I can just take out and microwave. I already have chili in the freezer, and before I go off for surgery I plan to make some beef stew and chicken soup to freeze.
Also, if I want something special, I can order things for delivery..subs, pizza, even pasta from one place here. Anyone else have similar go rounds with family? How do you handle it? Expecially for someone who does not like taking no for an answer
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Marie, I know she's a good person, she loves you, and her heart is in the right place. She is also a smart lady with an open mind.

I suggest you just make it short and simple for her. Let her know that although you cherish her and appreciate her concern, that when you feel you need assistance like that, you will arrange for it on your own, and in your own time.

Ask her not to take away your independence while you still are in control and capable, not to take it away before the time comes when it's absolutely necessary.

Let her know that if she cares for you, she would want to to do what makes you happy, to do things for yourself without involving strangers in your home. That she support your positive outlook on life and not diminish your self-worth.

That is so important for folks our age. The worst thing to to is whittle down our confidence or self-esteem, that's when the elderly sit in bed staring at the walls or watching repeats of TV shows from the 1950s.

She's sharp, if you spell it out for her, she will understand. Good luck my friend, hugs. 🧡
 
I imagine she has two schools of thought.

One is the more help she can get for you the easier your life will be. Two is the more help she gets for you the less she may have to do herself.

One thing you can assure her of is you want to stay as independent as possible. Tell her how important it is for seniors to be physically active and mentally stimulated. Simple cleaning chores and cooking are things you enjoy doing on your own and want to continue doing as long as possible. She should understand that.
 
This is an old problem for many seniors with their family. It all boils down to who controls your life? Do you control it or does Julie? Unless you have Alzheimer's or dementia, you should be making decisions about your life? It doesn't matter if you are right or you are wrong, but the decisions should be your own. You need to get more assertive and learn to say NO!

I blame Hollywood for their silly movies about seniors. They seldom feature seniors in the movies but when they do we are almost always portrayed as bumbling idiots. You know, holding up banks or running away from a care home!

In some ways, I am lucky because all my kiddies live 2 provinces away and I don't often see them and they certainly don't try to push me around. I can see that Julie has got into the parent role and she feels you should fall into the child role. Some how she thinks you can't control your own life. You have to straighten this problem out before it get out of hand. Maybe soon she will be putting you in some darn senior home because she thinks this is the best for you. Remember it's all about control and you want to keep the control in your life.
 
I agree with a lot of what has been written already. It really is important for everyone to remain as independent as possible. Your niece is sweet trying to make things easier for you, but you might want to discuss with her how important it is to you to remain as independent as possible. That her help is so appreciated, and you will let her know when you are ready for any increase in services if/when that time comes. Keeping active is so important for our bodies and mind.
 
It is a good think that you have a niece who cares so much for you. That is a blessing, and you need to keep her happy.

I suggest listening to her, asking questions so she knows you are listening, and always thank her for her advice and concern.

Carefully consider her advice and when or where it makes sense to you follow it. Be sure you tell her when you are following her advice, even if its your modification give her the credit. Make it sound like you are following more of her advice than you do. However, do what is best for you, no one follows all the advice of others.

Just my thoughts, I will not be offended if you follow none of my advice! Best of luck with it.
 

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