When people just cannot get along

Marie5656

Marie5656

SF VIP
Location
Batavia, NY
Be warned...incoming rant.
So, we all know I now live in a seniors only apartment building. I love it here, made some great friends etc, etc.

There are a few ladies I am especially close with, we spend a lot of time down in the community room just visiting. But, then we revert back to "Are we still in high school, or what?" Most of the people in the building are nice, friendly, say hello and all. Some have become friends, others just nice neighbors.

There is one particular lady here who can be, well, a bit unlikeable. She is a bit blunt in some of her comments, and hasaid things to others that can be considered downright rude....ie mocking a lady with rheumatiod arthritis...her hands were very crooked from the disability. Another lady has a trach stoma in her neck. The blunt lady has said negative things about them to their faces.
I get why many others are upset by this..bothers me too. BUT that beind said, when you are one to one with Blunt Lady she can be rather plesant to talk with..she is intelligent (was a lawyer, then a judge) and speaks well. She CAN be nice to talk with.
BUT , she also knows how to push buttons...and plays that card well. She has been asked by management to not come to the community room when we have our resident sponsored coffee/snack hour because of how she is.
I was in the community room this after noon for a bit.....she and another lady were there. She discussed how people do not like her, but seems clueless to the fact that she may be the cause.
We had a nice chat about things in general..her work...my work (I was a social worker).
Now the conundrum...the ladies I consider good friends do not like that I will, at times speak with her, or say hello back when she says hi to me. For example, I had been talking about wanting to buy a new TV. Blunt lady was there...as were a couple others. Blunt lady said to me that she saw Walmart had TVS n sale. I said thanks. The others had a FIT that I responded to her comment. I will never consider this woman a friend...but I will not ignore her. I told the others that.
I just do not want to lose friends because I am "nice"
 
Aw, poor Marie. This reminds me of stuff that used to go on where I retired from. And high school too as you said. I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation, sorry I'm no help. I bet some other here on SF will have some help, though. Hang in there.
 
I forgot to mention in my earlier reply, that as unpleasant as this situation is, it's a testament to what a nice person you must be, for the unlikable lady to like you; you must be a really nice person. I hope if I ever get to live somewhere like you do--it's a fantasy of min--that every single other person is like you. :)
 
Marie, this sounds like a tough situation, but I can tell by your posts that you are a nice, fun person and quite possibly the "glue" that holds your community together. It is likely that this highly intelligent woman is insecure about herself, which is why she makes fun of others. Perhaps in your chats with her you might want to find out more about her and politely dig into some of her issues. It might actually be cathartic for her.

My advice is that you keep having chats with her and continue to encourage her to be more accepting of her fellow residents, while keeping your friends engaged at the same time. As we grow older, we want friendship but the last thing we need is to worry about what someone else thinks of us.
 
Marie5656 said:
Life goes on...I am plesant to Blunt Lady, and yes, have called her in the past about the way she speaks. So, I will stick with the Cool Kid Queen Bees. I have told my friends , though, that I will not ignore someone because others do so.
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You're a kind person Marie, I wouldn't be so nice to her, but I think you should do what is in your heart and treat her in the way you choose. The others shouldn't overreact or try to influence you otherwise. They know you're not like her, they should just back off.
 
Truthfully...when the Blunt Lady opened up the conversation about people not liking her, I would have told her why they don't and perhaps tried to steer her into changing her evil ways. I would have done this as tactfully as possible. Then I would have told my friends that even if a person is not the nicest, I would never consider being rude. And like I always say about people getting upset...."They'll get over it".
 
Gaer said:
Just be your wonderful, beautiful self, Marie. You are not responsible for what anyone else (singularly or collectively) thinks, feels or says.
You are only responsible for your own thoughts, words and actions, which you always do in perfection.
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I agree with @Gaer. I know it's important to have friends and feel included but you're just being a decent human being even to blunt lady. Maybe at some point you could get your other friends in one on one conversations and ask how they feel about blunt lady and why and explain to them how you feel and that you wouldn't be true to yourself if you hated BL just because other people do. That's high school behavior. Just be your kind self at all times and maybe with a little effort the light will dawn on some of them. People will be more themselves and honest in private one on one conversations than they will in a group. I hope this will resolve itself favorably.
 
Thanks for all your input. Last night in a conversation with the friends, I reiterated how I find it hard to not be nice. And If I say hello, or chat, does not mean I am friends with that person. I am just me.
I dod not mention how in high school I was the outcast...not popular, not a lot of friends, I think seen as odd as I was shy, not into sports or a lot of the teen things.
Oh well. You know...I am 68, not into drama any more. I do like my friends, and I am assured they like having me in their group, etc. I will just keep on with what I am doing.
 
Just a note here. Have folks interacted with judges much? Oh that community is filled to the brim with utterly nasty people. Extremely common.

The jokes goes..."what do you call a corrupt lawyer?" --- Answer: "Your Honor"

"What do you call a corrupt judge?" ---- Answer: "Senator".... etc. etc. etc.


I am with the others here, just be yourself.

You might even want to go farther and just try to kill her with kindness. Sometimes works. You know, next time you are at the grocery store, but an extra bag of chocolates. Then, when you see "Judge Judy" in the hallway, just tell her that someone gave you some chocolate and it is too much for you...

that does work sometimes...

Jokes too. That often works well. Judges are very intelligent people. They often look down on the rest of us as idiots. So, they tend to enjoy jokes about people being stupid.



Maybe she might enjoy some Henny Youngman one-liners:

https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/henny-youngman-quotes

+++++++++++

take care
 
Marie, a lot of my friends have rough edges. I always try to take advantage of the good side and avoid or ignore the other. Sounds like that is what you are trying to do with this lady, a retired judge should be interesting, even if at times obnoxious.

I know it is probably harder in your living situation where you see her everyday, but seems like you are managing. Maybe some time spent soothing some of those offended would help.

As a last resort I ignore obnoxious people. But usually only those that I see no good side of, or whose obnoxiousness outweighs any good.

Best of luck with it, you seem a smart sensitive lady, I am sure you will figure out the best thing to do.
 
Marie5656 said:
Life goes on...I am plesant to Blunt Lady, and yes, have called her in the past about the way she speaks. So, I will stick with the Cool Kid Queen Bees. I have told my friends , though, that I will not ignore someone because others do so.
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See this Is what i would have told the supposedly 'nice' clique when they asked why i talk to Blunt Lady: just because she's blunt to point of rudeness is no reason for me to be rude and not respond when she talks to me.

I might also, given the slightest opening by her (like remark about not being liked), suggest that she remember she is no longer a judge so people do not have to accept her bluntness and insensitivity to their difficulties and that some day she may have to deal with the natural problems of aging and health issues and learn why 'the way she is' is offensive to others.
 
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Probably many of us know someone like this person. I do my best to avoid them, but when I can’t, I just nod and when there is a pause in the conversation, I walk away.

The other type of person that really gets under my skin is the person that continually complains about most everything. I can only take that for so long and then I have to excuse myself and walk into a bathroom or whatever is convenient.
 
We assume that we are all alike, and that's not true. Some are wired differently. Some love ketchup on their eggs, others are sickened by the thought. Marie5656's abrasive woman sounds like she has a mental disorder. Mental disorders have multiple degrees of intensity, she's probably not ill enough to require treatment, but ill enough to be irritating as hell. This is not to excuse her behavior, she is probably well aware of it. But I guess she couldn't care less about what you think of her.- Again, an indication of a mental disorder.
 
oldman said:
Probably many of us know someone like this person. I do my best to avoid them, but when I can’t, I just nod and when there is a pause in the conversation, I walk away.

The other type of person that really gets under my skin is the person that continually complains about most everything. I can only take that for so long and then I have to excuse myself and walk into a bathroom or whatever is convenient.
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For me one of the.benefits of internet forums is the ease with which.we can avoid such people without appearing 'rude' oneself unless they addressed you directly!
 
fuzzybuddy said:
We assume that we are all alike, and that's not true. Some are wired differently. Some love ketchup on their eggs, others are sickened by the thought. Marie5656's abrasive woman sounds like she has a mental disorder. Mental disorders have multiple degrees of intensity, she's probably not ill enough to require treatment, but ill enough to be irritating as hell. This is not to excuse her behavior, she is probably well aware of it. But I guess she couldn't care less about what you think of her.- Again, an indication of a mental disorder.
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OMG---isn't there enough stigma attached to mental health issues without attribuing any/all unlikeable behaviors to 'mental health' problems?

Some people just have no sense of common courtesy, it is almost as rare these days as common sense. Some were raised that way (or maybe it was a lack of raising, adequate parenting) others develop the habit due to life circumstances, their occupations. They become accustomed to being blunt, and people having to accept it due to some authority they wield. This woman had been a judge.

As for not caring what others think of you it is unhealthy to care to care too much what people think of you. Especially the opinions of anybody or everybody. The healthy individual is selective in whose opinions about themselves they give weight, care about.
 
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feywon said:
OMG---isn't there enough stigma attached to mental health issues without attribuing any/all unlikeable behaviors to 'mental health' problem.

Some people just have no sense of common courtesy, it is almost as rare these days as common sense. Some were raised that way (or maybe it was a lack of raising, adequate parenting) others develop the habit due to life circumstances, their occupations. They become accustomed to being blunt, and people having to accept it due to some authority they wield. This woman had been a judge.

As for not caring what others think of you it is unhealthy to care to care too much what people think of you. Especially the opinions of anybody or everybody. The healthy individual is selective in whose opinions about themselves they give weight, care about.
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I agree...... give me a blunt person any day better then those who hide behind fake being nice .....
a person who can converse with most anyone should not be judged or deterred by others.
 
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