Do you despise "negativity", (strong word that and must say I dont at all, and am a little concerned about those who do!)?

grahamg

grahamg

Old codger
Location
South of Manchester, UK
I read recently about someone who had stated that "they despise negativity", and it conjured up in my mind a rather overbearing personality, (though they declare themselves to be "easy going"!).

Obviously someone who is moaning the whole time is not good company to say the least, but equally anyone constantly sunny, (or pretending to be), could get on your nerves couldn't they, if they behaved in an "all's well in the best of all possible worlds" type of fashion all the time.

I'm not suggesting you shouldn't try to be positive in life either, just try not to lecture others about it, and dont forget you'll be very lucky indeed if you never get any set backs.

Here is some research into the topic to kick us off as well:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/hatred

Maybe slightly better, website here, (more related to thread topic anyway):

https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/destructive-power-hate/

This could be relevant too:
https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/despising-poor
 
This is more like it, (ignore above links in OP maybe):
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_to_do_when_you_hate_the_one_you_love

Quote:
"If we are thinking about something pleasant when a positive word pops up, we are quicker to categorize it as positive; but when a negative word pops up, we are slower to put it in the negative category. Likewise, if we are thinking about something unpleasant, we will be slower to categorize positive words and quicker for negative ones.

This task allows researchers to actually quantify people’s feelings towards their significant others, by calculating how quickly they respond to positive words and negative words after seeing their significant other’s name.

Still with me? Great, because here is where it gets interesting. Take a look at the graph below. The bars on the right show that, as expected, participants were quicker to categorize positive words after seeing their significant other’s name. But they were also quicker to categorize negative words. Not just not slower—actually quicker!

Positive and negative.1.jpg

The effect for positive words was larger, but there was a small effect showing that thinking about their significant others actually boosted people’s responses when categorizing negative words like garbage and cancer. These were significant others toward whom participants reported feeling very positively and not very negatively, yet these findings show that at an implicit level, people hold both positive and negative feelings toward the ones they love.

(Note: The bars on the left side of the graph show the typical response using positive and negative objects, such as sunsets and spiders, where positive objects only affect positive target words and negative objects only affect negative target words.)

Thus, people feel both positively and negatively toward those they love. This may not surprise you. Those closest to us, such as our romantic partners, invoke strong feelings on both ends of the spectrum—some days, thoughts of our romantic partners may leave us awash with love and admiration; other days, we may feel dislike or even repulsion."
 
If you expect people suffering enormously to be artificially positive...and you won't interact with them, if they aren't positive..
then you are the problem, not the other person.


I mean, if someone is so negative that it is like torment, then minimize your interaction with them. but don't excise them from your life...and leave them to suffer through life without friends...

Abraham Lincoln said, "A man is about as happy as he makes up his mind to be."

So, I definitely believe in the power of positive thought. But, I think some folks take that too far and blame people for being negative...when they are just suffering some problem or illness that is far beyond anyone's ability to just stay all peppy and positive through.
 
JonSR77 said:
If you expect people suffering enormously to be artificially positive...and you won't interact with them, if they aren't positive..
then you are the problem, not the other person.
I mean, if someone is so negative that it is like torment, then minimize your interaction with them. but don't excise them from your life...and leave them to suffer through life without friends...
Abraham Lincoln said, "A man is about as happy as he makes up his mind to be."
So, I definitely believe in the power of positive thought. But, I think some folks take that too far and blame people for being negative...when they are just suffering some problem or illness that is far beyond anyone's ability to just stay all peppy and positive through.
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Great post!
 
JonSR77 said:
Abraham Lincoln said, "A man is about as happy as he makes up his mind to be."

So, I definitely believe in the power of positive thought. But, I think some folks take that too far and blame people for being negative...when they are just suffering some problem or illness that is far beyond anyone's ability to just stay all peppy and positive through.
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I believe in the power of positive thought, too. I am my own best cheerleader, and that has helped me a lot through the decades. It has also helped me immensely in getting with the program to focus on and to achieve my goals.

But I did not like it when I was going through cancer treatment, and some people IRL made little of it, didn't listen, and didn't bother to inform themselves at all. These were people I'm very close to, and they minimized the facts. I got tired of defending the facts; it was enough that I faced them and carried on. I also thought that some of these people were in denial because they did not want to lose me. Sometimes facts are hard to face, and defense mechanisms kick in. That happened to me once, and I was astonished when I realized it; I truly didn't know that I had been in denial. I thought everyone else was wrong.

Worse, were the people who were very positive that swallowing a product made of horse urine would cure me, along with a few other nefarious solutions to getting rid of cancer. My goodness, if those products actually worked, a lot of hospitals and physicians would be out of business! (I'm not going down a conspiracy theory path here, far from it.)
 
Alligatorob said:
So somebody is negative about negativity?

I am no fan of it, but try my best to ignore negativity, don't want to give it the credit despising takes...
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Another friend of mine, (not the person referred to in the OP), had something to say in praise of a teaching colleague who had declared "they were going to avoid negative people from then on"!

Though I don't know anything more about the teacher they were speaking of, I do know this about my friend making the admiring comments, and it is she is very often guilty of trying to dominate or overpower others, and attempts to leave you with no option but to be compliant, regardless of your true wishes or feelings!

My fathers saying comes to mind here: "It is better to shoot a man than worry him to death"! (at least it would be a quick end.:( )
 
I have a friend who's daughter told her she was a very negative person. I had never given it thought but after she told me what the kid had said I realized it was true. She met a man and they fell in love and there was less negativity, but now she has been widowed so I assume she will go back to the negativity.
 
Many people complain about being depressed, but I wonder if, in fact, the problem lies in their negative outlook. Some people are not happy unless they're miserable!
Negative people are usually friendless because they bring others down with them. We are all affected by the moods of others, and I do wonder if therapists have a way of casting off the negative vibes that their clients give off.
At the same time, I can't abide false cheerfulness. There are times when we feel genuinely unhappy and to be told,'get a smile on your face', is very insensitive.
 
While nobody likes a Gloomy Gus, relentlessly optimistic people can get old and cloying really fast, too. Nineteenth and early 20th century literature was full of insufferably upbeat and positive little girls like Pollyanna and (God help us!) Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm. How much of this could we take, really?- - Ahhh, sweetness overload! 🙀

C8F2BC12-F45B-4AF8-A5EC-F5D86B83FA39.jpeg

I remain, however, an adherent of Captain Jack Sparrow…

7AA87DE8-6849-4340-B6F7-401F8B24CBDB.jpeg
 
If we were all positive all the time about everything, would anything ever improve. I notice a sort of immutable positivity in some young people that borders on ignorance.

A few years ago, we bought a new washer, it was supposed to have been delivered on a Monday. We took out the old washer and waited. We called the young manager at the end of the day and he said he wasn't sure when he was going to be able to find time to have it delivered, "If I worried about all that I would have gray hair."

People get voted off Survivor because they didn't use the immunity idol they had in their pocket, but claim they have no regrets and if they had it to do over again they would do the same thing.

And so on. People will completely fail at something and still say they're proud of how they did. I don't want them to beat themselves with whips, but why can't they just admit they messed up?

I don't mind admitting failure, being disappointed once in a while, "hating" the weather, occasionally being "negative." What's wrong with strong words, anyway?
 
Tish said:
Negativity drains me.😞
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You should try to listen to Dotun Adebayo on BBC radio five live between 01.00hrs and 05.00hrs very week day in order to see how someone as strong and accomplished at dealing with some very negative people, with their lives in shreds very often. He somehow brings out the best in them, and gives them a platform to speak of issues concerning them, no matter how foolish it might seem to do so, or whatever they might have to say could be thought of as being ridiculous or whatever, ("every caller tells a story" is one of his oft repeated sayings!).
 
Lavinia said:
Many people complain about being depressed, but I wonder if, in fact, the problem lies in their negative outlook. Some people are not happy unless they're miserable!
Negative people are usually friendless because they bring others down with them. We are all affected by the moods of others, and I do wonder if therapists have a way of casting off the negative vibes that their clients give off.
At the same time, I can't abide false cheerfulness. There are times when we feel genuinely unhappy and to be told,'get a smile on your face', is very insensitive.
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real depression is an illness...not something people can throw off with simple willpower.

now some people use the word "depression," but they are really referring to a mood, not the actual illness. That is something different.


I have an unnamed relative. Her subordinate was a Vietnam era combat vet. She was going to fire this guy, literally because he was too negative. Ok...this guy risked his life to protect this country and the world. Experienced horrors of war and was psychologically damaged. And now, what? We are going to throw him under the bus? You know, maybe he saw a three year old decapitated...and it is just a bit hard to get that image out of his head.

And that guy is supposed to go friendless, because he risked his life to keep the rest of us safe?

Many "negative" people are victims of domestic violence, child abuse survivors, sexual abuse survivors...or people living in teeming chronic pain.

As a society, we are supposed to let them all go friendless? That is a body of millions and millions of people!!!

And, of course, the people annoyed by the negativity would be just as negative, if they had those same experiences!!! But they judge others, by what they themselves could not conquer? Lovely stuff that.

I don't know if others know this history, but Audie Murphy, one of the most decorated WWII soldiers, was so tormented by PTSD that he always slept with a loaded gun under his pillow. This was one of America's biggest heroes.

So, we are supposed to let one of America's greatest heroes go friendless his entire life???
 
Our brains have a natural negative bias. Considering the worst is meant to keep us alive. Haven't you noticed the many positive thinking people who wind up dead early in life? Oh he/she was always smiling and was the most especially positive person you could ever meet. Everyone loved him/her. The world has lost such a blessing.
 
While my mind is often full of negativity, I try not to show it at work. I try to keep things upbeat. I can get snappy when overly stressed. But I agree, no one wants to be around a Debbie Downer all the time.

On a side note, I can't stand people who talk behind others backs. I've often been able to get along well with "difficult" people because I find them simply honest.
 
JonSR77 said:
real depression is an illness...not something people can throw off with simple willpower.
now some people use the word "depression," but they are really referring to a mood, not the actual illness. That is something different.
I have an unnamed relative. Her subordinate was a Vietnam era combat vet. She was going to fire this guy, literally because he was too negative. Ok...this guy risked his life to protect this country and the world. Experienced horrors of war and was psychologically damaged. And now, what? We are going to throw him under the bus? You know, maybe he saw a three year old decapitated...and it is just a bit hard to get that image out of his head.
And that guy is supposed to go friendless, because he risked his life to keep the rest of us safe?
Many "negative" people are victims of domestic violence, child abuse survivors, sexual abuse survivors...or people living in teeming chronic pain.
As a society, we are supposed to let them all go friendless? That is a body of millions and millions of people!!!
And, of course, the people annoyed by the negativity would be just as negative, if they had those same experiences!!! But they judge others, by what they themselves could not conquer? Lovely stuff that.
I don't know if others know this history, but Audie Murphy, one of the most decorated WWII soldiers, was so tormented by PTSD that he always slept with a loaded gun under his pillow. This was one of America's biggest heroes.
So, we are supposed to let one of America's greatest heroes go friendless his entire life???
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You have raised so many good points its hard to know what to say, but whilst I hope in no way playing "devils advocate", (because do I hate that phrase and a lot of the time being subjected to such treatment, believe you me!), but even our most decorated war heroes could be very very hard for the individual who married them to put up with all the time, if there mind set has become so destructive, (probably the heroes themselves might recognise this when they're out of the worst of their condition, or in periods when not so badly affected?).
 
I found being around someone who was negative all the time about every single thing in our life brought me down and caused me to become depressed. Once I got away from that situation I felt happy and positive about life. Yes, there are times when my problems make me feel bad and I cry to myself. I never bring other people down complaining and whining about my life. If I sound too cheery and happy at times it is mainly because I lived so long without being allowed to show those feelings. If I did, my home life was even more miserable.

I wonder though if being negative about everything that goes wrong in your life could be inherited? The person I am talking about came from a family full of negative people. They never even told a joke until I came along. My family was just the opposite. They (not my family) were always "poor me" or if so and so hadn't done that my life would have turned out different. I could not stand it.
 
grahamg said:
You have raised so many good points its hard to know what to say, but whilst I hope in no way playing "devils advocate", (because do I hate that phrase and a lot of the time being subjected to such treatment, believe you me!), but even our most decorated war heroes could be very very hard for the individual who married them to put up with all the time, if there mind set has become so destructive, (probably the heroes themselves might recognise this when they're out of the worst of their condition, or in periods when not so badly affected?).
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everything you write makes complete sense.

I have no idea what the solutions might be.

I guess people in those situations should be counseling themselves and have a professional reign in on what to do.

I would guess letting the PTSD victim have a lot of alone time might be part of the solution. Or, giving them the encouragement to just say, "I am not feeling well now, I need to be alone for awhile."

The therapists probably know a good range of techniques like that, that can help these folks...
 
to be clear, I am hardly unbiased.

I have PTSD.

I was a violent crime victim.

I struggle with depression and I have a lot of chronic pain issues.

And yes, I am quite negative.

And yes, almost all my family and friends left me...and years and years ago.

I was taken in 1982 (held for a week). By 1985, I basically had no friends left.

I have had bits of interactions here and there. I am married. My wife is an angel.

But I am still profoundly isolated.
 
katlupe said:
I found being around someone who was negative all the time about every single thing in our life brought me down and caused me to become depressed. Once I got away from that situation I felt happy and positive about life. Yes, there are times when my problems make me feel bad and I cry to myself. I never bring other people down complaining and whining about my life. If I sound too cheery and happy at times it is mainly because I lived so long without being allowed to show those feelings. If I did, my home life was even more miserable.

I wonder though if being negative about everything that goes wrong in your life could be inherited? The person I am talking about came from a family full of negative people. They never even told a joke until I came along. My family was just the opposite. They (not my family) were always "poor me" or if so and so hadn't done that my life would have turned out different. I could not stand it.
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I think your type of situation is exactly the type where do have to leave the negative person. That is a pure survival issue. With those kinds of issues, yes, I do think you have to excise the negative person from your life.

Yes, depression clearly runs in the family.
 

Do you despise "negativity", (strong word that and must say I dont at all, and am a little concerned about those who do!)?​


We all carry our bags of shit.
Some are heavier than others.
Not my place to judge.

I have found being a good listener beats heck outa offering some inane positive comment when someone is unloading.

Now, if they're talking negatively about someone else, I usually end it by asking why aren't they talking to them.......

Generally, I'm here to listen

A shot or two of a good single malt can extend my listening time.
 
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