When you have the means to change things, but you don't.

Ronni

Well-known Member
Location
Nashville TN
I have a client who is also a dear friend. She's a senior, and is very concerned about her husband (2nd marriage for both) because he never wants to do anything, and doesn't. He's a bit overweight, and some arthritis, but nothing so extreme as to affect his ability to get around, even though he's slow. She herself is very active, and encourages him to get out and about more, to come to lunch with her, go for a walk, go out with his friends, take up a hobby, go golfing, anything that will get him moving and get him out of the house.

He is wealthy, lives in a large home, has a staff to clean it, and can afford to create any lifestyle he wants.

Instead he sits at home. He reads some, is barely computer literate, takes several naps a day. The busiest thing he does routinely is bringing the garbage cans to the street or taking them back in, or going to the grocery store.

The above is just one of so many examples of people I know or have known who can do so much more but choose not to, and whose loved ones are upset, frustrated, annoyed etc., about that fact. It is bewildering to me, but at the same time I've come to realize that these people are living the life they want to live, even though to ME it would be excruciatingly boring and unfulfilling. They have the wherewithal to create any lifestyle they want to create, so you'd think they'd be doing so much more, but they don't.

I still find this kind of thing perplexing, because there is SO MUCH *I* would be doing if I had the funds to support those things. I don't, but that hasn't stopped me from continuing to find and enjoy things I CAN do, and continue to create the kind of lifestyle that is within my means that keeps me active and involved with my loved ones, friends, and life around me.

It's different if you're infirm and just simply can't get around. Even then, though you may be prohibited from doing active, physical things, there's still so much to engage one in life and more sedentary activities and keep things interesting and fun and not boring!
 

People age differently, some are content to do nothing, they feel after a lifetime of work R&R is their reward. They do not consider the cost to their health.

I am still active at 70, hubby has many health problems at 84 and while I used to get frustrated it now seems like the norm for us. To try and change someone simply does not work.....your friend must accept that.
 

People age differently, some are content to do nothing, they feel after a lifetime of work R&R is their reward. They do not consider the cost to their health.

I am still active at 70, hubby has many health problems at 84 and while I used to get frustrated it now seems like the norm for us. To try and change someone simply does not work.....your friend must accept that.
I think you have described something that happens to many of us. I've always considered myself as more or less an active person. But now, I realizing that I'm more active than most people my age because I stayed more or less active as I got older. But still, I have rested on my laurels, and I let things slide. The outcome finally becomes nothing to do with how you compare with others. The fact is we just slide and write it off as the process of aging. And I have been guilty of rationalizing it with the "I've earned it" mentality (at times). Of course, we can't avoid aging. All we can do is do what we can to stay as healthy and fit as we can. If we do this, we can and will gain a few more years of added enjoyment to our short lives. Now that I've entered into a weight loss phase and fitness phase, I find my self asking, "Why did I let this happen over the last 40 years?" But I'm back on track, and it's really worth the effort.
 
Could she get him to go to a gym?

If they have money hiring a personal trainer not only would insure that he was doing the right things, but if he liked the person it would make it easier to go. I say that because it is what I did and has helped me a lot. There are people that go to my gym in their 80s, and my trainer even has a client in his 90s.

Just a thought.
 
"He is wealthy, and can afford to create any lifestyle he wants." Well, he's done that. He's created the life he wants. If he's not Bungy jumping in Tasmania doesn't mean he's not happy. You can't judge others happiness by your standards.
He isn’t happy though, that’s the thing.

He complains that his wife (my friend) doesn’t spend enough time with him. She’s the active one, plays golf, does stuff with the grands, book club etc. He’s apparently alienated a few of their friends because he’s sarcastic and grumpy. He’s a negative sort in general I think.
 
"He is wealthy, and can afford to create any lifestyle he wants." Well, he's done that. He's created the life he wants. If he's not Bungy jumping in Tasmania doesn't mean he's not happy. You can't judge others happiness by your standards.
He isn’t happy though, that’s the thing.

He complains that his wife (my friend) doesn’t spend enough time with him. She’s the active one, plays golf, does stuff with the grands, book club etc. He’s apparently alienated a few of their friends because he’s sarcastic and grumpy. He’s a negative sort in general I think.
I'm no marriage counselor, by any means. Yet, with all the wife's multiple outside activities, it does seem she is avoiding him. Both sound like they've grown apart and have carved out separate lives.
 
He isn’t happy though, that’s the thing.

He complains that his wife (my friend) doesn’t spend enough time with him. She’s the active one, plays golf, does stuff with the grands, book club etc. He’s apparently alienated a few of their friends because he’s sarcastic and grumpy. He’s a negative sort in general I think.
Maybe he's feeling like he worked so hard to give her so much, and now that he's slowed down he deserves her time.

The guy sounds clinically depressed to me.
 
Maybe he's feeling like he worked so hard to give her so much, and now that he's slowed down he deserves her time.

The guy sounds clinically depressed to me.
I agree with you about the depression. This is a second marriage for both and she came into the marriage with a healthy bank account so I don’t see how he can feel taken advantage of. But who really knows the intricacies of a relationship except the people involved? 🤷‍♀️
 
I agree with you about the depression. This is a second marriage for both and she came into the marriage with a healthy bank account so I don’t see how he can feel taken advantage of. But who really knows the intricacies of a relationship except the people involved? 🤷‍♀️
Oh. You said "He is wealthy, lives in a large home, has a staff to clean it, and can afford to create any lifestyle he wants" so I thought the wealth was his own doing.

Arthritis pain is relentless and shouldn't be taken lightly. That kind of pain makes your whole body feel very heavy, so it takes effort to move, and extra pounds is added effort.

On particularly bad days, when pain drags me down miserably but I want to do things, I take my noon pain meds with a 5hr Energy shot. I don't have high blood pressure, don't drink coffee, and 5-hr's main ingredient is vitamin B-12. For those reasons, it does me no harm. Doesn't effect my pain, but it feels like it does - helps me push through it, and I'm in a good mood to boot.
 
"He is wealthy, and can afford to create any lifestyle he wants." Well, he's done that. He's created the life he wants. If he's not Bungy jumping in Tasmania doesn't mean he's not happy. You can't judge others happiness by your standards.
He isn’t happy though, that’s the thing.

He complains that his wife (my friend) doesn’t spend enough time with him. She’s the active one, plays golf, does stuff with the grands, book club etc. He’s apparently alienated a few of their friends because he’s sarcastic and grumpy. He’s a negative sort in general I think.
Well that’s annoying that he just wants her around to mope with him. He likely isn’t going to change. Hopefully she won’t just to appease him.
 


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