To explain further my dad died of cancer after a catastrophic life event. He had a heart in the first year and got cancer and died within six months afterwards. He was so weak when he was dying I had to tie his shoes for him. My best friend died of breast cancer after years of treatments and remissions. She was the nicest person I ever knew. I've also had more than one friend who commit suicide in very violent ways and a beloved family member committed suicide also. It's tough to believe there is a plan that includes death by agony or such fear that self destruction seems preferable to facing that fear.