Do divorced men make better husbands second time around?

grahamg

grahamg

Old codger
Location
South of Manchester, UK
Due to the prevalence of divorce in western countries the likelihood many folks will end up living with their first spouses all their lives diminishes obviously, so the question arises as to whether or not formerly married men might make a better husband the second time around, (maybe because they've learned from their mistakes the first time or whatever?)?

I know the same question could be posed concerning women too, but as most women are almost perfect to start with there is not the same room for improvement is there, (so it doesn't really apply to wives/women in my humble view :sneaky: ).

If I were to remarry its doubtful whether I'd be any better as a husband overall, as I did try to hoover around the perfectly clean house every evening on getting home from work, do the washing up, assist with the shopping, nappy changing as often as my wife etc., so not too bad on those scores, and I'd try to learn from the experiences gained during my marriage and be more assertive/decisive next time, whilst more forgiving over petty arguments at the same time, but ultimately as a leopard cant change its spots I'd guess I'd be very far from the perfect husband.

There we go, a thread all about the men, what we may do well, where we need to improve etc. :unsure:(y)(n):whistle:
 

grahamg said:
Due to the prevalence of divorce in western countries the likelihood many folks will end up living with their first spouses all their lives diminishes obviously, so the question arises as to whether or not formerly married men might make a better husband the second time around, (maybe because they've learned from their mistakes the first time or whatever?)?

I know the same question could be posed concerning women too, but as most women are almost perfect to start with there is not the same room for improvement is there, (so it doesn't really apply to wives/women in my humble view :sneaky: ).

If I were to remarry its doubtful whether I'd be any better as a husband overall, as I did try to hoover around the perfectly clean house every evening on getting home from work, do the washing up, assist with the shopping, nappy changing as often as my wife etc., so not too bad on those scores, and I'd try to learn from the experiences gained during my marriage and be more assertive/decisive next time, whilst more forgiving over petty arguments at the same time, but ultimately as a leopard cant change its spots I'd guess I'd be very far from the perfect husband.

There we go, a thread all about the men, what we may do well, where we need to improve etc. :unsure:(y)(n):whistle:
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Some might not have been bad husbands the first time around just because divorced. I guess how good or bad a husband the second time around is individual.
 
grahamg said:
Due to the prevalence of divorce in western countries the likelihood many folks will end up living with their first spouses all their lives diminishes obviously, so the question arises as to whether or not formerly married men might make a better husband the second time around, (maybe because they've learned from their mistakes the first time or whatever?)?

I know the same question could be posed concerning women too, but as most women are almost perfect to start with there is not the same room for improvement is there, (so it doesn't really apply to wives/women in my humble view :sneaky: ).

If I were to remarry its doubtful whether I'd be any better as a husband overall, as I did try to hoover around the perfectly clean house every evening on getting home from work, do the washing up, assist with the shopping, nappy changing as often as my wife etc., so not too bad on those scores, and I'd try to learn from the experiences gained during my marriage and be more assertive/decisive next time, whilst more forgiving over petty arguments at the same time, but ultimately as a leopard cant change its spots I'd guess I'd be very far from the perfect husband.

There we go, a thread all about the men, what we may do well, where we need to improve etc. :unsure:(y)(n):whistle:
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well, considering it did nothing for me when i got remarried, i doubt it will change a man's personality and the way he goes about his daily life. the question is can he find someone willing to put up with his bs the second time around. *grins*
 

Aunt Bea said:
I suppose, anything is possible. 🤔


“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.” - Henry Ford
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Some research for us all here may be useful, as we've all no doubt got something to learn, (not least that my question wasn't as original as I'd thought!):
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-8914419/Do-divorced-men-make-best-husbands.html

More here:
https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/do-men-make-better-husbands-second-time-around-xjn208qt902

And an expert view here:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/magnetic-partners/202201/marriage-the-second-time-around

  • After a divorce, many people claim to have learned enough to make a better choice the next time.
  • People often do not get to know themselves well enough to understand how their unconscious dictates their mate selection.
  • Knowing yourself and who you are attracted to on the deepest level is the way to prevent replication.
With 40-plus years of conducting couple’s therapy, I have seen many people who have managed—with great pain and effort—to extricate themselves from destructive marriages. Once free, I have typically heard them make the following promises: “Next time I will find someone with similar interests. Next time I will make sure the person is not an addict. Next time I will find someone with a higher s*x drive. Next time I will choose a nicer, less critical person. Next time I will find someone I am more physically attracted to.”

Break

People claim to have learned from their mistakes, but have they? Don’t relatives and friends warn them of their choices? Have relationship therapists failed these people? Unfortunately, I have seen far too many individuals pull themselves out of a bad union and immediately drop out of treatment; they believe that they have reached their therapeutic goal: ending their relationship. They claim to have learned enough to move on and make better choices. In some cases, this is true but in most it is not. Often they report back to treatment having replicated another unhappy union and appear totally deflated and dismayed. Most express embarrassment about having to contact me. “How did this happen again?" many ask.

It happened again because people choose the same partners over again. They may have chosen a taller person, or someone who is better off financially. They may have chosen someone they consider more attractive. They may have avoided another abusive alcoholic, or mentally ill partner. But they have left the one thing out that will have offered them the best protection against another poor choice: They did not get to know themselves well enough to understand how their unconscious dictates their mate selection.

I am not placing blame. In fact, I do not believe in mistakes when it comes to choosing a mate. Rather, I see mate choice as an unconsciously predetermined process that unless understood will be difficult if not impossible to alter."
 
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Tish said:
I wouldn't have a clue, perhaps they become pickier and chose someone that they have more things in common with,
besides sexual attraction. Just guessing here.
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I attended a local bar near where I'm currently camping in the Yorkshire Dales, and overheard some middle aged couples discussing marriage etc.

The woman speaking most of the time (whilst their other halves had gone to buy the drinks), said she and her partner were due to marry soon, but in both of their cases it was a third marriage for each of them, so she didn't think it warranted all the fuss usually pertaining to a wedding, and neither of them wished for this anyway.

All seemed very relaxed in one another's company so that is a fairly good start doesn't it, though how complex their lives really are with extended "mixed families" you can only wonder at, or marvel at if they manage to keep it all together!

Who knows if they're still following the route the expert above suggests most of us follow, using our subconscious brain when selecting a partner or not, and whether in another few years time a similar group, maybe containing one or other of these people, might be sitting there contemplating marriage number four! :rolleyes::whistle:
 
Patricia said:
Some might not have been bad husbands the first time around just because divorced. I guess how good or bad a husband the second time around is individual.
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Agreed, depends on the individual and their spouse. Sometimes more about the interaction of the individual's expectations, flaws, hangups and quirks than any objective standard of good/bad spouse, because someone can be the right spouse for one person and not for another.

Whether first marriage or 5th, the parties need to discuss their values, expectations and deal-breakers. Admittedly it often takes one marriage for people acknowledge what their deal-breakers are-- but If you don't have a clue by time you've had your first 'serious' relationship that could inhibit future good choices.
 
feywon said:
Agreed, depends on the individual and their spouse. Sometimes more about the interaction of the individual's expectations, flaws, hangups and quirks than any objective standard of good/bad spouse, because someone can be the right spouse for one person and not for another.

Whether first marriage or 5th, the parties need to discuss their values, expectations and deal-breakers. Admittedly it often takes one marriage for people acknowledge what their deal-breakers are-- but If you don't have a clue by time you've had your first 'serious' relationship that could inhibit future good choices.
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Although I haven't thought this out in enough detail to discuss, if people don't intend to have children, there should be a way to have a relationship without marriage. Maybe my thought resulted from fact that I've observed some who had their family and then went on to be married five times. There seem to be more and more of those stories these days. Some as young as my daughter have been married five times.
 
A leopard doesn't change it's spots, one may think they have changed but get the right situation and old habits come to the fore.
My question is, are men more physically attracted to women rather than emotionally.? I know there can be and is a physical attraction for women but on the whole a lot is emotion. In my opinion.
 
MarciKS said:
well, considering it did nothing for me when i got remarried, i doubt it will change a man's personality and the way he goes about his daily life. the question is can he find someone willing to put up with his bs the second time around. *grins*
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Here's a suggestion for those gals that always get hooked up with a guy who's full of bs: Keep looking! There's about 3.9 billion males in the world, some are too young, some are too old but chances are pretty good that a lady could find 2 or 3 million to choose from. :cool:
 
Nathan said:
Here's a suggestion for those gals that always get hooked up with a guy who's full of bs: Keep looking! There's about 3.9 billion males in the world, some are too young, some are too old but chances are pretty good that a lady could find 2 or 3 million to choose from. :cool:
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Synchronicity second time in the last day or two. Stumbled on anoher video by same artist, Jax, that relates to a thread (the Beach Body one) or in this case your specific comment.

I was on YT on my TV while Kindle recharging. Come back, see you comment...while I'm not looking, and happy with my current single life, i liked these lyrics, and there's some truth in the for peopke who prefer coupledom.

 
Nathan said:
Well some women seem attracted to the "bad boys" and no surprise...they end up with one...again & again.

There are plenty of "good boys" that will take care of a woman that appreciates them.
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Think Nathan is spot on ..... most of the issue i have seen with people i knew with multiple marriages under their belts is they chose the same type as the last one and expect different results
 
Pinky said:
Some negative qualities are hidden before marriage, unfortunately.
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People put their "best foot forward" in a courting situation, then later they let their hair down after the knot is tied(gee, I'm full of idoms today).

I often reflect on the situation with my ex...I quickly learned after our marriage who she really was. I would not have marriaged her had I known.
That's why with my current marriage(19-1/2 yrs) we courted 3 years before I proposed. That way we got to know each other, and could then make a prudent decision.
 
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