Do You Want to be Cared for by Your Family

Our kids and grandkids live fairly close, but I would Never want to burden them with having to care for us. We maintain a LTC policy that should give us a reasonable amount of care. Hell, IMO, would be bedridden with a terminal illness, and being kept alive by "machines". Among our documents is a DNR, and the kids are on board with our wishes.
 

60-80 years later.. no-one foresaw back in the 40's and 50's..the cost of living being such that both parents would have no option but to work just to put food on the table and a roof over their heads... it's quite untenable in this modern world for the average family to give up paid employment to care for someone else..
Times have changed. Like Edmund Burke said in some way, be careful not to lose what is good with change. I'm trying to remember the exact period of time I started hearing about the advice that children are better off at day care learning from their peers. I think it was Maria Shriver that suggested to throw away the book. At a later date, someone I know was told it's not good to move in a parent in cause could affect his relationship with his third wife. Wives tend to come and go these days, so something to think about how someone will feel in the long haul. There was a period of time people started receiving more advice about how to go about life. All I know from taking my family member in is that I am so thankful for the time we had together. It's true that both people work more now, but everyone questions why there are so many cultural problems that didn't exist in the past too. Seniors can be cared for in a home where two people work, just as they could at any other location. That way, there is oversight too. Married women who don't work outside the home are now often made to feel in such a way that they don't measure up, so I guess some of what to do at any period of time can be like a fad. The generation before the ladies doing the same were often highly esteemed. Something else to think about is how many people take antidepressants? When change is good, it seems like there wouldn't be such a need for those drugs on the level that's being reported. All I'm suggesting is to consider the changes that have taken place in society and are they good or bad. There is a book to read, but I need to look for the title, that goes into how advice is given in such a way to cover the whole instead of individual. I think people should make decisions based on individual circumstance. If your read my previous post, I said I'm playing by ear and don't have the answer.
 
Our kids and grandkids live fairly close, but I would Never want to burden them with having to care for us. We maintain a LTC policy that should give us a reasonable amount of care. Hell, IMO, would be bedridden with a terminal illness, and being kept alive by "machines". Among our documents is a DNR, and the kids are on board with our wishes.
You probably don't think it was a burden to take care of your children, so it might not be a burden to them.
 
Seriously, I find it absurd that most people don't think twice about putting a beloved pet "to sleep" rather than see it suffer. Yet, we let our elderly suffer - only prolonging their dying, not sustaining any reasonable quality of life. Lots of money to be made by stretching out our deaths. This is cruelty beyond belief. If there are countries where you can decide it is your time without a terminal diagnosis signed in triplicate, I'll stop saving for a used car and set money aside for air fare!
I agree.
 
I have no family. I am an only child, and both of my parents are deceased. I don't expect my partner's sister and her family to take care of me. I am a realist. My partner is 8 years younger and may outlive me. He was absolutely there for me when I went through severe depression, but I don't expect him to replace my adult diapers. I'm trying to save as much money as possible for some type of facility.
 
I wouldn't mind it. My sister always says she'll take care of me in my old age. She still says it even though I'm married now. She says she'll "babysit me" while Michelle works.

I've worked at state-run senior care homes, and they're atrocious. If you can afford 3 or 4 thousand bucks a month for a nice one, you'll get a nice one. If you can't, your screwed unless you have family who are happy (or at least willing) to care for you.
3 or 4 thousand bucks? My mother's assisted living facility cost $7,000 per month. Fortunately the sale of her house in her 55+ community paid for it until she passed away.
 
The absolute last thing I want is to be a burden to my only son. When I can't take care of myself, he has been instructed to have me delivered to the cheapest nursing home, and never ever pay me a visit. I don't want his last memory of me to be some drooling, senile, incapacitated old coot laying in a soiled bed.

I have no family. I am an only child, and both of my parents are deceased. I don't expect my partner's sister and her family to take care of me. I am a realist. My partner is 8 years younger and may outlive me. He was absolutely there for me when I went through severe depression, but I don't expect him to replace my adult diapers. I'm trying to save as much money as possible for some type of facility.
I've been surprised to read how so many people think of such extreme care, such as changing diapers, when posting. My dad moved in with me and, although he could have lived alone, my mother passed away and he was sad. Also, every so often he had nightmare and jumped from the bed, which was a danger for him. My grandfather did the same in his older age. My grandfather was cared for by family until he passed away. Both lived with family for years without any need for intense care. Both lived quite some time after their spouses died. Considering it is said spouses often follow each other in death, I tried to make sure my dad wasn't lonely and knew he was loved. I understand what you are saying about not having family other than a spouse. My experiences are of those who no longer had their spouse when they moved in with family.
 
Some people are fortunate to have children or family willing to care for them in their old age. However, having children and/or family is no guarantee that they will want to do that. Others have no one. Depending on others to care for you in old age or adhere to your wishes about end-of-life care is dicey. People can promise you anything, but when push comes to shove, and it eventually will, you might be at their mercy.

Having your wishes documented in writing is paramount. Even then, you can't be assured that it will be adhered to. If you don't wish for family to care for you or you have no one, you're in better shape if you can afford a decent facility. Money simply buys better care. If not, you're screwed. A state run nursing facility is absolutely abysmal, and how you're cared for is completely out of your control. Not to mention, if you don't have family, or at least someone who cares about your well-being to look in on you, you're doubly screwed. People who believe otherwise are deluded.

If you want to go to a facility/nursing home, do your homework!

A Comprehensive Guide to State Regulations for Assisted Living > https://www.aplaceformom.com/caregiver-resources/articles/assisted-living-violations

Federal and State Nursing Home & Assisted Living Regulations Transparency, Safety and Living Resources for All 50 States > https://www.seniorliving.org/nursing-homes/state-federal-regulations/

I live in the real world and have no illusions. I have no intention of being at anyone's mercy ever. I'm well aware that the only person I can truly count on is me. When the time comes where I can no longer care for myself, I'll end it my way. No muss, no fuss. Adif'inos.

Bella āœŒļø
 
My wife and I did care for one of our parents as they aged.

My mother had COPD and over a period of twelve years she slowly lost her health to this terminal disease. She was a smoker for over 20+ years (she quit at 55) which she acknowledged smoking was the cause of her COPD. When she started needing help, she moved to a place near us that allowed her to have her own apartment where she could get multiple levels of support in her apartment as she needed it. We visited her very often, took her out to eat or to see a play or concert. During our visits we sometimes, helped her determine what added support or help she needed. She also knew we were minutes away and that we would come whenever she needed us. In time, she had to have a qualified provider with her 24-7. One evening she passed in her sleep. The provider called us at 3am to advise us she had passed. I feel I was blessed to have had that time with her during her last few years of her life. RIP mom...

My father-in-law moved into the same place where my mom had stayed. He liked all the services they offered and the fact that we were close by. He had no health issues; he was just getting old and could not do things he used to do. We pretty much did the same things with him; we did with my mom. He only lasted a few years, he died in a hospital following a fall he took in his bathroom. He was almost 101 when he died, he was a special guy! He was raised on a farm where he went on to get a college degree in Petroleum Engineering. He then joined the Army Air Corp where he was trained as a B 17 Pilot.

Accordingly, my wife and I have provided for ourselves so that we and/or our kids will have the instructions and funding to see we are taken care of in our old age. My oldest son has been briefed and his brother and sister know he will lead the effort with their full support. RIP Chris...
 
My beliefs: If we are put here on earth to learn lessons, what type of lessons would a person learn in a nursing home?

How long does the average person stay in a nursing home? Medicare pays for 3 months I believe.
 
Times have changed. Like Edmund Burke said in some way, be careful not to lose what is good with change. I'm trying to remember the exact period of time I started hearing about the advice that children are better off at day care learning from their peers. I think it was Maria Shriver that suggested to throw away the book. At a later date, someone I know was told it's not good to move in a parent in cause could affect his relationship with his third wife. Wives tend to come and go these days, so something to think about how someone will feel in the long haul. There was a period of time people started receiving more advice about how to go about life. All I know from taking my family member in is that I am so thankful for the time we had together. It's true that both people work more now, but everyone questions why there are so many cultural problems that didn't exist in the past too. Seniors can be cared for in a home where two people work, just as they could at any other location. That way, there is oversight too. Married women who don't work outside the home are now often made to feel in such a way that they don't measure up, so I guess some of what to do at any period of time can be like a fad. The generation before the ladies doing the same were often highly esteemed. Something else to think about is how many people take antidepressants? When change is good, it seems like there wouldn't be such a need for those drugs on the level that's being reported. All I'm suggesting is to consider the changes that have taken place in society and are they good or bad. There is a book to read, but I need to look for the title, that goes into how advice is given in such a way to cover the whole instead of individual. I think people should make decisions based on individual circumstance. If your read my previous post, I said I'm playing by ear and don't have the answer.
If you remember the book, please let us know. šŸ‘
 
My parents are deceased. I had two brothers, one deceased and the other is 91 and in an assisted living facility in another city. I have no children. I have nieces and nephews but none live nearby and I have no expectation or desire that they be available to take care of me. I have a wonderful neighbor who is happy to take me to medical appointments if needed (like my recent cataract surgery) which is not often. I was a medical social worker for all of my career. I saw it all and then some. I vowed I would prepare for my ā€œgolden yearsā€ and not end up in a situation not of my own making and I have tried to do that. I have long term care insurance. I have a decent income and savings. So I have some options.
 
I've heard so much about what a rip-off long term care insurance can be; maybe it's just here in my state or this part of it, IDK, but after the big expose they had in our state capitol's paper, with a lot of companies, it's a complete waste of money: as soon as people go to collect, the company throws up every excuse to not pay or files bankruptcy, etc.
 
My son lives with me now and I told him if he's smart, he'll stay here even after I'm gone. I would hope that should the day come that I need to be cared for, he will be able to find a good home health aid and nurse if he is still working. If the State Health Benefits program keeps Aetna, then 35 hours a week of at home care would be covered by my plan for an unlimited time. But I have no doubt that my son, my honorary daughter and maybe even a couple of my grandchildren would make sure I'm taken care of as long as they are able.
 
I've been surprised to read how so many people think of such extreme care, such as changing diapers, when posting. My dad moved in with me and, although he could have lived alone, my mother passed away and he was sad. Also, every so often he had nightmare and jumped from the bed, which was a danger for him. My grandfather did the same in his older age. My grandfather was cared for by family until he passed away. Both lived with family for years without any need for intense care. Both lived quite some time after their spouses died. Considering it is said spouses often follow each other in death, I tried to make sure my dad wasn't lonely and knew he was loved. I understand what you are saying about not having family other than a spouse. My experiences are of those who no longer had their spouse when they moved in with family.
This is actually good to hear. My mother had adult diapers for the last few years of her life, so that is my only point of reference. I hope to remain self-sufficient for as long as possible.
 
This touches such a deep chord for me and perhaps one day I will share my experiences concerning caring for my parents. But suffice it to say that I have extensive knowledge of what it's like to be a caregiver to my folks. I did it out of love and because neither wanted to ever be placed in a care facility. However, it has completely shaped how I feel if I am in the the need for care.

If caring for me means taking me to a doctor's appointment or picking up a prescription for me, then I would be okay with asking for help. But if my needs become more extensive then I can't and won't ask family or friends to upend their lives to take care of me. I have insurance to help with paying for this type of care should I need it.
 
After being a caregiver for both my mother and father-in-law there is one thing, I learned relevant to many who posted here.

You probably will not 'go out' the way you want to.

It may come slowly or with a sudden illness that leaves you unable to care for yourself. Therefore, do not assume you will have control or have a quick death, it frequently does not go that way. Have a plan to take care of yourself in case you cannot take care of yourself. Let others who you can trust know about your plans and promise to follow your wishes. A good Trust lawyer can help you set something up to provide funding and direction to your caregivers. They also will help to make sure your wishes are being followed. Of course, this also, comes at a cost.
 
My widowed MIL had rosy visions of living with us until "she felt she was ready to go into a nursing home."

The problem was multi-fold:
- All her friends and family had either died, were already in facilities, or lived out of state/country.

- She had always depended on other people to make friends; when by herself she honestly didn't know how to BE a friend, so she declined every offer of friendship, with a smile and a nod. She wanted friends, but if THEY didn't make 100% of the effort, she never took the initiative. Even her own family, when she visited them on a month's long stay, would get tired of having to do all the entertaining. She was always willing to agree to any activity, but otherwise was completely passive.

- We lived a very incompatible lifestyle vs hers. Ours is chaotic and non-routine; we like it that way. Our lifestyle literally terrified her.

- She had mild dementia and the isolation she imposed on herself was making it worse. Taking her to senior centers 2x/wk and phone calls to friends/family just wasn't enough. She was content but not really happy or mentally stimulated.

When her dementia got worse it stressed my Spouse terrifically. He's an only child but had no idea how to put up with an aging, mentally challenged adult. Since he had already suffered a stroke at age 50 I wasn't pleased about his BP soaring when he was trying to figure out how she let $10K disappear in a year's time out of her checking account, when she was rarely traveling and had few expenses anyway.

I finally put my foot down and we investigated seniorcare facilities. Found a wonderful place where Asst. Lvg was exactly right for her, with future Memory Care capability if needed. The casual, everyday, routine social interaction was EXACTLY what she needed. Almost no one there even realized she had any dementia at all! She was incredibly happy, and to this day (five yrs after her death) we still contribute to this non-profit facility.

My Spouse has no family here at all; the closest relative is in GA. I have family here but my niece/nephew are already sandwiched between pre-teen kids and aging parents/in-laws. No way would we burden friends or family with our aging needs.

Financial planning will allow us a very comfortable old age, so that we can afford the help we may live long enough to need.
 
After being a caregiver for both my mother and father-in-law there is one thing, I learned relevant to many who posted here.

You probably will not 'go out' the way you want to.

It may come slowly or with a sudden illness that leaves you unable to care for yourself. Therefore, do not assume you will have control or have a quick death, it frequently does not go that way. Have a plan to take care of yourself in case you cannot take care of yourself. Let others who you can trust know about your plans and promise to follow your wishes. A good Trust lawyer can help you set something up to provide funding and direction to your caregivers. They also will help to make sure your wishes are being followed. Of course, this also, comes at a cost.
This is what I fear. I won’t get the chance to go on my own terms or very quickly - no muss, no fuss.
 


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