Complex Issue

[Been There]

Last night was my weekly poker night with 4 other guys living here in our gated community. One of the men started talking about marriage and then another asked me if I thought I would ever get married. I told them I didn’t know, but I would like to and I am certainly ready. Another man reminded me that most likely any woman I met now and wanted to marry would probably have adult children and would I be OK with that.

After the game was over I had to think about that question. I came to the conclusion that if I would meet a woman with adult children, I would have to be accepted by them prior to the marriage. I don’t want to get involved in a long drawn out battle with a woman’s grown children and trying to make them like me. I have heard these types of stories and most never ended up well.

I remember 1 fellow telling me that his wife’s son (his stepson), brought a gun to the house one night and was going to kill him. When his mom asked him why he was doing this, he said that if this guy is out of the way, you and dad can get back together. She assured him that was never going to happen and the divorce was settled and over and there was no going back. He decided to leave. I asked him if he called the police on the man and he said no, it wasn’t going to resolve anything. I thought differently, but let it alone.

If any of you have married and brought children into the marriage, how did that work out? I understand no one may reply because it is a personal matter.

 

[Ronni]

Ron and I have a blended family. We both married when our various kids were adults, some with kids of their own.

I made it clear from the outset that I was a package deal, I came with 5 kids and a bunch of grands and my two little dogs. That my family was my highest priority in my life, always had been and always would be. He actually laughed in delight at that because he said he was exactly the same way!

Over time we introduced our kids, to each of us and the other kids. While it wasn’t imperative that the kids enjoy each other, it absolutely was that they like each of us. I told Ron if my kids were uncomfortable with him that was going to be a deal breaker. We have always been a very close family, always having “kinfolk get togethers” (what my kids call them) and I wouldn’t exclude them to be with him.

Lucky for both of us that my kids and grands love Ron, and his feel the same about me. I interact with his kids about as much as I do with my own, blended family get togethers are fun and easy, we babysit either family’s grandkids together. It’s the best possible outcome!

I have a friend who married someone her adult kids don’t like. It became so uncomfortable that she eventually moved to her own place so her kids and grandkids could come over and hang whenever. She and her husband are still married, they are together about half the time, and they both find this an acceptable compromise.

 

[NorthernLight]

I've experienced this from various angles. I'll spare you the horror stories.

Ideally, the parent will regard their adult children as adults who have their own lives. The new spouse will be number one.

Often though, the children are more important. This can lead to relationship problems, financial problems, etc., within the marriage.

If you have separate finances and low expectations, it could work.

 

[Gaer]

Doubt if I'll ever marry at my age, but IF that ever happened,
the man I loved would ALWAYS come first!
I wouldn't care if anyone liked him or not!
He would be my only concern!
@Beenthere, You are ANTICIPATING disaster where
none may ever occur!
Expectations of the soul are often fulfilled.
Expect only wonderful things and your life might be pretty good!

 

[jujube]

I dated a guy who had a late-in-life 15 year old daughter who he had full custody of.

She was adamantly against her father dating and would call him every 10 minutes during a date. He felt "obligated" to answer her calls.

At that point in life, I had had all the experience with surly teenage girls I had any interest in having, with my own family, so I bid him a fond adieu and moved on.

 

[Been There]

Doubt if I'll ever marry at my age, but IF that ever happened,
the man I loved would ALWAYS come first!
I wouldn't care if anyone liked him or not!
He would be my only concern!
@Beenthere, You are ANTICIPATING disaster where
none may ever occur!
Expectations of the soul are often fulfilled.
Expect only wonderful things and your life might be pretty good!

Gaer:

Maybe I have over=expectations, but I really wouldn't want to be in a family where there is any bitterness. I think the family circle needs to be loving and caring for each other. If harmony doesn't exist, then strife is all that is left and why would I want to have to go out of my way to avoid contact with any step children just to appease the family unit?

As NorthernLight suggested, keeping the money separate is probably a good idea. I have plenty of my own assets and wouldn't be looking to take away anything from the new spouse's children. Most of my assets are being left to my niece, who at present is the only family member that spends time with me, calls me, sends me letters or notes and will text me from time to time. We have drawn fairly close and I really appreciate her being there for me and sharing her family's stories when they go camping, hiking, vacationing or whatever they are doing. She is a great listener and will often ask me about my experiences while I was in the military. She seems to sincerely enjoy the stories and to some degree, it's been good therapy for me being able to talk about some of the stories and discussing them.