What are the best things to say to someone in mourning, the worst?

fuzzybuddy

fuzzybuddy

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This is a repost of one of the first threads on Senior Forum in July,2012, by Knightofalbion,.
By now, all of us understand what it means to endure the death of a loved one. What are the best things to say to someone in mourning. What are the worst?
 

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I don't have a lot of family and endured my mother's 'who cares' attitude with deaths in my stepfather's family.

A co-worker returned to work after a year. Her daughter, in her early 20's was killed in a skiing accident. I never contacted her during the year. I didn't know what to say. I literally said "it's good to see you K. and I don't even know what to say to you." It's literally all I could come up with.
 
Excellent question! I look forward to reading the replies.

After my fiance died and I was mistreated by his family, the most comforting thing anyone said to me was, "I'm sorry that happened to you." So simple, and I knew it was sincere.

I was assigned to a volunteer grief counselor at one point. I thought she was kind of a bitch. She seemed to have some theory about how I should move on quickly and not feel like a victim, etc. That's all very fine, but not for me at the time.

She also wanted to play music during our meetings. I can't talk or listen when music is playing.

I also got some very bad advice about how I should take stuff and clean out his bank account because I was entitled.
 
I have always struggled with what to say. I would probably settle for "I am sorry for your loss." When my young nephew was murdered, I wrote to my brother. I felt comfortable saying that I couldn't even imagine experiencing something so awful. He was comforted by those words. I think that people go wrong when they act dismissive or try to say that they know how a person is feeling.
 
Pepper said:
The best: "I'm sorry for your loss"
The worst: Saying NOTHING at all
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I agree also. When my stepdaughter took her own life, many people did not mention it to my husband. He noticed. They would say something to me, but wanting to know the gruesome details. He actually needed them to talk to about it but I think they felt uncomfortable talking to him about it.
 
Much difference between consoling family or personal friends versus strangers including most of those we have shallow terse communications with on web boards. I'd expect some people in morning, do not enjoy others that they already do not have a long term conversational relationship with, saying anything beyond relating a brief so sorry sadness that need not be expanded.
 
A few years after my husband died I did get, or made, the opportunity to bring up to a few people "Why did you say nothing?" The idiotic answer from these adults was always "I didn't know what to say!" Boo hoo, poor them. I informed them, in the future, that saying just about anything is better than nothing.

It's their own deaths they fear, I've found, using avoidance as their protector. Death must be catching!
 
fuzzybuddy said:
What are the best things to say to someone in mourning. What are the worst?
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Best
Whatever your heart urges
Genuine remarks are best received

Worst
Was there a will?

The thing about mourning;
One shouldn't try to squelch it
or urge others to do so
Let 'er rip
Cry
Mourn
Feel the pain, the loss
Take time for it

After that time, enjoy the memories they gave you

Some of my well meaning buds tried to cheer me up when my son died

My typical reply;

'There is no immediate solace when losing a child

...nor should there be'
 
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When I was about twelve my grandfather had a bad stroke and my mother went to the hospital for a few days. When she finally came home we all went to the door to greet her and I voiced the worry that was foremost in my mind, "Did grandpa die?" My father turned around and punched me so hard I'm surprised I didn't lose any teeth.

Since then I've been terrified of funerals and viewings, but I make myself go and manage to say, "I'm so sorry," but it's hard.

People always say to avoid the cliches but when my father died the nurse said, "He's in a better place," and it actually helped me in that moment. He had left his body to science and they whisked him off in a hurry to take to wherever they take them and I liked to be reminded that he wasn't in that body any more.
 
I did say something funny when my dad died but only to my sister & nephew.
While we were looking at him at the funeral home, I noticed that whoever got him ready made his lips in a slight smile.
I said, "Look how he's smiling; because he doesn't have to put up with our mom any more."
 
My friend's old dog passed away and when he told me I said, "I'm sorry. That must be rough."

But then I thought about the word 'rough' and it sounded like I said "That must be 'ruff'...like a dog's bark. Then I got a case of the giggles and it all went South. I immediately explained to my buddy why I was laughing and he laughed too and was okay with it. Phew!
 

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