Did you set any tests to try to discover whether you were loved in earnest?

grahamg

grahamg

Old codger
Location
South of Manchester, UK
It is said that some couples years ago used to be expected to have time apart in order for them both to assess whether their love was true, (affairs of the heart never being altogether straightforward being the assumption).

Did you try to evaluate whether the person you were to marry loved you quite as much as they might have professed, and you would have liked or expected them to?

Most of us probably reached a situation where the relationship came to breaking point, and decided we'd done all we could in the courtship phase, and perhaps having done so the girlfriend/boyfriend decided to either chase you or attempt to re-start the relationship.

However, I suppose some wise souls probably find a way of drawing out their prospective spouses, (I know one friend of mine would push her boyfriend to tears by saying she wanted to split with him just to test his commitment, even though she loved him to bits).

It can of course become a foolish pursuit, as there are no guarantees in life are there, but being circumspect in affairs of the heart, at least for young people, can be the right thing to do, be it by pretending you dont love them, or a separation, (said to have been a policy our late queen, when she met prince Phillip when she was only fifteen years of age, had a period of months or years apart to test their love for one another).

What do you think?
 

No. It's easy to tell if you're loved, imo.

Did you try to evaluate whether the person you were to marry loved you quite as much as they might have professed, and you would have liked or expected them to?

When I married the first time, we both thought we were truly in love and that it would last forever. Neither of us knew that children, endless monotony, fatigue, and various temptations would effect absolutely everything.
 

grahamg said:
1. Did you try to evaluate whether the person you were to marry loved you quite as much as they might have professed, and you would have liked or expected them to?



2. However, I suppose some wise souls probably find a way of drawing out their prospective spouses, (I know one friend of mine would push her boyfriend to tears by saying she wanted to split with him just to test his commitment, even though she loved him to bits).



3. What do you think?
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1. No, I'm not a mental case.

2. Your friend is a mental case.

3. Insecure people who connive to get answers they seek because they are so insecure are mental cases.

Did you ever play these tricks, graham?
 
grahamg said:
It is said that some couples years ago used to be expected to have time apart in order for them both to assess whether their love was true, (affairs of the heart never being altogether straightforward being the assumption).

Did you try to evaluate whether the person you were to marry loved you quite as much as they might have professed, and you would have liked or expected them to?

Most of us probably reached a situation where the relationship came to breaking point, and decided we'd done all we could in the courtship phase, and perhaps having done so the girlfriend/boyfriend decided to either chase you or attempt to re-start the relationship.

However, I suppose some wise souls probably find a way of drawing out their prospective spouses, (I know one friend of mine would push her boyfriend to tears by saying she wanted to split with him just to test his commitment, even though she loved him to bits).

It can of course become a foolish pursuit, as there are no guarantees in life are there, but being circumspect in affairs of the heart, at least for young people, can be the right thing to do, be it by pretending you dont love them, or a separation, (said to have been a policy our late queen, when she met prince Phillip when she was only fifteen years of age, had a period of months or years apart to test their love for one another).

What do you think?
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I think that is all a bit much. If you love someone, they say they love you, then over a period of time their behavior will show the truth.

But manipulating someone in order to "test" their response and measuring that against some arbitruary standards is just...a bit much.
 
Here, read this and then ask yourself, did this man really love his wife as much as he told her he did? I told my wife, fiancé at the time that I loved her more than my own life. I told her that I would take a bullet for her, if needed.

I was to be discharged in May. We were going to be married the third weekend in June. My wife had the bright idea that she wanted me to be dressed in my Marine dress uniform with white gloves et al. I told her I couldn’t because I would have been discharged. She asked me if I could get special permission. I told her no. She said maybe I could just do it and hope to get away with it. I laughed and asked her if she would come and visit me in Federal prison. With a serious face, she asked, Well, where is it? I told her she was nuts.

Then her dad started talking about how I should go ask the CO for special permission to wear my dress uniform for the ceremony and then I would immediately remove it. I jokingly mentioned this to my CO, who laughed, but suggested that I join the Reserves, so I asked what were the requirements. I couldn’t believe that I took the leap and joined for a 3 year hitch. I kept my rank and pay and added to my benefits. As it worked out, I actually got a pension out of it. We laugh now, but it wasn’t funny then.
 
oldaunt said:
Tacky, Graham, really tacky...
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You're over reacting imho.

I didn't do any of the things I'm suggesting in the OP, so let me clear myself from that possible negative accusation.

My friend who did to tease her future husband to distraction wasn't tacky either, (though she had her faults, loving her husband with all her heart was a given).

"Love is blind" they say, and if its true, why not put forward the idea someone taking a few fairly minor steps to try to ensure you're not being led up the garden path?

Friends of my parents admitted that when they first met she asked him whether he was "serious", and if he hadn't been sure he was, or said he was, then she'd have finished with him. They were too lovely, well suited people, and he used to tell the tale of his own father asserting "Whatever his fiancé wanted, he must give it to her"!(the dear man, who were called "Uncle Doug" though he was no relation, said, "And that's where I've been going wrong ever since",.., to much hilarity!). :giggle:

Anyway, stop being so serious minded all you lot posting above, "that's normally my mistake". :)
 
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Lavinia said:
Surely only a very insecure person would test someone's love? If you have to keep proving that you love someone, you get sick of it and find yourself someone else!
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You do make a fair point there, (though as mentioned a serious one).

However, someone who went on to be the leader of her country turned down marriage proposals five times before finally accepting his advances and agreeing to marry! Is that the same thing, she certainly tested his love for her didn't she, and she wasn't weak or insecure in the least. :)
 
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CarolfromTX said:
Nope. Been married 50 years, so I guess we knew what we were doing. No need to overthink things.
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I'd agree with overthinking things generally, (and accept fair criticism of my own posts if intended).

However, whilst not "overthinking things", many many people think they know what they're doing, and probably do know what they were doing far better than I did, yet cant all (or anywhere near all), get anywhere near the great landmark you and your husband have reached.

Dont you think therefore, that a few of those might just be helped a little by encouragement to consider the matters I've suggested in the OP more carefully, (I think Oprah Winfrey and expert Phil make similar comments dont they concerning those about to marry)? :unsure:
 
Nathan said:
I think that is all a bit much. If you love someone, they say they love you, then over a period of time their behavior will show the truth.

But manipulating someone in order to "test" their response and measuring that against some arbitruary standards is just...a bit much.
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You could be right, and your comment "over a period of time their behaviour will show the truth" is a pithy comment, (and shows a degree of circumspection perhaps?).

My mother and father courted for seven and a half years before marrying, (and were well suited and it was a happy marriage, though they fell out like cat and dog at the same time!).

However, my mother could act in ways that could have discouraged my father from time to time during their courtship, and on one occasion he stated "If that's how she felt he would no longer come to see her, and he asked her if she would thank her mother for making him welcome", as he prepared to leave. My mother completely switched around her behaviour and showed him that his leaving or rejecting her was the last thing she wanted.

Was that her attempt at manipulating him, (I think my father was serious about going, so not guilty of manipulation in that case)?

I think it fairer to say my mother was unsure of him, and not prone to wanting to take big risks, (such as "getting married for life when life meant life" was of course), or it could have been she was behaving in a foolish manner, be it manipulation or not, and needed the shock of him about to leave for good to bring her to the realisation she wanted to marry him.
 
grahamg said:
I'd agree with overthinking things generally, (and accept fair criticism of my own posts if intended).

However, whilst not "overthinking things", many many people think they know what they're doing, and probably do know what they were doing far better than I did, yet cant all (or anywhere near all), get anywhere near the great landmark you and your husband have reached.

Dont you think therefore, that a few of those might just be helped a little by encouragement to consider the matters I've suggested in the OP more carefully, (I think Oprah Winfrey and expert Phil make similar comments dont they concerning those about to marry)? :unsure:
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Again, you‘re overthinking. And if you’re looking to Dr. Phil and Oprah for guidance, well, good luck with that.
 
CarolfromTX said:
Again, you‘re overthinking. And if you’re looking to Dr. Phil and Oprah for guidance, well, good luck with that.
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You cant be dissing Oprah and Phil, folks who have made a fortune entertaining yes, and advising millions.

Didn't you see the show "where they assisted couples going through some marital difficulties, and even the most compatible of the husbands and wife pairs chosen, had to have it pointed out to them that their partners had slipped to fourth or fifth in terms of their priorities in their lives, because they were totally unaware"?

I'll see if I can find you a clip! :)
 
Pappy said:
Heck no. Sounds like a sneaky thing to do, or even consider it.
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If you've ever been introduced to "transactional analysis", and a book called "The games people play" you'll know there are all kinds of psychological games being played by everyone of us, all the time!

Not quite the same thing as testing your intended to see if they love you enough before taking the plunge, but its plain common sense, (as I've said earlier, lets see what Oprah and Phil have to say).
 
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