LadyEmeraude
You may call me EM š
and perhaps other couples, people do not have positive experiences.
How do you feel about it all?
How do you feel about it all?
Relationship Therapists and Counseling. Many people, couples have positive experiences.
- Thread starter LadyEmeraude
- Start date
Lewkat
Senior Member
- Location
- New Jersey, USA
When I was a psychology intern, my mentor ran a marriage counseling group, and invited me to sit in on a few sessions. Well, on the one I attended, it was like war zone. I nearly broke my engagement after that.
NorthernLight
Well-known Member
- Location
- Northern BC
I've never had luck with it, solo or as a couple.
When the other person in the relationship said he'd go, and then didn't go (twice), and I had to pay for it, that was bad.
Other times, both people went, but never seemed to get anywhere. One relationship issue really bothered me, but the therapist said we weren't going to talk about that any more.
Nobody ever got to the bottom of my personal problems either. Usually they sent me away, denied my inability to cope, or made facile suggestions (that required being able to cope).
I used to think a psychiatrist would help you resolve your childhood issues. After years of trying to get a referral, I got to see a psychiatrist. She just gave me a prescription, which didn't help.
Maybe some nuts are harder to crack.
When the other person in the relationship said he'd go, and then didn't go (twice), and I had to pay for it, that was bad.
Other times, both people went, but never seemed to get anywhere. One relationship issue really bothered me, but the therapist said we weren't going to talk about that any more.
Nobody ever got to the bottom of my personal problems either. Usually they sent me away, denied my inability to cope, or made facile suggestions (that required being able to cope).
I used to think a psychiatrist would help you resolve your childhood issues. After years of trying to get a referral, I got to see a psychiatrist. She just gave me a prescription, which didn't help.
Maybe some nuts are harder to crack.
bingo
Senior Member
- Location
- southeast illinois
maybe people want to talk to someone...talking never helped me..just kept the darkness around...using my own mind...to stop thinking about it at all...as if it never was...was my answer
Murrmurr
SF VIP
- Location
- Sacramento, California
My first wife and I tried marriage counseling a few different times, and this was back in the late-70s and early 80s, when counselors were doctors of psychiatry with advanced degrees. Shelly (my ex) always walked out as soon as she thought the counselor wasn't on her side. They don't "take sides".
So yeah, I tried, but some marriage ills just can't be cured. And some people just aren't built to be counseled. They have the type of personality that can't take constructive criticism, can't adjust their thinking or their attitude or whatever, think that no one understands them and they're the only ones on the planet who's going through some shit.
So yeah, I tried, but some marriage ills just can't be cured. And some people just aren't built to be counseled. They have the type of personality that can't take constructive criticism, can't adjust their thinking or their attitude or whatever, think that no one understands them and they're the only ones on the planet who's going through some shit.
iksentrik
Member
I never had much luck with psychiatrists, though I tried off and on for 12 years. I'm allergic to most medications, quite possibly a good thing, so really had to figure things out on my own. Although I have to give my 2nd wife credit, she's a smart lady and helped me work out a lot of issues. Unfortunately our relationship wasn't something we could fix.
Alligatorob
SF VIP
Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. I've little idea why.
Absolutely!
helenbacque
Senior Member
- Location
- Central Florida
Depends how much fixin' the relationship needs and how anxious the participants are to fix it.
I've seen psychiatrists and psychologists and counselors with various degrees., I believe I got some good ideas from most. My favorite was an older gentleman who was a psychologist and very kind and empathetic and wise. He believed in longer sessions and that was great because I had a lot to say. Unfortunately I stopped seeing him because his wife said my insurance hadn't paid yet.
Never been to marriage counseling. My brother had been though it didn't save his marriage.
Never been to marriage counseling. My brother had been though it didn't save his marriage.
Although I have never been to a psychologist or a marriage counselor, I can appreciate those that truly want to repair a broken relationship. In my case(s), I just wanted out, looking for something more. I should have stayed in my first marriage, he and I remained best friends even though we both remarried. Sadly, he passed away at 54, I still miss him 20 years after.
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This sums it up for most issues. Although adultry is a bit trickier to work through.
I agree. This is a broad topic where specifics are more helpful.
JustDave
Well-known Member
I went to counseling during graduate school. It was something I wanted to try, and I have always been interested in understanding the psychology of the mind. And a good place to start was with the psychology of my own mind, a front row seat so to speak. The University Counseling Center was a free service to any currently enrolled student, so I was free to explore as much as I wanted and go deep as I could. I remained in counseling for a year and a half until I graduated. It was one of the most enlightening experiences of my life. I learned important things about me and learned life skills that remain with me today. In many ways, I learned more from the Counseling Center than I did in most of my classes. It was a year and a half of emotions and surprises, and I do have a much better understanding of how the mind works. I would not call it an easy undertaking. It involves a lot of work to strip away the layers of the onion to see what's inside. Some people may have other priorities.
OneEyedDiva
SF VIP
- Location
- New Jersey
I had asked my husband about seeing a marriage counselor once. Being Muslims, it would be best to see a Muslim and he suggested we use the Sheik, head of one of the largest masjids (mosques) in the area. The problem with that was he and the Sheik were the best of friends, so even though I feel he is a person of integrity, no way would he have been able to be impartial IMO. So counseling never happened.
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Alligatorob
SF VIP
Sounds like not seeing the Sheik was the right decision.
Good to see you posting again!
LadyEmeraude
You may call me EM š
Some years back and when I was in a significant relationship, there existed several
issues/problems between my partner and myself, that I felt could benefit from therapy/counseling.
My partner felt otherwise, he was not interested in pursuing the counseling as a couple, nor
individually.
So, I scheduled sessions and had an interest in going on my own, and which I did for 6 months.
It was a great deal of help to me. I left that relationship eventually for my peace of mind.
issues/problems between my partner and myself, that I felt could benefit from therapy/counseling.
My partner felt otherwise, he was not interested in pursuing the counseling as a couple, nor
individually.
So, I scheduled sessions and had an interest in going on my own, and which I did for 6 months.
It was a great deal of help to me. I left that relationship eventually for my peace of mind.
feywon
Well-known Member
- Location
- Rural North Central NM
In my mind, two factors are crucial in the success of joint therapy.
The first is crucial to individual therapy as well as 'couples/relationship' therapy--find the the right counselor. Theoretically counselors should be neutral about things like religion and politics--those things effect how a counselor approaches your therapy. But just as physical doctors often have things focus on and often don't listen carefully to patients' concerns--some counselors see most every problem thru a preferred 'lens'.
So if your faith/spirituality is important to you and how you function as a single or part of couple you need a counselor that will be able understand where you are coming from--they also need to be able to ask as nonconfrontationally as possible, for you to think about if your beliefs are helping or hindering you in being the kind of person you want to be and to reach your goals. Whether you or they have strong beliefs (or are strongly atheistic) is not as important as the ability of both you and the counselor to look objectively at how your beliefs are shaping your life. And you need to feel comfortable enough with them to be honest and open (which often takes time to build that trust).
The second factor is that both parties need to be truly motivated to be honest with the Therapist and open to the Counselor's observations about how the couple interacts. While it's rare for both parties to be absolutely equally motivated---they do both need to be committed to doing the emotional work necessary to have a healthier relationship. What motivates them need not be the same reasons as long at it gets each of them to that point of actually committing to making adjustments in their individual behaviors that will improve how they communicate and interact with each other.
When i got my first husband to agree to go to a counseling i was glad we got a male counselor. Why? Because 1) He'd like charm a female and 2) If a female saw past his charm and made any suggestion that both of us needed to adjust our behaviors he'd have said she was biased on my behalf. We went to total of maybe 2 sessions and he walked out when the counselor asked him to consider the hurtfulness of something he said.
i probably should have continued alone but i think i knew in my heart i could not get to my healthiest frame mind as long as we were together. The decade of letters of mine to a friend that she sent back to me after his death laid it all out quite clearly--we fed each other's issues. i would get healthier away from him--be able to maintain for a while when we reconciled and then start tumbling down the abyss of depression. We both had abandonment issues--he coped by pushing people away, i coped by leaving if they even hinted i should. Each time we reconciled i held out a little longer in being able to frame his pushing as his coping mechanism...but i'd get worn down and start to think 'maybe he really wants rid of me? Once we had children that sad little dance of ours was no longer something i considered a tolerable way to live. i knew too well the toll it takes on kids, that's what caused my issues. LOL!
The first is crucial to individual therapy as well as 'couples/relationship' therapy--find the the right counselor. Theoretically counselors should be neutral about things like religion and politics--those things effect how a counselor approaches your therapy. But just as physical doctors often have things focus on and often don't listen carefully to patients' concerns--some counselors see most every problem thru a preferred 'lens'.
So if your faith/spirituality is important to you and how you function as a single or part of couple you need a counselor that will be able understand where you are coming from--they also need to be able to ask as nonconfrontationally as possible, for you to think about if your beliefs are helping or hindering you in being the kind of person you want to be and to reach your goals. Whether you or they have strong beliefs (or are strongly atheistic) is not as important as the ability of both you and the counselor to look objectively at how your beliefs are shaping your life. And you need to feel comfortable enough with them to be honest and open (which often takes time to build that trust).
The second factor is that both parties need to be truly motivated to be honest with the Therapist and open to the Counselor's observations about how the couple interacts. While it's rare for both parties to be absolutely equally motivated---they do both need to be committed to doing the emotional work necessary to have a healthier relationship. What motivates them need not be the same reasons as long at it gets each of them to that point of actually committing to making adjustments in their individual behaviors that will improve how they communicate and interact with each other.
When i got my first husband to agree to go to a counseling i was glad we got a male counselor. Why? Because 1) He'd like charm a female and 2) If a female saw past his charm and made any suggestion that both of us needed to adjust our behaviors he'd have said she was biased on my behalf. We went to total of maybe 2 sessions and he walked out when the counselor asked him to consider the hurtfulness of something he said.
i probably should have continued alone but i think i knew in my heart i could not get to my healthiest frame mind as long as we were together. The decade of letters of mine to a friend that she sent back to me after his death laid it all out quite clearly--we fed each other's issues. i would get healthier away from him--be able to maintain for a while when we reconciled and then start tumbling down the abyss of depression. We both had abandonment issues--he coped by pushing people away, i coped by leaving if they even hinted i should. Each time we reconciled i held out a little longer in being able to frame his pushing as his coping mechanism...but i'd get worn down and start to think 'maybe he really wants rid of me? Once we had children that sad little dance of ours was no longer something i considered a tolerable way to live. i knew too well the toll it takes on kids, that's what caused my issues. LOL!
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Nathan
SF VIP
- Location
- High Desert- Calif.
Yea, that's a very common problem. I gotta give therapists and counselors credit, it's tough dealing with people and sorting out interpersonal conflicts. As a career I would have chosen shoveling out horse stalls over psychological professions.
Murrmurr
SF VIP
- Location
- Sacramento, California
100% !Yea, that's a very common problem. I gotta give therapists and counselors credit, it's tough dealing with people and sorting out interpersonal conflicts. As a career I would have chosen shoveling out horse stalls over psychological professions.