The jokes only thread....

Furryanimal said:
A man with suspected Corona virus is lying in a hospital bed with a face mask on waiting to be seen.

A trainee nurse comes to give the man a bed bath.

The man asks “Are my testicles black?"

The nurse replies “I'm here to give you a bed bath"

The man asks again slightly more agitated this time “Ok, but can you look to see if my testicles are black?”

The nurse replies “Sir I'm only supposed to give you a bed bath upper body and feet"

The man rather breathless this time manages to ask one more time, “Please, are my testicles black?”

The nurse looks at the man in sympathy and not wanting the man’s heart rate to increase or cause any more undue stress lifts up the man's gown, takes the mans member in one hand and his testicles in the other, leans in to inspect and says, “No your testicles are not black”

The man sits up in his bed removes his face mask and says to the nurse
"LISTENCAREFULLY.Are my test results back?"
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ROFLM*O! 🤣🤣🤣
 

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…
 

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive.​

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor. “Look, I was having a gin and tonic while waiting. Do you want one to help you relax?”

“I accept, thanks!” She answers. He gives her a drink, sits down in front of her and they start talking. Suddenly someone is heard opening the entrance office door.

The doctor looks worried, gets up, and says: “My wife! Quick, take off your clothes and spread your legs, otherwise, she might think there is some nonsense going on!”
 
·
"A young couple moved into a new house.
The next morning while they were eating breakfast,
the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the washing outside.
"That laundry is not very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly.
Perhaps she needs better soap powder.
Her husband looked on, remaining silent.
Every time her neighbor hung her washing out to dry, the young woman made the same comments.
A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash
on the line and said to her husband,
Look, she’s finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"
The husband replied, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."
And so it is with life…
What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.
So don’t be too quick to judge others, especially if your perspective of life is clouded by anger, jealousy, negativity, or unfulfilled desires.
Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
 
A man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks to start with.
First is to clear the exotic fish pond of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who is boss he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, since lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them in with the lions.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?" The old lion says "Absolutely brilliant.
Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
 
A woman takes her dog to the vet because it has an ear infection. The vet cleans the dog's ear and treats it with anti-biotic drops. He then says to the woman "That's fine now, but you are going to need to treat both ears with hair-removal cream every month from now on to prevent the infection recurring."

On the way home, she stops off at the chemist and asks the pharmacist for some hair-removal cream. The pharmacist hands over the cream and says "If you are using this under your arms, then avoid using deodorant for 2 days." The woman says "Oh, it's not for under my arms." "Well" says the pharmacist "If you are going to use it on your legs, don't shave for 5 days." "But it's not for my legs either" says the woman "It's for my Schnauzer." "Well in that case" says the pharmacist "Don't ride your bike for a week."
 
Father 'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.


The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter ?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the Good Father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites !”

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment………
Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
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The Great Dane with the Dodgy Gut


Title says it all really.

When I was a little sproglet, we had a lovely lump of a Great Dane that was about twice my height. Beautiful, lovely, friendly, soft, gentle creature. Unfortunately he had an inherited stomach problem - basically it meant that things would fly through him, and he had an absolutely enormous appetite, which lead to a propensity to eat whatever he could find. To this day, I sleep in late - purely because as a child you never wanted to be the first one up because of the sheer mountains of dog dump that would confront you downstairs.

Memorable passages include:

1. The entire 4kg tub of margarine he snaffled. This greased him through, and for days was fixed in a squat, ejecting a never-ending stream of arse gravy.

2. When I couldn't find my favourite pair of yellow socks. My mum swore she'd washed them and they were in the clean laundry basket. Three days later I found them, still neatly folded - and in the middle of a gently steaming pile of dog's egg.

But, by far the most memorable:
3. When he managed to nick the remains of a Sunday roast. Unfortunately, the bits of elasticated string from the roast were still on the plate. A day or so later, he was wandering around the house with about 6 inches of the elastic hanging out of his bumhole. My dad decides to help out, and grabs the end to tug it out. It's well wedged up the gut, so my dad pulls hard. The end of the greasy elastic slips out of his fingers, and the whole thing snaps back at the hound's ringpiece. I have never, ever, seen an animal move so fast or yelp so loud. He didn't come back for hours, and wouldn't go near my dad for weeks.
 
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelery store with a beautiful much-younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25.00 in your account."
"I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"
 
Giving your cat a bath.
We all know that cats are generally not into taking a bath outside of their own tongue so below is a guide to use.

1. Open the lid and seat of the toilet and add some soap to the bowl.
2. Get the cat and drop them inside and quickly close the lid.
3. You will hear some howling and splashing, the cat loves this and wants to vocalize in the best way they know how to keep it up.
4. After a few minutes give it a flush and add some more soap so they can get extra clean. The cat will go crazy for this and will meow, howl and splash even more in appreciation.
5. Allow the washing to continue for at least 5 more minutes.
6. After the 5 minutes are up flush the toilet a few times making sure to allow the tank to completely refill in between for maximum rinsing action. Your cat will ABSOLUTELY go crazy for this.
7. Once your cat is thoroughly washed and rinsed it's time to dry them off. This is very simple as the cat will want to help you out by basically drying themselves because they are so happy they got such good bathing. So just open the lid and allow them to run out, just be sure to stand to the side so they have a free path to run about the house.

And that is it you will have a happy, clean cat and you will just love how easy it is.



Sincerely,

Your friend the dog.
 
Furryanimal said:
A man with suspected Corona virus is lying in a hospital bed with a face mask on waiting to be seen.

A trainee nurse comes to give the man a bed bath.

The man asks “Are my testicles black?"

The nurse replies “I'm here to give you a bed bath"

The man asks again slightly more agitated this time “Ok, but can you look to see if my testicles are black?”

The nurse replies “Sir I'm only supposed to give you a bed bath upper body and feet"

The man rather breathless this time manages to ask one more time, “Please, are my testicles black?”

The nurse looks at the man in sympathy and not wanting the man’s heart rate to increase or cause any more undue stress lifts up the man's gown, takes the mans member in one hand and his testicles in the other, leans in to inspect and says, “No your testicles are not black”

The man sits up in his bed removes his face mask and says to the nurse
"LISTENCAREFULLY.Are my test results back?"
Click to expand...
 
This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw $10.”
The teller told her “For withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM."
The old lady asked why. The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “These are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She told her “You have $1,300,000.00 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her "Any amount up to $3000.“
The lady said, "Well please let me have $3000 now.” The teller kindly handed her $3000.
The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2,990 back into her account.
The moral of this story is....Don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill.
 
Pappy said:
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in? " he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya. "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband? "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery. "Oh, God no! " cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me... "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. "Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim? "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned. "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly? "Well, no Brenda, no. "No? "Fact is, he got out three times to pee. "
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