Get married later in life?

JustDave said:
My father suffered from depression. I can forgive him for that, but my god he was hard to live with. Before I understood he had depression and that was the problem between us, I just thought he was a jerk. Eventually, I broke relations with him completely. I'm sorry that this happened and that I never had a good relationship with him, but somewhere in my 40s, I just cut him out of my life. This was not out of revenge or payback. It was just a necessary step toward saving my own emotional health. It's too bad I felt I had to do that, but I decided it was necessary. Maybe there would have been a better way. But I don't know what that would have been.

I don't think situation applies to everyone suffering from depression. Some depressed people I've met are alert to their effect on others, and take precautions not to make their problem someone else's. I'm guessing it may be a struggle for them sometimes.
Click to expand...
I am sorry, but I sympathize with you and your own sanity. That is exactly how I feel. Yesterday we got into it and I said that I shouldn't have to put up with his outbursts like that. I am like you and have to consider my own stress levels and my own sanity. We calmed down, but I know it will happen again and then I will be gone. And I do wish him well, and I am sorry it is turning out this way, but I know I can live alone and make it.
 

fancicoffee13 said:
I am sorry, but I sympathize with you and your own sanity. That is exactly how I feel. Yesterday we got into it and I said that I shouldn't have to put up with his outbursts like that. I am like you and have to consider my own stress levels and my own sanity.
Click to expand...
Mostly I felt compelled to have good relationships with my father as expected by society's standards, and the ending was therefore my doing. I have to take some responsibility for that, because it was a conscious decision. I will never know if I could have done something else, but I will say that if this was my mistake, it would not be among the biggest mistakes in my life. So there's that. When he finally died, my step mother had years before taken him to Texas so she could be with her daughters, but even at that distance 2000 miles away, I felt an odd sense of relief when he died knowing that I would never have to worry about him being in my life again.
 
JustDave said:
Mostly I felt compelled to have good relationships with my father as expected by society's standards, and the ending was therefore my doing. I have to take some responsibility for that, because it was a conscious decision. I will never know if I could have done something else, but I will say that if this was my mistake, it would not be among the biggest mistakes in my life. So there's that. When he finally died, my step mother had years before taken him to Texas so she could be with her daughters, but even at that distance 2000 miles away, I felt an odd sense of relief when he died knowing that I would never have to worry about him being in my life again.
Click to expand...
I sympathize with you wholeheartedly! I feel a sense of staying and taking care of my husband. But, he has all his faculties about him, and I know he knows better than to say and act like he does. He has family to go to and so do I. Everything, will be alright in the end. I love being positive and strive to find the positive in everything. Being positive has loads of health benefits too.
 

fancicoffee13 said:
I am sorry, but I sympathize with you and your own sanity. That is exactly how I feel. Yesterday we got into it and I said that I shouldn't have to put up with his outbursts like that. I am like you and have to consider my own stress levels and my own sanity. We calmed down, but I know it will happen again and then I will be gone. And I do wish him well, and I am sorry it is turning out this way, but I know I can live alone and make it.
Click to expand...
Thank you for the emoticons.
 
Believe it or not, I had gone down to Jacksonville, Florida to look at some real estate that I saw on realtor.com and also what the realtor I contacted in Jacksonville had sent me. I did find 2 very nice homes in very nice neighborhoods and took the time to speak with the neighbors.

The interesting part of the trip was the realtor is a 58 year old divorcée and came across as intelligent, kind and takes pride in her appearance. I have been with female realtors dressed in stylish jeans and tops, but this realtor was dressed in a very professional, well fitting pants suit or maybe it was just a nice choice of slacks and blouse. Either way, she looked very nice.

We started looking at homes at 10:30 that morning and finished at 5:45 that day after looking at 6 different properties in different parts of the town. She made the comment that we should stop so she could allow me to have dinner and pick back up in the morning. We still had 2 more properties to tour. I asked her if she would like to have dinner with me, but she said she had another appointment scheduled for later, which she asked me to give her a few minutes to see if she could put it off until the next day.

She called the other prospective buyer and was able to reschedule, so we had dinner. It was a very nice evening. For whatever reason, she was really interested in my life. Each time I tried to talk about her and her family, she would swing the conversation back to me. I was able to find out that she divorced due to domestic violence. That was a long story, but she took a lot of abuse. She’s not at all a very big woman at about 5 ft. 5 inches and maybe 125-130 pounds. I really felt bad for her.

If you read this post, do you think the fact that she avoided talking about her or her family, I should consider that a red flag? I had a very hard time of getting anything out of her about herself or her family. She was very hesitant even talking about how she got to Jacksonville because she had made the comment that she was not a native Floridian. I am kind of interested in her and would consider a second date, even if I had to fly down and besides, I’m probably going to purchase the one property anyway.
 
NorthernLight said:
@Been There
Why would a woman tell a stranger about herself or her family on their first meeting? Sounds like she was just being cautious and/or professional.
Click to expand...
Other women I have dated for the first time have shared with me some general questions, but that wasn’t to be in this case. It’s not unusual to share general information with one another. Where did you come from? Are your parents living? What do you like to do for fun? Just general questions. I didn’t expect or ask for a bio.
 
Been There said:
Other women I have dated for the first time have shared with me some general questions, but that wasn’t to be in this case. It’s not unusual to share general information with one another. Where did you come from? Are your parents living? What do you like to do for fun? Just general questions. I didn’t expect or ask for a bio.
Click to expand...
I think she was telling you, with her silence, that this was NOT a date.
 
Pepper said:
I think she was telling you, with her silence, that this was NOT a date.
Click to expand...
I agree. She might or might not be open to dating later, but this was not a date. She had no reason to tell you all that stuff.

You know her first and last name, location, age bracket, etc. If you were a bad person you could find and cause trouble for her parents and others if you wanted to. She's putting herself in danger every day, and doesn't want to drag others into it.
 
Been There said:
Here’s the house I chose. I really liked the neighborhood, the people that I spoke with were very cordial. I don’t like the interior colors, the kitchen is a little smaller than I like, but I can live with it and I cut the offer. It doesn’t have a pool, which is a minus for me. I would have one put in.
https://www.realtor.com/realestatea...y-Lakes-Dr_Jacksonville_FL_32259_M69914-35753
Click to expand...
Lovely house @Been There ! If it were here in my city, it would exceed $1,000,000! If you put in a bid, I hope
you get it.
 
Something that no one has mentioned: Many men (and possibly women, I don't know) are still hung up on someone from their past. It could be a first love or other ex. The worst is when it's a late wife.

So a latecomer like me doesn't stand a chance. It's "My ex and I always did it this way," or an indignant "My wife never asked me to do that." Okay, but that has nothing to do with me. I never met her, and I couldn't be her if I tried. It's enough of a challenge just being myself!

Sometimes it's the flip side: suspecting that I have the bad qualities of an ex. If they paid just a little attention, they'd figure out what I'm really like. But they don't.

And why did they bother with me anyway, if they thought I was just another cheater or gold digger?

Plus, I think all of us narrow our options as we get older. We might say No more alcoholics, no more parents of young children, no more [whatever], until there are hardly any candidates left.
 
NorthernLight said:
It's "My ex and I always did it this way," or an indignant "My wife never asked me to do that."
Click to expand...
NorthernLight said:
they thought I was just another cheater or gold digger
Click to expand...
So true; I've heard this from (1 right here on SF) and about so many men. Huzz has heard it too; he came home laughing one time and said our dog's divorced veterinarian had confided to him about having to be careful which women he dated since he knew most or all were just after his money. Like Huzz said, "I don't even think he's got that much money!" I wonder why so many men seem to be like this. :unsure:
 
I've come late to this thread (I guess I didn't see it the first time around).

When I started dating again after my husband died, I wasn't against the idea of another good marriage. It seemed that the only guys I met who were interested in marriage were interested for the wrong reasons.

I had a relationship with a guy who seemed pretty perfect in most ways; we were together about four months. We had been having discussions about a permanent relationship when he told me that he had only a year or two to live. You could have knocked me down with a feather. Permanent relationship that might last two years at most?

I know that nothing in life is guaranteed....I certainly didn't expect my 60-year-old husband to say "I don't feel good" and be dead two minutes later. BUT, I couldn't see myself going INTO a relationship, knowing that the end will be coming sooner than later. Maybe if I had loved him more, I would have been willing to see him out. Apparently I didn't love him enough. Perhaps that was shallow and unfeeling of me, but having lost one husband three years before, I wasn't going to go into a relationship where I'd be guaranteed to lose another in a year or two. That was the end of the relationship and I saw his death notice just over a year later.

When I met the Spousal Equivalent, he made it very clear that though he wanted a permanent relationship, he wasn't interested in marriage. That was OK with me. So, 13 years later, we're Spousal Equivalents. It works.
 
One guy I went out with proposed on the first date (please note my earlier post about guys who want to get married for the wrong reasons). He had been married seven times before and I stated that I wasn't interested in being the *8th* Mrs. __________. He said that nobody would have to know that he had been married seven times. I said, "I'd know...."

There wasn't a second date.
 
I'm not sure if I would marry again. I never say never. If I decide to do so, at least I am much more mature to know what I seek in a spouse. And what I seek, I would bring to the marriage. Although his bank account will be MUCH larger than mine.. 🤣 🤣
I've been through a LOT with my hus, however not every man is the same and I will not allow what we've been through dictate my future. We were very young when we married...neither of us knew what it took to be married. However, it lasted thus far almost 40 yrs.

I have a friend tell me my marriage is lasting longer than all her marriages put together (5).🤣🤣
 
jujube said:
One guy I went out with proposed on the first date (please note my earlier post about guys who want to get married for the wrong reasons). He had been married seven times before and I stated that I wasn't interested in being the *8th* Mrs. __________. He said that nobody would have to know that he had been married seven times. I said, "I'd know...."

There wasn't a second date.
Click to expand...
Wow, 7x...that's a huge red flag. I would have asked him and what makes you think this marriage will last?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top