What to do when you don't enjoy being with certain friends anymore?

C

Catballou

Member
I am 65 and my hubby is 74. We've both been retired for several years. In our circle of friends there are three we've known for decades. Throughout the years, we've had so many good times with these folks...many wild parties, dinners, barbecues, guitar jam sessions, wonderful conversations, etc. But things have changed a lot in recent years. We no longer enjoy their company as much as we used to. Part of the issue is that, at our ages, hubby and I have less tolerance for negative and critical people. It's gotten to the point where we almost dread seeing them.

"Friend A" is a 74-year-old lifelong bachelor who has had chronic depression for years but hasn't done anything about it. He's lonely and hasn't dated anyone in over 30 years. Doesn't even try, yet he constantly talks about finding his "soulmate" someday. He has only two good friends and is terrified of aging. He's obsessed about his health and he talks about little else when we're with him. Of course we have compassion for him but he is such a downer. Many times we've gently suggested that he seek counselling, but he doesn't. It's tough to be patient with someone who refuses to help themselves. The sad thing is, he used to be such a hoot to hang out with. Now he's a bitter, lonely old man.

"Friend B" is a 64-year-old who has been divorced for many years. We are his only close friends. In recent years he's become argumentative, critical and very needy with my husband. He expects my husband to be his only source of entertainment. He expects my husband to invite him to our house every Friday night for a chat and some beers, and generally that happens. But if we have something else to do, he doesn't hide his disappointment. He calls several times a week, sometimes at inconvenient times, just to chat about nothing. If we don't answer the phone, he doesn't leave a message but gets upset that we don't return his calls. If he asks my hubby to go to an movie or event with him and hubby doesn't want to go, he keeps bugging him about it until finally giving up. Dealing him is exhausting.

"Friend C" has been my friend for 50 years. We were close like sisters, but she's always been very opinionated and critical of me. She thinks she's being "helpful" by giving unsolicited advice on how to run my life. She has questioned my choices when it comes to jobs, men, etc. She is obsessed with her looks and has more than one occasion told me I should lose weight to be healthier. I've been overweight all of my adult life, but I'm healthier than she is! She thrives on confrontation, especially when she drinks, which is almost nightly. When I was younger, I tolerated her comments until she pushed me too far. Then she would back off. Now, years later, she's still hasn't let up. She has a summer cottage that is two hours away and I've told her that I'm not comfortable driving that far by myself (I have an anxiety disorder). She will not accept that and berates me for refusing to drive to see her. I've had enough. At my age, I don't need anyone to question my choices and tell me how to live my life. I've been pulling away from her in the past couple of years. COVID has made that easier. I now see her only a couple of times a year. I don't look forward to seeing anymore. I'm always on guard when I'm with her, waiting for her to say something that will piss me off. I don't think I'll ever end our relationship, but the closeness we once had is over.

At this stage in our lives, my hubby and I want to spend time with people who lift us up and not drag us down. We have other friends who are positive and upbeat, who don't judge us and genuinely enjoy our company...and vice-versa.

I know this is a lot to unpack, but, my question to you all is this: Have you considered cutting ties with long-time friends who you no longer enjoy? If so, please share your story.

Thanks so much!
 

Well, friend "B" sounds like my handicapped friend. He's called me, wanting to go shopping, get a burger and stuff, thing is. I said "My van is for me living in, not an on call chariot and chauffeur"

Then he admitted there's only 2 staffers, I then said "Well it's Saturday (Dec 24th) so there's a reason" he hasn't called since, so I may have either scared him into not asking, or he wheedled someone else to drive him.

I know losing a leg isn't joyous, but you're not gaining anything by whining. I actually think that he doesn't want to put in the energy to improving his life and situation.

I suspect, friend "B" is like that, needy and unwilling to do for himself. You may have to start telling him "Sorry, have other plans" no matter how often he calls.

If he comes without calling. Just say "Sorry, you need to call before coming over, we're not able to spend time with you"

If he becomes violent, have 91 dialed before opening the door.
 
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I have experienced similar.

One friend I had since we were teenagers, and we went through a lot together. But she gets "into" things (religions, alternative lifestyles, etc.) one after the other, and I don't.

She convinced her parents to leave her their house (meaning her brothers got nothing), then she phoned me crying because she couldn't afford the house repairs and her brothers wouldn't pay for them. And a few other weird things.

I don't dislike her at all; in fact, she's a lovely person. I just got to where I couldn't relate to her experiences or help her.

I haven't spelled out that I don't want to be her friend any more, but I let myself drift away over the past 15 years or so.

She has also sent me FWDs of jokes, etc. For me this is a big no-no. I ask all my friends not to do this. If they persist, I basically block them.

I have other examples, but that's enough for now.
 
Catballou said:
Have you considered cutting ties with long-time friends who you no longer enjoy?
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I distance myself. I don't call them. If they call me, I keep it short. "Sorry, but I've got an appointment." or "I'm just on my way out." If they ask me to do something, "I can't, I already have plans that day." If they ask to meet on another day or at another time or ask me when I'm free to meet them, "I'll get back to you."

"No, just busy," I say if they ask if I'm mad at them. You just have to be quick on your feet and keep declining. Decline, decline, decline. The bottom line is that I become permanently unavailable. A word to the wise, this tactic could prompt someone who can't take no for an answer to aggressively pursue you, or possibly show up unannounced where they know you'll be, and/or they could possibly become nasty.

It takes a lot of time and energy to be around people who are unpleasant and who drag you down. I don't have that much time and energy left. Good luck working it out, Cat.

BellaāœŒļø
 
I have been single all my life, but have never complained about being lonely, even though I would be lying if I said that there are times when I donā€™t get lonely and to offset those times, I call a friend if even a Marine that I hung out with in our earlier days. It seems to me that they are always glad I called and enjoy the conversations. It was some of the best times of my life.

I also keep active by going to our HOA events, do a little dating, go fishing in the summer, play poker every Wednesday night, volunteer and so on. Thereā€™s plenty to do, if a person looks around.
 
Hey there Catballou. I am not going to solve all those minute detail problems but doing a lot of reading and having a lot of common sense I got this to say:

1. You can't change anyone who doesn't want to be changed.
2. Get rid of toxic people. You are being used and you need to stand up and take things in command. If you don't these folks will keep "walking all over you" and make your retirement years miserable until the day you die. Remember that old Porter Wagoner song, "Misery Loves Company." Tell your "friends" that your price for listening to their sobbing and bitching is $50/hour. No charge if they can contribute some good news and bring some joy to everyone.

I speak from some experience. I used to have a 1/2 brother, who is now, fortunately, dead and gone. He was pretty rich, had a big farm but was a bachelor all his life. He hated everything and everyone; especially women. If you spent an hour with him and listened to all his complaining you felt like there is no use living. You might as well just lay down and die. I tell you pilgrim; life is a lot better now that he is dead and gone.
 
Packerjohn said:
Hey there Catballou. I am not going to solve all those minute detail problems but doing a lot of reading and having a lot of common sense I got this to say:

1. You can't change anyone who doesn't want to be changed.
2. Get rid of toxic people. You are being used and you need to stand up and take things in command. If you don't these folks will keep "walking all over you" and make your retirement years miserable until the day you die. Remember that old Porter Wagoner song, "Misery Loves Company." Tell your "friends" that your price for listening to their sobbing and bitching is $50/hour. No charge if they can contribute some good news and bring some joy to everyone.

I speak from some experience. I used to have a 1/2 brother, who is now, fortunately, dead and gone. He was pretty rich, had a big farm but was a bachelor all his life. He hated everything and everyone; especially women. If you spent an hour with him and listened to all his complaining you felt like there is no use living. You might as well just lay down and die. I tell you pilgrim; life is a lot better now that he is dead and gone.
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Yes, I know hubs and I are too nice and too tolerant. We struggle with it all the time to the point where, yes, people take advantage. I like your idea of charging $50 to listen to sobbing and bitching. I think it should be more. LOL
 
I have a very close high school buddy. He has helped me out in situations and I have done likewise. A number of years
ago he accidently electrocuted himself with high voltage transcon line and it really messed up his thinking and personality.
I still see and talk to him on occasion but it is exasperating because I have to say things more than once before he will
understand what I am saying. He doesn't seem to have problems with daily living but deep thinking is out. I try to keep it
social and distanced.
 
I agree with @Bella. Distance yourself from negative people. They drain you. I know, I was married to one. Felt like I was being smothered. You might hurt their feelings but what about your feelings and your hubby's? It sounds like they expect your husband to do things with them like he was single. They do sound lonely and bitter about how their lives turned out. That is not your problem that is their problem. I would not think about how they used to be, but how they are now.

I don't think your Friend C is a true friend to you. A true friend would build you up not put you down. I think with her I would just be honest and tell her how I felt.

By the way, Welcome to our forum! Glad to have you join us!
 
DEAR ABBY: Iā€™m a single man who has a close female friend who is also single. We live about a half-hour apart, so for the last 25 years, much of our relationship happened on the phone. We talked almost daily.

Two years ago, I noticed she had stopped calling me unless it was to make plans to get together. Then I noticed that when I called her, sheā€™d let it go to voicemail and not return my call for days. About a year ago, she stopped returning my voice messages altogether. I tried reducing my calls drastically, but no dice. I also tried switching to texts, but she doesnā€™t respond to those, either.

You might conclude that sheā€™s unfriending me, but thatā€™s not the case. We still get together often for dinner or a movie, usually at her suggestion via email, and she still acts like we are close friends and nothing is wrong. But not returning, or even acknowledging, my calls or texts sure feels wrong to me. I have tried asking her about it, but she brushes it off by saying she ā€œdidnā€™t hear the phone.ā€ Or sheā€™s ā€œbad at checking voicemail and texts.ā€

Her latest excuse is, sheā€™s ā€œjust not good on the telephone.ā€ Abby, I know phone etiquette has changed and young people rarely use the phone these days. But we are in our 60s, and for 25 years our relationship was largely on the phone. Itā€™s one thing to want to cut back on that, or even to stop calling me. But ignoring my (now infrequent) calls or texts seems hurtful. Is this normal, and should I still consider such a person one of my closest friends? ā€” GHOSTED IN THE WEST

DEAR GHOSTED: A sudden change in pattern is not normal. Something has changed. Because you canā€™t get her to explain what has caused this change in her behavior, consider taking a page out of her playbook. Communicate with her via email only in response to her emails to you, and find some other friends who will treat you courteously.
https://nypost.com/2022/12/31/dear-...-25-years-started-ghosting-me-out-of-nowhere/


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Pepper said:
DEAR ABBY: Iā€™m a single man who has a close female friend who is also single. We live about a half-hour apart, so for the last 25 years, much of our relationship happened on the phone. We talked almost daily.

Two years ago, I noticed she had stopped calling me unless it was to make plans to get together. Then I noticed that when I called her, sheā€™d let it go to voicemail and not return my call for days. About a year ago, she stopped returning my voice messages altogether. I tried reducing my calls drastically, but no dice. I also tried switching to texts, but she doesnā€™t respond to those, either.

You might conclude that sheā€™s unfriending me, but thatā€™s not the case. We still get together often for dinner or a movie, usually at her suggestion via email, and she still acts like we are close friends and nothing is wrong. But not returning, or even acknowledging, my calls or texts sure feels wrong to me. I have tried asking her about it, but she brushes it off by saying she ā€œdidnā€™t hear the phone.ā€ Or sheā€™s ā€œbad at checking voicemail and texts.ā€

Her latest excuse is, sheā€™s ā€œjust not good on the telephone.ā€ Abby, I know phone etiquette has changed and young people rarely use the phone these days. But we are in our 60s, and for 25 years our relationship was largely on the phone. Itā€™s one thing to want to cut back on that, or even to stop calling me. But ignoring my (now infrequent) calls or texts seems hurtful. Is this normal, and should I still consider such a person one of my closest friends? ā€” GHOSTED IN THE WEST

DEAR GHOSTED: A sudden change in pattern is not normal. Something has changed. Because you canā€™t get her to explain what has caused this change in her behavior, consider taking a page out of her playbook. Communicate with her via email only in response to her emails to you, and find some other friends who will treat you courteously.
https://nypost.com/2022/12/31/dear-...-25-years-started-ghosting-me-out-of-nowhere/


​

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Yeah, I limit my friendships to those who live no more than 20 minutes from me.
 
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Catballou said:
Have you considered cutting ties with long-time friends who you no longer enjoy? If so, please share your story.
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Sure, I think we all have. I don't "cut ties" so much as just reduce contact and try to find new friends. No reason to completely cut off old friends, unless they turn bad or something. Things could change one day...
Senenity said:
What if you were on the ā€œother side of the coinā€
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I'm sure we all have been, at one time or another.
 
I didn't trade anything. It just was. No regrets on our decision to move to NH. The only regret is we didn't stay after husband died there. Big mistake to move. Definitely should have waited a year as my mother suggested.
 
Thatā€™s unfortunate about your husband.
I didnā€™t mean trade so literally though.
I just wondered why anyone would want
to move from their happy place. I can see
now why, with losing a spouse, memories
might not have seemed happy at the time.
 

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