Feeling obligated to my sister - her life is a mess but I'm trying to keep my life positive

hollydolly said:
Yes we have council housing, altho' very little of it now.. and millions of people on the waiting lists.. but we don't have all those extras attached to the council housing that you stated you get !!
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Ah, Got it. Yeah, it's really nice that they take care of the elderly and disabled. In fact, it's the law.
 

Murrmurr said:
Ah, Got it. Yeah, it's really nice that they take care of the elderly and disabled. In fact, it's the law.
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...That's fantastic.. I wish it was the same here.. the stories we hear on a regular basis of the struggles of elderly people who are left to fend for themselves with no help would make you weep... :(
 
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Let's not forget your mental health living with someone who it sounds like, has some serious issues. Because she is housed, doesn't mean that the housing situation has to be permanent if it is detrimental to your health. Perhaps speak to your own MD about how this is affecting you. He or she may be able to write a letter for you. She almost sounds like she could have a personality disorder. I can't diagnose of course but I was raised by one.
 

Flaneuse said:
As I said - just venting and maybe looking for some support. I'm not going to kick her out - I just need the strength to continue to say no - and not feel guilty about it.
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You are a good person to have done what you have done.

And you of course should never feel guilty about saying no, particularly not when you are providing your sister with a place to live.

You don't owe her any of this, but I can understand why you are doing it. But I think a place to live is enough, doing your best to live your life for yourself is the right thing to do.

Letting her drag you down would not only be bad for you, but probably for her as well. Hang in there, as I said you are a good person, better than all too many.
 
I have a younger brother like that. Spoiled rotten by my parents, in and out of jail, drug addiction, bad debts, you name it. He lived off my parents for most of his life. I made it abundantly clear that I am not his parent, and I no longer have any contact with him. Life is just too short to deal with people like that.
 
Geezer Garage said:
I have a younger brother like that. Spoiled rotten by my parents, in and out of jail, drug addiction, bad debts, you name it. He lived off my parents for most of his life. I made it abundantly clear that I am not his parent, and I no longer have any contact with him. Life is just too short to deal with people like that.
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I also had a younger brother like that. He just moved from one place to another living off of others. He lived with us for a while, it was pretty clear he had no intentions of working or doing much of anything...

Not long after he moved out of our house, at our urging, he ran out of places to live and committed suicide.

I feel a bit guilt about it, if I had known what was coming I would not have pushed him out. Life can be hard.
 
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Flaneuse said:
I think she has talked to agencies in the past and has been told that because she has a current living situation, they couldn't help. I hate to say this, but are you sure she was honest about her housing situation with them? You may either need to call yourself or sit in on the call with her.
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I hate to say this, but are you sure she was honest with them about her housing situation? You may need to call them yourself or do a conference call with her & them to let them know exactly what is going on.

You may need to tell them she needs an apartment because she can no longer stay with you. Sometimes you have to take a hard line with these agencies to get them to take you seriously, or they will blow you off.

This may have sounded harsh, but I know you want the best for her. And again, if you don't take care of yourself, you're not going to be able to take care of her either.
 
Lilac said:
I hate to say this, but are you sure she was honest with them about her housing situation? You may need to call them yourself or do a conference call with her & them to let them know exactly what is going on.

You may need to tell them she needs an apartment because she can no longer stay with you. Sometimes you have to take a hard line with these agencies to get them to take you seriously, or they will blow you off.

This may have sounded harsh, but I know you want the best for her. And again, if you don't take care of yourself, you're not going to be able to take care of her either.
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When I find the right place, I'm going to be moving out of the area. I don't think she will want to leave so the situation may resolve itself. This situation does bother me from time to time - asking me to use miles for her vacation was a bit of a tipping point because I just don't understand that mindset - but overall, I'm pretty resilient. I have worked for some real jerks during the course of my career (e.g., I had a senior executive throw a stapler at me when I told him the result he wanted could not be achieved) and although not everything rolls off me, I've learned that after the initial impact of whatever the stressor is I can bounce back pretty quickly. So - thank you for being concerned about my taking care of myself - you are right, of course, but I'm quickly moving past the conversation that led me to post.
 
Geezer Garage said:
I have a younger brother like that. Spoiled rotten by my parents, in and out of jail, drug addiction, bad debts, you name it. He lived off my parents for most of his life. I made it abundantly clear that I am not his parent, and I no longer have any contact with him. Life is just too short to deal with people like that.
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I'm sorry. And you did the right thing going no contact. I wish it was a concept I had know of years ago.
 
Alligatorob said:
I also had a younger brother like that. He just moved from one place to another living off of others. He lived with us for a while, it was pretty clear he had no intentions of working or doing much of anything...

Not long after he moved out of our house, at our urging, he ran out of places to live and committed suicide.

I feel a bit guilt about it, if I had known what was coming I would not have pushed him out. Life can be hard.
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Geeze, I'm sorry Alligatorob. But can I say, you should have no guilt. The abuse forum I go to is full of manipulative suicide threats that people use. Usually against their adult children and even when the children were still minors. The thing is, people like your brother and others lack insight. They have no idea what they do to others and really don't care because they can't process it.

If I'm hurtful to another person, even if I'm just irritable, I feel bad for it. If I apologized or not, I still internally berate myself for it. But they can't. They will use people to their end. Bottomless pits, black holes. That's what borderlines are considered by their victims. I've also heard the term 'emotional vampire.' And it's real.

I'm so very sorry for what you endured. You feel bad because of your own caring conscious. But I wonder if it was inevitable. One day, one way or another. Sadly, you brother sounds like one messed up person. He's gone but you didn't do it.
 
Flaneuse said:
And that's what I worry about.
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I understand, but it sounds like you are not pushing her out. You only have limited responsibly for what your sister does, don't let it drag you down.

Every situation is different, I have no idea what your sister is capable of...

In my brother's case he pulled the family and friends down for years, not sure if it was worse before or after...
 
Flaneuse said:
I've posted before about my younger sister. She's been depressed for five years, potentially suicidal, saying there is no reason to go on living if there is no joy in life. I have paid out approximately $16k over the past year for therapy sessions for her and have said I can't afford it any longer, which she seems to accept. She lives with me because she has no assets and a pathetically small social security income and would be homeless if she weren't here. But I'm getting so tired of it. *She never seems to stop asking for more.* I have a lot of airline miles that have accumulated because I didn't travel during the pandemic. She has said she hasn't been able to get a good night's sleep because of the dogs (who are here partly because she wanted them and have always slept with her - and she has encouraged their dependence on her) so I offered to use airline miles to get her a hotel room for a night. She turned that down and then said she'd like to use miles for a trip to South Africa to visit an elephant sanctuary, saying she hasn't had a vacation in 10 years. Well, she hasn't worked during those years and I mentioned to her that even using miles, flights cost money (taxes and fuel fees) and the rest of the trip costs money too. I guess she just intends to charge it up on her credit card and then later complain that she has huge credit card debt.

I know I'm rambling/venting but I am at my wit's end. I have worked all my life to have a comfortable retirement. I am probably far too generous with her and it seems she now thinks she's entitled to my generosity. I can't kick her out because she really would be on the streets and at 74 years old, that's no place for her. I'm learning to say no and have no plans to let her use my miles for travel - I have my own travel plans for the year. But it is hard to say no. I'm not responsible for her and the bad choices she has made in her life, but she is my sister and I can't ignore that fact. People have said that just because we share parents doesn't mean I have to take care of her, but I'm trying to have some compassion for someone who has totally messed up her life and never learned to take responsibility - the downside of being the cute baby of the family.

As I said - just venting and maybe looking for some support. I'm not going to kick her out - I just need the strength to continue to say no - and not feel guilty about it.
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Depression is a terrible disease. Amung other things, it alters the perception of fairness. One of the issues is, there is no way for her to truly communicate with you, not least because she's confused, living day to day. You speak a lot about money, and I get it, I really do. But what she needs more is to get rebalanced. I don't know about the counseling, but I wonder if the two of you need it.

The thing is, she lacks the ability to communicate, she's trapped. So there are fantastical ideas, runaway trains, and unrealistic outcomes. Depression is a monster.
 

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