Not that anyone is asking

I am just going say, she does not listen, does things her own way. I hope you have made it clear she will do things your way in your home. She is not a guest to be babied. She should also at the least be prepared to contribute to the utilities and food cost. Also help with the cleaning etc. Is there a reason she can't work full time or have 2 part time jobs. She needs to realize she needs to learn to depend on herself not others. She let this happen by refusing to face the reality after your Mom passed. She should have acted then, saved money, found a place she could afford. Did she think by some magic the bank would give her the house?

Sorry, I know it is none of my business but it bothers me that she has turned to newlyweds, that just bought their own home for help. This should be a special time in your life and now, when you deserve to be able to relax, enjoy each other, you have a new roommate. Also, I don't want CPS to take some bad view of it to keep Pax away. You know how they are, they come up with any excuse to be difficult. Forgive me, I just know I have seen things go way wrong by someone who does not want to grow up.
 

Bonnie moved in with us mainly because no one else in the family would have her. :LOL:

Yeah, we all told her this would happen and she should have started looking for a place back when mom died I think she does believe in magic. On the positive side, she likes to cook. Downside of that is, she's none too quick with the clean-up. But I did notice this morning that she cleaned up the bathroom real good before she left for work...after spending 2 hours in there doing her hair and make-up...and that's never happened before, so that's a good sign. I'm not confident that'll last, though, but we'll see.

If we tell her to shape up, she will. That's not a problem, it's just that it only lasts until you have to tell her again. When she gets tired of being told, that's when she'll really get serious about finding a place of her own, so that part's kind of a win-win.

We did ask her to help with groceries because, even though she's petite, that lady eats a lot. But we want her to save up for when she moves, so we're not charging her anything for utilities, and also, she'll be putting 2/3 of her monthly income into an account at my bank in my name. She's not even a co-signer or authorized user. She doesn't have a bank account, so since I'll be cashing her paychecks at my bank, she won't miss a single payment.

Yeah, believe it or not, Bonnie is 50yrs-old and has never had a bank account and got her very first drivers license only 8 years ago. And she's not retarded. (sincere apologies to the developmentally disabled if my terminology is unacceptable)

Truth is, she and I have always been close. I made choices in life that "held me back," as our much more successful (financially) brothers put it, and my door was always open to Bonnie even when she was little. She's only a couple years older than my oldest son. When she was a tot, she'd stay with me and my little family for days at a time. She stayed with us for a few months when she was 15, and when she was 17, and then she got married. She's been married a few times and has 3 adult kids. They live in San Fransisco and Los Angeles.

What I'm saying is, I know her pretty well. I understand her. I won't let her upset my wife in any way. Michelle likes Bonnie, but Bonnie can be a pain. She's abnormally energetic and kinda screwy, but she definitely has a sweet side. She always means well, know what I mean?...Good Intentions, not always well-planned. :p

Thank you, Blessed.
 
Murrmurr said:
Bonnie moved in with us mainly because no one else in the family would have her. :LOL:

Yeah, we all told her this would happen and she should have started looking for a place back when mom died I think she does believe in magic. On the positive side, she likes to cook. Downside of that is, she's none too quick with the clean-up. But I did notice this morning that she cleaned up the bathroom real good before she left for work...after spending 2 hours in there doing her hair and make-up...and that's never happened before, so that's a good sign. I'm not confident that'll last, though, but we'll see.

If we tell her to shape up, she will. That's not a problem, it's just that it only lasts until you have to tell her again. When she gets tired of being told, that's when she'll really get serious about finding a place of her own, so that part's kind of a win-win.

We did ask her to help with groceries because, even though she's petite, that lady eats a lot. But we want her to save up for when she moves, so we're not charging her anything for utilities, and also, she'll be putting 2/3 of her monthly income into an account at my bank in my name. She's not even a co-signer or authorized user. She doesn't have a bank account, so since I'll be cashing her paychecks at my bank, she won't miss a single payment.

Yeah, believe it or not, Bonnie is 50yrs-old and has never had a bank account and got her very first drivers license only 8 years ago. And she's not retarded. (sincere apologies to the developmentally disabled if my terminology is unacceptable)

Truth is, she and I have always been close. I made choices in life that "held me back," as our much more successful (financially) brothers put it, and my door was always open to Bonnie even when she was little. She's only a couple years older than my oldest son. When she was a tot, she'd stay with me and my little family for days at a time. She stayed with us for a few months when she was 15, and when she was 17, and then she got married. She's been married a few times and has 3 adult kids. They live in San Fransisco and Los Angeles.

What I'm saying is, I know her pretty well. I understand her. I won't let her upset my wife in any way. Michelle likes Bonnie, but Bonnie can be a pain. She's abnormally energetic and kinda screwy, but she definitely has a sweet side. She always means well, know what I mean?...Good Intentions, not always well-planned. :p

Thank you, Blessed.
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Well you have it under control to say the least, I was just worried she would take advantage of you since that seems to be her way of life. I just don't want her to upset your wonderful life and how hard you and Michele have worked for everything you have.
 

Lewkat said:
Being the really big brother, Frank, you are more like a father figure to her. Since she was a "daddy's girl" to begin with, be careful here.
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That's kind of true, actually. Whenever Bonnie wasn't getting along with mom, she'd come to my house. After dad had his second stroke, she came to my house. But it was like she just needed to get away from home for a while, and she's never asked me for money or anything. While she was married, she visited me and my kids just now and then...like normal, you know?

But I'll be mindful.
 
Murrmurr said:
That's kind of true, actually. Whenever Bonnie wasn't getting along with mom, she'd come to my house. After dad had his second stroke, she came to my house. But it was like she just needed to get away from home for a while, and she's never asked me for money or anything. While she was married, she visited me and my kids just now and then...like normal, you know?

But I'll be mindful.
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I think it's the way of things. The youngest is always the baby no matter how old they are! :)
 
Trish said:
I think it's the way of things. The youngest is always the baby no matter how old they are! :)
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She was on and off drugs and/or alcohol over a long period, too. For a big chunk of her adult life, in fact, which is not uncommon among babies of the family. After I found out Bonnie was into that scene, she wasn't welcome at my house at all. She's been totally clean and sober for about 10 years.

Guess who her drug-buddy was? My parents' long-time next door neighbor, Paxton's grandmother, Jackie.

Jackie got clean first, a couple years or so before Bonnie did...so like 12 years ago. I think I've mentioned that about Jackie. She and Bonnie were really tight until Jackie got sober. They're pretty good friends now, but they avoided each other for a number of years...to make sure they didn't backslide, I suppose.

Jackie's daughter, Tara, is Paxton's mother. I know I've mentioned that before. Tara and Bonnie's oldest son, Mike, dated for a short while when they were in high school. Tara met Paxton's father, Cole, after they finished high school, and so did Mike. Mike and Cole became really good friends, and that's how I met Cole; Tara was pregnant and Mike asked me to help his friend Cole get a job.

So, my sister Bonnie is a friend of Paxton's grandmother, and her son was a friend of Paxton's father and briefly dated his mother, and I got acquainted with Paxton's father when I tried to help him find work. And that all played into how this old man became Paxton's foster dad.
 
Murrmurr said:
She was on and off drugs and/or alcohol over a long period, too. For a big chunk of her adult life, in fact, which is not uncommon among babies of the family. After I found out Bonnie was into that scene, she wasn't welcome at my house at all. She's been totally clean and sober for about 10 years.

Guess who her drug-buddy was? My parents' long-time next door neighbor, Paxton's grandmother, Jackie.

Jackie got clean first, a couple years or so before Bonnie did...so like 12 years ago. I think I've mentioned that about Jackie. She and Bonnie were really tight until Jackie got sober. They're pretty good friends now, but they avoided each other for a number of years...to make sure they didn't backslide, I suppose.

Jackie's daughter, Tara, is Paxton's mother. I know I've mentioned that before. Tara and Bonnie's oldest son, Mike, dated for a short while when they were in high school. Tara met Paxton's father, Cole, after they finished high school, and so did Mike. Mike and Cole became really good friends, and that's how I met Cole; Tara was pregnant and Mike asked me to help his friend Cole get a job.

So, my sister Bonnie is a friend of Paxton's grandmother, and her son was a friend of Paxton's father and briefly dated his mother, and I got acquainted with Paxton's father when I tried to help him find work. And that all played into how this old man became Paxton's foster dad.
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Interesting background story @Murrmurr
I hope all works out with your sister living with you .. hopefully, she will pull her weight and do her share
around the house. You are a good brother :)
 
Pinky said:
Interesting background story @Murrmurr
I hope all works out with your sister living with you .. hopefully, she will pull her weight and do her share
around the house. You are a good brother :)
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I'll probably have to do most the online searches and help her fill in applications for a rental, but that's alright. If I don't, it might not get done.
 
Holy F, that is a surprise to me. You knew all these people, their pasts and addictions. You are a brave, loving, kind man to have Paxton come to you for being a foster parent. God knows you did it out of your loving, kind spirit and you did a great job getting this boy off to a good start in life. I guess, my question is does CPS know all of this? It might be the reason you have been treated so bad by them. That does not make them right but I could understand why they might take a pause to give you unlimited access to Pax.

After everything you and Pax have been through have you sought therapy? It might be a good answer considering that you had knowledge of Pax's bio family when he came to you as a foster child. The whole thing IMO is mind is a messed up situation. Were you up front about your relationships you had with the adults involved? Did you hide anything from the agency when it came to being appointed as foster parent for Pax? I think not, you were truthful about all of it, they saw you as a good, reliable, loving foster parent for Pax.

What they failed to realize is the situation would get out of hand. Paxton's bio parents would not be able to complete rehab. get off drugs and become responsible adults able to be parents to their child. That has led to Pax and the twins being lost in the system. Jackie and you are being pushed to the side because of your association with the childrens parents. Jackie would never be considered due to her past. Worse yet, is although you are the best choice for Pax, you will not get a chance due to association with the bio family.

I hate to say it but you may have to stand down, does not mean you don't love this little boy, I know you do. I know that living in your home with you and Michele being Mom and Dad and raising Pax as your own would be the right thing for this child. I see little hope of that happening, little hope that you will be able to see Pax on a regular basis.

I know you know this already but is a hard pill to swallow. It is time to prepare to let go, he will not forget you, more than likely he will access his records when he comes of age. He will show up at your front door saying Uncle Fwank, I missed you so much, thank you for loving me so much!!! Then you will be officially allowed to call him son, part of your family for life.
 
Yesterday, Melanie text me the phone number of Paxton's CASA person. CASA stands for Court Appointed Special Advocate. Soon after Mel text me this lady's number, the lady called me. She said that after Mel and Tony told her about me, she was "intrigued," so when Mel told her I asked for her number, she called me in case I decided not to call her.

I told her everything about me and Paxton, and the twins, too. I covered all of our 4 years, all three custody seizures, all 3 foster situations, everything that happened after both re-unifications, and I detailed the weirdness of my last visit with Paxton....the one at the Jackson visitors center, when he looked at me like he'd given up on everything.

This CASA lady was the person who picked up the kids after the visit that day, and she noticed it, too; his "change in demeanor," as she put it.

One of the things I told CASA lady was that I know that the first right in the state's Child Bill of Rights says the state will protect the child's right to contact with family, including unrelated people who are considered family. They have a term for that, like a title, and I forget what it is but it's the title CPS gave me, and it's documented....in Sacramento County. Anyway, I pointed out that Paxton has told multiple people multiple times that he wants to see me, and nobody protected his right to do that.

She asked me who did Paxton say this to, and I named his case-workers, social workers, his teachers, his bus drivers, his doctors, and his attorney. And she said that not one person has mentioned me at all. She meets with his "care team" as often as 3 times a month, and no one has ever said "Uncle Frank," or even just Frank, or even "that old former foster parent guy."

In the end, she told me to tell his social worker exactly what I told her. She told me to avoid being aggressive, and she strongly hinted I should leave out the "violation of rights" bit, but she said I should contact the caseworker asap and ask for 1-on-1 visits with Paxton. And she said she took notes during our conversation, and that "Uncle Frank" will definitely be the topic of the next team meeting.
 
Blessed said:
Holy F, that is a surprise to me. You knew all these people, their pasts and addictions. You are a brave, loving, kind man to have Paxton come to you for being a foster parent. God knows you did it out of your loving, kind spirit and you did a great job getting this boy off to a good start in life. I guess, my question is does CPS know all of this? It might be the reason you have been treated so bad by them. That does not make them right but I could understand why they might take a pause to give you unlimited access to Pax.

After everything you and Pax have been through have you sought therapy? It might be a good answer considering that you had knowledge of Pax's bio family when he came to you as a foster child. The whole thing IMO is mind is a messed up situation. Were you up front about your relationships you had with the adults involved? Did you hide anything from the agency when it came to being appointed as foster parent for Pax? I think not, you were truthful about all of it, they saw you as a good, reliable, loving foster parent for Pax.

What they failed to realize is the situation would get out of hand. Paxton's bio parents would not be able to complete rehab. get off drugs and become responsible adults able to be parents to their child. That has led to Pax and the twins being lost in the system. Jackie and you are being pushed to the side because of your association with the childrens parents. Jackie would never be considered due to her past. Worse yet, is although you are the best choice for Pax, you will not get a chance due to association with the bio family.

I hate to say it but you may have to stand down, does not mean you don't love this little boy, I know you do. I know that living in your home with you and Michele being Mom and Dad and raising Pax as your own would be the right thing for this child. I see little hope of that happening, little hope that you will be able to see Pax on a regular basis.

I know you know this already but is a hard pill to swallow. It is time to prepare to let go, he will not forget you, more than likely he will access his records when he comes of age. He will show up at your front door saying Uncle Fwank, I missed you so much, thank you for loving me so much!!! Then you will be officially allowed to call him son, part of your family for life.
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Yes, CPS knows how I know Paxton's family. They like the idea that we're all acquainted. It's one of the reasons Sacramento CPS placed him with me when he was an infant.

I asked his Amador caseworker if it's why I wasn't getting visitation, and she said no. All she's ever said when I've asked about visits is "We're working on it."
 
This is looking hopeful again.

Murrmurr said:
In the end, she told me to tell his social worker exactly what I told her. She told me to avoid being aggressive, and she strongly hinted I should leave out the "violation of rights" bit, but she said I should contact the caseworker asap and ask for 1-on-1 visits with Paxton. And she said she took notes during our conversation, and that "Uncle Frank" will definitely be the topic of the next team meeting.
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Follow this advice. Any sign of aggression and all these folks will be leery of you. They don’t know it comes from love of Pax.
 
Murrmurr said:
Yesterday, Melanie text me the phone number of Paxton's CASA person. CASA stands for Court Appointed Special Advocate. Soon after Mel text me this lady's number, the lady called me. She said that after Mel and Tony told her about me, she was "intrigued," so when Mel told her I asked for her number, she called me in case I decided not to call her.

I told her everything about me and Paxton, and the twins, too. I covered all of our 4 years, all three custody seizures, all 3 foster situations, everything that happened after both re-unifications, and I detailed the weirdness of my last visit with Paxton....the one at the Jackson visitors center, when he looked at me like he'd given up on everything.

This CASA lady was the person who picked up the kids after the visit that day, and she noticed it, too; his "change in demeanor," as she put it.

One of the things I told CASA lady was that I know that the first right in the state's Child Bill of Rights says the state will protect the child's right to contact with family, including unrelated people who are considered family. They have a term for that, like a title, and I forget what it is but it's the title CPS gave me, and it's documented....in Sacramento County. Anyway, I pointed out that Paxton has told multiple people multiple times that he wants to see me, and nobody protected his right to do that.

She asked me who did Paxton say this to, and I named his case-workers, social workers, his teachers, his bus drivers, his doctors, and his attorney. And she said that not one person has mentioned me at all. She meets with his "care team" as often as 3 times a month, and no one has ever said "Uncle Frank," or even just Frank, or even "that old former foster parent guy."

In the end, she told me to tell his social worker exactly what I told her. She told me to avoid being aggressive, and she strongly hinted I should leave out the "violation of rights" bit, but she said I should contact the caseworker asap and ask for 1-on-1 visits with Paxton. And she said she took notes during our conversation, and that "Uncle Frank" will definitely be the topic of the next team meeting.
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Don't give up Frank - it's been and continues to be a difficult journey but, keep the faith and hopefully you will get there in the end (y)
 
My MIL was a CASA advocate/ representative once she retired. Her working career was in child developement so it was a perfect match for her to continue to contribute as a volunteer. She loved being to help children in need but she never discussed any family she was working with. We all knew what she did and understood these people had a right to privacy during these situations. No questions were ever asked by all of the family but there were times she was rattled but we kept silent. I thought CASA was just a Texas thing makes me happy to know it is a national program. An independent third party should be watching and giving an unbiased opionion in every case.
 
Blessed said:
My MIL was a CASA advocate/ representative once she retired. Her working career was in child developement so it was a perfect match for her to continue to contribute as a volunteer. She loved being to help children in need but she never discussed any family she was working with. We all knew what she did and understood these people had a right to privacy during these situations. No questions were ever asked by all of the family but there were times she was rattled but we kept silent. I thought CASA was just a Texas thing makes me happy to know it is a national program. An independent third party should be watching and giving an unbiased opionion in every case.
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Yeah, I'm not actually supposed to post pics and name names here on Senior Forum. I've changed some names, then forgot what I changed them to, so that didn't work. But CPS isn't gonna snoop around here, so not a big deal.
 
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