Helping VS enabling

D

Disgustedman

Senior Member
I was talking with our caretakers/security and discussing their plans to straighten up people's areas. I had considered offering to approach a previous employer and securing some storage totes.

But later talking with others, I was advised that my intent wasn't helping, it was enabling. These people had 4-7 coolers, various boxes (Steel, Plastic, tool) and they really didn't NEED them.

What was needed, was to confront the hoarding, downsizing their collection and having a neater area to live with.

It just shows me I still have a lot to learn regarding what someone has VS their needs.
 

Disgustedman said:
I was talking with our caretakers/security and discussing their plans to straighten up people's areas. I had considered offering to approach a previous employer and securing some storage totes.

But later talking with others, I was advised that my intent wasn't helping, it was enabling. These people had 4-7 coolers, various boxes (Steel, Plastic, tool) and they really didn't NEED them.

What was needed, was to confront the hoarding, downsizing their collection and having a neater area to live with.

It just shows me I still have a lot to learn regarding what someone has VS their needs.
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But when you have so little, you feel you need everything.....
 
Disgustedman said:
I was talking with our caretakers/security and discussing their plans to straighten up people's areas. I had considered offering to approach a previous employer and securing some storage totes.

But later talking with others, I was advised that my intent wasn't helping, it was enabling. These people had 4-7 coolers, various boxes (Steel, Plastic, tool) and they really didn't NEED them.

What was needed, was to confront the hoarding, downsizing their collection and having a neater area to live with.

It just shows me I still have a lot to learn regarding what someone has VS their needs.
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That was kind of you to try to help. You are a good man.
 

It's like giving an alcoholic a drink, or a drug addict some dope... you're trying to stop them being in pain.. or in great need... but by providing it, you're making the problem worse in the long run..
 
We know a man who will say he would really like something but doesn't have the money, so my husband will give it to him. It has taken a while to get husband to not try to solve every problem someone else has. We help this man by taking him shopping a few times a month and exchange garden starts in the Spring. But, he has made his life choices and we can't fix things for him because that trains him to just ask for more.
 
It breaks my heart that so many people, especially older people are living this way, you included. Just as you struggle, so many others that are in better positions think they are struggling. People do need a stable roof over their heads, heat, cooling, water, electricity, an oven, fridge. Those are just basics that should be available to every human. It does not need to be large, fancy, outfitted with everything most of take for granted. there should be a reasonable laundry area. As taxpayers we are contributing to those that need help with medical care, food but we seem to be lacking in providing a home to those that need it. I just don't understand why the powers that be are not out their looking, interviewing those that need and would meet the requirements for low cost housing. I am advocating for druggies, criminals but for older people and responsible people with young children. How do they decide who gets placed @Disgustedman?
 
Muskrat said:
I am the Enabler Queen. When you learn how to stop clue me in…
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Look in the mirror and practice saying "NO". You cannot live someone else's pain.
I went to a women's meeting one night and the speaker got on the floor on all fours, instructing us to put a foot on her back as wiggled and complained. But, when she stood up, we could no longer keep our feet on her back.
 
I want others to have help but I don't think I can make a difference. I do donate to food pantries, clothing and household goods but have come to the realization that this is not going to the people that need it. I might be better off to go to encampments passing out food, blankets and toiletries. I do not mind helping I just want to make sure it gets to those that need it.
 
My husband has been volunteering for a food pantry/ free store for about 20 years now and he's aware of this problem all the time. He and the woman he works with who directs the center simply tell themselves that they have to deal with a lot of charity abusers so that they'll be there for the ones who really need it.

Yes, the same people come by, week after week, taking stuff home just to hoard it and others may come to the food pantry for food, so they can sell their food stamps for drug money, but they remind themselves of the children that wouldn't have decent school clothes if it wasn't for them and the learning disabled man who comes from time to time and simply says, 'Hungry," until they find food for him.

I don't think charity ever really goes amiss. If nothing else it's good for us to give. Conditions like addiction and various mental illnesses exist and it's not for us to cure them. If we ease their pain for a few hours, where's the harm in that. Has any alcoholic every stood up in an AA meeting and said, "I quit drinking because I ran out of booze?" I don't think so, they quit when they hit bottom or go to a rehab center, it's when they are ready to quit, not when we deny them. I'm not advocating giving them bottles of wine but I wouldn't lose sleep thinking they might have spent the money I gave them on it.

Disgustedman said:
What was needed, was to confront the hoarding, downsizing their collection and having a neater area to live with.
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I've watched every episode of "Hoarders" and if I've learned anything it's that hoarding is one of the most incurable mental problems there is. We all would love to see them throw out the junk and organize what's left, but it simply wont last and some become so depressed without their stuff they commit suicide. I think your totes idea was fine. what they will do with them is probably what's called "churning" which means moving stuff from one place to another, but at least it would give a bit of organization to it all and if they just put more stuff in them who cares?

Long story short, I don't really think we need to worry too much about enabling. JMHO
 
Disgustedman said:
I was talking with our caretakers/security and discussing their plans to straighten up people's areas. I had considered offering to approach a previous employer and securing some storage totes.

But later talking with others, I was advised that my intent wasn't helping, it was enabling. These people had 4-7 coolers, various boxes (Steel, Plastic, tool) and they really didn't NEED them.

What was needed, was to confront the hoarding, downsizing their collection and having a neater area to live with.

It just shows me I still have a lot to learn regarding what someone has VS their needs.
Click to expand...
:) I am grateful that I am never confronted, or told what I need or don't need. I am left in peace to live as I wish.
**I never talk to myself.
Oh, SHUT up!
No, YOU shut up!!**
 
Disgustedman said:
I was talking with our caretakers/security and discussing their plans to straighten up people's areas. I had considered offering to approach a previous employer and securing some storage totes.

But later talking with others, I was advised that my intent wasn't helping, it was enabling. These people had 4-7 coolers, various boxes (Steel, Plastic, tool) and they really didn't NEED them.

What was needed, was to confront the hoarding, downsizing their collection and having a neater area to live with.

It just shows me I still have a lot to learn regarding what someone has VS their needs.
Click to expand...
You're trying to help. That's a good thing.
 
Blessed said:
. I just don't understand why the powers that be are not out their looking, interviewing those that need and would meet the requirements for low cost housing. I am advocating for druggies, criminals but for older people and responsible people with young children. How do they decide who gets placed @Disgustedman?
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As I have responded to you, also here.

We have "Council for the homeless" that's the "Clearing house" all housing goes through them and they recently lost 30% of staff, so they're stretched thin.

Then there's active churches, I know of 5 who come, feed, clothe, offer support to the various camps. Then there's "Outreach" these are the "Boots on the ground" types.

Example of church help

Monday/Friday Baptist church (food, water socks)
Tuesday (other baptist) food/water/bibles
Wednesday Salvation Army Hot food, water, sack lunch/dinner
Thursday Living Hope Church food like crazy, frozen meat, canned 7-11/Walmart/Safeway expired doughnuts, bread, water, blankets, veggies, eggs, sanitary supplies (females) and hand soap, laundry soap.
Saturday (sometimes more 7-11 stuff)
Sunday none.

They have seen/heard/witnessed it all, from a individual asking for a sandwich to a suspected child molesting occurrence happening, also domestic abuse violence and lack of parental involvement.

They deal with the tent people the homeless in cars the homeless in camps the homeless out on the street if you reach out for help they're the ones to lend you a hand they will start the process.

But the first step for many is to say "Please help me" and few want to change their lives by working, saving and "Putting off for tomorrow" it's understandable that their situation is deplorable, but drug use doesn't help.

It's when they get tired of sleeping in bushes, wet clothing and expired food is when they realize, they can make their life better, but they need to take action themselves.
 
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Remy said:
I enable those cats at work. I don't want them going after birds so I keep enabling them with food and fresh water.

Don't get me started on my two at home.
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You aren't fooling anyone, you take care of those cats because you love animals and don't like to see them suffer. I just wish they could be spayed and neutered so babies are not born into hardship.
 
Blessed said:
You aren't fooling anyone, you take care of those cats because you love animals and don't like to see them suffer. I just wish they could be spayed and neutered so babies are not born into hardship.
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The 3 long term ones are. 2 male, 1 female. They were fixed by a local organization that the local PAWS thrift store helps fund. They have been there over 8 years according to one employee. A newer one has shown up. He is not fixed. I haven't seen him since the gulch is full of water. I hope he is OK. I'm not good at asking for help. When the guy who was feeding these cats quit, I called the woman who runs the PAWS store because they know each other and she was not nice to me and that's putting it lightly.
 
I think sometimes there's a fine line between what some would label "enabling" and what would actually turn out to be a hand up for someone who was truly in need. It's often very hard or even impossible to tell which side of the line a gesture would fall on. (Oh my goodness, do I sound like a fortune cookie or what?! :rolleyes:)

In any case, you're a good man for wanting to help others, @Disgustedman . (y)
 

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