Wills and inheirtance

Such a heartache that the sister could not appreciate her brother for taking care of their Mom. This happens often, when a child is faced with the fact that they chose not to be a part of the care of an aging parent. Children should not think that they would be not in the will when they are not involved in the care of their parents. They think parents should leave things equally to all the children. Your MIL did make the appropriate decision in her will.

I did not face such a thing, although my SIL seemed to be angry that my husband chose to have life insurance for me and had made my husband the executor of her will. MIL passed a week after my husband. MIL chose her other son after my husband. The golden daughter was not chosen to handle the estate and she just fell apart. My husband had just died and she was calling me asking me about Mom's bank accounts. We still do not speak, she is still mad that she was last choice to handle things.
 

Alligatorob said:
Yes, it often is best. No one deserves inheritance, it’s just luck
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My daughter 100% deserves it. The world is not the same place as it used to be and it’s harder and harder and harder for people to make it in life and old age is scarier and scarier. I want her to have every leg up possible. If I am lucky enough to have anything left when I die, I gladly give it to my deserving and wonderful daughter.
 
Oh, I don’t know if you would want to open that can of worms. My very wealthy uncle died 7 years ago now and had 4 children, which are my cousins. Two of them have done very well for themselves while the other two have struggled financially to get through life. When it came close to my uncle’s time, he knew at 88 his time was drawing near the end, he had a conversation with me about how to split the estate. I asked him if he shouldn’t be having this conversation with his lawyer. He said , no, this was family matters.

He wanted my opinion. The problem is that the 2 kids that haven’t done well financially was mostly because they spent $2 for every $1 they had. I suggested maybe give them all a fair share, but maybe in portions. Maybe something like one-fourth every 5 years or something to that effect. It would be up to him. Just a few years later, he did pass. I never knew how he handled the estate, until just about a month ago.

My one cousin had told me her dad wrote in the will that he was equally dividing the assets among the 4 children after he gave money to his church, the local Veterans Association and 2 close friends. They would get their money paid one-fourth every 8 years. I was shocked, but my cousin thought it was a great idea. I never discussed with her the conversation that I had with her dad.
 

If you choose to divide unequally be aware that inequality opens the door for litigation. Create two things…a trust and a document that explains the reasons for the division in great detail. Then hire a executor for the trust that is not a relative. Or ask that upon your death the court appoints a trustee. Or make the trust/will equal. Believe me…this can be a real battle after your passing. You can also gift up to ten thousand per year to each of your chosen recipients prior to your death and reduce your estate in this way.
 
Muskrat said:
If you choose to divide unequally be aware that inequality opens the door for litigation. Create two things…a trust and a document that explains the reasons for the division in great detail. Then hire a executor for the trust that is not a relative. Or ask that upon your death the court appoints a trustee. Or make the trust/will equal. Believe me…this can be a real battle after your passing. You can also gift up to ten thousand per year to each of your chosen recipients prior to your death and reduce your estate in this way.
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Excellent advice. I believe the gift amount has been raised to $16,000 a year now.
 
2 sons and 1 daughter - sons live in the UK; daughter lives 40 miles away with over night visits twice/month. A joint account with my daughter was set up for her to access for shopping/gas/other expenses on my behalf. I emailed my sons about the joint account (to be up-front).
 
kaydee said:
Well I have one child that wont speak to me at all and has treated me badly for years, the other 2 love me, but one has social anxiety issues and I think he should have a trust.
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This is your first thread after your introduction. We don’t know you but you did write that if you died tomorrow, nobody would even notice you were gone and that your brother recently died and nobody found him until welfare did a check up. To me this suggests that you aren’t close to anyone in your family or otherwise.

One child won’t speak to you, one child has social issues who you claim needs a trust fund. Is the child who has social issues a boy and the one who left a girl?

Often in family dynamics there’s a golden child who is favoured and one who is shunned and treated like the black sheep. All the dysfunction the family doesn’t want to face gets assigned to the ‘black sheep.’ They are trouble after all, so it only makes sense. 🥺

Leaving one child out of your will is actually your last stab at your child from the grave. It’s all about your ego feeling better about the family dynamics. Basically it’s a selfish and arrogant way of revenge on one of your own before you actually leave this earth.


Is it possible YOU might be part of the reason your other child left home? There’s two sides to every story.
 
Before my grandmother died, she had 5 possible heirs, all of whom were quite poor. I'll list them according to quality of her relationship with them (in my opinion).

1. Grandchild who was closely involved in her life.

2. Teenage great-grandchild who lived far away but had a good relationship with her.

3. Grandchild who didn't have much to do with her.

4. Grandchild who was always asking for (and receiving) large amounts of money.

5. Grandchild who had nothing to do with her. (My grandmother considered cutting this person out of her will, but an adviser convinced her not to.)

Her will divided her money equally among the 4 grandchildren, with a codicil specifying a pitifully small amount for the great-grandchild, who could have used some money to get a start in life (e.g., university). I never understood why my grandmother did this.
 
PeppermintPatty said:
This is your first thread after your introduction. We don’t know you but you did write that if you died tomorrow, nobody would even notice you were gone and that your brother recently died and nobody found him until welfare did a check up. To me this suggests that you aren’t close to anyone in your family or otherwise.

One child won’t speak to you, one child has social issues who you claim needs a trust fund. Is the child who has social issues a boy and the one who left a girl?

Often in family dynamics there’s a golden child who is favoured and one who is shunned and treated like the black sheep. All the dysfunction the family doesn’t want to face gets assigned to the ‘black sheep.’ They are trouble after all, so it only makes sense. 🥺

Leaving one child out of your will is actually your last stab at your child from the grave. It’s all about your ego feeling better about the family dynamics. Basically it’s a selfish and arrogant way of revenge on one of your own before you actually leave this earth.


Is it possible YOU might be part of the reason your other child left home? There’s two sides to every story.
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The daughter who has nothing to do with me was the spoiled one. She got everything because her father and I were unable to conceive for years. She got her big wedding, college, cars, expensive jewelry, you name it. But.... I remarried, and my two sons came along.
She was resentful, mean spirited, and angry that she was no longer my special precious baby. After giving her a huge catholic wedding, she and her husband began life fairly happy.

My middle son is a good family man. Came along a bit later, but never resented his sister because there wasnt as much to pamper him with. He is career military and I think he has the what it takes to handle my estate. He realizes he has to make sure my last one is able to survive what can be a very difficult road for a special needs child.

Then my autistic son came a few years later. My middle son understood I had to spend unbelieveable money on medication and therapy, homeschooling etc.
My daughter was horrible to the "little evil spawn" who was "not normal" and yes, I put her in her place. This is when she pulled away. Many attempts to reconcile on my part were not recipicated. After 10 years. I gave up and decided I would wait for her to want her mother again. I do send her I love you calls and texts. Her birthday and holidays are always celebrated and she still receives gifts. But she can't get over what I said to her. I am at a loss.

As far as my brother goes, he has lived overseas in the Philippines for years, so keeping in touch regularly wasnt real possible.

I feel like I am at a loss as to what to do.... 😥
 
kaydee said:
The daughter who has nothing to do with me was the spoiled one. She got everything because her father and I were unable to conceive for years. She got her big wedding, college, cars, expensive jewelry, you name it. But.... I remarried, and my two sons came along.
She was resentful, mean spirited, and angry that she was no longer my special precious baby. After giving her a huge catholic wedding, she and her husband began life fairly happy.

My middle son is a good family man. Came along a bit later, but never resented his sister because there wasnt as much to pamper him with. He is career military and I think he has the what it takes to handle my estate. He realizes he has to make sure my last one is able to survive what can be a very difficult road for a special needs child.

Then my autistic son came a few years later. My middle son understood I had to spend unbelieveable money on medication and therapy, homeschooling etc.
My daughter was horrible to the "little evil spawn" who was "not normal" and yes, I put her in her place. This is when she pulled away. Many attempts to reconcile on my part were not recipicated. After 10 years. I gave up and decided I would wait for her to want her mother again. I do send her I love you calls and texts. Her birthday and holidays are always celebrated and she still receives gifts. But she can't get over what I said to her. I am at a loss.

As far as my brother goes, he has lived overseas in the Philippines for years, so keeping in touch regularly wasnt real possible.

I feel like I am at a loss as to what to do.... 😥
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I’m sorry you had to deal with this. We don’t know the story about you or your children. All we saw is that you want to disinherit one of them. Your reasoning sounds justified, not that it really matters to any of us. You need to do what feels best for you. I’ve no idea what raising a single child is like, let only three and one being autistic. It sounds like the middle son is responsible enough to make sure the youngest one is taken care of properly.

That would be a horrible decision to have to make now that you have explained it. I hope whatever decision you make, brings you peace and comfort.

I retract my judgementally opinions. They are tainted with my own personal experience.

Thank you for explaining.
 
PeppermintPatty said:
I’m sorry you had to deal with this. We don’t know the story about you or your children. All we saw is that you want to disinherit one of them. Your reasoning sounds justified, not that it really matters to any of us. You need to do what feels best for you. I’ve no idea what raising a single child is like, let only three and one being autistic. It sounds like the middle son is responsible enough to make sure the youngest one is taken care of properly.

That would be a horrible decision to have to make now that you have explained it. I hope whatever decision you make, brings you peace and comfort.

I retract my judgementally opinions. They are tainted with my own personal experience.

Thank you for explaining.
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It is what it is Patty. No hard feelings.:) Truthfully, I don't feel right shorting one of them, but feel as though I have to study the issue.
 
I don't know what will be left when my stepfather goes. I have his durable power of attorney for both financial and health. My brother does nothing on the other side of the country. Just where he wants to be with no responsibility. He'll just wait to see if a check arrives. He already got my stepfather's 1960's truck.

Leave anything you want to who you want. Your assets, your business. Just make sure it's taken care of legally if you fear anyone trying to challenge.

I have never told my brother about the power of attorney. I don't know if my stepfather has. I hope not.
 
mom and step father and a paternal aunt left me and my brothers money... dad left bills and stepmother had to declare bankruptcy and sell off everything and go live with her daughter..
 
I hate to sound mercenary, but a lot depends on how much you are leaving to your children. There's a big difference in $300 and $300,000. I have absolutely no knowledge of trusts, etc., but I do think you should provide for your autistic son first. Then what's left, if any, divide equally with the others. Your passing isn't the time for recriminations, you have to be a mom.
 
There are many people on the spectrum, they each have their own special traits. Many are brilliant, have done well in school and college. They have been employed and make a good living. I hope that was the case for your son. If not, if his autism prevents him from living a good normal life he would be the one that could benefit from inheritance. This is not just leave the estate to the third child, it needs to be set up in some kind of trust that will help him long term. His brother and sister should accept this. To make sure of how to handle this please meet with an attorney and a financial advisor.

I think of this often now. Maybe instead of leaving my estate to my son I could set up a trust that would provide for generations of our family to go to college or trade schools in areas that appeal to them I am not nor was my husband raised in families with money. We did not suffer or struggle during our marriage but we were both used to making do with what we did have. I am fairly certain that my DIL will inherit when her mom passes, There were many deaths in her Mom's family, Grandparents on both sides of the family, there seemed to be no ill feelings, I hope that is still the case.

I have everything to go to my son. All accounts but one is set up POD. I have recently been thinking that this may not be the best thing. I know DIL will inherit so maybe I should put my monies back go be used for future education of my grandchildren. What do you think of this as an option?
 
kaydee said:
Is it wrong to leave more of your assets to one child over another?
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By wording your question with the word "wrong" it shows you are feeling anxiety about it. The fact that you have a special needs child means that they will need more resources than the others. Given that, the ultimate decision about dividing your inheritance is yours. If you have been trying to get back together with the daughter all these years, and if you really meant it, you would split your inheritance to include her. If you did not mean it, and you do not include her in your inheritance, then it would seal the nail on the coffin as to your relationship with her, excuse the pun. If it were me, no matter how my children treated me, they still are flesh and blood. I would rather give to them than to strangers.
 

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