Indecision and Stupid Mistakes.

Remy

Remy

Well-known Member
Location
California, USA
I've watched some videos which say this can be caused by childhood trauma. In my case, it would make sense. But this daily anxiety and stress about nothing going right messes with my mind so much. The alternative is I'm a bad person and deserve what I get.

I completely bought the wrong house. If I still had it, it would be paid off but I couldn't stay there. First the neighbors. It was also in a mandatory evacuation 2 years ago due to fire. That area didn't burn but that's another stress I couldn't deal with. I should have never bought it and now going forward I fear and feel whatever decision I make, will be the wrong one.

I resent that my mother was retired by my age and my stepfather also. He retired at 55. That may be wrong but it's how I feel.
 

Remy said:
I've watched some videos which say this can be caused by childhood trauma. In my case, it would make sense. But this daily anxiety and stress about nothing going right messes with my mind so much. The alternative is I'm a bad person and deserve what I get.

I completely bought the wrong house. If I still had it, it would be paid off but I couldn't stay there. First the neighbors. It was also in a mandatory evacuation 2 years ago due to fire. That area didn't burn but that's another stress I couldn't deal with. I should have never bought it and now going forward I fear and feel whatever decision I make, will be the wrong one.

I resent that my mother was retired by my age and my stepfather also. He retired at 55. That may be wrong but it's how I feel.
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Remy
I can relate completely to how you feel. The other day I came across two saying which felt like part of a Devine intervention. The first ones a bit crumpled up but it says;

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You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn’t mean you’re defective~ it means you’re human. 💕

The other one is written on a piece of rock and it says;

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The mind is like water. When turbulent, it’s difficult to SEE. When it’s calm, everything becomes CLEAR!

I’ve made a LOT of decisions lately that I now regret and am doing my best to come to terms with them.
 

Thank you @PeppermintPatty My mind is often turbulent. When I'm stressed I can't turn it off. Last Friday when I worked, I was out of one thing after another. I ran around like a maniac to find what I needed and called to get it ordered. And yet I called myself names in my head all shift. All while the person or persons who left the mess may have been fine.
 
hearlady said:
Its ok to feel how you feel Remy. Can you get some help sorting all this out? And that's what it is, is sorting it out so you can look past it. 🌻
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Probably not. I've tried counseling in the past. While the one woman I went to said a few validating things, it didn't help me all that much. She is the one who told me my mother was a borderline personality disorder based on what I told her. And I know that to be 100% true now.

I can't afford therapy and it won't rewire back my brain anyway.
 
Remy said:
Thank you @PeppermintPatty My mind is often turbulent. When I'm stressed I can't turn it off. Last Friday when I worked, I was out of one thing after another. I ran around like a maniac to find what I needed and called to get it ordered. And yet I called myself names in my head all shift. All while the person or persons who left the mess may have been fine.
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My mind has been turbulent for so long that I think I got used to it. I’ve recently been put on some meds and it’s settled it down so much.

Meds won’t rewire your brain but they might be able to take the edge off your over thinking and help ease anxiety.


You’ve mentioned several times that you are stressed at work. Does your employment offer any benefits that you can use? If not, is it possible to get some type of help from the government? Benefits are created for people like you who need them. There’s a good chance that you could get financial help and get emotional support to help you retire early.

I’ve never been on government assistance but if I needed to, I’d accept whatever help I could.

I noticed you were in California and looked at some possible links that may offer help. You might not get instant help but if you’re persistent enough you’ll most likely get some.

I hope you don’t mind offering these links

Benefits & Services
https://www.cdss.ca.gov/benefits-serviced

https://www.cdss.ca.gov/general-assistance


https://www.benefits.gov/benefit/1229
 
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Remy, would you talk to a friend like you talk to yourself? I'll bet you wouldn't. You wouldn't beat them up. You'd try to help them by reassuring them that they're a good, worthwhile person. Try talking to yourself and treating yourself like you would a good friend. I know you were traumatized as a child and that it still haunts you, and it's very difficult to shake those memories. I hope you can find some help dealing with that.

Please stop beating yourself up, you don't deserve it. Give yourself a break. When this crap invades your mind, shove it out and replace it with kinder, gentler thoughts. Please try. I hate to see you do this to yourself. You're a very nice, sweet girl, and if you can't tell, the forum members love you!

The jackoffs at work are just that, jackoffs. The way they treat you says a great deal about what kind of people they are. They're the jerks, not you!

You are not your mother or your stepfather. The fact that you've stuck by that miserable bastard speaks volumes about your character, my dear girl. I think you're wonderful, and I wish you would treat yourself better.

You're far from stupid, everyone makes mistakes. That doesn't make you a bad person! You had some bad luck with your house, and none of it was your fault. Take it easy on yourself and take your time. You're more than capable of making the decisions you have to make. I have every confidence in you. 🤗

Bella ✌️
 
Bella said:
Remy, would you talk to a friend like you talk to yourself? I'll bet you wouldn't. You wouldn't beat them up. You'd try to help them by reassuring them that they're a good, worthwhile person. Try talking to yourself and treating yourself like you would a good friend. I know you were traumatized as a child and that it still haunts you, and it's very difficult to shake those memories. I hope you can find some help dealing with that.

Please stop beating yourself up, you don't deserve it. Give yourself a break. When this crap invades your mind, shove it out and replace it with kinder, gentler thoughts. Please try. I hate to see you do this to yourself. You're a very nice, sweet girl, and if you can't tell, the forum members love you!

The jackoffs at work are just that, jackoffs. The way they treat you says a great deal about what kind of people they are. They're the jerks, not you!

You are not your mother or your stepfather. The fact that you've stuck by that miserable bastard speaks volumes about your character, my dear girl. I think you're wonderful, and I wish you would treat yourself better.

You're far from stupid, everyone makes mistakes. That doesn't make you a bad person! You had some bad luck with your house, and none of it was your fault. Take it easy on yourself and take your time. You're more than capable of making the decisions you have to make. I have every confidence in you. 🤗

Bella ✌️
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Pepper said:
Remy. I think you're wonderful. I look forward to reading everything you have to say. I'm sorry life dealt you bad. If it helps, I'm rather effed up myself.
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I agree, Remy, I hope things get better for you, hugs.
 
I go every couple of months to the Hospital to see my Psychiatrist.

Outside of his office is a bulletin board for the Eating Disorder Clinic. One visit while I was fluidly psychotic I wrote down on a piece of paper and pinned this to the board...

"Everyone is born with a gift, and there would be one less colour in the Rainbow without you."

I wrote and pinned that unsigned statement over 5 years ago. Nobody has touched it in half a decade. It's still there! :)
 
Nathan said:
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I have to add to this that when I flew for a living, I almost constantly talked to myself when I had control of the plane. All flights have at least two pilots in the cockpit; one flies the plane while the other pilot takes care of communications and watches the instruments. When I would be the pilot flying, I spoke to myself, asked myself questions and answered them. My first officer would laugh at me at times, but I also got a few others started doing the same thing. I would do it very low and thought most of the first officers didn't hear me. I was wrong.

I was sitting in the crew lounge at LAX and a fellow I flew a lot with came walking in and looked at me and said loudly, "DAMN YOU!" I asked him what was the matter. He said you got me talking to myself. I asked him who was the smarter one? He just laughed and then we drank coffee. The point is this is how screwy we can be at times. There is no shame being a little messed up. I did ask the company psychologist why I did that. (We have to talk to the company shrink at any time. You never know when you will be told to see him or her.) The answer I got was that it's called "self-management." It helps us keep our thoughts where they need to be and to stay organized as needed. I didn't quite agree with her, but I accepted it. Oh, it also gives us confidence. (Again, I didn't quite get that one.)
 
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