People Do Misjudge Others

Been There

Been There

Well-known Member
Location
Florida
I had a date last evening with a woman I met a few weeks ago at a friend’s birthday party. I was kind of nervous beforehand because she came across as being a member of the elite class, which I am not. I had asked her if she liked Italian food and she said she did, so I made reservations at my favorite Italian restaurant in D.C. So far, everything went very good with no hiccups.

Afterwards, we went to a club that I belong to because they were having a dance last night with a live band and I made sure some of my friends were going to be there. Again, everything went great. She got along with my friends and their wives. When she excused herself to use the lady’s room, the other women said they enjoyed speaking with her. She also had a very good sense of humor.

After the evening was over and I took her home, she asked me if I would come inside for a few minutes. I accepted the invitation and what she said to me once we were inside completely blindsided me. She told me I didn’t “act” like a retired military man. I asked her in what way. She said I didn’t swear or tell raunchy jokes. I didn’t use military slang or terms and I was too proper all night with good manners and being a bit over respectful. She expected me to be louder and drink more.

I apologized to her for not meeting her expectations and left it at that. I said “Good night” and left. I have been running the whole evening through my mind all day and I can’t put my finger on what type of person she was expecting.

Thanks for allowing me to vent this. At this point in time, I am very confused. I haven’t discussed this with any of my friends, but a few have called me today and said they all enjoyed the evening and how nice my date was. In retrospect, I don’t swear a lot, I don’t disrespect people and I don’t tell off color jokes that contain ethnic people, different races or religions. I’m at a loss for words.
 

Evidently your date has encountered retired military men who swear, tell raunchy jokes, use military slang or terms and were not too proper, who don't have good manners and are disrespectful, and are loud and over drink.

Mr. There, you are a gentleman. :) You obviously know how to behave and take care of your date. I'm sure you weren't a disappointment to her, you were a surprise. If that type of behavior is what she was really expecting it begs the question of, "Why in the world would she accept a date with a retired military man?"

I think she offended you without meaning to, she was really complimenting you in a strange way. It seems like you had a nice time with her. So, are you going to see her again? 🤔
 

I agree with others that it was likely a compliment but if it was said in a critical way, as if she was disappointed that you didn't swear etc, then you and your date were obviously not compatible and, if I were you, I would just be thankful that you found out sooner rather than later.

As far as dates are concerned, maybe a first date should be more casual, perhaps a coffee and a chat rather than an evening out? That way, you could just meet as friends and see how you get on before committing to a second date. A restaurant, club and meeting your friends all on a first date seems quite pressured.
 
Been There said:
I had a date last evening with a woman I met a few weeks ago at a friend’s birthday party. I was kind of nervous beforehand because she came across as being a member of the elite class, which I am not. I had asked her if she liked Italian food and she said she did, so I made reservations at my favorite Italian restaurant in D.C. So far, everything went very good with no hiccups.

Afterwards, we went to a club that I belong to because they were having a dance last night with a live band and I made sure some of my friends were going to be there. Again, everything went great. She got along with my friends and their wives. When she excused herself to use the lady’s room, the other women said they enjoyed speaking with her. She also had a very good sense of humor.

After the evening was over and I took her home, she asked me if I would come inside for a few minutes. I accepted the invitation and what she said to me once we were inside completely blindsided me. She told me I didn’t “act” like a retired military man. I asked her in what way. She said I didn’t swear or tell raunchy jokes. I didn’t use military slang or terms and I was too proper all night with good manners and being a bit over respectful. She expected me to be louder and drink more.

I apologized to her for not meeting her expectations and left it at that. I said “Good night” and left. I have been running the whole evening through my mind all day and I can’t put my finger on what type of person she was expecting.

Thanks for allowing me to vent this. At this point in time, I am very confused. I haven’t discussed this with any of my friends, but a few have called me today and said they all enjoyed the evening and how nice my date was. In retrospect, I don’t swear a lot, I don’t disrespect people and I don’t tell off color jokes that contain ethnic people, different races or religions. I’m at a loss for words.
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She probably watched too many war movies that were classified "R" so she expected the stereotypical soldier. Sometimes, you can't judge a book by it's covers. Sad story; you deserve better. Like you, I don't swear but then I don't have those silly macho hang-ups trying to desperately prove I'm some sort of "Tough MAN."
 
Trish said:
I agree with others that it was likely a compliment but if it was said in a critical way, as if she was disappointed that you didn't swear etc, then you and your date were obviously not compatible and, if I were you, I would just be thankful that you found out sooner rather than later.

As far as dates are concerned, maybe a first date should be more casual, perhaps a coffee and a chat rather than an evening out? That way, you could just meet as friends and see how you get on before committing to a second date. A restaurant, club and meeting your friends all on a first date seems quite pressured.
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Mr. There, you seem to be a whole hog sorta guy, and I mean that in the best way. From this post and previous ones, you obviously like to wine and fine dine your dates right out of the gate and show them a good time. Lucky, gals.

I agree with Trish, I think it might serve you better to dip your toes into the water by having a simple coffee date first, just one on one without a lot of fanfare, before diving right into a full-blown evening date. Just something to consider. :)
 
Been There said:
Thanks for allowing me to vent this. At this point in time, I am very confused. I haven’t discussed this with any of my friends, but a few have called me today and said they all enjoyed the evening and how nice my date was. In retrospect, I don’t swear a lot, I don’t disrespect people and I don’t tell off color jokes that contain ethnic people, different races or religions. I’m at a loss for words.
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Are you still drawn to the lady? Her response is not what you, or most of us would have expected, nonetheless it's possible that you find yourself drawn to her. If not, take the advice of others and cut your losses, but if she still creates that spark, then you should confront her but in a way that she doesn't realise is confrontational.

The fact that those you choose to call friends that have endorsed the lady makes me think that you would like her around, like her to be in your life. Consider her words again, think carefully and get back to her. If there's a future together, it will only depend on how you transmit that message, or feeling to her. For what it's worth my guess is that she is more than just a friend, but maybe just a little clumsy in how eloquent she is about her feelings towards you. It would be impertinent of me to suggest what to say, you are better suited to that, so give it some thought and come back and let us know what you did and the result of that.
 
Maybe I am looking at this from a different perspective. During my 30 years, I did do my share of yelling at new recruits and NCO's. Looking back, I may have taken her comments out of context. I need to think about this some more.
horseless carriage said:
Are you still drawn to the lady? Her response is not what you, or most of us would have expected, nonetheless it's possible that you find yourself drawn to her. If not, take the advice of others and cut your losses, but if she still creates that spark, then you should confront her but in a way that she doesn't realise is confrontational.

The fact that those you choose to call friends that have endorsed the lady makes me think that you would like her around, like her to be in your life. Consider her words again, think carefully and get back to her. If there's a future together, it will only depend on how you transmit that message, or feeling to her. For what it's worth my guess is that she is more than just a friend, but maybe just a little clumsy in how eloquent she is about her feelings towards you. It would be impertinent of me to suggest what to say, you are better suited to that, so give it some thought and come back and let us know what you did and the result of that.
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Yes, I would like to see her again, but I need to better understand her thinking towards me. This is what I mean by being confused. I think we need to have a conversation. Maybe more than one. I think I need more time to get to know her better, if she gives me the chance.
 
Been There said:
Maybe I am looking at this from a different perspective. During my 30 years, I did do my share of yelling at new recruits and NCO's. Looking back, I may have taken her comments out of context. I need to think about this some more.

Yes, I would like to see her again, but I need to better understand her thinking towards me. This is what I mean by being confused. I think we need to have a conversation. Maybe more than one. I think I need more time to get to know her better, if she gives me the chance.
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When you call her, you might tell her what you wrote in that last bit..."I may have been a little confused, and I'd like to have a conversation with you about it. I think I just need to get to know you better, if you'll give me a chance."

Sounds good to me.
 
Been There said:
I had a date last evening with a woman I met a few weeks ago at a friend’s birthday party. I was kind of nervous beforehand because she came across as being a member of the elite class, which I am not. I had asked her if she liked Italian food and she said she did, so I made reservations at my favorite Italian restaurant in D.C. So far, everything went very good with no hiccups.

Afterwards, we went to a club that I belong to because they were having a dance last night with a live band and I made sure some of my friends were going to be there. Again, everything went great. She got along with my friends and their wives. When she excused herself to use the lady’s room, the other women said they enjoyed speaking with her. She also had a very good sense of humor.

After the evening was over and I took her home, she asked me if I would come inside for a few minutes. I accepted the invitation and what she said to me once we were inside completely blindsided me. She told me I didn’t “act” like a retired military man. I asked her in what way. She said I didn’t swear or tell raunchy jokes. I didn’t use military slang or terms and I was too proper all night with good manners and being a bit over respectful. She expected me to be louder and drink more.

I apologized to her for not meeting her expectations and left it at that. I said “Good night” and left. I have been running the whole evening through my mind all day and I can’t put my finger on what type of person she was expecting.

Thanks for allowing me to vent this. At this point in time, I am very confused. I haven’t discussed this with any of my friends, but a few have called me today and said they all enjoyed the evening and how nice my date was. In retrospect, I don’t swear a lot, I don’t disrespect people and I don’t tell off color jokes that contain ethnic people, different races or religions. I’m at a loss for words.
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Ditch her. It saves time.
Stupid woman doesn't deserve a good man like you.
She can go ahead and find herself a bad boy type and see what happens.
 
Been There said:
Maybe I am looking at this from a different perspective. During my 30 years, I did do my share of yelling at new recruits and NCO's. Looking back, I may have taken her comments out of context. I need to think about this some more.

Yes, I would like to see her again, but I need to better understand her thinking towards me. This is what I mean by being confused. I think we need to have a conversation. Maybe more than one. I think I need more time to get to know her better, if she gives me the chance.
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If she invited you in and you had a chance to talk, that was your opportunity to ask her what she meant. I think she was complimenting you and you took it as an insult , said goodnight snd left. I think you did take her comments out of context and if you did , then your recollection of how it went was perhaps distorted some. I saw no indication that this women was disappointed with you and wanted a rougher man. She merely said she was surprised you weren’t like most military men she knew. To me, it sounded more like compliments. If she didn’t like you, she wouldn’t have invited you in

By chance, was this the same women you went out with back in May? You have another thread called “What am I missing?”that is very similar to this one.
If it’s not, could it be your own insecurities causing this?

https://www.seniorforums.com/threads/what-am-i-missing.81578/
 
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Been There said:
I had a date last evening with a woman I met a few weeks ago at a friend’s birthday party. I was kind of nervous beforehand because she came across as being a member of the elite class, which I am not. I had asked her if she liked Italian food and she said she did, so I made reservations at my favorite Italian restaurant in D.C. So far, everything went very good with no hiccups.

Afterwards, we went to a club that I belong to because they were having a dance last night with a live band and I made sure some of my friends were going to be there. Again, everything went great. She got along with my friends and their wives. When she excused herself to use the lady’s room, the other women said they enjoyed speaking with her. She also had a very good sense of humor.

After the evening was over and I took her home, she asked me if I would come inside for a few minutes. I accepted the invitation and what she said to me once we were inside completely blindsided me. She told me I didn’t “act” like a retired military man. I asked her in what way. She said I didn’t swear or tell raunchy jokes. I didn’t use military slang or terms and I was too proper all night with good manners and being a bit over respectful. She expected me to be louder and drink more.

I apologized to her for not meeting her expectations and left it at that. I said “Good night” and left. I have been running the whole evening through my mind all day and I can’t put my finger on what type of person she was expecting.

Thanks for allowing me to vent this. At this point in time, I am very confused. I haven’t discussed this with any of my friends, but a few have called me today and said they all enjoyed the evening and how nice my date was. In retrospect, I don’t swear a lot, I don’t disrespect people and I don’t tell off color jokes that contain ethnic people, different races or religions. I’m at a loss for words.
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To me dear @Been There I was kind of at a loss myself when I began reading your story. Honestly, she seemed to have wanted the complete opposite of what you delivered in a gentmanly fashion.

I'd say that she probably watched too many military films where they act do reserved while on duty but reveal their darker side either once out of the forces or just letting their standards go out the window on a night out.

Obviously, you've behaved correctly and I firmly believe that isn't what she wanted. Well, I'd say, it's her loss as this night out with you sounded magical!
 
Was there anything in her assessment that sounded like disapproval? I sure don't pick that up from your description, but you may have picked something up that doesn't come out in your account of the situation.
 
Been There said:
I had a date last evening with a woman I met a few weeks ago at a friend’s birthday party. I was kind of nervous beforehand because she came across as being a member of the elite class, which I am not. I had asked her if she liked Italian food and she said she did, so I made reservations at my favorite Italian restaurant in D.C. So far, everything went very good with no hiccups.

Afterwards, we went to a club that I belong to because they were having a dance last night with a live band and I made sure some of my friends were going to be there. Again, everything went great. She got along with my friends and their wives. When she excused herself to use the lady’s room, the other women said they enjoyed speaking with her. She also had a very good sense of humor.

After the evening was over and I took her home, she asked me if I would come inside for a few minutes. I accepted the invitation and what she said to me once we were inside completely blindsided me. She told me I didn’t “act” like a retired military man. I asked her in what way. She said I didn’t swear or tell raunchy jokes. I didn’t use military slang or terms and I was too proper all night with good manners and being a bit over respectful. She expected me to be louder and drink more.

I apologized to her for not meeting her expectations and left it at that. I said “Good night” and left. I have been running the whole evening through my mind all day and I can’t put my finger on what type of person she was expecting.

Thanks for allowing me to vent this. At this point in time, I am very confused. I haven’t discussed this with any of my friends, but a few have called me today and said they all enjoyed the evening and how nice my date was. In retrospect, I don’t swear a lot, I don’t disrespect people and I don’t tell off color jokes that contain ethnic people, different races or religions. I’m at a loss for words.
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You were lucky!!!
You dodged that train wreck!
Did you go to Filomena's on Wisconsin Ave?
 
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