You know VJB, I have to say I admire your dedication and commitment to your wife and the situation you now find yourself in. It is obviously a very different reality than the one you imagined, and many of us have had to face living in a future that has morphed into something along that vein. We have lost a loved one, and have had to take the pieces of a fractured life together, and reassemble them into a new identity with the other one missing.
In your case, you have also lost that loved one, perhaps temporarily, or perhaps permanently, and that's the dilemma that has a grip on your life. In theory you can be open to either possibility, but unfortunately, sooner or later you have to live life one way or the other by making choices. If you are committed to stay the course, then you need to find ways to enjoy some degree of happiness in order to keep your sanity and let this all play out however it's going to. One thing I have learned is that life is always changing, and you never know what the future will look like until it arrives.
No one can, or should tell you what you should do. They can only tell you what they would do, but that's the thing; they are not you. They don't have invested what you have invested. It will require a great deal of soul searching, which I'm sure you have done much of already. But if an answer is not clear, then be patient until it is.
VJB, I sense that you are a good person with a good heart, and the only advice I can give is, don't beat yourself up over past decisions that may have been wrong. The past is where we all learn lessons, and the future is where we apply them. You couldn't have known that things would turn out this way, and likewise you can't know how to future will shape itself. Try to find moments of peace and things you enjoy, and don't let difficult circumstances change who you are. Nothing stays the same forever.
Wise words, and very much appreciated.
I think I have mentioned this before, but just in case I haven't.......
THIS IS A VERY LONG POST AND IF SUCH POSTS BOTHER YOU THEN I ADVISE YOU SKIP IT.
In the past, when I working, I was very dedicated to my craft. So much so that my professional life always came first. Looking at it now, I was incredibly selfish. I loved what I did, and that was all good, but I never stopped to ask what my partner truly wanted or needed. I just went out there and worked, and earned money. If I had to stay away for extended periods, I did. I didn't discuss it, I didn't try to rearrange it for something my partner wanted.
I traveled a lot, and if she wanted to come along, I was fine by that. But if not, I was equally fine with that too. Sometimes a two week trip away would turn into a 6 month trip and we'd not see each other. I missed Christmases, birthdays, Easter breaks, thanksgivings - year after year.
Now, money was just never my thing. I worked, I got paid, and the money went into a bank account. My partner had full access to that, and frankly I didn't care what it got spent on. I was so self-absorbed, that I just went on my way. She was never a big spender, but she was more engaged with money than I was, which is not surprising since she essentially ran the house (paid all the bills, etc.)
We are indeed, married. But let me tell you about my wedding (I think I've told this before, but not sure). We were married during my lunch break from work. Our "honeymoon" was a trip to Starbucks on my way back to the office. That was it. Yes - I was
that guy. To this day I don't remember our anniversary. In fact, I don't remember birthdays or any of those important dates. When it came to wanting something, the bank account was right there - go get it, whenever you want, sort of thing.
While I've never done drugs, I did indulge in alcohol as part of the work lifestyle (a lot of business gets done in bars!) and socially. I have been drunk, well let's say, more than a few times. While drinking is no longer part of my life, it was a decision made because I had pulled away from business, and didn't need it as a tool any longer. But I can't criticize people who use it as a tool for their own lives, because when it helped me, I did too.
Then, the great awakening. I had worked like this for decades, and I gradually became aware of my slowing down. I started skipping meetings, letting others go on business trips on my behalf, and generally pulling back. A long story short, I was getting ill. What started as a physical issue (I woke up one day in Salt Lake City and literally could not get out of bed due to back pain), turned into a mental issue. I was tired, I was getting depressed, and I no longer got the same pleasure from working as I once did. Since work was everything, I felt no pleasure at all for anything.
My depression ended up taking a huge toll. I didn't handle giving up work very well. I was never an angry or violent person, nothing like that, but what had lit fires in me were simply doused. *I* was a different person when it comes down to it. I withdrew completely. I no longer spoke or contacted old work colleagues, read books, kept up with new developments, or any of that. All that made me, me, changed. And all that time, I still wasn't worrying about my partner. It was still me me me me me me me.
When I was at my lowest - which was very low - my wife's mother needed help. Her family consisted of a mother, a brother, and my partner. The father was a long time out of the picture. They had a weird relationship I didn't like - the mother didn't work, the brother was a heroin addict, and my wife worked and supported the entire household. So when she got with me, I wasn't Mr. Popular. I broke their family, as it were. I was, and am, intolerant of hard drug use and its associated mini-crime wave (hey, where's the TV?) So yeah, issues I didn't care for. I didn't like people making excuses about why they wouldn't do something.
At one stage the mother and brother were made homeless, since my wife wasn't paying the rent, and they moved in with us. But finding burnt spoons and used syringes in the bathroom led to a confrontation and I kicked the brother out (he, much later, totally reformed). So it goes. We got her mother a condo in Florida, and that's where she lives now.
So, I was in severe transition, depressed, solemn, and not fun to be around. My wife cared for me. That was before a couple of major issues surfaced.
Firstly, note, once my wife and I married, she said she hated her job. Fair enough, but I was so detached I simply said, "well quit". She did, and she never returned to work. We were a one-income family. This was a non-issue for me, but we should have discussed things. Alas, I didn't instigate that. Since we've been together, she's essentially not worked.
So, the new crisis. My wife's brother had been caring for the mother in Florida. He was off drugs and had been clean for a long time. But you can't have years and years of using street drugs and get off scot-free, as I've now learned. He developed some ailments and died. The mother was alone.
Choices had to be made. Who would care for the mother? What was I doing? What would my wife do? I was out of it with severe depression, my wife was torn, and the mother was slowly getting sicker and sicker. I thought the right thing to do was for my wife to go care for her mother (I was back in the UK at this point). Give me time, I'll cope. So that's what we did.
During the intervening years I'd get (and still sometimes get) offers from previous colleagues to go back to work, and I did that some. My wife had access to the bank account so all was fine there. I actually moved to a different place in that time, got a dog, and slowly settled into my life today. My wife's mother...... look I'm not going to slander her, but let's say she's emotionally manipulative. For a long time I wasn't able to fly there to see them, and when I was able there was commotion because, you know, the evil guy was coming. Much histrionics, and more...... time wore on. Then my damn passport expired, and then..... Covid. Excuses on my part, I guess.
So yeah, 6 years. As someone else mentioned, that's hard to imagine, isn't it? I remained totally loyal, and as far as I know my partner did too. That was never a concern. We emailed, religiosity, daily. There clearly wasn't much to say, but the point is we stayed in touch. We never planned six years apart, it just happened.
The biggest thing was - I had come to a crushing realization. *I* had been too detached. *I* had been incredibly selfish. *I* had been incredibly demanding. *I* had not cared anywhere near enough about what my partner wanted. She had done all the work, and I just expected things to be as I wanted them. This wasn't a question simply for the marriage, but for my life. I would never have chosen that life, it just happened.
If someone had described such a person to me, I'd of been critical of them. Yet it *was* me. I'd done that. I'd help create the entire dynamic. But when every choice had arrived, I'd selfishly demanded we go my way. It was, oh I don't know, over a good six months that this reality hit me. I thought I'd been the good guy, but to a large extent, I wasn't. Yes, there were tears. I'd cry about what I'd made of my life. It was traumatic, a journey I had to go through, like a trip through a horror (not)Funhouse.
This goes some way to explaining the six years. Frankly, I didn't want my wife here while I went through that. It wasn't her responsibility, and she had been the one who had been left alone during those years. Besides, her mother needed the help anyway. If you go through something as I did, time doesn't seem to exist, it just flows.
So, cutting to today, I got a message saying my wife was coming back, and you know the rest. She's destroyed. I own part of that. I was breaking down when she most needed the support, and she'd worked things until, I guess, she just snapped. She turns up, and both physically and mentally she's broken. I don't know who she is now, and I can't work out where we stand. I do know, she doesn't want to go back. I do know she has no money (sort of), job, or healthcare. I don't know if there is a "we" anymore, because any vestige of what a couple might be is non-existent. Does non-existence in this context mean there'll never be a return to some kind of couple-dom? I don't know.
I do know, I am very much changed. She is very much changed. I have a small home that I'm happy in. I don't want drama. I don't want to jet-set anymore. I want love, peace, and understanding without huge demands placed on either person. I refuse to make demands of anyone any longer. It's not fair, and it's not right. I don't want to be purely selfish (to some extent, we have to be selfish, we need what we need, but I'm aware now of what my choices mean for others).
I see retirement as a new life, a reset. It's a time when we get to decide how we want to leave this world. Do I want to leave by being found dead in a hotel room while speaking at a conference? No, no I don't! Let me build a little haven, let me spend my years taking pleasure from whatever fancies.
I have no idea what this other person, my partner, wants. The anger, the swearing, the drinking, the locking themselves away, the whole package - this is NOT the person I know AT ALL. The mother has mysteriously become more self-sufficient, though there has clearly been some kind of falling out between them. We buy her mother groceries and have them delivered, pay phone bills, etc. But obviously my partner is here. Don't know how long.
Wait, you might wonder how I can not know how long. Well, because if I ask about her mother, her stay, what she wants, what I can do to help, I get my head bitten off. She brings up things in the past - such as my "abandoning her" in Texas (I went to work in Germany....). I've never heard these recriminations before. Something I said in 1990 will get dragged up and she'll scream it at me, and I can't answer back because I don't remember saying it, let alone the context.
I'm not a good person. I'm someone who had to learn things the hard way each and every time. I've banged my head on every step without even being aware I'm falling. I'm going to say so myself, but I was quite brilliant in my chosen craft, but inept in just about everything else as it turns out. And I was in blissful ignorance of it all. These are realizations I've come to. You know, you can know what kindness is, what the right thing is, to speak of adjudication, of empathy and understanding - but at the end of the day it's not the talking that makes them valuable, it's the DOING. I've been lax at that.
And so, that dresses the reality I'm in. Right now, I'm not walking away. I'm not going to lay down deadlines or make demands. I have a safe haven here, and I will never take that away from someone in need. My preferences are secondary. I owe a lot to the person who helped enable all my mistakes. I'm getting older, there are no do-overs any more. There is today, and then tomorrow. Things don't get better from here. My health is quite good, but let's face the reality of that (except my damn knees, of course.) I want to spread love and caring into the world. I don't mind being soft, but holding hands, laughing together, giving yourself over. Those are priorities.
I think I could cope better if not for the drinking on her part. I'm not paying for the drink, so she's getting money from somewhere. But it's so alien to her, I can't get to the bottom of it. I tell myself that this won't be forever, but it's going to take some time to sort through it. If and when she straightens out, I need to find out what it is she wants. It's her choice, and I can either deliver on that or not.
Me? Well, I think I've given a general idea of what I want. But every time I hear a "I'm just going to the store", I know what's coming. A bag of jangling cans or bottles. She even keeps a garbage bag in her room so I don't get to see it!
I don't want this to be a "woe is me", thing. I think many of you probably have stories to tell - lots of them! You'd have to work really hard to get through life and not learn from your mistakes. Life is like a pinball machine, isn't it? You come out nice and fresh and full of energy, and then you get battered about, knocked from pillar to post, knocking a life's score before eventually falling through the hole at the bottom. Yeah, we all go through similar things with our own nuances. I'm just spewing mine into the forum. Perhaps someone, in the future, will learn something.
Now? I'm going to get a nice cup of tea. Although, sadly, I've eaten the last chocolate digestive. Dammit!
