Pathological and compulsive liars. What are your experiences?

With so much and many sources of lies all around us, such as politics. social media, and advertising, finding a dependable source of truth is probably extinct in our times. Only truth I know is that the sun still rises out of the east. The rest I am not sure about from anyone.
 

I was in a relationship with a pathological liar. I think I've mentioned here somewhere that pathological lying isn't considered a disorder in itself, but is something that seems to be a consequence of some other mental disorder.

The person I'm thinking about, my GF and her lies, seemed to be initially at a low level, inconsequential perhaps. But slowly, over time, became more significant, more complex and interwoven with other lies. I was told at the time by my GF that she was being assaulted by her ex as she walked home through a park after taking her daughter to school. That alleged assault took place where there was no witnesses. She did go to the police. She informed me that the police told her that her ex was being investigated for drug dealing and that the ex was paying people to spy on and to follow me. How do I know she did genuinely go to the police? Well, that's another story for another time.

Anyway, eventually I saw her ex driving in his car. I chased him down and confronted him, only to be told by him that my GF had been telling him that I was being investigated by the police and that I had been assaulting my GF in the park. It became apparent that we were both being told the same lies of each other by my then GF.

At the time, my GF had cancer, 'allegedly'. It was really challenging for us to both see her doctor or hospital specialist together. Her appointments would change at pretty much the last minute, and be brought forward, 'allegedly', at a point when I was at work. We did eventually go to the hospital together, to see a specialist for a non-cancer related issue. The specialist had my GF's medical records on her desk as we went in. It was the biggest medical folder I'd ever seen, but even the specialist admitted that there wasn't a lot of any great significance in it. Can you see where this is going?

On another occasion I was unable to go to a hospital appointment with her because it was canceled -- it was deemed unnecessary due to an 'event' 24 hours earlier. She called me at work to say she had been rushed into hospital by ambulance, and therefore the following day's hospital appointment was canceled. She came out of the hospital the same day before I got home from work. :rolleyes: It was a kind of, "Yeah, right?" moment.

Later after the relationship ended, and when talking with others, I 'discovered that my GF had had small colon cancer; large colon cancer; ovarian cancer; cervical cancer; stomach cancer; leukemia; and at some point, a brain tumor. It seems that some people felt sorry for me being in that relationship, but at the time didn't want to get involved by telling me of her history. I suppose that is where part of the problem lies when being drawn in by a Pathological Liar, most people who already know the liar don't want to talk about it thought fear of being involved.

Previously, in a letter she wrote to me, she told me of a particular cancer she has, and that she only has one year left to live, two at the most unless a miracle happens. I don't believe in miracles, just in case you were wondering. 25 years later, she is still alive.

If you are interested in how that relationship ended, you can read it in this SF thread here. Prepare yourself:
Ever had to extricate yourself from a difficult situation or relationship?
 
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My son had a friend who lied a lot. It was usually about getting a raise or promotion. We would just change the subject and move on. He knew that we knew but seemed compelled to try it again. Other than that, he was a good guy.
 

My ex was a gambling addict. As she became more and more into gambling, she began to lie, more and more. It just wasn't about lying to cover up her addiction, it was everything. She'd lie about whether it was night or day. It was stupid lies, which I could never figure out why anyone would lie about it. At one time, I would have trusted her with my life. And now, I couldn't trust her to tell me the correct time.
 
Lately I have for some reason been encountering dishonest business people. When I confront them about their dishonesty (such as charging for a service not performed, and even stealing of physical items), they act condescending towards me as though they are doing me a favor by even talking about it to me.

It makes me feel angry, helpless, and very disrespected. They act as though they think the normal thing for someone to do is just accept the fact that that they are being ripped off, and not worry about it !

Unfortunately these people are employees where my mother is in assisted living.
 
I've worked with a couple of them. They are unable to keep track of their lies. One guy called in sick for the weekend. The next weekend he was at work talking about what he had done last weekend. I don't think he remembered he lied and called in. He was terrible to work with. He was eventually fired.
 
My experience with a pathological liar was devastating and through Internet dating sites he was able to spread his devastation to hundreds of women. He presented as an eligible bachelor employed as a consultant in a technical field with grown independent children who were self-supporting.

He was the dream date with wining and dining and flowers and classical entertainment before his sexual liaisons and sending romantic greeting cards expressing his eternal devotion afterwards before moving on to his next victim. He gave enough truth to appear legitimate such as his real phone number and PO Box in the city where he lived. However you could never reach him on the phone immediately. It always went to voice mail.

A thorough investigation of this man showed he was married but legally separated with neither spouse wanting a divorce. The wife lived in the million dollar manor jointly owned by both of them and the husband lived in a luxury apartment in a different city. He wasn't employed as a consultant and was spending his considerable retirement income on travel involving internet dating liaisons. The grown children were in constant need of financial assistance for marriages, divorces, car accidents, foreclosures, and other misadventures. In addition to pathological lying he showed some signs of schizophrenia. The surprising thing to me is that so many of these people are able to function in everyday life and appear at first glance to be normal.
 
TabbyAnn said:
My experience with a pathological liar was devastating and through Internet dating sites he was able to spread his devastation to hundreds of women. He presented as an eligible bachelor employed as a consultant in a technical field with grown independent children who were self-supporting.

He was the dream date with wining and dining and flowers and classical entertainment before his sexual liaisons and sending romantic greeting cards expressing his eternal devotion afterwards before moving on to his next victim. He gave enough truth to appear legitimate such as his real phone number and PO Box in the city where he lived. However you could never reach him on the phone immediately. It always went to voice mail.

A thorough investigation of this man showed he was married but legally separated with neither spouse wanting a divorce. The wife lived in the million dollar manor jointly owned by both of them and the husband lived in a luxury apartment in a different city. He wasn't employed as a consultant and was spending his considerable retirement income on travel involving internet dating liaisons. The grown children were in constant need of financial assistance for marriages, divorces, car accidents, foreclosures, and other misadventures. In addition to pathological lying he showed some signs of schizophrenia. The surprising thing to me is that so many of these people are able to function in everyday life and appear at first glance to be normal.
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The story reads like the guy didn't need to produce very elaborate lies. He had money, was free from his wife, could travel freely, and then hook up with a women in different places. He did lead a double life. The one was in the background while he played in his current one. It didn't impose any pressure on him. So was he pathological, or just manipulative for fairly normal reasons?
 
Share Your Experiences: I'd rather not for the sake of privacy, but yes, pathological liars are very real. They can be very charming and thus make friends and be successful in business and other relationships. The charm works.

Heightened Vigilance: Yup. It is unwarrented? Boy, that is debatable. It is unwarrented? 80% of me is yelling, "No! It is completely justified!"

Seeing Through the Deception: Sorry, I cannto go into detail here either. I've cried a lot. I use positive self-talk a LOT to help me get back to a peaceful center so I can function.

Finding Clarity: Did the revelation that you were dealing with a compulsive liar bring clarity to your world? No.
How did you regain your sense of perspective and well-being once you understood the truth? I don't know. I function. One perspective that I have gained, because I used to be so very angry that others believed these con-artists, is that they are co-victims. They are co-victims, therefore they need EDUCATION and empathy. I try to educate them. I don't think it all soaks in though.

I also find myself drawn to historical events, in books, movies, or individual biographies, that show large groups of people deceived, used and abused. If I like a fictional work, it is often because it's based on a criminal or groups of criminals wreaking havoc on a person or city and good people trying to undo the damage. Not in a Superman-is-here-to-save-the-day way. Not in a Marvel Comics way. But real people trying to undo the damage of pathological liars and criminals.

Offering Advice: Based on your own experiences, what advice would you give to others who may be dealing with pathological liars?
Expose them.
That is the most healing thing, I believe. You will feel ashamed because you have been so stupid to believe them. It's like, after WWII, for so many years Holocaust survivors did not, could not, talk about what they had lived thorugh. Shocked into silence.

Today we're dealing with the most vulnerable groups, Seniors, teens and children, being lied to constantly online and in the case of Seniors, by phone.

I listen to the AARP Podcast "The Perfect Scam" and OMG, your heart weeps for these people. ā€ŽThe Perfect Scam on Apple Podcasts

Many of them wanted to kill themselves after they realized it was all a scam. Teens are going through this too when they are convinced to send nude pictures to a supposed date, and then that "date" threatens to share the photos with their school if they don't give them cash.

I think the only answer to these things to first, the LEGAL SYSTEM, but we don't have enough laws to govern all these crimes. So when you have no legal system, the second answer is to tell the whole world about them.

That can be done online now with reviews. Not on Facebook, because that is a closed system, but on public review sites. People can also tell the Justice system, FTC and FBI about cybercrimes. They WANT to hear from victims.

But I don't think exposing them makes victims magically revert to who they were before. That's fantasy thinking. I think exposing them solidifies the reality of what happened and who is to blame in the mind of the victim(s), but they are still the walking wounded, IMO.

In honor of Easter, I will use a Christian example: When Jesus returned after death and saw the disciples, he still had the wounds in his hands to show Thomas that it was really him. I think victims are forever changed, and not for the better, just like that. We still carry the scars.

That is the whole point of the legal system, right? To reduce the HARM to society so that all people can be productive and prosperous, right? Not mere shells of their former selves.
 
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Magna-Carta said:
Some very good points there. I recognise everything that is in this post. However, when it comes to confronting them with facts it often leads to more elaborate lies, fostering doubt in others regarding the person who is trying to present facts. Anything to cast doubt in other people when presenting facts. Many people will believe what they want to believe. The closer one gets to calling them out with evidence, the more likely they engage in gaslighting, in my experience that it.

Where you can, it is best to walk away and end a friendship or relationship. It's not good for either party.
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I read your other posts about the ex-GF. Did you ever work with a therapist or read any self-help books that helped you understand what attracted you to her in the first place? And why you stayed for so long?
 
PeppermintPatty said:
What I find the strangest and a bit scary is when you call them on it they act so incredibly insulted and will instantly make you feel bad. They push out their feathers like you have just disrespected them in the worst kind of way.
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Next to discovering the lies themselves, the second most shocking thing was the angry, hostile, over-the-top reaction of the liar when you point out the error of their lie and try to have a rational conversation about it. No rational conversation is possible with a pathological liar. Their verbal attacks on the rational person are very scary and it's best to sever relations with these people if at all possible. Their problem is definitely one for the professionals.
 
I am sure the these pathological liars are not only about men of course. I have met, dated, and been married to a pathological lying female. They drove me crazy. Then I had friends who turned out to be PL's. Then I started noticing how the people I did business with are PL's. Then it was the politicians, and so called leaders of our society. The whole world is filled with PL's.

I think it is best to be very careful about who you trust. Background checks might even be necessary. They don't cost that much and you can do them online. Then there is the getting together stuff. If physical necessity happens, that still doesn't mean that your committed. Just don't let the person use physical intimacy as a tool to control you.
 
The other day I almost posted in this thread. My husband is a compulsive liar and I hate it but I love him. Then today I saw my past post.
Itā€™s difficult living with a pathological liar but Iā€™m sure Iā€™m not the only one.
 
Magna-Carta said:
However, when it comes to confronting them with facts it often leads to more elaborate lies, fostering doubt in others regarding the person who is trying to present facts. Anything to cast doubt in other people when presenting facts. Many people will believe what they want to believe. The closer one gets to calling them out with evidence, the more likely they engage in gaslighting, in my experience that it.

Where you can, it is best to walk away and end a friendship or relationship. It's not good for either party.
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The hostile aggressive anger the pathological liar displays toward the rational person who points out their lies and tries to present factual evidence to them is scary. The liar will often begin a campaign of lies about the rational and factual person to discredit them. It becomes a quagmire of gaslighting that is frustrating and time consuming to preserve your own reputation. It is better to walk away from a pathological liar and sever relationship with him or her if possible.
 
VintageBetter said:
I read your other posts about the ex-GF. Did you ever work with a therapist or read any self-help books that helped you understand what attracted you to her in the first place? And why you stayed for so long?
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No, not with this particular person. I did with a later relationship though, a person with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, as it's preferred to be called by many health professionals in the UK. (Borderline Personality Disorder in the US, BPD)
 
fuzzybuddy said:
My ex was a gambling addict. As she became more and more into gambling, she began to lie, more and more. It just wasn't about lying to cover up her addiction, it was everything. She'd lie about whether it was night or day. It was stupid lies, which I could never figure out why anyone would lie about it. At one time, I would have trusted her with my life. And now, I couldn't trust her to tell me the correct time.
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I smiled to myself as I read your last sentence, then quickly became acutely aware of where this type of point you made comes from. I used to say to myself, regarding the person I mentioned earlier in this thread, that if she were to tell me what day tomorrow is, I would want to check on a calendar to make sure.
 

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