Why is it considered impolite to talk badly of your ex?

VintageBetter

VintageBetter

Senior Member
My whole adult life I've heard that admonition: don't talk badly of your ex-spouse because then people will think you are a bitter and angry person.

On the other hand, in therapy one of the things the experts say is that one key to mental health is telling yourself the truth. No matter how bad the facts were, if you deny reality, you're actually practicing being mentally unwell. This is not the same as when we tell little kids there is a Santa Claus. In those cases, we make the facts age appropriate, right? Like, I would never tell a small child the real horrors of war. They don't need to know that yet and it's not good for them. (Which is one of the reasons the college protestors are so angry because that war is happening to children.)

So why is it still a "thing" in polite society not to tell the truth about how bad your ex was? And if your ex-spouse was terrible to you, why is that YOUR fault, right? Why does polite society still tell you to cover for them in your conversations?
 

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VintageBetter said:
My whole adult life I've heard that admonition: don't talk badly of your ex-spouse because then people will think you are a bitter and angry person.

On the other hand, in therapy one of the things the experts say is that one key to mental health is telling yourself the truth. No matter how bad the facts were, if you deny reality, you're actually practicing being mentally unwell. This is not the same as when we tell little kids there is a Santa Claus. In those cases, we make the facts age appropriate, right? Like, I would never tell a small child the real horrors of war. They don't need to know that yet and it's not good for them. (Which is one of the reasons the college protestors are so angry because that war is happening to children.)

So why is is still a "thing" in polite society not to tell the truth about how bad your ex was? And if your ex-spouse was terrible to you, why is that YOUR fault, right? Why does polite society still tell you to cover for them in your conversations?
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It's an ex, let it be. Maybe I'm not qualified to say that because I don't have an ex, but if you chose divorce for what ever reason then its over. Move on.
 
hollydolly said:
As you say you've never been divorced so you can't possibly know the pain both mental and physical that has been caused by another person.... !
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You are absolutely right. I've never been divorced, and don't plan to be. I don't give regret a lot of free space in my head either.
 
It’s actually not polite to trash talk about anybody. We are taught to rise above thinking badly about others. Everyone makes mistakes and nobody should be condemned forever. Forgiveness is sometimes a hard thing to do but a necessary thing.

Counselling encourages talking about things that eat away at us. It’s not healthy to rotate bad thoughts over and over in our minds. It makes us bitter people. Forgiveness frees our mind to think about things that nourish our minds.

Note: I’ve trash talked about my family many times. In the last 6 months, those nasty thoughts have been replaced by loving ones.

Our ex’es weren’t always bad people or we wouldn’t have had anything to do with them.
Maybe they showed up in our lives to teach us something.
 
I'd only care if there were young children involved. I think they would be more confused than they are already and it isn't right to trash their other parent. Without the involvement of kids, sure, trash away, why not, I'd love to listen as I am usually bored out of my mind.
 
Nathan said:
...it takes some thoughtfulness and strength of character to acknowledge that "it takes two to tango", own up to your own shortcomings and move on.
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Saying, "it takes two to tango", is not always true. Some people "tango" all on their own from beginning to end. Call it verbal abuse or physical abuse but the victim may well be just that...the victim.

There is a possibility of looking bad to others, who don't know you well, when you trash anybody, not just ex's, because the listener, unless they know you super well, might be thinking you may have caused the bad treatment you received...not that you did but they just don't know you that well. And I don't mean serious abuse...no victim causes that.
 
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hollydolly said:
Well I did plan to be going through a divorce either..as I have been forced into.... the actions of my husband, left no choice....and I'm devastated...
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I know there a winners and losers in that process. Probably more losers by far. Sorry for you bad experience, I certainly didn't mean to offend. I just tend to think my own way. Hope we're still friends.
 
Because you have an unfair advantage over your ex-spouse, and he over you. A weapon actually. You have seen him at his most vulnerable, as perhaps no-one else has. Never take advantage of an unfair advantage.
 
gruntlabor said:
Because you have an unfair advantage over your ex-spouse, and he over you. A weapon actually. You have seen him at his most vulnerable, as perhaps no-one else has. Never take advantage of an unfair advantage.
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the ironic thing about my husband is that he's the one talking bad about me... when in fact I was the injured party and he was the perpetrator .... and I rarely say anything bad about him... It should be the other way round
 
Jules said:
Anyone that knows him is aware that he’s only kidding himself. He’s a man in his 60s making up excuses for his running off with a hot young cookie. He doesn’t want anyone to think that he an old fool. He’s not fooling anyone except himself.
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oh yes that's correct Jules..and more obvious to his friends because it was a work colleague ... but it's the reason he did it.. which is where the lies are coming from.. talking garbage about me, to justify his actions..
 
It must depend on why you split and who you both are.

My ex wife just texted me an hour ago to reschedule meeting her and our 2 y/o grandson at the park near her. She babysits him off and on, and thought this would be another opportunity to share him. But the weather turned too wet today.

We were married 15 years, have kids together, but divorced almost 30 years ago now and she remarried about a decade ago. The offspring mean we'll always be family at some level.
 
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