My estranged son sent me a text today.....

Colleen said:
This has happened so many times. I always respond (lovingly) and then I don't hear from him in months/years. I've tried to keep a conversation going in the past but I got short answers and then no answers. I've always had my suspicions that it isn't really him that's "talking" to me. His words don't sound like him. I might be wrong, but I think it's his girlfriend that he's lived with for over 20 years. IDK.
Click to expand...
I didn't realize it's been on and off, that's hard to deal with, sorry.
 

C50 said:
I didn't realize it's been on and off, that's hard to deal with, sorry.
Click to expand...
This is one of the reasons I said in my original post that my late husband would have told me to let it go. He saw how much it's hurt me over the years and how many tears I cried. Being called a "loser" by your own son is pretty hard to swallow and forgive but I did it a few years ago. Nothing changed. This isn't a situation that developed just since October. It's been going on for years. He says stuff to hurt me; I forgive him hoping things will change between us, but it never does. I have basically tried to stay away from him because I'm tired of being disappointed and hurt.
 
Colleen said:
This is one of the reasons I said in my original post that my late husband would have told me to let it go. He saw how much it's hurt me over the years and how many tears I cried. Being called a "loser" by your own son is pretty hard to swallow and forgive but I did it a few years ago. Nothing changed. This isn't a situation that developed just since October. It's been going on for years. He says stuff to hurt me; I forgive him hoping things will change between us, but it never does. I have basically tried to stay away from him because I'm tired of being disappointed and hurt.
Click to expand...
Sorry to read that @Colleen especially as, when I first read your post, I thought it was going to be a happy conclusion.

You responded to the text in a loving way but, if history repeats itself, perhaps it is time to consider having no more contact. It's sad as he is your son but, if all you get is hurt and disappointment, it may be the right decision for you, especially if you have doubts about who actually sent the message and why.

I wish you the best, whatever the outcome.
 
Colleen said:
This is one of the reasons I said in my original post that my late husband would have told me to let it go. He saw how much it's hurt me over the years and how many tears I cried. Being called a "loser" by your own son is pretty hard to swallow and forgive but I did it a few years ago. Nothing changed. This isn't a situation that developed just since October. It's been going on for years. He says stuff to hurt me; I forgive him hoping things will change between us, but it never does. I have basically tried to stay away from him because I'm tired of being disappointed and hurt.
Click to expand...
Just keep doing what you did; reply with love and wish him the best. And between these brief messages, just go about living your life. Seems like he's not dwelling on it. You shouldn't either.

All the years my daughter was mad at me, I told myself I messed up with this one. I was sure that somewhere along the line I did something wrong to her, said the wrong thing, didn't hug her enough or listen enough....maybe I bought the wrong shoes, I had no idea, but I figured I must have deprived her of something at some point.

To this day, she doesn't know either. Or she isn't saying. What she does say is it was a phase, she got in with a bad crowd, she's over-emotional and overacts to stuff (nothing more true).

Whatever it was doesn't matter now, and I can't fix it anyway. I hear from her several times a year. That's all that matters.
 
Pepper said:
Forget your son right now, (((Colleen))). It was a moment, a lovely moment, and you did exactly the right thing. Follow your husband's advice 'let it go' immediately. Forget it ever happened. No hopes for anything else, just let it go.
Click to expand...
I agree been there done that - this is a testing time ; keep channels open but don;t expect too much - that way no one gets hurt again
 
I am estranged from my 2 adult children and I doubt there will ever be a reconciliation and I don't think I could deal with it now.
I was blamed for the divorce from their father. He was a violent compulsive gambler. Tried to get me to sign our house deed over to him for a 'sure thing'. I didn't but I lived with him until my 2 kids were married and had good jobs. I had been married to him for 37 years and that was quite enough so I filed for divorce. Neither of my kids understood because I hid the crap from them.
 
peramangkelder said:
I am estranged from my 2 adult children and I doubt there will ever be a reconciliation and I don't think I could deal with it now.
I was blamed for the divorce from their father. He was a violent compulsive gambler. Tried to get me to sign our house deed over to him for a 'sure thing'. I didn't but I lived with him until my 2 kids were married and had good jobs. I had been married to him for 37 years and that was quite enough so I filed for divorce. Neither of my kids understood because I hid the crap from them.
Click to expand...
sometimes its healing if the truth comes out - pain first then healing?
 
Colleen said:
I've posted about my "relationship" with my son before. He started drifting away when he was in high school. He'll be 50 in July. It's sad but it's been his choice not to keep in touch with me over the years.

I haven't heard from him since October when I let him know my husband (not his bio father) had passed away. He lives about 40 miles from me so it's not like when I lived in AZ and he's here in PA so he had an excuse that he couldn't see me because I was 2000 miles away.

I never heard from him on Thanksgiving or Christmas. He's never even texted me to see if I'm OK or if I needed any help with anything. His silence over the years has spoken volumes about his feelings for me.

Today, I got a text from him. It said, "I know I've been a shitty son, but I want to wish you a Happy Mother's Day. I hope you are doing better."

I'm not sure I want to answer him. Part of me would like to unload on him but what would be accomplished in that? The other part of me thinks I should just let it go and get on with my life. I know what my late husband would say.....let it go.
Click to expand...
I am such a skeptic now about texts and emails that my first question for you is, are you sure it's him texting you?
I would call and check. Don't say anything other than something like, "Thanks for reconnecting, but there are so many scams now I just wanted to make sure this is still your phone number."

That Text From Your Friend May Not Be as Innocent as It Seems
https://www.aura.com/learn/text-message-scams

Oh I've had people CALL someone I am only acquaintances with and say they were one of my adult kids calling to talk about my financial situation. NOT JOKING. That really happened.

I immediately told the person who told me this, who I know, that my adult kid would never, ever do that and I have been getting spammed and I have worried for years now that I have a cyberstalker(s), so please block whatever number that person is calling from.

I knew it wasn't my kid contacting them, but then I called my kid to verify. Of course they hadn't.

Please call your son and make sure it was really him who texted you.

I'm telling ya people - REFER TO CHART: jerk chart.jpg
 
@Colleen - why does he call you a "loser"?

In real life, I am truly a "loser". I work menial jobs for low pay and w/o Social Security I'd be homeless or living in a RV. By every measurement of our society that only measures people by money 🤑, I have a giant "L" stamped on my forehead (not literally).

Your son could call me a loser and I might shrug. That could be deemed a fact. But have you been a house cleaner all your life? Rubbish hauler? Cleaner of portable toilets? What have you done to be branded with the Black L of Loserhood?

Thank God I don't see myself the way Money and Capitalism see me.
 
VintageBetter said:
@Colleen - why does he call you a "loser"?

In real life, I am truly a "loser". I work menial jobs for low pay and w/o Social Security I'd be homeless or living in a RV. By every measurement of our society that only measures people by money 🤑, I have a giant "L" stamped on my forehead (not literally).

Your son could call me a loser and I might shrug. That could be deemed a fact. But have you been a house cleaner all your life? Rubbish hauler? Cleaner of portable toilets? What have you done to be branded with the Black L of Loserhood?

Thank God I don't see myself the way Money and Capitalism see me.
Click to expand...
I like VintageBetter - got some class!!
 
@VintageBetter : To answer your question about am I sure it's him texting....no, I'm not sure, but I don't think it's a scammer either. I posted that I thought it was his girlfriend (of 20 years) that sends me a text every once in a while from his phone. It just doesn't sound like him. Also, the reason he called me a "loser" was because he considers the mistakes I made while raising him made me a "loser". I'm so glad he never made any mistakes in his life...ha!
 
Colleen said:
@VintageBetter : To answer your question about am I sure it's him texting....no, I'm not sure, but I don't think it's a scammer either. I posted that I thought it was his girlfriend (of 20 years) that sends me a text every once in a while from his phone. It just doesn't sound like him. Also, the reason he called me a "loser" was because he considers the mistakes I made while raising him made me a "loser". I'm so glad he never made any mistakes in his life...ha!
Click to expand...
It just doesn't sound like him.
How would you know? You don't know him anymore. Don't get hooked again, please forget about him as best you can. You know, he reminds me of my oldest nephew. Saw him for the first time in years as his mother, my sister, died last June. We were all estranged. Anyway, my nephew, whom I loved with all my heart, recited my phone number by heart and promised to visit me. So glad I had the guts to dismiss this.

OF COURSE HE NEVER CALLED. He was being a mean f*ck, is all. Like your son is playing this same game. Unless, on the off chance he contacts you again, you must listen to your husband and let go. Your son is being cruel, giving you false hope, just like my nephew. Low self esteem, probably.

You must mind your heart above all else (((Colleen)))
 
Pepper said:
It just doesn't sound like him.
How would you know? You don't know him anymore. Don't get hooked again, please forget about him as best you can. You know, he reminds me of my oldest nephew. Saw him for the first time in years as his mother, my sister, died last June. We were all estranged. Anyway, my nephew, whom I loved with all my heart, recited my phone number by heart and promised to visit me. So glad I had the guts to dismiss this.

OF COURSE HE NEVER CALLED. He was being a mean f*ck, is all. Like your son is playing this same game. Unless, on the off chance he contacts you again, you must listen to your husband and let go. Your son is being cruel, giving you false hope, just like my nephew. Low self esteem, probably.

You must mind your heart above all else (((Colleen)))
Click to expand...
Tough advice but, I think, very good advice as the text messaging is not a new thing and it always causes Colleen hurt and disappointment.

Perhaps the girlfriend is trying to initiate some sort of reunion between mother and son but, it hasn't worked in the past and, sadly, no reason to think it will now.
 
Colleen said:
@VintageBetter : To answer your question about am I sure it's him texting....no, I'm not sure, but I don't think it's a scammer either. I posted that I thought it was his girlfriend (of 20 years) that sends me a text every once in a while from his phone. It just doesn't sound like him. Also, the reason he called me a "loser" was because he considers the mistakes I made while raising him made me a "loser". I'm so glad he never made any mistakes in his life...ha!
Click to expand...
I regret my mistakes as a parent often, but I also celebrate the GOOD choices I made. I sure didn't get much help from their father.

He once said to me, "You raise the kids and I'll make the money." Seriously. So I think even after the divorce he didn't see that it might be his job to actually teach them anything - that was my job. I think that is still how he saw the Division of Labor.

So, when you think about that, that means he had ONE job (make money at his long-term employer) and I had four or five or six. Sometimes seven or eight when I was also helping extended family:
Take care of each child individually,
take care of myself,
and work at my job.
Oh, plus attend college part-time.

Golly, how could anyone not have been perfect at all times under that much stress? LOSER!

I am very grateful to myself that he is no longer in my ear.
You might be right - it might be the GF. It sounds very painful. I think I would always be calling, just to try to get a relationship going with him again. But I'm sure there is much you are not telling us that is bad.
 
VintageBetter said:
.... I think I would always be calling, just to try to get a relationship going with him again.
Click to expand...
I admit I would do same. I tried for 20 years with my nephews. I think I'd go as far as to stalk my son, at home, at work. At least I think so. Let him have me arrested for loving too much.
 
Goodness. Why unload on him? He has opened the door a crack. Just be his nice loving mother. All unloading will do is shut the door and probably add another lock. I know people who would love for a long lost child to send them such a text message. It shows hope. Just reply lovingly, and don’t expect much. Time is working its magic.
 
Colleen said:
This has happened so many times. I always respond (lovingly) and then I don't hear from him in months/years. I've tried to keep a conversation going in the past but I got short answers and then no answers. I've always had my suspicions that it isn't really him that's "talking" to me. His words don't sound like him. I might be wrong, but I think it's his girlfriend that he's lived with for over 20 years. IDK.
Click to expand...
To be honest, the message sounds more like his girlfriend, than your "shitty son".
But, I guess, you got to do what a mother has to do.
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top