Serious Family Health Issue

some call it a state of "dissasociation" - apparently some people do it all the time?
 

Sunflower52 said:
My 50 year old son was diagnosed with cancer two weeks ago which left us all rearming. . There’s so many unknowns. Same day of his biopsy my daughter in law went on a 3 week vacation with a family member , a vacation that was planned 2 years ago. Leaving 2 children for my ailing son to care for , most of the time.

My daughter in law. Lost her father 8 months ago . was on vacation with her mother , leaving her very sick father Behind but had to return home 5 days into vacation. because he died much earlier Than expected. Her. youngrr brother died unexpectedly 5 mo tbs later. She’s been through hell. Now her husband my son diagnosed with cancer.

my daughter in law., I love dearly. We have a wonder ful relationship. I understand her need to go on this dream vacation. Due to all the losses shes endured and the next year will be hell on her.

but at the same time I. Disappointed In her leaving my son , just being diagnosed, So many more tests To determine the stage, his prognosis , the type of cancer we’re dealing with. .i keep asking myself what kind of wife is she to leave at a time like this. . She’s even expanded the holidays from 2 week To 3 weeks since diagnosis. . I have so many emotions. Greif , extreme anxiety. ,devssted. Angry at my daughter in laws How dare she leave him at a time line this, but understanding at the same time. We have a great mother in law. Daughter in law relationship which I want to keep , but how do I cope with this ?
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I think I'd have to know more facts before I can get mad at her. Questions are not in order of importance.

1. What kind of work does she do? Is it high stress?
2. Where is the dream vacation to and how many years has she longed to take this trip?
3. How is your son feeling today? Is he even well enough to care for the kids?
4. Does he have any other family or friends who will be able to come over and help him while she is gone?
5. Did she offer to stay but her husband said, "No, no, I'll be fine. You go and have a great time"?
6. Does she show a pattern of selfishness in the marriage or is this just a one-off?
7. How much money would they lose if she cancelled the trip? Some vacations are not able to be cancelled.
8. The family member she is going with, is she/he also counting on your DIL to be there for them because they have been through some bad stuff?
 
Sunflower52 said:
To watch my sons face, the loss of so much weight in such a short period of time . We know there’s something suspicious showing on his lung and spleen and tumour is behind tbe liver, the size of a baseball and tbe cancer is aggressive.
I guess I expect everyone to do the same as I would Do. Be there for my husband In every way Inpossible for the most scariest. Time of his life. To support him him, Take hiim For his treatments. . This is not the time for him to be alone. Sotry. My daughter in laws love of travel is epic. Ctvsts her career. . It’s a part of who she is. I want to co ti he to have a good relationship with her . So I’m. Got g to have to eat this for the sake of family unity. At this difficult time
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Your comment here makes me worry she is just being self-involved.
 

Sunflower52 said:
My daughter in law and her mother flew to Europe , leaving a terminally ill husband and father behi d at his insistence. Everyone thought he had 2 years. But just the week before. Mother and daughter left, husband and father couldn’t get out of bed but rallied. Mother and daughter was in 4 th day of vacation, and called back home. Father and husband died In Their absence. Not only were they grief stricken but lived with extreme guilt. For months. The latter turned out to be the hardest to bear. But now she is repeating The same decision To go on vacation.
my son is a very compassionate person , and like my daughter in laws father, insisted she goes. But I know him. He put his feelings aside and placed her insatiable need for travel first and foremost. But I know he’s lonely and in physical pain And fear Of the unknown. She literally dropped him off at the hospital to have a biopsy completed so she can catch her flight in time. . He has to take himself for a body scan and his prognosis. And treatment plan alone while shes looking at the pretty scenery , experience. The cultures. Food. And so on and God knows what he’s going to hear.
I love her but right now I’m extremely disappointed But for family unity m I will not show my true feelings. My son who I see through my lenses as a small boy . Mama Bear is not happy. We’re desperate.
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I'm so sorry. I have to wonder if this travel with her mother is simply something she holds so dear to her heart that is makes her blind to suffering around her. Does that make sense? Maybe she gets myopic with this hobby. Ever met anyone who will be obsessed with, for example, basketball, so they cannot think of anything else but the playoffs when their wife is giving birth and even watch the game on TV while she is in labor? Guys will laugh about that, but women tend to think a man is a ******e when he does that.

Doesn't help that your son urged her to go.

It also does not help that in society now, oh my God, there is so much emphasis among young people to travel and see the world "before it is fried to a crisp". There is a lot of that thinking now - fear of missing out (FOMO).

With our generation, we did not have this FOMO. We all thought like maybe, if we are lucky, we'll see the world when we're old - after the kids are grown and we might have some spare savings. We were always the generation who put travel off until we were older.

So, she's also using the travel to brag to her friends about Her Great Life and fit in with her peers - letting the FOMO drive her. Social media sure does not help with the FOMO - if your friends are posting pictures from their great trip to Aruba, you're online looking at cruise ships too so YOU can post YOUR pictures of Bermuda!

They compete with each other, just like my ex-husband was always in silent competition with his brother to own stuff.

I hope you might find a way to talk to her gently about how your son really needs her support now. Send her all kinds of information and BOOKS on how to support someone with cancer, or links to videos if there are any videos on the topic. I know there's TED talks from cancer patients. Send her those.
 
VintageBetter said:
So, she's also using the travel to brag to her friends about Her Great Life and fit in with her peers - letting the FOMO drive her. Social media sure does not help with the FOMO - if your friends are posting pictures from their great trip to Aruba, you're online looking at cruise ships too so YOU can post YOUR pictures of Bermuda!
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I’ve read and re-read Sunflowers posts and no where do I see that her daughter in law is bragging about travelling to her online friends.


You also write about fear of missing out, how ‘young people fear missing out.( FOMO) I’m not sure how old the DIL is but her son is 50. That’s not really considered old.

Its seems that you’ve added things to the story that just weren’t there. Sunflower does state that she has a very loving relationship with her DIL. She admits that she wishes she didn’t feel this way.

We don’t know this DIL. We only know what the OP has shared. Your post seems very presumptuous. You seem to be assuming things that just haven’t even been discussed.
 
lot of speculation going on atm ; guesswork ; maybe /maybe not - have we been asked to speculate at all or are we just prying??
 
PeppermintPatty said:
I’ve read and re-read Sunflowers posts and no where do I see that her daughter in law is bragging about travelling to her online friends.


You also write about fear of missing out, how ‘young people fear missing out.( FOMO) I’m not sure how old the DIL is but her son is 50. That’s not really considered old.

Its seems that you’ve added things to the story that just weren’t there. Sunflower does state that she has a very loving relationship with her DIL. She admits that she wishes she didn’t feel this way.

We don’t know this DIL. We only know what the OP has shared. Your post seems very presumptuous. You seem to be assuming things that just haven’t even been discussed.
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Patty, I was not saying her DIL was doing that. What I'm saying is that there is a LOT of competition online, although not always expressed obviously, usually it is subtly expressed, and people do use their online personas to COMPETE with one another in one way or another.

What I'm saying is that maybe, either consciously or unconsciously, her DIL is "keeping up withe the Joneses" in her travel.

"Its seems that you’ve added things to the story that just weren’t there."
I am HYPOTHESIZING about what is going on in DIL head since she's not here for me to interview.

Hypothesize: to give a possible but not yet proved explanation for something.

You'll also notice I posted many questions that OP has not yet answered. Does she have to answer those here? NO! But I posted them to help her (and us) examine things more clearly if she decided to respond to those.

TIS NO BIG DEAL. I AM SURE O.P. CAN HANDLE THIS ISSUE WITHOUT OUR HELP. I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP HER THINK THROUGH THE ISSUES.

If you don't like how I do that, my methods of communication, that's fine. You dislike me. That's fine. We do not have to like one another. But please don't falsely accuse me when I'm just trying to help O.P. think things through. I'm not trying to HARM her or her DIL.
 
Murrmurr said:
Maybe she talked about it with your son, and he told her to go. I would have, in his shoes. They don't know much yet. I don't think she's being unreasonable.
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Sure, he's a great guy and a good son and doesn't want to interrupt anyone's plans. But, in reality, what's he really thinking? Maybe, "You're leaving me at a time like this? At my lowest point in life?"

There are a lot of variables going on here that no knows just yet what's what with the cancer. I had a friend that went to the doctor on a Monday, found out he had stage 4 lymphoma and died on Friday.

I want to know what's going on before I leave a loved one and BTW, I would have told them to go ahead also, but I would have "wished" they wouldn't have. I can't think of 1 cancer patient that never wanted some family support. I'm not saying the family was wrong to go because the son told them it's OK, go, but I would bet that he would wished they would have stuck around until the information was in.

Sometimes, we just have to use common sense, or as a friend of mine once said "good sense" because if it was common sense, everyone would have some and yet not everyone does.
 
911 said:
Sure, he's a great guy and a good son and doesn't want to interrupt anyone's plans. But, in reality, what's he really thinking? Maybe, "You're leaving me at a time like this? At my lowest point in life?"

There are a lot of variables going on here that no knows just yet what's what with the cancer. I had a friend that went to the doctor on a Monday, found out he had stage 4 lymphoma and died on Friday.

I want to know what's going on before I leave a loved one and BTW, I would have told them to go ahead also, but I would have "wished" they wouldn't have. I can't think of 1 cancer patient that never wanted some family support. I'm not saying the family was wrong to go because the son told them it's OK, go, but I would bet that he would wished they would have stuck around until the information was in.

Sometimes, we just have to use common sense, or as a friend of mine once said "good sense" because if it was common sense, everyone would have some and yet not everyone does.
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I don't know if I would have told the loved one to go or not. It would really depend on how sick I am and how much care I could find from other sources.

I have lost so many people due to death in the past 20 years that I have become very pragmatic about it. Example: "Go take your trip, I'll still be here dying when you get back." IDK. I really don't know what I'd do in this situation. Probably very much depends on what the doctors said and how much time I'd have left.

I would also be super-resentful that the loved ones did not take me with them on the trip if I were able to travel.
 
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VintageBetter said:
I don't know if I would have told the loved one to go or not. It would really depend on how sick I am and how much care I could find from other sources.

I have lost so many people due to death in the past 20 years that I have become very pragmatic about it. Example: "Go take your trip, I'll still be here dying when you get back." IDK. I really don't know what I'd do in this situation. Probably very much depends on what the doctors said and how much time I'd have left.

I would also be super-resentful that the loved ones did not take me with them on the trip if I were able to travel.
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Agreed. Before I leave a loved one that was just diagnosed with cancer, I want to know more and I want to be there for that person and yes, I have done that.

My neighbor from the old neighborhood where I lived prior to my new address had cancer in his right lung and it was removed. Meanwhile, his live-in girlfriend had plans to go visit her parents and we were to go on a 2-day trip to NYC. He told his girlfriend to go ahead and go, he will be fine for a week. I made an excuse to cancel my trip and stick around, just in case.

We were really good friends and I cared about him. He knew what I did because he knew I was supposed to go to New York with my son for 2 days to see the Yankees play. We decided we would go later in the season, which we did. Getting rid of Yankee tickets were never a problem, especially when they were playing the Red Sox that series. I felt that I was or could be needed there. He had no family in the area, which is really the reason I stayed behind. He was out of the hospital for less than 2 weeks.

Nothing happened and that was a good thing, but if anything would have and I had left, I would have felt some guilt because that's just the way I am. My wife always told me that I care too much about other people. Is there such a thing? I don't know and never wanted to ask my psychologist because that would have started another long conversation.
 
Murrmurr said:
Maybe she talked about it with your son, and he told her to go. I would have, in his shoes. They don't know much yet. I don't think she's being unreasonable.
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This was my first thought, and if this were my family i would have asked my son if they discussed it and how he feels about her stll taking the trip. He may want some time to begin coming terms with it without having to directly have to deal with her feelings about it at same time.

@Sunflower52, How old are the children? Even if teens your son and wife may want to put off telling them until they know more and have begun to emotionally process it the selves, if their Mom canceled trip they'd surely know some bad news was pending.

Like some else said, be there for your son, tho i'd recommend asking what kind of help/support he needs and respecting whatever choices the couple has made about when/how they will inform the children.

Even when loved ones handle things differently than we would, we need to realize the choices are theirs, not ours. Depending our relationship with them an open discussion of options might be possible but ultimately their lives, their choice.

I am sorry you are experiencing this, none us expects our children to precede us in death. And your grief is complicated by your feelings about DIL's choice. It might be helpful for you to know how he feels about her going.
 
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VintageBetter said:
Patty, I was not saying her DIL was doing that. What I'm saying is that there is a LOT of competition online, although not always expressed obviously, usually it is subtly expressed, and people do use their online personas to COMPETE with one another in one way or another.

What I'm saying is that maybe, either consciously or unconsciously, her DIL is "keeping up withe the Joneses" in her travel.

"Its seems that you’ve added things to the story that just weren’t there."
I am HYPOTHESIZING about what is going on in DIL head since she's not here for me to interview.

Hypothesize: to give a possible but not yet proved explanation for something.

You'll also notice I posted many questions that OP has not yet answered. Does she have to answer those here? NO! But I posted them to help her (and us) examine things more clearly if she decided to respond to those.

TIS NO BIG DEAL. I AM SURE O.P. CAN HANDLE THIS ISSUE WITHOUT OUR HELP. I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP HER THINK THROUGH THE ISSUES.

If you don't like how I do that, my methods of communication, that's fine. You dislike me. That's fine. We do not have to like one another. But please don't falsely accuse me when I'm just trying to help O.P. think things through. I'm not trying to HARM her or her DIL.
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I don’t dislike you and I’m not falsely accusing you of anything. You stated something about the DIL that just wasn’t true. You accused her of bragging online about going on a vacation when there was no evidence at all. Thats a ‘false’ accusation. Period. I don’t think it’s fair to the DIL.

I don’t automatically hate someone on this forum if I don’t agree with them. I’m sure there’s people on this forum who don’t agree with me. In fact, just the other day I defended someone who I thought was being unfairly picked on and a forum friend kindly showed me how and why I was wrong. I didn’t automatically hate her for not agreeing with me. She was right and I was flat out wrong. I’m ok with that. I believe it’s called a mature conversation.
 
911 said:
Agreed. Before I leave a loved one that was just diagnosed with cancer, I want to know more and I want to be there for that person and yes, I have done that.

My neighbor from the old neighborhood where I lived prior to my new address had cancer in his right lung and it was removed. Meanwhile, his live-in girlfriend had plans to go visit her parents and we were to go on a 2-day trip to NYC. He told his girlfriend to go ahead and go, he will be fine for a week. I made an excuse to cancel my trip and stick around, just in case.

We were really good friends and I cared about him. He knew what I did because he knew I was supposed to go to New York with my son for 2 days to see the Yankees play. We decided we would go later in the season, which we did. Getting rid of Yankee tickets were never a problem, especially when they were playing the Red Sox that series. I felt that I was or could be needed there. He had no family in the area, which is really the reason I stayed behind. He was out of the hospital for less than 2 weeks.

Nothing happened and that was a good thing, but if anything would have and I had left, I would have felt some guilt because that's just the way I am. My wife always told me that I care too much about other people. Is there such a thing? I don't know and never wanted to ask my psychologist because that would have started another long conversation.
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I think maybe you should be giving Good Guy lessons somewhere. Open to all ages.
 
VintageBetter said:
I think maybe you should be giving Good Guy lessons somewhere. Open to all ages.
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I found out early in life after school, of course, that it's easier to like or love people, instead of disliking or hating people. I give everyone a chance to show me what type of person they are and then I treat them accordingly to how they treat others and myself.
 

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