What is Your Problem?

Youngster

Youngster

Member
Have you run into a snag on a project you're working on? One that YouTube doesn't seem to have an answer for.
This forum has members from all types of backgrounds and many diverse skills. Together we have the resources to solve most issues.
If you've run into something you can't find a work around for, post it here. Maybe someone will have the answer you're looking for.
 

officerripley said:
How to convince my huzz we need to move.
Click to expand...
Are you both retired? Do you own your home? Where do you want to move to? What's his reason for staying put? What's your reason for wanting to move?
 

Youngster said:
Are you both retired? Do you own your home? Where do you want to move to? What's his reason for staying put? What's your reason for wanting to move?
Click to expand...
Yes, both retired, never had kids, and own the home. I want to move just a few miles away to a home no smaller (maybe even larger) than what we're in now but on a nice managable-sized lot rather than all this acreage and to a place that's within walking distance of stores, etc. (I no longer drive and no buses out here; public transportation is considered c0mmunist around here.)

His reason for not wanting to move is that this is the only home he's ever owned; grew up poor and lived in their car sometimes (in 100F weather and his mom was pregnant 1 of the times). So his attitude is "Don't take away the only thing I've ever owned!" and mine is I'm so lonely out here in the boonies and so worried about what we'll do when he can no longer drive (whether he'll admit it or not; being a man, he probably will never admit it) and we need help with keeping this big place up.

Sure, we can hire things around here done; we already have someone come and mow the lawns. And if he'd allow it--he won't--see if I can find Uber or Lyft to take me places, but I'm sick and tired of being out here in this old lonely rural setting where you only get a glimpse of the neighbors with binoculars; I'm sick of it! I'd love to be somewhere where there might be some neighbor ladies nearby that I could easily visit with.
 
officerripley said:
How to convince my huzz we need to move.
Click to expand...
My hubby does not get rid of anything. He is not a hoarder. We can walk through our condo easily. But there is a lot of sh.. around. Also renos to do around the condo will probably never happen. He doesn't notice stuff that I do. We have had carpets for 30 years that have holes in them, for example.

In answer to your question, a friend told me to tell my husband if he didn't do what I wanted, say that I wanted a divorce. But as much as I hate the inside of our condo, I still love my husband and don't want to leave. By the way, I have tried crying, yelling, pleading, being calm, nothing works. I think we are both stuck with our problems unfortunately. I have very recently, decided to hell with it and I deal with the stress of it by immersing myself in art courses.
 
LoveTulips said:
My hubby does not get rid of anything. He is not a hoarder. We can walk through our condo easily. But there is a lot of sh.. around. Also renos to do around the condo will probably never happen. He doesn't notice stuff that I do. We have had carpets for 30 years that have holes in them, for example.

In answer to your question, a friend told me to tell my husband if he didn't do what I wanted, say that I wanted a divorce. But as much as I hate the inside of our condo, I still love my husband and don't want to leave. By the way, I have tried crying, yelling, pleading, being calm, nothing works. I think we are both stuck with our problems unfortunately. I have very recently, decided to hell with it and I deal with the stress of it by immersing myself in art courses.
Click to expand...
I understand your frustration..... but I could not, not, not live with carpets that are worn or in holes...oh no... I would just go and choose a carpet and pay for it.. and let them come and fit it...
 
officerripley said:
"Don't take away the only thing I've ever owned!"
Click to expand...
Have you had a conversation with your husband about how you feel & what your needs are? Marriage is a partnership that should have each partner wanting the other to live their years together to live their best life.

From your post it seems like moving wouldn't impact you financially if you sold the home. No way to know your age but the older you get & the lonelier you feel resentment may build that you don't want or need to experience.
 
officerripley said:
Yes, both retired, never had kids, and own the home. I want to move just a few miles away to a home no smaller (maybe even larger) than what we're in now but on a nice managable-sized lot rather than all this acreage and to a place that's within walking distance of stores, etc. (I no longer drive and no buses out here; public transportation is considered c0mmunist around here.)

His reason for not wanting to move is that this is the only home he's ever owned; grew up poor and lived in their car sometimes (in 100F weather and his mom was pregnant 1 of the times). So his attitude is "Don't take away the only thing I've ever owned!" and mine is I'm so lonely out here in the boonies and so worried about what we'll do when he can no longer drive (whether he'll admit it or not; being a man, he probably will never admit it) and we need help with keeping this big place up.

Sure, we can hire things around here done; we already have someone come and mow the lawns. And if he'd allow it--he won't--see if I can find Uber or Lyft to take me places, but I'm sick and tired of being out here in this old lonely rural setting where you only get a glimpse of the neighbors with binoculars; I'm sick of it! I'd love to be somewhere where there might be some neighbor ladies nearby that I could easily visit with.
Click to expand...

Does he truly know how deeply unhappy you are? Have you sat down and laid it out for him? Not the convenience and all, but how it makes you feel? Perhaps it's time for a heart to heart?
 
My bathroom sink drain was slow, so I tried using a drain snake. Even though I was careful, it broke through the trap. I knew in my heart I should have let it alone, but had to be an idiot and try anyway. My problem is, I don't listen to my heart.
 
hollydolly said:
do you manage it?.. because I fail dismally at it.. at 69...
Click to expand...

Depends on how I'm feeling.

When I'm feeling especially good, I lose my sense of caution and agree to go down the long twisty playground slide that dumps you out at the bottom with the 4-year-old and that takes care of feeling good for the foreseeable future, which keeps me from doing anything exceptionally stupid for a while.

Then I get to feeling spritely again and I forget that I'm a 76-year-old Hag and the whole rigamaroll starts all over again.

We're going to the trampoline park next week. Wish me luck.
 
VaughanJB said:
Does he truly know how deeply unhappy you are? Have you sat down and laid it out for him? Not the convenience and all, but how it makes you feel? Perhaps it's time for a heart to heart?
Click to expand...
Oh yes, we've discussed it more than once but I keep getting from him, "Look you won't have to put up with this situation--or me, for that matter--much longer. You know how short-lived we are in my family; at 77 I'm on borrowed time. I won't be around that much longer and then you can do whatever the hell you want."

He's in perfectly good health. He is right about his family, though; the longest-lived family member 'till him only lived to 74 and it was said, "Oh, well; we shouldn't be too sad; he had a good long life." :oops: My mother-in-law didn't believe me when I told her one of my great-aunts lived to 102.; "C'mon, now, girl; people don't live that long." Huzz's family are country folk who are almost all heavy cigarette smokers and 100 percent do not trust doctors so most only live to their 60s.

I've heard internet advice that I should push it and threaten divorce if he won't downsize but I've also heard--might've been here on SF, anyway some site--that women who've done that were made to "pay" for it by the husband, him complaining vociferously every day about it ("I'll never forgive you for making me give up my house!") 'till the day they died. And I don't want to take that chance; if that happens, we'll both be miserable; at least only I'm miserable now.

I've even tried telling him how much harder it'd be for me in this big old place if he dies or goes permanently into skilled nursing first rather than if I were in a managable smaller home or condo or something, but all I ever get back is "You'll figure it out." I've heard a lot of women say that's what their husbands say to them too. Do all these stubborn old men take a class?! :mad:

When I told a friend who's been widowed twice--both husbands died suddenly; 1 from an undiagnosed heart problem and the other got sepsis at our local hospital--that he just keeps saying, "You'll figure it out", she said, "Well, I can tell you from first-hand experience that sure, you'd probably manage to 'figure it out' but it would be hell. Take it from me; it's hell."
 
Youngster said:
Have you run into a snag on a project you're working on? One that YouTube doesn't seem to have an answer for.
This forum has members from all types of backgrounds and many diverse skills. Together we have the resources to solve most issues.
If you've run into something you can't find a work around for, post it here. Maybe someone will have the answer you're looking for.
Click to expand...
My project, one of them, is MYSELF and getting mentally better. I'm afraid of my ex-husband. This is not irrational, unjustified, crazy fear. He has done horrible things to me.

He's very sneaky and secretive, and that's why he's gotten away with it. But holy ****, he presents like such a nice guy that truly, he has made me afraid to date. I always think I'm going to get involved with another surface "nice guy" and then he'll turn out to be a Mr. Jeckyll.

Then I think, "If that happens again, would I ever be brave enough to date again?" And the answer is "no". Not at my age. The young who want marriage and kids, they might be brave enough to date after being so psychologically abused, but for old ladies? I know I am not alone with the other old ladies who says, "Eh."

If it happened a 2nd time, if I got involved for a year or two with another man who presents as so nice but has a double-life and is really a criminal-level scoundrel, I'd say to myself, "I'm obviously incapable of choosing a truly GUILELESS man, so **** dating."

I've been alone for a long time. I've grown quite used to it.

But I'm tellin' ya, he is a wolf in sheep's clothing. He is Biblical-level scary, IMO. And the legal system has NO REMEDY - not that I am aware of. He and his business partners should have been accused and prosecuted of something, but I was the only one they chose to hate, and I found out way past the statute of limitations about their crimes.

That's been one of the worst parts - how they scapegoated me. I totally understand now how innocent people can be FORCED and coerced by police into false confessions. The psychological torture can be so strong that some people will give up and say anything they think the powerful group wants to hear just to make them stop.

It's an unexpected thing for a White lady to say, but I understand the Central Park 5 and their false confessions.

But this is also why I have become such an outspoken feminist. Men don't like to believe women. Well, that's a male problem, NOT a female problem. And some women don't like to believe women either because they have partnered up with the GUYS so they can be successful in their careers (think Mark Zuckerberg and Sheryl Sandberg. Perfect example. Her success was as his satellite, which is how so many business "marriages" work.)

It's also why I have such a hard time going to church - they are so male dominated. Even if the preacher is female, the LITURGY was, in most cases, written by men. The liturgy and Bible commentary books were not written 50/50 by men and women. It's male thinking patterns and male interpretations passed down over 100s of years and no church has yet broken free from that male gaze.

My ex has deceived a lot of people, including our children. Some who know of his deceptions admire him for it. They just think he's wicked smart and ripping off and abusing the mother of your children is simply NORMAL - even for a so-called Christian who claims to believe in the 10 Commandments and the "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" stuff.

Then, when I look at my ex and his behaviors and lies and think, "This is what the CHURCH says a true Christian is?" it's just one more reason to avoid going to church. I DO NOT WANT to meet or mingle with anyone who calls him a "true Christian". They have their heads up their *&^%$#*s if they call him that.

Ironically, I can still find great comfort in reading the Bible and the words of Christ. I have become like Ghandi now, I guess - not in his religion but in his opinion of organized religion. He reportedly said, " I love Christ. It's just that so many of you Christians are so unlike Christ."

Oh well. It's Sunday so I'm thinking of these Sunday matters.
 
officerripley said:
Yes, both retired, never had kids, and own the home. I want to move just a few miles away to a home no smaller (maybe even larger) than what we're in now but on a nice managable-sized lot rather than all this acreage and to a place that's within walking distance of stores, etc. (I no longer drive and no buses out here; public transportation is considered c0mmunist around here.)

His reason for not wanting to move is that this is the only home he's ever owned; grew up poor and lived in their car sometimes (in 100F weather and his mom was pregnant 1 of the times). So his attitude is "Don't take away the only thing I've ever owned!" and mine is I'm so lonely out here in the boonies and so worried about what we'll do when he can no longer drive (whether he'll admit it or not; being a man, he probably will never admit it) and we need help with keeping this big place up.

Sure, we can hire things around here done; we already have someone come and mow the lawns. And if he'd allow it--he won't--see if I can find Uber or Lyft to take me places, but I'm sick and tired of being out here in this old lonely rural setting where you only get a glimpse of the neighbors with binoculars; I'm sick of it! I'd love to be somewhere where there might be some neighbor ladies nearby that I could easily visit with.
Click to expand...
I don't know what hubby's problem really is if you'd move. On the face of it, he sounds quite selfish and too old to hold onto his long-ago past.

This sounds mean, but maybe lay down the law and start packing some things to drive your intention home. Remind him that he'd be a miserable, lonely old fool without you.
Remind him of the benefits to himself if he'd move.

Maybe he's just scared of handling the unknown, but what else can you do?

Wish you the best, Ripley! 🌹
 
RadishRose said:
I don't know what hubby's problem really is if you'd move. On the face of it, he sounds quite selfish and too old to hold onto his long-ago past.

This sounds mean, but maybe lay down the law and start packing some things to drive your intention home. Remind him that he'd be a miserable, lonely old fool without you.
Remind him of the benefits to himself if he'd move.

Maybe he's just scared of handling the unknown, but what else can you do?

Wish you the best, Ripley! 🌹
Click to expand...
I agree that he's too old to be holding onto the long-ago past but he doesn't seem any more selfish to me than any other men of my acquaintance (including relatives, from grandfathers down to siblings) except my 2 nephews; guys in school, co-workers, guys I dated, girlfriends' boyfriends/husbands, neighbors; every last guy I can think of always thought of themselves first.

I have packed up and gotten rid of a bunch of stuff but his reaction has been "Good! Looks more tidy in here!" I've also tried to tell him of the benefits of downsizing closer to town but he thought the benefits I brought up were points against moving. For ex:: I said once, "Wouldn't you like to live somewhere where we could walk right out the front door and walk (on real sidewalks! I miss those so much!) to places?" He said, "No! I don't want to walk anywhere! Poor people have to walk everywhere and it depresses me to see people walking like that."

He does like to walk if he's gotten in the car and driven to a park; he says that's ok but to walk somewhere to run an errand--shop, do banking, appointments, etc.--is depressing because that's how he grew up and he hated having to walk everywhere.
 
VintageBetter said:
My project, one of them, is MYSELF and getting mentally better. I'm afraid of my ex-husband. This is not irrational, unjustified, crazy fear. He has done horrible things to me.

He's very sneaky and secretive, and that's why he's gotten away with it. But holy ****, he presents like such a nice guy that truly, he has made me afraid to date. I always think I'm going to get involved with another surface "nice guy" and then he'll turn out to be a Mr. Jeckyll.

Then I think, "If that happens again, would I ever be brave enough to date again?" And the answer is "no". Not at my age. The young who want marriage and kids, they might be brave enough to date after being so psychologically abused, but for old ladies? I know I am not alone with the other old ladies who says, "Eh."

If it happened a 2nd time, if I got involved for a year or two with another man who presents as so nice but has a double-life and is really a criminal-level scoundrel, I'd say to myself, "I'm obviously incapable of choosing a truly GUILELESS man, so **** dating."

I've been alone for a long time. I've grown quite used to it.

But I'm tellin' ya, he is a wolf in sheep's clothing. He is Biblical-level scary, IMO. And the legal system has NO REMEDY - not that I am aware of. He and his business partners should have been accused and prosecuted of something, but I was the only one they chose to hate, and I found out way past the statute of limitations about their crimes.

That's been one of the worst parts - how they scapegoated me. I totally understand now how innocent people can be FORCED and coerced by police into false confessions. The psychological torture can be so strong that some people will give up and say anything they think the powerful group wants to hear just to make them stop.

It's an unexpected thing for a White lady to say, but I understand the Central Park 5 and their false confessions.

But this is also why I have become such an outspoken feminist. Men don't like to believe women. Well, that's a male problem, NOT a female problem. And some women don't like to believe women either because they have partnered up with the GUYS so they can be successful in their careers (think Mark Zuckerberg and Sheryl Sandberg. Perfect example. Her success was as his satellite, which is how so many business "marriages" work.)

It's also why I have such a hard time going to church - they are so male dominated. Even if the preacher is female, the LITURGY was, in most cases, written by men. The liturgy and Bible commentary books were not written 50/50 by men and women. It's male thinking patterns and male interpretations passed down over 100s of years and no church has yet broken free from that male gaze.

My ex has deceived a lot of people, including our children. Some who know of his deceptions admire him for it. They just think he's wicked smart and ripping off and abusing the mother of your children is simply NORMAL - even for a so-called Christian who claims to believe in the 10 Commandments and the "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" stuff.

Then, when I look at my ex and his behaviors and lies and think, "This is what the CHURCH says a true Christian is?" it's just one more reason to avoid going to church. I DO NOT WANT to meet or mingle with anyone who calls him a "true Christian". They have their heads up their *&^%$#*s if they call him that.

Ironically, I can still find great comfort in reading the Bible and the words of Christ. I have become like Ghandi now, I guess - not in his religion but in his opinion of organized religion. He reportedly said, " I love Christ. It's just that so many of you Christians are so unlike Christ."

Oh well. It's Sunday so I'm thinking of these Sunday matters.
Click to expand...
Vintage, I feel so bad for you. And I'm afraid that there are a lot of men like your ex, unfortunately in positions of power sometimes. Hugs to you.
 
officerripley said:
I agree that he's too old to be holding onto the long-ago past but he doesn't seem any more selfish to me than any other men of my acquaintance (including relatives, from grandfathers down to siblings) except my 2 nephews; guys in school, co-workers, guys I dated, girlfriends' boyfriends/husbands, neighbors; every last guy I can think of always thought of themselves first.

I have packed up and gotten rid of a bunch of stuff but his reaction has been "Good! Looks more tidy in here!" I've also tried to tell him of the benefits of downsizing closer to town but he thought the benefits I brought up were points against moving. For ex:: I said once, "Wouldn't you like to live somewhere where we could walk right out the front door and walk (on real sidewalks! I miss those so much!) to places?" He said, "No! I don't want to walk anywhere! Poor people have to walk everywhere and it depresses me to see people walking like that."

He does like to walk if he's gotten in the car and driven to a park; he says that's ok but to walk somewhere to run an errand--shop, do banking, appointments, etc.--is depressing because that's how he grew up and he hated having to walk everywhere.
Click to expand...
Gosh, I wish I had a solution for you, my friend.:unsure:
 
VintageBetter said:
My project, one of them, is MYSELF and getting mentally better. I'm afraid of my ex-husband. This is not irrational, unjustified, crazy fear. He has done horrible things to me.

He's very sneaky and secretive, and that's why he's gotten away with it. But holy ****, he presents like such a nice guy that truly, he has made me afraid to date. I always think I'm going to get involved with another surface "nice guy" and then he'll turn out to be a Mr. Jeckyll.

Then I think, "If that happens again, would I ever be brave enough to date again?" And the answer is "no". Not at my age. The young who want marriage and kids, they might be brave enough to date after being so psychologically abused, but for old ladies? I know I am not alone with the other old ladies who says, "Eh."

If it happened a 2nd time, if I got involved for a year or two with another man who presents as so nice but has a double-life and is really a criminal-level scoundrel, I'd say to myself, "I'm obviously incapable of choosing a truly GUILELESS man, so **** dating."

I've been alone for a long time. I've grown quite used to it.

But I'm tellin' ya, he is a wolf in sheep's clothing. He is Biblical-level scary, IMO. And the legal system has NO REMEDY - not that I am aware of. He and his business partners should have been accused and prosecuted of something, but I was the only one they chose to hate, and I found out way past the statute of limitations about their crimes.

That's been one of the worst parts - how they scapegoated me. I totally understand now how innocent people can be FORCED and coerced by police into false confessions. The psychological torture can be so strong that some people will give up and say anything they think the powerful group wants to hear just to make them stop.

It's an unexpected thing for a White lady to say, but I understand the Central Park 5 and their false confessions.

But this is also why I have become such an outspoken feminist. Men don't like to believe women. Well, that's a male problem, NOT a female problem. And some women don't like to believe women either because they have partnered up with the GUYS so they can be successful in their careers (think Mark Zuckerberg and Sheryl Sandberg. Perfect example. Her success was as his satellite, which is how so many business "marriages" work.)

It's also why I have such a hard time going to church - they are so male dominated. Even if the preacher is female, the LITURGY was, in most cases, written by men. The liturgy and Bible commentary books were not written 50/50 by men and women. It's male thinking patterns and male interpretations passed down over 100s of years and no church has yet broken free from that male gaze.

My ex has deceived a lot of people, including our children. Some who know of his deceptions admire him for it. They just think he's wicked smart and ripping off and abusing the mother of your children is simply NORMAL - even for a so-called Christian who claims to believe in the 10 Commandments and the "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" stuff.

Then, when I look at my ex and his behaviors and lies and think, "This is what the CHURCH says a true Christian is?" it's just one more reason to avoid going to church. I DO NOT WANT to meet or mingle with anyone who calls him a "true Christian". They have their heads up their *&^%$#*s if they call him that.

Ironically, I can still find great comfort in reading the Bible and the words of Christ. I have become like Ghandi now, I guess - not in his religion but in his opinion of organized religion. He reportedly said, " I love Christ. It's just that so many of you Christians are so unlike Christ."

Oh well. It's Sunday so I'm thinking of these Sunday matters.
Click to expand...
Karma will take care of him. Let it be so.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top