What is Your Problem?

officerripley said:
Yes, both retired, never had kids, and own the home. I want to move just a few miles away to a home no smaller (maybe even larger) than what we're in now but on a nice managable-sized lot rather than all this acreage and to a place that's within walking distance of stores, etc. (I no longer drive and no buses out here; public transportation is considered c0mmunist around here.)

His reason for not wanting to move is that this is the only home he's ever owned; grew up poor and lived in their car sometimes (in 100F weather and his mom was pregnant 1 of the times). So his attitude is "Don't take away the only thing I've ever owned!" and mine is I'm so lonely out here in the boonies and so worried about what we'll do when he can no longer drive (whether he'll admit it or not; being a man, he probably will never admit it) and we need help with keeping this big place up.

Sure, we can hire things around here done; we already have someone come and mow the lawns. And if he'd allow it--he won't--see if I can find Uber or Lyft to take me places, but I'm sick and tired of being out here in this old lonely rural setting where you only get a glimpse of the neighbors with binoculars; I'm sick of it! I'd love to be somewhere where there might be some neighbor ladies nearby that I could easily visit with.
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I know what you're going through. My Hubby wouldn't ever think of moving. My boys often said to him, "C'mon Dad it will be a new adventure for you and Mum", but it did no good. He was a collector of anything, and our garage was full of all of that. I gave up in the end and when he became ill and finally passed on, I was left with all that clearing away of his lifelong collections. It took me a good 3 months and finally I put the home on the market, and it sold within 5 days. I am so glad I did this as I couldn't have stayed on in that old home before it started to fall down.
 

A couple of these posts hit home.
I've waited for a shower to get repaired for 5,6 years? I lost count. Finally, someone is coming to do the job. It is however one of many jobs that will take years to accomplish.
Calling and just getting it done, like carpets @LoveTulips doesn't work. Or I should say isn't worth the trauma it creates on a person with hoarder/control issues. Right?
Yes, the hoarding. I live with a hoarder and he lives with someone with some OCD. Somehow we've worked it out. You could tell if you walked around my house which space was whose.
I wanted to move for so long @officerripley but I realize it's not going to happen and now with the lack of affordable housing I'm not so keen on giving up this house. Just trying to make it senior friendly. If he goes first I'll move into a senior complex of some type.
If I can be patient he will get things done but ONLY if it is his idea, his way, and his timetable. I have "work arounds" I've learned through the years to move him along on these processes. šŸ˜‰
 
hearlady said:
I could share mine. There's plenty of complaint material to go around. šŸ˜Š
Just kidding. I know you miss your husband. I wish at he was there too. šŸ˜
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One time we were arguing and I got so frustrated and I yelled "You're the Stupidest Man in the World, the Stupidest" and he laughed and said "what does that make you? The wife of the stupidest man in the world."
Grrrrrr.
Look at me. I can still complain about him, he left such a wealth behind of annoying stuff!
 
I have to add. Over the years I stop and ask myself if this current frustration is worth getting divorced over.
No, it isn't. He's a good man. Many great qualities and I'm not always a prize, if ya know what I mean. šŸ˜‰
So, I move on from there and deal with it.
 
hearlady said:
I have to add. Over the years I stop and ask myself if this current frustration is worth getting divorced over.
No, it isn't. He's a good man. Many great qualities and I'm not always a prize, if ya know what I mean. šŸ˜‰
So, I move on from there and deal with it.
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Re: the shower and the hoarding. The best part about becoming a single parent was that I never had to wait for anyone to fix anything again. Either it's not going to get repaired soon ( not enough money), or I would have to learn how to fix it (which I have in many cases) or I'm going to hire someone to repair it. NO MORE WAITING with all the fake promises from the partner.

That is not a good enough reason to get a divorce, IMO, but it was a perk. But waiting on false promises - that can be maddening.

2nd: the hoarding. I would totally drag in him into counseling with me for that and here is the compromise I would work on: if he sees certain things he's kept since 1975 as desperately needed, OK. But darn it, I'm going to buy a bunch of Ikea cabinets and cheap wardrobes and store the crap BEHIND DOORS.

If he's going to keep all that stuff, he has to respect MY EYES and let me put it into cabinets. (I might even label the shelves.)

But you're right, if he's a good guy and he's never been abusive, and you still love him and he's good company, then yeah. It's easier to buy cabinets and hire a plumber and tile man than it is to find a new spouse past about age 40 or 50. (By age 50, in my area, the men are all dating the 25+ age range because so many have decided late in life that they'd like to "experience" being a father. They've seen the globe, they have money, so now they want to "experience" fatherhood - like it's a theme park ride.)
 
LoveTulips said:
My hubby does not get rid of anything. He is not a hoarder. We can walk through our condo easily. But there is a lot of sh.. around. Also renos to do around the condo will probably never happen. He doesn't notice stuff that I do. We have had carpets for 30 years that have holes in them, for example.

In answer to your question, a friend told me to tell my husband if he didn't do what I wanted, say that I wanted a divorce. But as much as I hate the inside of our condo, I still love my husband and don't want to leave. By the way, I have tried crying, yelling, pleading, being calm, nothing works. I think we are both stuck with our problems unfortunately. I have very recently, decided to hell with it and I deal with the stress of it by immersing myself in art courses.
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Another idea - buy big area rugs and if you cannot move the furniture yourself to lay those down, hire a couple of movers over at the UHaul website. They have a 2- hour minimum, but if it only takes them an hour then so be it.

I have been a renter for MANY years and area rugs are always my saviors for carpeting I dislike, or that doesn't go with my stuff, or if I just want to protect the carpets so the landlord won't charge me a bogus cleaning fee when I move.

They have some lovely rugs you can see in person at Lowes and Home Depot. Can be like putting art on your floor.
 
Judycat said:
My bathroom sink drain was slow, so I tried using a drain snake. Even though I was careful, it broke through the trap. I knew in my heart I should have let it alone, but had to be an idiot and try anyway. My problem is, I don't listen to my heart.
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I've always found that plain old drain clog remover liquid works great.
 
VintageBetter said:
Re: the shower and the hoarding. The best part about becoming a single parent was that I never had to wait for anyone to fix anything again. Either it's not going to get repaired soon ( not enough money), or I would have to learn how to fix it (which I have in many cases) or I'm going to hire someone to repair it. NO MORE WAITING with all the fake promises from the partner.

That is not a good enough reason to get a divorce, IMO, but it was a perk. But waiting on false promises - that can be maddening.

2nd: the hoarding. I would totally drag in him into counseling with me for that and here is the compromise I would work on: if he sees certain things he's kept since 1975 as desperately needed, OK. But darn it, I'm going to buy a bunch of Ikea cabinets and cheap wardrobes and store the crap BEHIND DOORS.

If he's going to keep all that stuff, he has to respect MY EYES and let me put it into cabinets. (I might even label the shelves.)

But you're right, if he's a good guy and he's never been abusive, and you still love him and he's good company, then yeah. It's easier to buy cabinets and hire a plumber and tile man than it is to find a new spouse past about age 40 or 50. (By age 50, in my area, the men are all dating the 25+ age range because so many have decided late in life that they'd like to "experience" being a father. They've seen the globe, they have money, so now they want to "experience" fatherhood - like it's a theme park ride.)
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I decided long ago not to touch his stuff or organize it or anything. Not my problem.
In return, he doesn't let it bleed into the spaces that I work, live in. My kids see it. If you came over you'd see it. He cleans it up some if we have company.
You'd notice that some rooms are very clean, neat, and organized and you'd think WTH? Oscar and Felix.
Most is behind closed doors so you may not really notice.
It may be dysfunctional but it works.
I didn't hide the unusable shower. When my kids asked about it (WTF?) I'd say you have to ask your Dad. He'd be embarrassed. Not my problem.
 
bingo said:
my biggest problem right now is this heat wave.. scares ne
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The temperatures in your area could be 90 to 97 F, especially at the weekend. But in my opinion this is not a heat wave. In 2003 I was working outside at temperatures of 108 to 109 F. If you must go out to buy something, only go out in the very early morning, just drink enough water and put on your air condition on a higher level. Problem solved.
 
officerripley said:
Oh yes, we've discussed it more than once but I keep getting from him, "Look you won't have to put up with this situation--or me, for that matter--much longer. You know how short-lived we are in my family; at 77 I'm on borrowed time. I won't be around that much longer and then you can do whatever the hell you want."

He's in perfectly good health. He is right about his family, though; the longest-lived family member 'till him only lived to 74 and it was said, "Oh, well; we shouldn't be too sad; he had a good long life." :oops: My mother-in-law didn't believe me when I told her one of my great-aunts lived to 102.; "C'mon, now, girl; people don't live that long." Huzz's family are country folk who are almost all heavy cigarette smokers and 100 percent do not trust doctors so most only live to their 60s.

I've heard internet advice that I should push it and threaten divorce if he won't downsize but I've also heard--might've been here on SF, anyway some site--that women who've done that were made to "pay" for it by the husband, him complaining vociferously every day about it ("I'll never forgive you for making me give up my house!") 'till the day they died. And I don't want to take that chance; if that happens, we'll both be miserable; at least only I'm miserable now.

I've even tried telling him how much harder it'd be for me in this big old place if he dies or goes permanently into skilled nursing first rather than if I were in a managable smaller home or condo or something, but all I ever get back is "You'll figure it out." I've heard a lot of women say that's what their husbands say to them too. Do all these stubborn old men take a class?! :mad:

When I told a friend who's been widowed twice--both husbands died suddenly; 1 from an undiagnosed heart problem and the other got sepsis at our local hospital--that he just keeps saying, "You'll figure it out", she said, "Well, I can tell you from first-hand experience that sure, you'd probably manage to 'figure it out' but it would be hell. Take it from me; it's hell."
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Wow, a lot to digest there.

I was listening to a David Bowie song yesterday, and particularly a song called "Seven". The chorus is "I've got seven days to live my life, or seven ways to die". It made me think - we're all one second from our end. Some of us will get a warning, some of us won't. Also, as we get older, we become more aware of our impending death. It's the whole "there's more in the rear view mirror than is ahead" thing.

One of our responsibilities is coming to terms with that fact and ultimate outcome of our aging. It can be tough. A lot of things play into it, from hidden grief over family deaths, to facing up to the reality that we're no longer virile young things. It's that last step of maturity that writes us off.

On the other hand, we're here today. Yes, we will eventually die, but it's today, and it's not right now. So we should try and enjoy the time we've got. We can live in the shadow of death, or we can embrace the new day as we have all our previous ones, an opportunity for happiness.

Your husband seems - and yes, I know very very little about your situation so some guess work here - to be struggling with this topic. He's had early deaths in his family, and he's afraid it might happen to him. So he becomes fatalistic. Which is sad, because if he's not careful he'll lose the days he's got.

You're in a living relationship, and it's an equal equation. What you need and want matters equally. You're unhappy, and he is with us today, so he needs to stop obsessing about the end, and realize that making things easier today will help him be happier, and less concerned about the inevitable day when it ends.

Just my 2 cents. The whole "I'll die soon" argument is a non-starter. I would not accept it. We all die, but we also try to make the very best of the time we have. That takes priority over things we can't control.
 
VaughanJB said:
Wow, a lot to digest there.

I was listening to a David Bowie song yesterday, and particularly a song called "Seven". The chorus is "I've got seven days to live my life, or seven ways to die". It made me think - we're all one second from our end. Some of us will get a warning, some of us won't. Also, as we get older, we become more aware of our impending death. It's the whole "there's more in the rear view mirror than is ahead" thing.

One of our responsibilities is coming to terms with that fact and ultimate outcome of our aging. It can be tough. A lot of things play into it, from hidden grief over family deaths, to facing up to the reality that we're no longer virile young things. It's that last step of maturity that writes us off.

On the other hand, we're here today. Yes, we will eventually die, but it's today, and it's not right now. So we should try and enjoy the time we've got. We can live in the shadow of death, or we can embrace the new day as we have all our previous ones, an opportunity for happiness.

Your husband seems - and yes, I know very very little about your situation so some guess work here - to be struggling with this topic. He's had early deaths in his family, and he's afraid it might happen to him. So he becomes fatalistic. Which is sad, because if he's not careful he'll lose the days he's got.

You're in a living relationship, and it's an equal equation. What you need and want matters equally. You're unhappy, and he is with us today, so he needs to stop obsessing about the end, and realize that making things easier today will help him be happier, and less concerned about the inevitable day when it ends.

Just my 2 cents. The whole "I'll die soon" argument is a non-starter. I would not accept it. We all die, but we also try to make the very best of the time we have. That takes priority over things we can't control.
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Thanks for the kind words. Another thing that doesn't help my wanting to move, and this is neither Huzz's or my fault, is that there is an even smaller pool of homes to choose from than in even some of the worst scarce-property-to-choose-from sites here in the U.S.: about 6 years ago, 27,000 homes burnt to the ground in a town about 30 min. away from here. So, as you can imagine, that drove real estate prices here way up, with single-family homes, condominiums, and mobile homes at least doubling and in some cases tripling in price. The real estate brokers around here estimate that it will keep listings scarce and prices high for at least another five years; some brokers are saying it's more like at least another 10 years.

So that doesn't help the situation either. And we can't move out of here to a better real estate-wise area since this is where what family we've got left are. So we're pretty much stuck here. I think that's the case for a lot of elderly; due to too many issues, you're kind of stuck where you end up by about middle-age. Yeah, some people will make a move far away after retiring, but here in the U.S., unless you're very wealthy or are moving closer to where grown children already are, that brings a lot of problems.
 
George1959 said:
The temperatures in your area could be 90 to 97 F, especially at the weekend. But in my opinion this is not a heat wave. In 2003 I was working outside at temperatures of 108 to 109 F. If you must go out to buy something, only go out in the very early morning, just drink enough water and put on your air condition on a higher level. Problem solved.
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i had loads of experience in heat..city mail carrier...years...
all my out errands ..done for 2 weeks...i do feed birds...water..etc...thanks
 
VintageBetter said:
I've always found that plain old drain clog remover liquid works great.
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I know but a couple weeks and the drain is slow again. I called my oldest son and he put in a new drain apparatus for me. He's really handy, one of those guys who looks at something and knows what to do. My dad was like that. My husband was not. The tub drain needs snaked now haha.
 
VintageBetter said:
(By age 50, in my area, the men are all dating the 25+ age range because so many have decided late in life that they'd like to "experience" being a father. They've seen the globe, they have money, so now they want to "experience" fatherhood - like it's a theme park ride.)
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I keep hearing more and more about this and it just blows me away. I heard about a gal who joined a dating site for 50 and over, put her truthful age of 50-something down, put a recent photo of herself on there, put down that she never had nor wanted children, matched up with a guy who said he'd never had or wanted kids either, they met for lunch; things were going great; and then when he mentioned some hobby that he planned to take up when he retired in 2 years and she said, "Oh, I'm going to try that too when I retire 3 years from now."

He frowns and says, "How old are you?" She says "58" (or whatever age she was); he frowns even deeper and says "I didn't realize you were that old." She says "Uh, I posted that right on my profile? Along with a recent photo?" And he says "Yeah, but both you and your photo look younger than your real age. So that's kind of fraudulent of you really to look so much younger than you are." {!}

She says, "Well, what's the problem with how old I am anyway?" He says, "You're too old to have kids." She says, "Oh, hold up there, buddy; you've got right on your profile that you don't want and have never wanted kids!" And this idiot says, "Yeah but I want a woman young enough in case I change my mind."

So she said, "Fine! You can pay for lunch then!" and stalked out leaving him with the bill.
 
officerripley said:
I keep hearing more and more about this and it just blows me away. I heard about a gal who joined a dating site for 50 and over, put her truthful age of 50-something down, put a recent photo of herself on there, put down that she never had nor wanted children, matched up with a guy who said he'd never had or wanted kids either, they met for lunch; things were going great; and then when he mentioned some hobby that he planned to take up when he retired in 2 years and she said, "Oh, I'm going to try that too when I retire 3 years from now."

He frowns and says, "How old are you?" She says "58" (or whatever age she was); he frowns even deeper and says "I didn't realize you were that old." She says "Uh, I posted that right on my profile? Along with a recent photo?" And he says "Yeah, but both you and your photo look younger than your real age. So that's kind of fraudulent of you really to look so much younger than you are." {!}

She says, "Well, what's the problem with how old I am anyway?" He says, "You're too old to have kids." She says, "Oh, hold up there, buddy; you've got right on your profile that you don't want and have never wanted kids!" And this idiot says, "Yeah but I want a woman young enough in case I change my mind."

So she said, "Fine! You can pay for lunch then!" and stalked out leaving him with the bill.
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"It's fraudulent to look younger than you are" says he.

When every message women are bombarded with from the time we hit 30 is "LOOK YOUNGER AND BE THINNER." Sigh!
 
would love to find someone who could tell me EXACTLY how to get rid of cable. EXACTLY what I would need to buy and where to buy. not someone who would say "ya just..."!
 
wcwbf said:
would love to find someone who could tell me EXACTLY how to get rid of cable. EXACTLY what I would need to buy and where to buy. not someone who would say "ya just..."!
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To get rid of cable you buy a digital antenna at Best Buy, Target or Amazon. 4 Things To Know Before You Buy a Digital TV Antenna

Then start reading about steaming services. You do not need a new Smart TV for these - just a newer TV that can pick up a WiFi signal.

How to Replace Cable TV for Less Than $25 a Month - Consumer Reports
 

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