I am really in a struggle, ie Dil

B

Blessed

Well-known Member
I am really in a struggle regarding my DIL. We are not close even though she lived in my home for 3 1/2 years with her son from a previous relationship with someone else. She had dated my son son some years before but she lived some distance from our home. My husband was ill with terminal cancer and I do not remember meeting her during that time. Fast forward, my husband had passed, My son wanted me to meet someone special, he was still living at home at the time..

I was aware he was dating someone special. He wanted me to meet someone special, I was not aware it was a baby, I thought it might be a pet so I was surprised, He was 6 months old and the sweetest little thing. It did not put me off at all. A baby, a child, is a blessing and deserves to be loved, to know they are special. I can recall the first time she left him in my son's care, I had to teach him how to change a diaper. I fell in love with that tiny thing that first night.

Fast forward, the relationship became serious, she and her son moved into my home. They were to wed and wanted to save for their wedding and to buy a home. I still, to this day do not know why they chose my home. I can only guess her parents were against it. I could not go against it knowing my husband and I had married at young age after a teenage relationship that lasted until my husband passed,

My problem now is that I do not approve of the things she does. She does not appear to be financially responsible. She spends a great deal of money on the so called beauty treatments. She does not needs this in my opinion, she is stunning in her beauty but it does seem enough for her. She has somehow convinced herself she needs all these treatments that are not needed in reality. Facials, hair even weight or treatments to make her smaller. It seems she can't accept that as we age, our bodies, our skin and even our hair will change.

She is chasing her youth but she is only 35, she has no idea what the future will bring My son recieved an inheirtance from a dear family friend a few years ago. As far as I know my son placed those funds into a retirement account since he would lose up to 30% of the money, it was a federal account. I do not know what he did with the funds from the sale of his home I hope he rolled that into a retirement account but is not my business to question what he chose to do with that money. I do know he paid for her to go thru beauty school and she is driving a very nice vehicle that belonged to this friend

Well, here is my question, I have at this time have evrything set up to go to my son. To me, it is a great deal of money. I want to be that those funds are safe for my son and for her son. I don't,want it spent on stupid things trying
by her part to to remain looking young and thin.

Yes, I do know I need to go back to my attorney and have my will adjusted. On the same hand, I feel I need to be turthfull to my son about any changes I make. Has anyone been in this situation, can you offer advice. I don;t want to cause problems but I also want to protect my son and grandson.
 

You're setting yourself up for a dangerous situation. Watch out. What your dil feels about herself or how she spends their money is none of your business. Leaving everything to son, no problem. He's your son.

I'm not sure I understand your plans. I do know you are skating on thin ice, very thin ice. They seem to have a good relationship, you've never said otherwise.

If her physical appearance is important to her, I don't understand how you fit into this. If you meddle, you will lose. If you win, they will be destroyed.

eta
my advice is back off
 

I don't think there's probably a way to "protect" the money you plan to leave for your son... he's of an age that he decides how it's spent. When it comes to the baby, though... have you considered a trust fund that wouldn't be available to him until he's .... well however they do those... 21 maybe?

Now that could be very tricky and "thin ice" area, as Pepper said, because that trust fund should probably have a section that would dictate your wishes if your son and gf are no longer together, if there's been an estrangement with you, etc. I honestly don't know if this is good advice or not, but it would be a way to assure the little guy gets the inheritance when he's old enough, and not his mother having access to it earlier.

Bottom line, your attorney will know the proper steps to take when s/he hears your wishes.
 
Leave EVERYTHING to your son. Everything. It is up to him to care for his son, not you! You are trying to have control beyond the grave. You are looking for trouble if you don't follow my advice. Big Trouble.

Your hostility toward your dil must be your secret, and ours here. We'll keep your confidences, of course. ;)
 
I’m sure that your attorney will be more than happy to take and spend the money earmarked for your loved ones.

IMO it’s wrong to put strings on your bequests or attempt to control your family’s behavior from the grave.

As others have said it may be best to leave it all in a simple trust for your grandchildren, yes there could be more by the time you pass.

I wouldn’t discuss the terms of my will or set any expectations. In the end it may take all of your resources for end of life care.

Good luck with your decision.
 
Well, I thank you both! @Pepper, I know you have a son and grandson, @CallMeKate, don't know of upi are in the same situation.

How I fit into this is if when I pass, which will happen, I do not want her to spend that money for what I consider to be vain, stupid, irresponsible reasons. I love her, she is beautiful, in my eyes. Crap, I could take the money now and have all kinds of plastic surgery but frankly I find it silly. God made me to be who I am, if he had wanted me to be some kind of beauty, even in old age, he would have given me the genetics.

I just don't understand how this young woman of 35 is already struggling with her image, so much that she feels the need to have some kind of body sculpting. I already knew she was having facials and hair treatments that cost hundreds of dollars each visit.

The point being, I know they can't afford that nonsense. They have had their ac unit, the fridge and the dishwasher go out all in a couple of months, they have been replaced but on credit. My son knows that his Dad and I always had a back up savings account to take care of these things. She is more the type, don't worry until we have to. Well, know have the have too, she spoke about it last time she was over, happy they could pay for the new stuff over time. It just puts more pressure on my son and I don't like that at all. She really does not get it, that he is the one that feels the pressure to cover that.

My son's father and I did not work this hard to just strike a match and see it go up in flames. We put our son through college, there were no loans. My husband had died at that point but the money was there for his education. I could have blown it on stupid things, a new car, but no, I still drive a perfectly good 2008 model that only has 40K miles.

I hate to do it but I feel I must have the will adjusted to protect my son and her son in the future. I will make sure funds are set aside and available for her son (my grandson) to attend college. The rest of the funds may have to be held in trust for a length of time.

Who it would be so hard, did not grow up with money, now I don't know how to keep it safe for the son.
 
Your business. If your dil finds out, your son will side with her and you'll find yourself in a bad situation. You use fancy words, but it boils down to you having control over others. I said my piece. I think you're wrong.

Make sure you're dead before they find out your machinations.
 
Sounds like you are trying to use your money to control your son’s and dil’s lives.
Not too hard to tell by the things that you posted that you don’t like your dil.
Sounds like your son wants to make a life with her and the children so you should respect that.
Try a little harder to love BOTH of your grandchildren and I guarantee you that everybody will be a lot happier.
Maybe you could use some of that money to do good things for people or to enjoy life then you won’t have to worry about it so much.
 
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Just one more thing, as I really like you Blessed. Please consider therapy to work out your antagonism re: your dil. Especially before you do anything legal. You have a lot of feelings to work out, re: her.

I promise to try to shut up now. Blessed, I have certain problems with my dil too, who doesn't? Who doesn't. The ones who can MYOB that's who.

I keep on thinking of more to say, but I will try not to; I'm beating a dead horse.
 
Pepper said:
You're setting yourself up for a dangerous situation. Watch out. What your dil feels about herself or how she spends their money is none of your business. Leaving everything to son, no problem. He's your son.

I'm not sure I understand your plans. I do know you are skating on thin ice, very thin ice. They seem to have a good relationship, you've never said otherwise.

If her physical appearance is important to her, I don't understand how you fit into this. If you meddle, you will lose. If you win, they will be destroyed.

eta
my advice is back off
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I am not concerned about how she spends their money, I am concerned about how she spends mine. I want my grandson to go to college without going into debt. Please keep in mind that at this point his biological father or family have made any type of commitment to make sure he gets a college education.

I have no intention to meddle, I just want to make sure my will is tight so that my grandson gets a good education and that my son is insured a good retirement when the time comes. Do not get me wrong, I love my DIL but the truth is she is off a mindset physical appearance and material goods are important. There was a time when I believed that was true, but we all know that is not the case now.
 
I think the only thing that's valid for you to have control over is what you want to set up for the child. That would be a trust fund, college fund... whatever you choose. That money would pay for his education and couldn't be touched before it's time.

But your son and DIL... I can't really see that it should matter how they/she use the money. Also keep in mind... well, there could be a lot of seriously worse ways she could use money than on beauty treatments. I'd understand more if every penny she gets ahold of would be going for alcohol or drugs... *then* I could understand the desire to protect an inheritance.

Would you feel the same, by the way, if she'd want to be a world traveler? I can't tell if it's just the beauty/body treatments that seem to be a problem, or if it would be the same with any way she is spending money?
 
Nothing wrong with setting up a trust fund for your grandson, as long as there are not stringent rules attached, like, what if he doesn't want to go to college? What then? That's why it's best to leave the whole kaboodle to your son, and let him be the leader of his family on how his inheritance is used.

Think about therapy. Yes, I will shut up, I'm trying, but I like you too much Blessed! Forgive me.
 
It took me many years to realize that the only life I can "control" is my own. You can guide and advise your loved ones, but in the end they will do what they want. And you know what? That is just what I did growing up. The only thing that has changed is I'm on the other side of the equation.

Sadly, about ten years ago I just gave up trying to guide a couple of my "kids" (now all 4 in late '50s). If the one who "could have been president" wants to continue delivering pizzas, there is nothing I can do about it. If the one who marries for the 5th time and chooses another bum, there is nothing I can do about it. And so on.........
 
I agree with the trust fund.
@Blessed why don't you start paying for the washers, AC etc. as a way to slowly give them their inheritance and it go to things you consider needed. Then if they flit away their own money it's not your problem.
If they ask why you paid for a freezer, tell them it's part of their inheritance.
 
I agree with Kate that the college fund is about as far as you can control your money beyond the grave.

I'm wondering if she's really spending that much money on facials and hair treatments now that she has her own beauty school degree. All the ones I know give each other treatments for free. As for body sculpting, that will probably all be done before long. I don't think 35 year-old women are chasing youth so much as chasing perfection, and that's more a matter of self-esteem what their husband seems to expect from them.
 
CallMeKate said:
I think the only thing that's valid for you to have control over is what you want to set up for the child. That would be a trust fund, college fund... whatever you choose. That money would pay for his education and couldn't be touched before it's time.

But your son and DIL... I can't really see that it should matter how they/she use the money. Also keep in mind... well, there could be a lot of seriously worse ways she could use money than on beauty treatments. I'd understand more if every penny she gets ahold of would be going for alcohol or drugs... *then* I could understand the desire to protect an inheritance.

Would you feel the same, by the way, if she'd want to be a world traveler? I can't tell if it's just the beauty/body treatments that seem to be a problem, or if it would be the same with any way she is spending money?
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It bothers me that she might spend all the money on beauty treatments/ surgeries to the point that they might be broke and my son would be working his butt off to cover all the bills. I think all these people spend money, go through horrible pain of surgery is downright stupid.

I have the money, I could have all types of procedures, surgeries, it would not matter. Go look at all the older Hollywood crowd,. They have all had work done and it looks silly. I could spend my money on that or I could fly up and pick up @Pepper and we could run off to a beautiful beach or some other exotic location. I am thinking it might be better to leave just enough to get the grandson thru college and blow the rest on the silly things that would bring me joy!!

Yeah, we know that won't happen because I am a boring responsible person, somebody just shoot me!!
 
Blessed said:
Yes, but he has to wait until he is 35.
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This link may be helpful. You get to establish the age at which money would be released. Maybe the age 35 has to do with a 529? I personally wouldn't set something up that would "demand" someone goes to college. Many are choosing not to do that. With a regular trust fund released at age 21 or 25, it would allow him to decide whether or not to use it for college.
How Trust Funds Can Safeguard Your Children
 
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My modest estate will be split between my 2 30ish grandsons. My dear DIL doesn't need the money. What they do with the $$ is entirely up to them. Invest it, wild weekend in Vegas, hookers and blow, donate to charity, etc, it's none of my concern.
 

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