How do you "forgive" an affair?

hollydolly said:
even on his days off just prior to me discovering what was going on.. he;d tell me that he'd been asked in for a planning meeting .. and he'd go off mid morning.. and come home around 5 0r 6pm.. and after the whole thing burst..I found on his so called planning meeting days.. he was paying for a hotel room..
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My dad told my mom that he was taking night classes for work. Since he was probably paying for hotel rooms too, that was probably why, even though he had a good job in the defense contracting industry, we were always broke (cars being repossessed, old beaten-up furniture and tv's--or no tv--no money ever for new school clothes, hardly any food in the house sometimes, my mom always having to work full-time outside the home when other women married to guys in the same line of work as my dad didn't have to).
 
Mobilman44 said:
My first wife had two (that I know of). Neither was due to my failings. I know many say that, but its really true here. The first affair was likely because I was either at work or night school (4 nights a week) or working in the yard, etc. I got a promotion and we moved to another state, and she came with (along with our 4 young kids.

It took about a year for us to get fully over it. But she never asked for forgiveness, and I really never did forgive her, but I shoved those horrible times down a hole in the back of my head and we actually had several fairly good years afterwards. Funny, she told me later that she had gone to a divorce lawyer, and she told her she had no grounds.

But one day in our 21st year of marriage, I came home to an empty house (and safe, and bank accounts). She did leave me something though, about 7 charged up credit cards! My thought was she had an emotional breakdown, and had zero thought there was someone else. Two weeks later I get a call from my daughters neighbor, a woman I knew from having get togethers with my daughter.

I said, Cxxol is not here (thinking she called for my wife). The woman said, "I know that. You know where she is, she is with my husband". I thought I would faint, and then I got really angry. No folks, my only sin in all this was working too many hours. In 21 years of marriage I was faithful and good to her and the kids. And she would tell you that too.

Anyway, the wife contacted me a week later and talked divorce, and in 3 months it was done. I confess to this day, I have not forgiven her. She blew up a wonderful family and all my hopes and dreams.

But, there is a bit of justice here. Her boyfriend didn't turn out to be all that he appeared to be. "Slick" (my nickname for him", suddenly found his business in bankruptcy, and his fancy Buick 225 was repossessed. Then it turns out he had two previous marriages, and was behind on child support and had bricks put on any earnings (he went to selling cars).

Then, he lost his hair, and his personality and decided my ex could support him. Eventually he died in their apartment, and she came home to his body.

Folks, I apologize for "too much information" here, but the original question brought it out of me. I guess in summary, its very possible to forgive an "affair" happening once, but never twice.
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No apologies necessary... terrible thing to happen to you, as I well know.....
 
Having lived through it, I'm painfully aware of how devastating infidelities are to the children.

Parents who fool themselves that their children are unaware and unaffected by affairs need to think again. While they might not yet know what s*x is or understand specifically what's "wrong" in their household, they sure know something is off and feel terribly insecure because of it.
 
StarSong said:
Having lived through it, I'm painfully aware of how devastating infidelities are to the children.

Parents who fool themselves that their children are unaware and unaffected by affairs need to think again. While they might not yet know what s*x is or understand specifically what's "wrong" in their household, they sure know something is off and feel terribly insecure because of it.
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I was always close with my daughter, though her mom dissolved our family when Sally was less than three. I think Sally was so young that the situation was, in a certain way, simply another aspect of human life. In other words, she had nothing to compare the transition to, just as many other experiences and shifts were novel ones.

My wife travelled, and even lived briefly for a while, with several other men. I think at least two of those guys wished Sally wasn't in the picture. So when her verbal abilities had developed more, at maybe 4 or 5 years of age, Sally expressed that she wanted her mother and me to live together again (with her, of course). It was a very sad moment for me to convey that it was not going to happen.

I refrained from speaking badly about her mother. As Sally grew older, she naturally developed a more focused sense of each of her parents' individual personalities. She and I are still very close. I believe it required a lot of inner work for her to become completely settled with who each of us is and to appreciate us each in our own personhood.
 
January said:
I do know people who have had an affair and they have managed to move forward and stay together and heal the rift.

Not sure if I could - have never been put in that position.
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I found a lot of good advice from several men who had managed to bring the wandering wife back into the marriage and family. It takes years of work and usually some outside help. Of course, the wandering spouse has to see some value in staying together and want to give it a try.

One fellow was famous for taking his wife back after she had spent 6 months living with the other man. She had left her husband and two children for this bum. She was three months pregnant at that time she returned to her husband and children. Several years later, he adopted the boy, having raised him as his father since birth. Ultimately, the OM agreed to the adoption when presented with the reality of another 15 years of paying for half of his child’s expenses. What they told the lad when he grew up, I don’t know. It must have been an interesting conversation.

Sadly, most of the time when the woman leaves then the marriage is over. There is supposed to be some statistic that supports this claim.
 
What bothers me now is what to tell my grandkids. Most are smart and at some point will put two and two together. I won‘t lie to them. But, I have made it a point to never trash-talk my ex-wife to my kids or grandkids. I guess I will have to simply tell them truth, or get my children to do so. .
 
@JBR Sorry you had to go thru that.

But you were right to not speak ill of your ex to your child. i'm also a child of divorce, and i know it would have made my relationship with mother even worse had she bad mouthed him. But she credited him for the things he taught her (to swim, fish, shoot a rifle and hunt). And since it was the truth i had no problem with her occasionally mentioning his infidelities.

And when i was able to reunite with him as a young adult (Mom took me back to NJ where both sides of extended family were) he never bad mouthed her. When i told him how she died (of stroke carrying a huge sack of bird seed as part of her job at an Exotic Bird habitat, when she was just 2 months from being 60 yrs old) he remarked 'She always did work too hard.'
 
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For anybody who thinks adultery may enter the marriage or has entered the marriage, even if you are the one tempted to do the dirty deed, I strongly suggest reading the book: Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.
 
@Mobilman44 Sorry for you and any man or woman has had to go thru such experiences.

In a private group on another forum we discussed a lot of aspects of marital infidelity. The general consensus (with which i agree) was that women cheat as much (maybe more) than men but get 'caught' less often. i also agree that for many husbands the old 'it was just sex' is actually true. Women on the other hand are more likely to be seeking emotional intimacy they feel is lacking in their marriage, sometimes the only fault in the husband is he may have been to absorbed 'making a living' to talk to his wife and make an effort to keep their intimacy on all levels thriving.

But that is also a cultural/societal issue. Not enough people, especially men up till the 1960s or 70s were encouraged to talk problems with spouses thru. You endured whatever issues or you left.
 
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StarSong said:
Having lived through it, I'm painfully aware of how devastating infidelities are to the children.

Parents who fool themselves that their children are unaware and unaffected by affairs need to think again. While they might not yet know what s*x is or understand specifically what's "wrong" in their household, they sure know something is off and feel terribly insecure because of it.
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Absolutely true. After my wife left to go live with the other man, I had to deal with children who were very upset about what had happened. They were as broken as I was.
 
Brookswood said:
Sadly, most of the time when the woman leaves then the marriage is over. There is supposed to be some statistic that supports this claim.
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My first wife told me she'd realized (at 27) that she had inherited a fickle nature and didn't possess the faithfulness virtue. I suppose it proved out, since after a few flings she got together with a fellow (a nice guy, by the way), and they had a child. Then, after nearly a decade together with him, she left that family for another guy. (I learned he had a similar past.) Being about 40 at that time, she has actually remained with him.

I think by then her common sense kicked in, as she did posses a degree of intelligence. A future life of philandering probably looked like a washout prospect.
 
JBR said:
I was always close with my daughter, though her mom dissolved our family when Sally was less than three. I think Sally was so young that the situation was, in a certain way, simply another aspect of human life. In other words, she had nothing to compare the transition to, just as many other experiences and shifts were novel ones.

My wife travelled, and even lived briefly for a while, with several other men. I think at least two of those guys wished Sally wasn't in the picture. So when her verbal abilities had developed more, at maybe 4 or 5 years of age, Sally expressed that she wanted her mother and me to live together again (with her, of course). It was a very sad moment for me to convey that it was not going to happen.

I refrained from speaking badly about her mother. As Sally grew older, she naturally developed a more focused sense of each of her parents' individual personalities. She and I are still very close. I believe it required a lot of inner work for her to become completely settled with who each of us is and to appreciate us each in our own personhood.
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I had a similar situation, when my Daughter was 8 years old...
 
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JBR said:
My first wife told me she'd realized (at 27) that she had inherited a fickle nature and didn't possess the faithfulness virtue. I suppose it proved out, since after a few flings she got together with a fellow (a nice guy, by the way), and they had a child. Then, after nearly a decade together with him, she left that family for another guy. (I learned he had a similar past.) Being about 40 at that time, she has actually remained with him.

I think by then her common sense kicked in, as she did posses a degree of intelligence. A future life of philandering probably looked like a washout prospect.
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Maybe what kicked in was regret for abandoning her child...an adult by then.
 
"Divorce" was just not in my vocabulary until my ex initiated it. Our four kids were of age, one in the USMC, one married, and the other two living at home and going to JC. Anyway, it happened and to this day I am in shock over how quickly the actual divorce process happened before the judge. Imagine, 21 years of a joint life just dissolved in no more than 10 minutes!

One thing I have to add, in my mind I have never had "closure". Yup, its 37 years ago but I never got to tell her off for what she did. I confess I still have anger inside me, and I know that isn't good, but it is what it is.
 
Mobilman44 said:
"Divorce" was just not in my vocabulary until my ex initiated it. Our four kids were of age, one in the USMC, one married, and the other two living at home and going to JC. Anyway, it happened and to this day I am in shock over how quickly the actual divorce process happened before the judge. Imagine, 21 years of a joint life just dissolved in no more than 10 minutes!

One thing I have to add, in my mind I have never had "closure". Yup, its 37 years ago but I never got to tell her off for what she did. I confess I still have anger inside me, and I know that isn't good, but it is what it is.
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that's precisely what I'm going through now... 24 years of marriage...gone overnight basically...

The decree Nisi was awarded last month and the decree absolute will be awarded at the end of this month
 
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Murrmurr said:
Yep. Infidelity is a deal-breaker. I don't think I forgive it because I forget it. Honestly, I just forget about her and move on. I don't define that as forgiveness.
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My view of the concept of forgiveness is that the injured party be able to remove the hurt and anger from their gut feelings.

I don't view forgiving someone as "giving" them anything, rather giving oneself the chance to heal.

Regarding the EX that I mentioned earlier, it took me over ten years to stop ruminating about the whole mess, and just telling myself that it just does not matter anymore.
 

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