I am putting this here so hopefully it will be read.

Blessed said:
I have really been suffering with great depression. I watched a movie tonight "The Whale"

It addressed so many things we have all faced, death, grief, love, loss. We have all faced these things in our life. They are scars in our hearts and minds that we can't heal. For me, I have not been able to move past these things. Those of us who have lost a spouse, even worse those who have lost a child. Those of us who have lost a relationship we valued deeply because we could never honestly discuss the situation.

Some of us have spent our lives in supporting, caring for our loved ones. I have done this many times but no one seems to even notice that you give up your life, your health, your dreams. Seems like so many just think you;' are willing to do it, they don't see that you are exhausted. Oh, they know but are still not stepping up to help. That would just mean they have to be involved.

Mind you, I am proud I did what was needed but from some family members I have been ignored, acted like it was my fault that our loved ones died. Who knows, but they all knew what was going on, they knew it was a fragile situation. Some blame me and I have been excluded by my husband's family. No longer welcome at family events, reunions, graduations, weddings. They knew my husband was terminal from day one. My MIL was there in the oncologists office when they told it was terminal, about 8 months to a year.

I did more research than you could imagine. They started on traditional chemo which was horrible and had no effect. Our saving grace was it was a slow growing cancer. I finally found a trial through the NIH. I got all his records forwarded to them and we were accepted. The trial was in Scottsdale AZ.

We spent the next two years traveling back and forth. It was a good trial and slowed everything down with very little side effects.

Meanwhile, we had a child in highschool and had to keep up with all his activities. I worked full time during the complete time, using my vacation time to go to Arizona.

Never once did his siblings step up to go with him. His Mother was also in bad health and could not go and they were not even looking after her. My husband would get home and go straight to his Mom's to take care of the yard and pool.

Though death was certain, they choose to sit back and then for some reason, beyond me, I was the bad guy. Has anyone been through that experience? It is like they were relieved it was over before they had no choice but to be involved. This was a five year long fight. My husband's Mom got so sick, they took her to the hospital on the way to my husbands funeral. So my husbands funeral was on a Sunday, the next Sunday was my MIL's funeral, So it seems they blame me for both.

Going years without talking to loved ones over some slight, true or imagined is ridiculous. I tried to heal the situation but it has not worked. There was another uproar when my son married. Only one aunt and uncle were invited. I had nothing to do with it. The kids paid for their own wedding and could not afford to invite everyone, another 60 people.

Once again, they decided it was my fault, so the mess continues, even though I told them the kids could not afford it. I had nothing to do with guest list or anything at all in the wedding. I did not go with the bride to pick out a dress, I did not plan the rehearsal dinner, I mean nothing!! This is also a great one, I have never seen the wedding pictures.

Anyway, I think this movie is a great representation of things that happen to all of us. The best decisions may or may not be made. There always misunderstandings or information with held that tears families apart. It will make you stop and think if you just have been honest things might be different. Even now, some of us may be able to recover if you can just sit down and truthfully talk about how you felt, what was really happening.

The only time I got brave enough was a trip to New Mexico for an Aunt's funeral. We had to drive to a higher elevation and it made it difficult to breathe for my husband. At the hotel, we got a call from the doctor in Arizona we were being dismissed from the trial, the drug was no longer working. We did not go to the family home the next morning. We left for the 3 hour drive back to the airport.

There was nonstop fussing when his Mom and Sister at the airport that we did not come to the house. I had all I could take, when they went to the ladies' room, I went in there and told them what was going on. Your son, your brother can't breathe at this elevation, and we got a call we have been dismissed from the trial, don't you say another word to us!!

Well, you can see I am having a bad night, you all are the only ones I have to pour out my feelings to. I pray for your grace and understanding. If this motivates any of you to mend a relationship before it is to late it will be a blessing for you!
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That's very sad. I have wanted to see that movie. Now I definitely will.
I can only speak for myself but I wish you grace and understanding, peace and strength. 🌼
 

I fully understand what you are talking about and how hard it is to deal with. I spent a lot of time trying to keep family going while being blamed for everything.

Now my sons have been assimilated by the wives families and I am left on my own. I am also obsessing about it lately and have dug myself into a depression over it so I feel your pain.

I know I need to let it go, again. It's going to take a while though. It would be nice if family would learn to get over themselves a little more too, but I doubt that's going to happen in this lifetime.
 
Keep this conversation going. We may not come up with solutions but it is so important to be heard. We all need to be able to express our fears and disappointments. I hope it helps and will continue to provide support for all who suffer from inconsiderate relatives and acquaintances.
 

Judycat said:
I fully understand what you are talking about and how hard it is to deal with. I spent a lot of time trying to keep family going while being blamed for everything.

Now my sons have been assimilated by the wives families and I am left on my own. I am also obsessing about it lately and have dug myself into a depression over it so I feel your pain.

I know I need to let it go, again. It's going to take a while though. It would be nice if family would learn to get over themselves a little more too, but I doubt that's going to happen in this lifetime.
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I have one child, a son, and it is difficult to step back from your child. It is important though we allow their wife to be priority in their life.
 
Pepper said:
I was estranged from my sister and her three sons for 20 years. I was heartbroken and mourned their loss every single day of those 20 years. She died last year. I don't miss her or my nephews any more. It's like a great burden has been lifted from me. I don't have to care anymore, there is no reason to.

I wasted 20 years of my precious life missing them with all my heart. I can't get that time back. F them for hurting me so badly. F me that I couldn't handle it better. It was a WASTE, and I was stupid. Not stupid in trying hard to reconnect, which I did often with no results whatsoever; stupid for allowing it to take so much from me.
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Bad to say but I have another 5 years before I hit the 20 year mark. I have let it go in the point I do not speak of it to my son. I encourage him to keep himself open to family events and to maintain a relationship with all the cousins of his age group. I never ask about things or people as I have learned that it is better not knowing.
 
LoveTulips said:
I think you are too good and too kind. Of course, anyone you love, you take care of. Anyone else, if it is a toxic relationship, totally cut them off. And if they ask why, tell them or not. Obviously, they don't have a heart or the brains to understand. Frankly, I would tell them to F...off.
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I still love many of them and would never tell them to F off. I know how many of them are being led Ithat is what they feel the need to do to keep the piece, I understand.
They are still loved and valued in my heart. I just don't play into that and never will.
 
Blessed said:
I have one child, a son, and it is difficult to step back from your child. It is important though we allow their wife to be priority in their life.
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It's not that I have a problem stepping back, it's the wall these families put up. You must prove yourself first. Do your part. Start at the bottom and work your way up nonsense.

Meanwhile they get to take offense at little things. This drives me batty. Example: My oldest son's MIL went off the deep end when one of the kids asked who I was, and I told him I was his grandma. Seeing her reaction and his that this was not acceptable, I told him what I mean is, I'm your dad's mom. I didn't care that much about him knowing I'm his grandma and said so to her. But these things are what drive people apart. Get over yourself. It's depressing.
 
officerripley said:
Good grief. You gotta wonder if she (your son's MIL) has more than one screw loose. Sorry you have to deal with this.
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Ah she definitely has some kind of problem. At the next event, the kid came up to me raised his finger and said he only has one grandma. I told him that's OK but I'm still his dad's mom haha. Kid was five what did he know. Thing is, out here in rural-land PA, a lot of families are this way. Not much can be done. People are hunkered down in tribes.
 
Judycat said:
Ah she definitely has some kind of problem. At the next event, the kid came up to me raised his finger and said he only has one grandma. I told him that's OK but I'm still his dad's mom haha. Kid was five what did he know. Thing is, out here in rural-land PA, a lot of families are this way. Not much can be done. People are hunkered down in tribes.
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It’s ridiculous that your son allows this to happen. I never understood isolating one side of the family. The more family a child has in their lives the more love they have. Your Dil and her family sound like awful people.
 
I'm SO sorry to read that you are being treated this way Blessed! Their behaviors are unconscionable! I've often seen that one person in the family gets saddled with the responsibility of taking care of a family member. Others feel they have the right to make opinions, give criticisms while not doing a damned thing to help. I had a friend who worked on funerals. He told me that the people who wail and cry the loudest are the ones who didn't do right by the deceased. I've also found that the people we care about the most can be the ones that hurt us the most.

You can feel proud of yourself and hold up your head because you know in your heart that you've done the right thing(s), even if you have not gotten the acknowledgement and support you need. That in of itself should give you satisfaction. Surround yourself with people who respect and care about you, even if it is only your online friends. Let go of the tether that keeps you tied to those who don't. Toxic relationships will naturally add to your depression. Avoid them like the plague they are! I hope your mental state improves soon (or has already).

hugs-big-hugs.gif
 
Teacher Terry said:
It’s ridiculous that your son allows this to happen. I never understood isolating one side of the family. The more family a child has in their lives the more love they have. Your Dil and her family sound like awful people.
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My son is overwhelmed too. DIL is OK. Her parents though...ah what can ya do.
 
Judycat said:
My son is overwhelmed too. DIL is OK. Her parents though...ah what can ya do.
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I am lucky, when I met her parents they are very down to earth wonderful people. Since then I hate to say that my DIL's father passed from cancer. I was happy that he got the chance to walk his little girl down the aisle. He did not know at the time the cancer was growing.

So her Mom is now suffering widowhood. She is really having a hard time of it.
 
I operate on the basis that there is nothing special about families. A badly behaving family member is no different from a badly behaved stranger. A liar, is a liar. A manipulator is a manipulator. You don't get a free pass just because you're blood.

I have very little to do with my family. I stay in contact, periodically, with my mother. My father has passed. My brother and sister are nowhere in my life. I don't feel at all bad about it. We have our reasons. There simply has to be a line in the sand, and once it is reached, it's reached.
 
VaughanJB said:
there is nothing special about families. A badly behaving family member is no different from a badly behaved stranger. A liar, is a liar. A manipulator is a manipulator. You don't get a free pass just because you're blood.
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I agree. In fact, since about the 1960s, I've heard discussions about how sometimes there is too much emphasis on the family, that humans for a long time have been expecting too much out of their families, that human nature did not evolve to be able to have all their emotional needs met by their own family (the immediate family anyway). The theory has it that once humans stopped living in tribes or small enough villages, where if a family member was getting on your nerves or treating you badly, you had plenty of non-relatives around you all the time whom you could pleasantly interact with, making for an easier existence.

Then once--maybe around the time of the Industrial Revolution? And really picked up speed, here in the U.S anyway, after World War 2--the "traditional, nuclear" family (heterosexual father and mother and kids) became the be-all to end-all, people have been trying to rely on an ever smaller group of humans for all their emotional needs.
 
officerripley said:
I agree. In fact, since about the 1960s, I've heard discussions about how sometimes there is too much emphasis on the family, that humans for a long time have been expecting too much out of their families, that human nature did not evolve to be able to have all their emotional needs met by their own family (the immediate family anyway). The theory has it that once humans stopped living in tribes or small enough villages, where if a family member was getting on your nerves or treating you badly, you had plenty of non-relatives around you all the time whom you could pleasantly interact with, making for an easier existence.

Then once--maybe around the time of the Industrial Revolution? And really picked up speed, here in the U.S anyway, after World War 2--the "traditional, nuclear" family (heterosexual father and mother and kids) became the be-all to end-all, people have been trying to rely on an ever smaller group of humans for all their emotional needs.
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Some of the most heinous crimes against the individual happens in families. Hollywood constantly sells us the value of family, but I doubt many viewers truly experience it. Our culture wants to believe that blood is thicker than water, that is all else fails, you go back to family. My own reality is completely different. I think a lot of people experienced home life differently. For those where it works - good for them. But let's not pretend it's like that for everyone.
 

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