The Rock and the Hard Place

[hearlady]

@Aneeda72 you're living the life you've been given, but with more strength and grace than I, or most of us, could ever muster.
You ARE the rock! The hard place just won't get out of your way. 🕊

 

[Aneeda72]

And then, there is a major data breach across the world apparently. Our credit card company notifies us that our social security numbers and DOB appear on the dark web. Oh, gee, the frosting on cake is ready.

And my friend whose husband died texted me and says she hasn’t heard from me in a while and I explain a little of what’s going on in my life and tell her I know she’s depressed enough and, yup. I have not heard from her again. . So I am a bit desperate.

Hey, mom, I agreed you should go to heaven. I forgave you, as you asked. Do me a favor, please, for once. Ask God to stand up, bend over, and you go ahead and pull that stick out of his butt.

And darned it, she did. Thanks mom. Thanks God, sorry for the, you know, complete and total melt down. And I could breathe again, and things got a bit better. But I needed to vent, really vent. Throw it all up, get it out.

And I thought of you guys.

 

[Pepper]

And I thought of you guys.

Glad you did!

 

[Aneeda72]

I have a VA video appoinment today. After that we will go to the hospital and see our son. I hate going to the hospital. Hate hospitals. Not fond of doctors. Don’t want to do this any more. And I resent, more and more, being talked into that new pacemaker.

In fact, at my annual physical, my doctor said “I know you are still angry at me over the pressure I put on you to get the pacemaker, but you would have died.” Yup. Exactly. I would have died.

And missed all this fun. My bucket of self pity overflows.

Plus, my heart is reacting negatively to the stress. My blood sugar has skyrocketed, and my A1C is very high. Oh, and gee, there is the money issue. Money, money, money. Look around. Think. Where is the money?

Cause even though we are now on the dark web, no one wants our ID. . And money fell from the sky. Thanks mom. Hmm, thanks God.

Cause I was raised to gamble. And the one thing that’s makes my husband the littlest bit happy is slot machines. And we go to Wendover, a little over two hours away. Honestly, it’s a bribe. Be nice Wendover, be mean no Wendover.

And, yeah, after a few months I won about 20,000 thousand dollars, and that money went straight to bills. And yeah, he wasn’t happy cause he didn’t win it. Ugh. Just ugh.

And in case you think I/we are big spenders-nope. We take a set amount of money. We pack a lunch and drinks cause we are not going to pay a huge amount of money for casino food. Sometimes we buy lunch at the McDonald’s in town.

On one visit, I put my 100 dollars in a buffalo machine. It was almost time to leave. Was betting 75 cents a pull. Got down to my last 11 dollars and won 10,000. Got the husband, left, put the money in the bank and good bye bills. And have to save for the taxes, of course.

Very expensive air conditioner-paid in full. Lots of little bills-paid in full. Balance transfer paid down significantly. Not a dime to the older children and I felt bad about that, but I am 77. And my husband is going to die (more about this) and I need to be as secure as possible before that happens. Cause my older children can’t help me. And I need to take care of me, for once, in case I don’t die first.

Still, can’t count on gambling. I/we have always gambled. Never won, seldom lost, and always stayed even. It’s movie and a dinner money, except we don’t go to movies and dinner. And while it’s not on going money as a salary is. It’s pay off bills money. I am am ever so grateful.

 

[Aneeda72]

So. Everything bad that can happen, has happened. I only need to figure out how to get some more money. Stable money, every month guaranteed money. I am thinking on it. I say to my husband, you are going to the VA and applying for your PTSD rating to be increased. He does.

But that’s when I call a local attorney and ask for help in applying for an increase rating for him. And the attorney says he rather take my case. Why not, I think. Five months later, after waiting 57 years, I get a disability rating from the VA, 30%. Money, not a lot, but money.

His rating request increase is denied. Hmm. Before that he applied for the lung cancer benefits, his rating is 0%. Benefits, no money. Not helpful. He already has ratings on other things which give him benefits. Money, money, money.

And then the sky falls.

His company, the company he’s worked 30 years for, announced they are merging. For those of you who’ve never worked, let me explain something. When companies merge, they get rid of the waste. We, of course, are the waste. Old people. Loyal employees who’ve worked decades at the same company who are now a liability because of their age, medical status, and salary.

And now we know why he was forced to go part time. In a merge, part time employees are laid off first. Wonderful. When he’s laid off we lose benefits, medical coverage. Getting VA benefits for me is urgent. VA medical coverage, priceless.

Now we both have VA ratings and while his medications are free, mine will be 5, 8, or 11 dollars. Much better than the 541 dollars I already mentioned. Now, those medications I needed but can’t afford. I can now get them through the VA. I need to make a list.

Next year he will probably be laid off. But that’s next year’s worry.

The time frame is May 2024 for this happiness. When I first get the attorney, when I first apply for benefits from the VA again. When we now know the boys lives are limited, our son in laws life is probably limited, he’s lost a great deal of income, he’s probably losing his job completely. I’ve won 10,000.

And then I decide to try and find what I did with the title to the mobile home.

 

[Aneeda72]

I am looking through piles of papers. We’ve lived in the mobile for 6 months. Husband loves it here, loves it. It’s a senior park, no children, very quiet, no loud music, no one overhead pounding on the floor doing whatever, no roaming dogs, yup, he loves it. You were right he says. I should mark that on my calendar.

I find a CT scan dated a couple years ago. He gets repeated scans because of the lung cancer. He has become very reclusive with the PTSD. Won’t discuss his health. He hides information. I read the report. What? I read it again. Ok, I admit to what most people won’t say and deny they are thinking. I read the report. I saw dollar signs.

The report said he has CAD. CAD is presumptive for Vietnam veterans. This report is a few years old. Hmm, the CAD is probably worst. Well, let’s get him to the doctor. . I know, I know; but it’s money. And it’s money for us, the family.

Now I am going to say a few things about the runners. You might not want to read this. My husband enlisted. I enlisted. But if you didn’t enlist, you got drafted. And if you are male, there was a very high chance of going to Vietnam. So a lot of young men, ran-mostly to Canada.

Years ago, as I recall, those men were legally “forgiven”. They had to be forgiven because legally they were traitors. I often wonder about how their lives turned out and was it worth it. Those that went to Vietnam came back forever changed. They became people they were not meant to be. They had challenges none of us can ever understand.

And illness, lots of illnesses.

Those runners that ran came back with their minds and bodies in tact. Those that ran were who were allowed to come back. But as I deal with all the issues my husband has, I truly wonder about the runners, the traitors, now not traitors. And how they are doing. Strange? Yup.

 

[Elsie]

I am looking through piles of papers. We’ve lived in the mobile for 6 months. Husband loves it here, loves it. It’s a senior park, no children, very quiet, no loud music, no one overhead pounding on the floor doing whatever, no roaming dogs, yup, he loves it. You were right he says. I should mark that on my calendar.

I find a CT scan dated a couple years ago. He gets repeated scans because of the lung cancer. He has become very reclusive with the PTSD. Won’t discuss his health. He hides information. I read the report. What? I read it again. Ok, I admit to what most people won’t say and deny they are thinking. I read the report. I saw dollar signs.

The report said he has CAD. CAD is presumptive for Vietnam veterans. This report is a few years old. Hmm, the CAD is probably worst. Well, let’s get him to the doctor. . I know, I know; but it’s money. And it’s money for us, the family.

Now I am going to say a few things about the runners. You might not want to read this. My husband enlisted. I enlisted. But if you didn’t enlist, you got drafted. And if you are male, there was a very high chance of going to Vietnam. So a lot of young men, ran-mostly to Canada.

Years ago, as I recall, those men were legally “forgiven”. They had to be forgiven because legally they were traitors. I often wonder about how their lives turned out and was it worth it. Those that went to Vietnam came back forever changed. They became people they were not meant to be. They had challenges none of us can ever understand.

And illness, lots of illnesses.

Those runners that ran came back with their minds and bodies in tact. Those that ran were who were allowed to come back. But as I deal with all the issues my husband has, I truly wonder about the runners, the traitors, now not traitors. And how they are doing. Strange? Yup.

Your life encases such a conglomerate of experiences that I see you are surviving it all fueled by hard core self-determination.

 

[Aneeda72]

His doctor orders a nuclear scan. Before they leave the doctor there tells him he needs a stent and a replacement aortic value. The value is a big deal. Our son had to have his replaced. We see the cardiologist, someone we’ve seen in the past. He has his own machines, does his own scans. One of the many reason I stopped seeing him.

He tells my husband he doesn’t need a stent, and while he could not see the value on his test, he doesn’t hear a murmur so he’s fine. Course he charged for that test. Yup, I don’t see this idiot anymore.

I tell my husband we will get a tie breaker opinion at the VA. The VA doctors hear the murmur, the VA doctors decide he doesn’t need a stent, but he will need a value replacement in a couple years. We are waiting on a rating. The value is presumptive.

He has a sore on his ear. Sees the doctor, sore scraped, sent to pathology. Cancer. Surprisingly, skin cancer is not on the Vietnam list. But, he was at Camp LeJune. Skin is presumptive four Camp Lejune; as is a facial scar. Waiting for a rating.

 

[Aneeda72]

When doing my research on the heart valve thing on the VA web site, I notice sleep apnea, if service connected, is a 100% disability. Well, dang. He has sleep apnea and I am positive we can service connect it, cause he had it in the service. OMGosh the snoring. He applies, waiting for a decision.

But I wonder who’d he have been if he hadn’t gone to Vietnam. Who would they all have been if they hadn’t gone to war? And when the grandsons talked about joined up, and asked my opinion, I said no. He said no. My oldest son, who served, said no.

There are so many things we can help our children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and great great grandchildren with by simply saying-no.

Just say no.

 

[Aneeda72]

After Jonathan’s surgery, after he was well, after they were done with him; he had a major intestinal blockage. Rushed to the hospital by ambulance, admitted to the ICU, and middle of the night phone call, by the doctor, to me.

Jonathan Is terribly disabled but he’s not mentally retarded, although he can not read. A failure of the school system of Utah. Anyhow, the doctor explained to Jonathan how very sick he was. That he would be in ICU until his ER surgery. They would cut a section of his bowel out and then he would return to the ICU. Jonathan said no.

Doctor calls me. Wants permission to operate on Jonathan, cause if they don’t operate he will die. We go to the hospital, have a conversation with Jonathan. He says he’s done. He says he is ready for heaven. I tell the doctor comfort care only.

One of the hardest things you will ever do in your life. Respect your child’s wishes. Let your child die. The doctor says he will die. Yes, I understand. It’s his decision.

I ask Jonathan why he keeps staring at the ceiling. He says cause that’s where heaven is.

Amazingly he survives. Then he has another blockage, a few weeks later. The surgeon says the blockages are caused by the prior infection and damage to the intestine. And his useless legs spams, repeatedly. He is in agony. He is allergic to muscle relaxers. He is kept on pain medication.

Rinse, repeat. This time while he refuses intestinal surgery, he asks me if he can have his legs cut off. . No, I tell him.

As I said, previously, he was admitted the other day to the hospital, another intestinal blockage. He is, once again, throwing up poop. A drain is placed down his nose, into his stomach, and poop is pulled up through the tube. His lips have not yet been clean off. They are covered in poop. The doctor says his stomach is also bleeding.

When I left, he had agreed to surgery. By five that evening when his brother got there, he was refusing surgery. Today when I saw him he was refusing surgery. The blockages will kill him. He will most likely die in the group home throwing up poop, alone in his room, in his bed. With only the God he believes in to hold his hand. But for now, he is getting better.

It is a slow long process, this death that comes for him. It is painful. But he is done with this life and craves the next. He is 41 years old. He has the right to choose treatment or no treatment.

He has such a powerful belief in God. Where did this come from? He cannot read. He has never read the Bible. And yet, my faith pales in comparison to his, and I have read the Bible. I could not refuse treatment if I had a blockage, the pain is too great. In fact, I’ve had two blockage, and I’ve had two bowel resections.

And this is the end of Jonathan’s story. As we simply wait for what comes next.

 

[Pepper]

My anti war work entailed helping who you call runners and traitors and I'm proud of it. Had to say that. No need for further discussion; it's all in the past but I wanted My Truth represented. Thank you.

 

[Aneeda72]

My anti war work entailed helping who you call runners and traitors and I'm proud of it. Had to say that. No need for further discussion; it's all in the past but I wanted My Truth represented. Thank you.

And this is why I stay away. Cause I can not psychologically not respond, and I give honest replies, and I don’t back down. And a thing usually starts.

Gee, why didn’t you just start a thread? .

I am happy for you to represent your truth. Because MY TRUTH, the USA VETERANS TRUTH, the TRUTH of those who fought and died, and the TRUTH of those who served, enables you to come on my thread and present your truth.

I do want to respond. You missed my point.

But first I did not label those young men or the choices they made, the “times” labeled them. I just used the words that were used during that time period. There was a draft. They ran to, mostly, Canada. They were, according to the government of the USA traitors. The USA government, later, made them not tradiors. If I were in charge of labels, I would label them cowards. But, hey, that’s just me.

What they labeled themselves, I have no knowledge of; but I’d like to know.

I would like to know how their lives turned out-that is my point. How’d they do? How are they doing now? How at this point in time, at the age they are now, do they feel about what they did then? I am curious. How do they feel about the young men who didn’t run away? About the young men who, not only died, but live forever with the results of their service?

Because I know how the lives of many of the men who volunteered turned out. Because I know how the lives of many of the men who got drafted turned out. Because I know how the lives of many of the Vietnam veterans turned out. Because I knew many young men who got orders for Vietnam, and went to Vietnam, and stayed in Vietnam. The bodies are still being found. Because I know how the lives of many of the young men who survived turned out.

And I can guarantee you one hundred percent that no one wanted to go to Vietnam.

Vietnam was not a war. It was a military action. Just saying. I’d be interested in your other anti military action work. Perhaps you could start a thread on it. What did you do besides, apparently, help draft dodgers (another official title) get to Canada? It’s history, it’s interesting, and I want to know. But this thread is not the place for it.

 

[Aneeda72]

I am not going into a lot of detail about Joey. It’s too painful, too hard. He doesn’t want to die.

3 months ago, another pneumonia. Longer hospital stay, sent home on oxygen. He hates being on oxygen. At his 30 day check up, it is expected the oxygen will come off. It doesn’t. Just another 30 days Joey, you can do it.

Come with me mom, with you there my numbers will be better, my doctor will take me off oxygen. You tell him mom. At this point in time Joey is slowing down. Despite the oxygen, he doesn’t want to walk anymore, doesn’t want to go to dances, drops out of special Olympics.

I meet him at the doctor. He is tested off oxygen. 75%. Not good. His lungs just need to heal. We will test him in a month. 30 days past. 30 days later, back at the doctors, oxygen taken off. 67%. His lungs are failing. He is dying. He has been told he is dying. At this level, even on oxygen, he can die.

Whenever he is sick, he asks me to pray for him. He doesn’t ask this anymore.

He is 38. He is mentally 6 years old. He doesn’t understand. He shakes his head no. He participates less and less in activity. He is gaining weight which adds to the strain on his lungs. He cries when the group home takes him to the fair. He is tired. It hurts to walk. He wants to leave.

It was hard to get a lung specialist to see him. But he finally got an appointment for this month. We will see what the doctor says.

I think about that pacemaker, the pacemaker keeping me alive. I think about it a lot. That pacemaker, one of the stupidest mistakes I ever made. I never used to cry. My whole life I’ve never cried. I cry a lot now. My doctor is right, I am very angry about that pacemaker.

 

[hearlady]

@Aneeda72 I am so glad you sought help from the V.A. and I hope you stay diligent because that is what you have to do.
I admire my husband because he went through all the hoops and paperwork and crap to be sure he got his benefits. They don't hand them out because you were brave. No, they make you work for them.
I hear a lot of vets say, "Its not worth the hassle". And I understand that it's maddening to have to practically beg for them but it is worth it.

 

[OneEyedDiva]

Oh Aneeda, I'm SO sorry for what you are going through! As has been mentioned, you must be one strong lady. Just reading your entries about these nightmarish events is breaking my heart. As a dutiful wife, you don't deserve the treatment you have been getting from your husband. Maybe someday he will realize it and do better. I hope writing about what you are experiencing is cathartic and that you feel you can continue to do so. Wishing the best outcomes for you, your sons and your family. I thought of you often, wondering what happened to you. Now I know!

 

[Aneeda72]

Oh Aneeda, I'm SO sorry for what you are going through! As has been mentioned, you must be one strong lady. Just reading your entries about these nightmarish events is breaking my heart. As a dutiful wife, you don't deserve the treatment you have been getting from your husband. Maybe someday he will realize it and do better. I hope writing about what you are experiencing is cathartic and that you feel you can continue to do so. Wishing the best outcomes for you, your sons and your family. I thought of you often, wondering what happened to you. Now I know!
View attachment 373414

Thanks. I do miss everyone here as well. But, as you know, I also tend to get in “trouble”.

I also came back to post about whats been going on in my life; for my own sanity
-to vent and to let others know why I am missing. I wanted to know what happened to people I was engaged with on this site, and who left and didn’t back.

As for my husband, he is mentally ill and refuses treatment. He will never improve. I stand up to him a lot more than I used to and that has improved the situation a bit. I demand apologies now for some of his ill behaviors; to make him more aware of the things he says that are unacceptable.

Joey has ever been my protector. He's had so much social behavior training in school and in his protected work place, that he recognizes any unacceptable behavior. He did, and still does, get after his dad for any verbal assaults me. And I use that, telling my husband that even his mentally retarded son recognizes that he treats me badly.

But as my husband’s PTSD worsens; he self isolates more and more; and interacts with me and the world, less and less. The natural result of this is a break from his never ending verbal crap; since he talks to me less and less. But it’s sad.

It’s a very complicated situation. I try to get him to interact with life, but it has negative results for me. Again very Complicated.

And that is why, I wonder, who he would have been, had he not gone to Vietnam. Who would all these young men, and women, have become throughout the entire human history of wars and military actions if such things did not happen. Us old people have time to reflect on the fate of the human race.

Which is why, we told our grandsons not to join any of the military services. There are many things that once seen, cannot be unseen.

 

[Aneeda72]

@Aneeda72 I am so glad you sought help from the V.A. and I hope you stay diligent because that is what you have to do.
I admire my husband because he went through all the hoops and paperwork and crap to be sure he got his benefits. They don't hand them out because you were brave. No, they make you work for them.
I hear a lot of vets say, "Its not worth the hassle". And I understand that it's maddening to have to practically beg for them but it is worth it.

The VA is so difficult.

I have 8 presumptive conditions that are on the agent orange list, and other conditions that are on the Camp LeJune presumptive list. Common sense tells you I was exposed. But I was not in any places that the VA accepts that agent orange was. I was not at Camp LeJune. Except.

While the VA and the US government deny agent orange was at Ft McClellan, Alabama, Lord love a duck, Agent Orange was manufactured in Aniston, Alabama; Aniston is about seven miles or so from Ft McClellan. Monsanto settled a law suit from the civilian population in the area, about Agent Orange. They got millions. The military personnel got nothing.

I filed for benefits, saying I was repeatedly exposed to agent orange, cause I was. The VA repeatedly refused the claim.

The PACT act was passed.

The PACT act enables me to file everything again. But I have to start over so I won’t and don’t get any back pay. And the VA would owe me hundreds of thousands of dollars if I could get back pay. 57 years of money. Now I file that I was exposed to certain individual chemicals that were present at Ft McClellan.

You know, the chemicals that were used to produce agent orange. Cause while those chemicals existed at Ft McClellan, agent orange itself was not there.

 

[OneEyedDiva]

Thanks. I do miss everyone here as well. But, as you know, I also tend to get in “trouble”.

I also came back to post about whats been going on in my life; for my own sanity
-to vent and to let others know why I am missing. I wanted to know what happened to people I was engaged with on this site, and who left and didn’t back.

As for my husband, he is mentally ill and refuses treatment. He will never improve. I stand up to him a lot more than I used to and that has improved the situation a bit. I demand apologies now for some of his ill behaviors; to make him more aware of the things he says that are unacceptable.

Joey has ever been my protector. He's had so much social behavior training in school and in his protected work place, that he recognizes any unacceptable behavior. He did, and still does, get after his dad for any verbal assaults me. And I use that, telling my husband that even his mentally retarded son recognizes that he treats me badly.

But as my husband’s PTSD worsens; he self isolates more and more; and interacts with me and the world, less and less. The natural result of this is a break from his never ending verbal crap; since he talks to me less and less. But it’s sad.

It’s a very complicated situation. I try to get him to interact with life, but it has negative results for me. Again very Complicated.

And that is why, I wonder, who he would have been, had he not gone to Vietnam. Who would all these young men, and women, have become throughout the entire human history of wars and military actions if such things did not happen. Us old people have time to reflect on the fate of the human race.

Which is why, we told our grandsons not to join any of the military services. There are many things that once seen, cannot be unseen.

I didn't want any of my grandsons to join either. A couple wouldn't have made it in anyway due to health issues. I dated a young man who went to Vietnam. We discussed marriage at one point but then I realized he wasn't the one. He was always kind of strange, but when he came home back from Vietnam he was never "right" again. I used to see him sitting on the steps of a local bank, or sometimes he'd be on a park bench.

He was clearly out of it and I felt so bad for him. As you probably know, there was and are an inordinately high rate of suicide among vets. Just a terrible, heartbreaking situation. And from what I hear, they were not given the support from our government that they well deserved.

I'm glad you are at least able to have some control over the verbal abuse. Maybe the more your husband withdraws, the better things will be. Do you have something that gives you joy that you are able to do on a regular or semi regular basis? Just a note: I have a good online friend "G" (we call each other Sis), who supported me so strongly when my beloved DIL passed away. She was a good friend and mentor to my DIL too.

"G" lost one of her daughters, then lost the love of her life, but by her demeanor and attitude, one would never know it. She often posts positive memes and one of her favorites is "Universe..I'm so in love with you". She and I have talked on the phone several times and our conversations are always lively and interesting. She is an author, so she has her writing. She also embraces and partakes of the beauty that life has to offer, that includes just being out in nature. I hope you can find solace in something too. Stay strong my friend.

 

[Aneeda72]

Joey saw the lung specialist today. She has ordered several tests. She thinks it’s his heart.

He struggles more to breathe now, even when sitting and on oxygen. She says she will know more after the testing is done. In order to get him up to 92% on oxygen when walking, they had to turn his oxygen up to 4 liters.