Some Etiquette at Funerals

Naturally said:
My dad died in a car wreck in 1979 when he was 49. Mom, then 45, was in the car with him.
Mom was still in the hospital out of state and would be for months, when we had my father's funeral.
I picked out a suit for him and made all the funeral arrangements.

I KNEW my dad WOULD NOT want anyone looking at him and requested a closed casket funeral ... although I did view him before the funeral.

The way the funeral home chapel was set up, there was a little screened side area for family and away from main chapel seating.
They aren't set up that way now but that's how it was in 1979.

Anyway, right before the service, two elderly ladies approached my dad's casket with the funeral director.
I was SHOCKED when the director opened the casket right there in the chapel and right before the service so those elderly ladies could view him.

I have no idea who those ladies were. They were an age where they may have known my dad when he was a boy though ... maybe.
Thing is, I thought that was VERY RUDE to do what they did. I never spoke with the director about it. Other things going on.

My point is that it doesn't matter a hill of beans what anyone says, if your gut tells you something MAY be inappropriate, check with the family.
If they're okay with it, then fine.
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That is just awful and has always troubled you.
If only those ladies had come and respectfully asked your permission, it would have been a different matter.
 

Cremation, as it rises in acceptance, solves the icky issue of taking pictures of the deceased. Although it varies widely from state to state, over half (~60% and climbing) of the deceased are now cremated.
 
Many funerals are live steamed ( videoed) for family members who can’t travel/ or wasn’t able to attend during Covid lockdowns

Personally I think it’s morbid :eek:

Id never watch a funeral video of or take photos.

I don’t even like taking photos of graves .

However I know a lady who had friends video her 40+ year old sons funeral ,and she shows it to any visitors
at her home ( he suffered from a major mental illness due to his drug addition )
He Died of bowel cancer

I knew him he had his eyes on my daughter at one stage ..I quickly put a stop to it …

We attended a neighbour’s funeral about 5 years ago …
just before Covid . it was a huge funeral and it was videoed / streamed online ( it had the links in the news paper how to watch the service online )
 
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debodun said:
Would it be too flippant to wear a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt to a funeral? The decedent was a huge Disney fan.
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Yes, unless the family says, "Please wear something you know XYZ would love."

About 30 years ago I went to a funeral for a local man who died young - in his 40s or 50s, I think. Sudden heart attack. He had seven children, some of whom were not yet teenagers. This kind, gentle many had long coached soccer and baseball, and many dozens of kids he'd coached came to the outdoor service, my children included.

When word spread of his passing, along with funeral details came encouragement from the family for children to attend in their sports uniforms as a tribute to their beloved coach. Hundreds of people attended his celebration of life/ funeral. I'm choking up just writing about it.

RIP, Max. You were gone too soon.
 
Rose65 said:
That is so very wrong and chilling.
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No it wasn't.

Different times and culture then - and photographs then were expensive and infrequent - often the photo of the deceased child would be the only photo the parents had of them.
Like photos taken now of stillborn babies - only chance the parents have for a photo of their child.
 
Kadee said:
Many funerals are live steamed ( videoed) for family members who can’t travel/ or wasn’t able to attend during Covid lockdowns

Personally I think it’s morbid :eek:
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This is extremely common now - by far the majority of funerals do this.

I don't see how it is morbid, it is just a way for people to say goodbye who cannot be there in person.

And if it helps those left behind to replay it, good for them.
 
If I wanted to take a photo, I would only do so with NOK permission.
I would not take photos during a funeral service ( or a wedding or any other service) but I can't see a problem with photos of people at the wake.
As always, only if people are happy to be photographed.

I would wear a Mickey mouse top or similar if family requested it.
otherwise, no.
 
January said:
No it wasn't.

Different times and culture then - and photographs then were expensive and infrequent - often the photo of the deceased child would be the only photo the parents had of them.
Like photos taken now of stillborn babies - only chance the parents have for a photo of their child.
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I don't know about photos of dead babies, but I have seen small cards with inked foot and hand prints of still born babies that were done at a hospital by some body. The Mother sent the cards to family members. I was shocked that such a thing is done in this time period. Morbid. JIM.
 
debodun said:
Would it be too flippant to wear a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt to a funeral? The decedent was a huge Disney fan.
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The minister at my dad's funeral wore shorts and a Micky Mouse t-shirt. It was on the beach at dusk and we had a bonfire and shot off skyrockets.

We were all casual. My dad would have loved it. I'm sure if he was there, he'd be in one of his vintage souvenir t-shirts, too.
 
Talk about young and dumb, back in 1969, Buick brought out the Grand Sport with a 4-speed and a hi performance engine with 345 horsepower. My friend had one and they were hard to get without looking all over the U.S. for one. There was no internet back then, so we had to make numerous landlines to find them.

I finally found one in Illinois, but I had no plans to drive out there and pick it up. A friend of mine had the only one in the area, so I told him if he ever wanted to get rid of it, please contact me and he agreed.

A few months later, he was shot and killed. I went to the funeral and saw the mother and told her I really liked Jimmy and he was a good friend. Then, I spoke to his sister and she was sobbing and I told her I was sorry and then I immediately asked her “What are you going to do with his car?” She looked at me and said they didn’t know yet. I gave her my phone number and told her to call me with a price when they were ready to get rid of it.

On the way home, I got to thinking about what I did and I came to the realization that I was a first class jerk. The next day, I called the sister and apologized, but I never heard from her again. What a stupid thing to do at the kid’s funeral. I deserved to be shunned.
 
In the late 60's, I had a friend/co-worker from Barbados. When her mother passed away, she went back home for the funeral. When she returned, she had photos of her mother laid out in her coffin .. so .. different cultures have different ways of grieving. What seems un-natural to some cultures, is natural to others.
 
jimintoronto said:
I don't know about photos of dead babies, but I have seen small cards with inked foot and hand prints of still born babies that were done at a hospital by some body. The Mother sent the cards to family members. I was shocked that such a thing is done in this time period. Morbid. JIM.
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probably by the hospital staff. They take photos too.

Why would you find that shocking or morbid?
The parents still want a photo and tangible memories of their baby and acknowledgement that the baby existed
 
When my dear friend of 70 years passed away in the hospital, I was there when she expired. I told her son she never wanted any type of funeral service and to just be cremated. The day of the cremation he sent me a photo of her laid out in the coffin. I got a terrible shock, but she did look at peace. He also included a photo of our girlfriends at a wedding. It was a nice photo, and her favourite football team scarf. I never kept the photo he sent me as I wanted to remember her how she looked in better days.
jimintoronto said:
I don't know about photos of dead babies, but I have seen small cards with inked foot and hand prints of still born babies that were done at a hospital by some body. The Mother sent the cards to family members. I was shocked that such a thing is done in this time period. Morbid. JIM.
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A friend's daughter lost a small baby to cot death. She got a person who creates living images of the deceased child complete with hair and has it in a small bassinet in her home.
 
My mother's cousin, an avid photographer, took pictures of both of his parents lying in the coffin and a lot of pics of the funerals too.

I did pics of my parents funerals. I must add, that the coffins of my parents were closed.
 
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We are going to the funeral tomorrow. A dear lady and one half of a marriage just eight months short of 60 years married. We have known the couple for thirty years.

The dilemma is what to wear. The family will be dressed in respectful mourning clothing, but the widower has asked all of us in the social group to wear something that his late wife would have loved.

For mourning I will wear black hat and black trousers, but in keeping with our dear friend's wishes, and she always complimented my blazers, I am wearing the darkest of the collection, the green one. However, if I do stand out there's a much more subdued green blazer hidden away in the car, I am thinking of sensitivities.

Green Blazer black trousers 002.JPG
 

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